I loved this. I saw it highlighted in the Blogging Bliss Newsletter. It is aa beautiful analogy of our life on earth and the mystery of what is to come - with our Father being all around us. What a beautiful way to express it. I hope you don't mind but I would love to share this with my church. I think they would love it too.
I know it's your blog - and so it's what's comfortable for you, but the only reason I didn't give it a 5 is that it would be more easily read if it was spaced between paragraphs due to there being so much dialogue.
I would do a little work on this poem. Since it rhymes I would break at the rhyming words, (stay in line 1, say in line 2, hate in line 3).
Line 4 could break at the word, "not," line 5 after the word, "scar."
Line 6 is troublesome with no rhyme. I would find a way to make it rhyme mid way through finding a word that rhymes with "past."
Thanks for allowing me to read, review, and rate your piece.
Nita
Hmmm, Your last verse tells a different story of love... love that cripples rather than making you feel free and good about your life. I have never thought of love quite that way - but, yeah... I have seen what you mean.
At first I thought you were going to be flowery about love... showing how much you were loved and did love. I have to say, this is much more painful - but also much more interesting.
Nita
WOW! That is really powerful! Hurt so deep that a professional would have to come in and scoop out the pain... and yet, the rest of your poem says it right... we can't scoop it away. We have to live it - and in time, we learn. I think many of us have been there at some point - feeling pain that you wish you could surgically remove. You have stated this well.
I like this poem. A few years ago you asked me to review your work. I reviewed one at that time, I think. I never saw this one. So now, I have to ask... Why? (Because you said I could.)
It seems that you are very driven in your program. I have to admire your dedication and your ability to stay with it long enough to develop such muscles and tone.
I used to marathon walk - and sometimes had astronomical blisters. People could not understand why I did that either. To me, it was an escape from my world. My husband and I were not getting along - and I could walk and think - and feel good about what I was doing.
I think I'll go back and read some more of your work.
Nita
I love this.
My favorite part is,
"Holes and gaps forming has already begun,
Through those spaces has her sweet encouragement run.
Urging me to try, to push, to fight,
Call on my heart's strength and give it all my might!"
All of us have areas of our lives where we sometimes need someone to encourage us - to cheer us on in the dark times.
I hope your love is still cheering you on after all this time.
Nita
Hello landpilot
My name is Nita, Journey Back to Writing!. I found this piece on WDC as a result of reading the kind note that you sent to me regarding my son. Welcome to WDC.
Nita
Reading the Poem:
I have read this piece over a number of times. Even though you are calling it a poem (so I'm using the poetry template), I believe it would qualify more as prose.
Story:
The writer is expressing how he believes that Jesus looks at us - and the feelings and emotions that He has towards us.
Emotional Appeal:
As I read this piece, I have an urge to pray and to be closer to the Lord.
You have written based upon the Holy Scriptures and because of that, the Spirit of God draws us to Him through your words.
Fresh language:
Even though the piece is based upon the scriptures, the wording is very contemporary. I love it when you say, "Hey, I promise you I will make daily arrangements for you to eat and have shelter and clothing, just like I care for my animals." I could see Jesus walking along and talking to someone today in just those words.
Imagery:
I had no problem imagining the Lord Jesus kindly and lovingly expressing Himself to me or to anyone else in these words. When the writer talks about the Last Supper, I can see Jesus telling me (or you), "I have been in a human body just like yours, and I do feel your aches and pains and know weariness. And let me tell you just how loneliness and despair feels, as I have been there 2008 years ago. I had 12 of my best buddies and closest friends desert me in my greatest time of need. And because of that experience I promise you regardless of how bad things look, I will never desert you, or abandon you.The bottom line is I love you and would be willing to die for you again." It is not at all difficult to see both the scriptural time that Jesus walked the earth and spoke these words and see Him today walking and talkng with us.
Sound:
I thought this piece sounded just right. Nothing seemed forced. It appears to be a very natural conversatin with Jesus taking the lead and expressing who He is (as both man and God).
Structure:
As I said before, I think this is structured more like prose than poetry. I liked the double line spacing. It made it an easy read.
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:
I loved this. I felt that the writer has a close relationship with Jesus to be able to write this with such feeling. I think it's a powerful piece that is faith building.
Thank you for allowing me to read, rate, and review this piece. It was a pleasure and an honor.
Nice poem - the ending took me by surprise. I thought it was a poem about a lost love affair. Even when you introduced the child, I didn't really see it as it was. The death of a child is always a fresh to the mother.
