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1
1
Review of 2. Crime Scene  Open in new Window.
Review by Myron Mallory Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Monica, I'm back for chapter two!

First of all I really liked how Banks and Gillian worked together! I could see them right in front of me, trying to solve that case.

Sometimes I feel like I'm reading some sort of screen play and not a story of a book and the fact that you're writing it in episodes only contribute to that feeling. Let's take your first sentence for example:
You Tell me what's happening, while at the same time giving some background for the character in order for the actor to know what the relationship between the two is. I feel that for a book, the sentences should be built up differently.
For example: Gillian got in the car. "Give me the short tour." It was strange to be sitting next to Banks again, but familiar at the same time. It had been six years since their last case together.

"That's money" I think is a bit strange. She kinda sounds retarded, which can be easily prevented by adding "a lot" in "That's a lot of money."
Same goes for the "so he was already of age?" question. I mean she knows he was in school with her son, so she should have a rough idea of his age. You never need to ask all the questions, sometimes you need to let your readers think for themselves.

Also the rest of the ID conversation feels a bit too spelled out for me. I cannot really imagine two people having that conversation. I'm talking about sentences like "oh yeah, your little hacker will dig out all his dirty secrets."

Now the next part I liked! You give me some good information. The only thing I would change here is the last sentence: Now they wanted to see if the stories were true.

After this it feels like a screen play once more. Try to tell the story more from Gillian's perspective.
For example: "Banks stood next to Gillian next to the white outline of were the body had been."

Delete "Banks started to think aloud as they used to do." The conversation that follows already implies that. So now it only slows the story down.

Apart from that, I really liked how they think the problem over. Cancelling out possibilities, offering answers, helping each other think. Just focus on Gillian more. She was still looking up. And it's strange that while still looking up she pointed at a door. ;)
And then I wanna see her taking her phone out and dialing Kurt.
But I like how you get the feel of colleagues working together right, with the keep the music down part.

Then the conversation continues, but please focus on Gillian a bit more. and not on they or them or whatever. "She looked at Banks, who met her eyes. They were thinking the same thing."

The rest of the story was pretty much perfect. The conversation had a nice flow, it showed their relationship and history. Perfect.

I think now that I've read this second part that it's not really the Telling and not Showing thing that bothers me a bit, but the fact that it's written more as a screenplay than a a book. I think, if I'm right, that at first you wrote this sort of as episodes with some sort of tv series in mind and then decided to make it into a book, leading to sentences that would better fit in screenplays. I might be wrong, but that's how I feel it.

I liked this second part better. Especially the conversations were pretty good! And I hope this review will help you a bit. I'm curious if my comments on your first part were any help in the end?

And have you had time to look at my improved chapter two? It would be a big help!

I'll be reading chapter three next week probably, so I'll read you around!



Myron
2
2
Review of 1. Morning Coffee  Open in new Window.
Review by Myron Mallory Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Monica! Here I am :)

I'm not really the type of reviewer that follows any kind of reviewing template, so my reviews can be a mess sometimes :p So I'll start where I always do with a review, at the beginning. (Ps: don't be alarmed, I have a reputation for making to many comments, but most of the time at least half of them are useful)

The first time I read your first sentence I had a feeling that something wasn't quite right with it, but I couldn't put my finger on it. But now I think I know what bothers me. It feels like she's doing all of those things at once, while in fact it should feel like a sequence of events.(It's also a bit weird that she lays her son's breakfast on the table, making it would be better)
How you could do it differently: Regan Gillian turned on the TV tasting her morning coffee. She always liked to listen to the news while making her son's breakfast.

I already notice that you use a lot of adverbs and adjectives. For example in the second sentence you are talking about a "Very Plain White dress", so there's already three of those there. You can easily remove "very" here, which already makes it easier to read.

I find your first paragraph a bit strange. I'm not quite sure if your an omniscient narrator or not. I get it, you're trying to portray your character right from the beginning, but to me it feels out of place. But in the next paragraph it becomes clear that you are not an omniscient narrator, because Regan hears Connor's footsteps down the stairs. I would prefer it you would show me how she looked and what she was like over a period of time, instead of trying to capture her in your first three sentences.

Your second paragraph also has some sort of flow problem. In the first sentence for example you say the same thing twice. Well, not really, but in essence they are the same:
"Connor's steps rattled down the stairs" and "he soon showed up."
How you could do it differently: Connor's steps rattled down the stairs. I turned my head the moment he entered the room. He looked like every morning: barely awake."

For the second part of the paragraph I would turn the two parts of the sentence around and leave "she thought" out of it.

In the third paragraph you repeat yourself again. Stuff like this slows your story down unnecessarily.
"scowled at the images" and " 'so early?" he grumbled.
One of the two is more than enough.

In the fourth paragraph you are explaining a bit too much. She only now payed attention, but apparently instantly knew the whole story.

Now, when Connor starts speaking, that I like! It's really nice. You are portraying Connor much better, with his morning routine, his way of speaking,...

But after this you get to your Telling thing again, instead of Showing me. (Show don't Tell), maybe you're getting sick, as was I at first, of the whole Show don't Tell thing, but in the end it is a really good guideline, but of course also one that is meant to be broken at the right times. It would be better if she would reply, which would show he surprise at her son's violonce, because if she is already surprised by a couple of hard words she would definitely be surprised by this.