There were a few places that could use work. What does "peached" mean? Were you stretching to make it rhyme or is it a term that I'm not aware.
"I am alone, quiet and draw nothing in my trap
As I see him in thoughts and dreams, I hear a clap"
seems to be contrived to get your rhyming pattern.
Also, in the 4th verse, "I feel his presence (misspelled), but not in sight" - I would reword that perhaps to, "but not his sight"
You have chosen not to use only a little punctuation but I think the poem would read more smoothly with punctuation at the end of lines.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. This piece has a great deal of emotional depth. Keep writing.
Nita
Not that this called for review - for how can you review prayer and praise? You have pourned out your heart to the Lord. It is evident that there is relationship there between you and Him for how else can you speak His language of love for Him?
This is not a real review. It touched me. That is enough.
What a great story! I thoroughly enjoyed it.
There were places that seemed too redundant (his talks with himself when he hears the noise) but all in all the story was very good. You used dialogue well and characters were believable.
My favorite paragraphs were when he was assessing the cost of his time at the apartment and when the shippers brought in all the things he had left at home. Every parent at one time thinks of shipping a gazillion GI Joes, cars, and small toys that you can step on in the night to their child's new home. Most of us just don't do it.
Ok, here is a critique... edit of this piece. The first time, I was too interested in the storyline. This time I read it for punctuation. There were some places, just as you said, that need attention.
I really enjoyed reading this.
Keep writing!!
Here is the edit:
PART 1
Paragraph 1: remove comma after Caligula. Sentence 2 is an incomplete sentence.
Paragraph 7: …The German guard craning his neck for a view, (place comma here)
Paragraph 8: … He was drowned out by thousands of voices, rising in unison, (Remove the comma after voices.)
Paragraph 18: Then rose slowly, eyes fixed on Caligula’s smooth face. (Then HE rose slowly…)
Paragraph 20: And I though you always visited because you enjoy having your Emperor upon your lips.” (though – you meant thought?)
PART 2:
Paragraph 1: Sweat beaded on his forehead, despite the damp February air (Remove comma after forehead).
PART 3:
Paragraph 3: Now! (should be an exclamation point).
Paragraph 6: Remember to capitalize “little boot” in this section.
Paragraph 21: The wounded man drop to his knees… (should be “dropped”)
Paragraph 25: end the sentence with a period or exclamation mark!
Paragraph 30: comma after fallen
Paragraph 31: quotes after period.
You've done it again! You wrote an interesting piece that is unusual and unique!! I enjoyed it immensely!!
Nita
This is really good!! It is fairly easy to read - appears to be historically correct - and the grammar and punctuation is good!
I did notice a couple of run-on sentences but they appear to be the way people speak so it wasn't worth correcting.
I really enjoyed reading this!!
Beginning:
Strong beginning! Right away the reader is thrown into the pit with the protagonist.
Characters:
Strong "Indiana Jones" type of character who has a sense of humor about the predicament in which he finds himself.
Structure:
The beginning of the story catches the interest of the reader. The middle has the protagonist trying not to end up like the skeleton that shares the area with him. The ending is good but doesn't go into enough detail about what is beyond the bricks. I realize that you were in a throw-down so you were limited probably in length.
Dialogue:
Dialogue is appropriate for the setting and the story.
Settings/Descriptions:
"He grabbed the satchel and tore it from the rat gnawed strap," is a great description! I never was certain if he ws in a well or a pit.
Manuscript Presentation:
There were a couple of places that need correction. In the 1st sentence, "...landed on his backon the floor..." Separate "back" and "on." I don't think you need the word, "above" in the following sentence: "henchmen above pushed the heavy stone across the opening." "“Lovely, “he whispered..." Put the quote after lovely,. The formatting looks good.
OTHER COMMENTS:
As usual, I enjoyed your story. You show a great deal of talent with each piece that I read. Keep writing such good fiction!
I hope you found something worthwhile in this review. Please remember that your work is your own; only edit what you can change and still feel ownership.
Joy in the Journey!
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Hello,
I'm Journey Back to Writing!. I was looking for a Rising Star member to review and found you. I read your Christmas program and loved it but it wasn't in WDC for a review - so I found this piece.
Short Story Critique
Beginning:
I was intrigued by the title of this piece. Striking through he word "autobiography" because it couldn't be spelled right was adorable and hooked me. The first paragraph sounded just like my great niece was writing it. Adorable!