After this you start Showing me stuff again, and I'm a happy reader once more! The conversation is fluent and shows the relationship the two have.


So that was the end of the first part apparently. Right now there's not really something grabbing my interest. Sometimes you need to open with something stronger than just interesting characters to grab your readers attention. So up to the second part. But I don't really know why you use double spacing here, because the story picks up where it left off.

Now you start again with some interesting Telling, with some adjectives and adverbs thrown in. If you Show something, you make it more personal, leading to your readers starting to love or hate the characters you write about.
How you could do it differently: Gillian drove through town following her daily route to the bakery and Orlando's. A bright summer morning such as this one always brought a smile to her face.

The whole young waitress and her running away from her boss paragraph is a bit strange. Wouldn't her boss want her to get out there as quickly as she can so she could get to work? So she didn't need to run from him.

But after this you're story become real good once more. The conversation with the guards is just plain awesome!

And after this conversation you Tell something, but this time it doesn't bother me the slightest since it's useful and just works here.
But you can leave at "the guard checked something on his computer"

Now this second part I really, really liked! The conversations are snappy, you show me stuff when it's right, you tell me stuff when it's right. Pretty good writing. Now make sure your first part is equally awesome.


Now for the third part. Again leave the double spacing out!
Leave out the whole mental picture thing. You have time to describe her office later. And it does not really add to the story here.

The conversation is nice, but the description of Banks can be improved I feel. Bit too much Telling and not enough Showing.


Some general remarks:
As I already said above, the second part of your story is really good! But the first and third parts are for me just okay. I know you can write these parts better and I hope my comments will help you get there!
Just focus on the flow of your story and sentences a bit more and if things would be better told in Tell or Show and you'll be writing great stuff!

I really enjoyed your story and I'll be sure to check out the other chapters, as by the end of the story you did eventually grab my attention, with the murder in combination with the serial killer expert arriving!

I hope you'll find my comments half useful! ;) and I'll read you around!


Myron
3
3
Review by Myron Mallory Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi! This review is part of the Halloween Review Raid!

Nice to be reading one of your stories! I really liked your story! and its ending!

A small remark: 'Naochi stumbled over a root in the gloom, and cursed as he banged his knee.' This is action, and in action it's always better to show things in chronological order: Naochi stumbled, he banged his knee, he cursed.

I like the sarcastic tone of the the thoughts of Naochi! However some of the thoughts aren't really thoughts and would work better as an interior monologue. An example: 'Hey! This might just take care of what I need, he thought. Hopefully I can sell these.' --> It was just what he needed. He could probably sell these in the next village.

In the first part I would change a couple of 'he' in 'Naochi' to get a better balance. You do this perfectly in the rest of your story!

I'm not a big fan of words like 'suddenly'. They're not really needed and sound kind of cheap. Try to steer away from them!

Also from here: 'It was there the old farmer found him a few hours later.' until Naochi wakes up again, you look like an omniscient narrator, cause of the switch in perspective. Either make it a seperate paragraph or delete it entirely, because now it's a bit confusing.

And maybe you can Show a bit more and Tell a bit less (Show don't Tell). I'm starting to feel like I'm saying this in every review I've given, so maybe it's me, but I find that almost every beginning writer Tells too much and Shows not enough.
Some examples: 'His fear had reached a breaking point', ' It was very silent in this place, and he found himself straining for some sort of sound, any sound.' 'When the song ended, he found himself on his knees, sobbing as if his own essence was shattered.' and some more.
How you can Tell these: 'His heart was pounding in his throat. He was not thinking clear. The only thing he felt was fear.', 'He strained to hear a sound. The silence in this place was deafening. It made him shiver.'The song ended. His eyes, still teary, opened. He was on his knees. His own essence had been shattered.' Or something like that!

I really liked the story, but I think there's still room for improvement. So hopefully some of my comments are half useful! ;)

Good luck!


P.S.: Also a little piece of advice: You told me you think you're not quite ready to review someone elses stories, but reviewing is just like writing, you only learn how to do it, by actually doing it. And you actually learn a lot from reviewing others!
4
4
Review by Myron Mallory Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi! Fellow newbie here.

I must say that you know your orbital mechanics (I'm doing a Space Exploration master at university) and you obviously have done a lot of research. However, that is also the reason why your story starts very slowly. I don't know if you're familiar with Show don't Tell? Cause the first part of your story is one big Tell, and that is the reason why it doesn't really grab my interest. Most of the terms you throw at your readers are far to advanced to be in your story. A great example is this: 'The double system of the Earth/Moon has a centre of gravity 1062 miles below the surface of the Earth.' Why do I need to know this?
To me your first part just feels like an encyclopedia/wikipedia page about the world you envision. You must make sure that your stories are comprehensible for the majority of your readers, you don't want to write a physics book, right?
This also is a problem in the conversation that follows. You're talking with the president, so make sure the words you say match the person you're speaking to. For example: ' It entered a perfect Polar orbit over the Indian Ocean heading south towards the Antarctic, altitude 120 miles.' Now you just make the president feel stupid, cause he probably only understood half of what that sentence meant.
The rest of the conversations also feel a bit stern. I don't yet feel a connection with your character.

However, I think you have a great idea here! And there's nothing that a couple of rewrites can't fix!

Good luck!

Myron Mallory Author Icon


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