Characters:
Anne Marie is a little girl who is writing this assignment for her teacher. She is loveable in her simplicity!
Structure:
This story is structured like a child wrote it - which is the intent of the author. I think the author got into a child's mind on this one!
Dialogue:
There isn't dialogue per se but it sounds very much like a little girl telling the story.
Manuscript Presentation:
Strike throughs on words that a child would have trouble spelling is ingenuous. It makes the work much more believable. Words that are not struck through are almost all spelled correctly. "Bodys" is more than likely spelled exactly as you meant to (rather than bodies). Short choppy sentences are very childlike. The writing is simple and unadorned by words that an adult would use. When larger words are used, they are struck through, sometimes after a few attempts to spell them.
OTHER COMMENTS:
I loved this. It is just the right length since children do not draw out their writing. I love the way the writer jumps from the hosptial to adults telling her how much she has grown and riding a bicycle. In the end, she really doesn't tell much about herself, which is precisely the way a child writes. I work in an elementary school. The kids often write me notes and many of them look like this. You have done a great job!
Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading this piece!
Keep Writing!
Joy in the Journey!
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Hello Mrs. Populatery,
I am reading your story again and rating and reviewing because you asked me to after I had stated that it was too difficult to read. Here are my new findings:
Short Story Critique
Beginning:
I really like the way your story begins. It sounds very realistic for a middle school student. Most kids think the last day of school is long and boring - and that it is excruciating to sit there all day. You tell that well!
Characters:
Your characters are strong, especially Seronny, your protagonist. I like Kyle and your dialogue with him is really good. I like your description of the "Black Widow" when you are talking to him and described her for the readers.
Structure:
Your story structure is good. I like your beginning and ending of your chapters. I love the end of Chapter 1 where you profess to never have to wear a padded bra again because you are a young lady leaving middle school... humorous!
Dialogue:
I love your use of dialogue! Now that you have used proper punctuation, it's easy to follow your story. You have lots of good dialogue that enhances the telling of your story.
Settings/Descriptions:
I don't have a strong sense of setting. You describe the teacher but not the room, other than you are looking out the window. You say that it is the year 3,000 but it sounds very 2,000ish.
Manuscript Presentation:
There are words that are misspelled that spell check will not catch, such as, sense instead of sense, “Bright in early!” instead of "Bright and early!" You use "their" instead of "they're," "abroad" instead of "aboard." You need to read your manuscript over for yourself and make those changes.
OTHER COMMENTS:
There are areas where your verbs don't agree. The opening sentence of the 2nd chapter is such a place. Black Widow strolls... Kyle walked (present and past tense).
I really like your story. You did a great job with your dialogue. You have created an interesting story that makes the reader want to read more. I'm really glad that you didn't get angry when I said that I would read it after you cleaned it up. It's a good story and worth the read. I see a lot of potential in your writing!!
Great Job!
Keep Writing!
Joy in the Journey!
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Hello aralls,
What a great poem! It really touched my heart - and very appropriate, not only for the Easter season, but every day of our lives.
Poetry Critique
Reading the Poem:
Mary Magdalene visits the grave of Jesus and is distraut with sadness that his body has been removed from the tomb.
I believe the purpose of this poem is to tell the story of Jesus resurrection and the hope it brings - not only to Mary but to everyone who reads it. That purpose is achieved when the last line explains his resurrction to the rest of the world. The mood of the poem goes from despair to joy.
Story:
It was easy to see the story unfold. Your imagery was very good.
Emotional Appeal:
It touched my heart. I'm sure that it will touch others who read it, believers and unbelievers.
Tight Writing:
I thought you did a good job with the writing - not flowery - not too wordy.
Fresh language:
I really like the line, “Mary,” one word, resolves hopelessness
Imagery:
It was easy to see the despair that Mary Magdalene experienced. Her hand caressing the rock that once "protected" his body in the grave is very easy to see in the mind's eye.
Sound:
I read this poem aloud a couple of times. It flowed well. It reads more like a story than a poem.
Structure:
Lines are made up of a 9 syllable pattern. Since this does have capitalization and punctuation, it really can't be called free style. For that reason, I would include more punctuation to speed up and slow down the flow. "Arms outstretched relief and love emit" is one of those places. A comma would work after "relief" I think... at least the way I read it, it would.
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:
Overall, I think you have done a great job with a very spiritual piece. It made me want to get out my Bible and read the Easter Story again. I think that might be a part of your purpose in writing it... to share the story of Jesus.
I appreciated the opportunity to read this piece. Thank you for sharing your work.
Joy in the Journey!
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Hello ANN Counselor, Lesbian & Happy,
I found this essay as a result of you reviewing my work. I particularly chose it since you highlighted it in your brief bio. I have used a short-story critique even though this is an essay simply because it's what I had in my file. I hope you enjoy WDC as much as I do.
Short Story Critique
Beginning:
I have to say that my curiosity was certainly peaked by your title having seen Meredith Baxter on the Today show a couple of weeks ago and hearing that she had come out in her late 50's.
Characters:
I think you have created a strong story that is very believable. You have bared your soul in it. My heart was touched by the thought of all the years that you had lived as a straight person knowing in your heart that you were a lesbian. There had to be many hurtful times. Your introduction of your partner at the end of the story was a good conclusion.
Structure:
You have structed your story with a very clear beginning, middle, and end. You have told the story of a young girl growing up and her feelings at that time, as well as the mature woman who is confronted often by people who cause her hurt and pain by their words.
Dialogue:
There is no dialogue needed since it is an essay rather than a short story.
Settings/Descriptions:
You have talked about your early years after World War II as well as teen years and your visits to Portland. Other than that, I didn't get a strong sense of location - I assumed mid-west.
Manuscript Presentation:
Your essay is formatted well. I didn't find misspellings or grammatical errors although there were a few places that were a little awkward in wording.
OTHER COMMENTS:
I read your essay from the point of view of a Christian. Ann, the Word of God tells us that, "man looks on the outward, but God looks on the heart." That is my belief. I have no desire to judge others for life choices and have no desire to be judged. God alone is our judge. Besides that, I have a friend who told me that the 30 minutes of silence spoken of in Revelations is for, "OH MY!! I didn't think THEY would be here." God is good.
Thank you for posting your story for the readers of WDC. There are many gay young people on WDC, some who are out and some who are not. Your story may be an ecouragement to them.
Keep writing!
Nita
Joy in the Journey
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I read this with tears in my eyes. My son is now safely home having finished his military service. He was on my mind as I read this piece.
Your opening sentence is very good. It sounds exactly like a mother who wants to share life at home with her son who is away. And yes, mothers do read and re-read every word.
I liked the reasssurance and advice the writer gave to her son. I, too, had that talk with my son. War is hard on our warriers for at heart, they are still the sons and daughters, husbands, wives, fathers and mothers. Seldom does a soldier ever tell of the things that they saw or had to do - it is bottled up inside. Hopefully they can go on and live their lives productively, but too many can't.
I enjoyed the conversation about "Old Man Wilkerson." It's funny the things that the soldier thinks of and shares with his mom while he's away, about neighbors, family, and freinds. It was realistic. I liked Mr. Wilkerson's take on children playing war. Realistic.
As usual, your ending doesn't disappoint. This letter is touching on so many levels.
Thank you for sharing it!
Nita
I really liked this. The joy that a child feels when he knows he is loved is evident - and the despair that a child feels when he has fears about his life is also there. At first, I didn't know where you were going with this but you caught my attention and kept it to the end.
Hi Stick!
Thanks for asking me to read your script!
I'm afraid I'm not a good editor/ reviewer for script writing, but here are my observations:
This has a good start but gets better as it goes. It needs lots of work on typos but was still very enjoyable.
I liked the ending - which seems very old world. Who knows... you may have a future there! You should get
a group together to act it out . That would be fun!!
Thanks again Stick!
Nita
What an honest poem! I like the symbolism of the sea water as a cleanser. In my imagination I can stand on the shore and watch your pain disappear along with you - or watch mine.
I like the finality of this piece, the victory of having gained control over an addiction - albeit a person whom you loved.
Great job Jodi!
Keep on writing!
Nita
Upon reading this a couple of times, I am struck by the uneven number of lines in each verse. I have a little trouble with them. I tend to like for verses to be more symetrical.
"Lowing to self, I ask slow..."
Exactly what does 'Low' mean here? I am familiar with it as a noise that cattle make but not a human noise.
"All paths go….. To same place.” I would insert the word, "the" between same and place.
There is a good rhythm in your poem. It might work well as one long verse rather than cut into the uneven verses that you have now.
Keep writing!
Nita
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Reading the Poem:
Story:
Emotional Appeal:
Fresh language:
Sound:
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: 
Joy in the Journey 
Structure: