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Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with FantasyHorrorSciFi Novel Works...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Nadja B Author IconMail Icon’s review of
Review of "WIP: Chapter 1 - Orion's Last Stand" Open in new Window.
by ChrisRand Author IconMail Icon
for the "Fantasy Keep" Open in new Window.


Characters: A handful of military types, most of which are dead at the end of the chapter (which is a very long one for a first chapter). Beginning the story from the POV of a bunch of characters that kack before the real story begins makes me a little frustrated as a reader—I feel like I’ve put a lot of work/effort into getting to know and trying to guess at motives of people that are then wiped out. Seems to be a conglomeration of races, and though the stereotypes of the Catholic, salsa-betting Hernandez and Lenvov the Russian, etc, etc, are a good thing (that is, the mix is a good thing, not the sometimes borderline stereotype), I’m not really reading it in their characters—they’re all speaking English (I’m assuming), but have accents? If they have accents, I would expect they have all the language quirks/regional dialect to differentiate them—maybe try playing with their use of language to differentiate them from each other and add to the depth of their characterization.

Plot: We’re in space. Weird stuff happens. Strange ships appear, threaten annihilation. Lenvov & Co present the third option (i.e. blowing themselves up).

Setting: Space. The good ship Orion. Not sure how this relates to the Thermopylae of the intro? If I had to guess, following the destruction of the Orion, the Thermopylae is built as something of a vengeance vehicle? Shrug. We’ll see *Wink* The setting was really spare. I found myself filling in the blanks with BSG references.

Grammar/Mechanics: watch commas. I’m no expert, but you’re missing a lot where you’re addressing people in dialogue. Look out for your possessives as well—there are apostrophes in It’s as possessives—for this case, only ever use an apostrophe if you’re contracting it & is. Write out your numbers. The chapter is really long, but as it stands, I wouldn’t cut it up into more than one chapter, just trim out some of the narrative bits, some of the waiting & explaining. Not going to pretend I know what saleable chapters are, or that there’s some unwritten rule about how long they should be, just that from my own impression, this one was a bit lengthy.0

General impressions: I really, really wanted to love this, but I find it coming up just *this* short in most cases. The characters didn’t pop as individuals, and the setting, while unobtrusive, kind of left me floating in the middle of space as to envisioning the scene. For both characters and set, I back-filled from Battlestar Galactica references. Even the plot—presenting the third option—is strongly reminiscent of a lot of BSG episodes. The pacing slows down in what should be some of the more exciting passages—watch the balance of the more explanatory narrative and the frantic dialogue. I mentioned the frustration of investing so much time in characters that die at the end of the chapter, but I feel it bears mentioning again—I’ll have to read more before I make my decision, but at this point, I’m not sold that you’ve found exactly the right place (or maybe POV) to start from. But like I said, I’ll read more before I make that call *Wink* I feel like you’ve got a really good story in here (at least, the story of the Orion, not so sure about where it’s going hereafter!), but that it needs some trimming down to make it shine.

Line-by-line detail is posted in the Fantasy Keep review forum.

Write some more of this!
~nadja

Co-Creator of the free on-line graphic novel Impure Blood.


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Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
An intriguing beginning, to be sure. You use the time period and physical setting to your full advantage to bring in automatic tension between the characters and the world around them.

There are a few technical issues, with spelling and punctuation, and with putting in numerals instead of writing out the numbers, but not too many.

The upcoming story will have Seamus at odds with his surroundings, as he does not want to move to America. Something that might help punch up the ending is a description of the soldier--I know Seamus would automatically recognize him of the Engligh variety, but 'showing' this soldier to the reader would draw us in that much more. Just a suggestion.

Keep writing!

nadja
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Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a perfect companion to your article on the archetypal villian. Your argument is clearly supported and you relay it with such a sense of humor and personality that I can't help but wonder if you're a fanatic villain with an evil scheme of your own *Wink*

(And completely aside, I must agree with you on your feelings of X-III...what a let-down after all the hype)

If you put this article with your previous one, it seems that some villains could be considered both, depending on your perspective. Take Hitler. (now, I'm not some Hitler-loving psychotic Nazi or anything...goodness, I can see the emails now...*Wink* ) He was charismatic, held to his convictions, etc, etc. But, if you were of the wrong 'group', who would in your words 'get bloody' I'm sure he'd seem less charismatic and more purely evil.

Any more good villain segments coming? Both of the articles you've written have called up such scary-but-fascinating characters that I find myself enthralled by the "dark side".

Good work!

nadja

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Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is by far the most entertaining and easily relatable piece that I've read regarding the arche- vs. stereo-types. You make a lot of good points in this article.

I've come to realize that many of my own "bad guys" always get a back story--I seem to have had an obsession with the symphathetic bad guy of late. And then to think I wasn't quite getting that huge, ultimately satisfying overthrow in the endings! Your article reminded me that if I want that type of scene, I have to have that "old school" villian.

(And I especially loved the comment about how the villain's existence is almost meaningless without the hero)

I'm off to villianize some characters...mwahahahahaha
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Review of She Walks  Open in new Window.
Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Contest Review 2/5
Author: Nikola~Living the Dog Mom Life Author IconMail Icon
Title: She Walks

First of all, I feel that I should apologize, because it’s been a while since my last poetry critique class, and I’m a bit rusty…this piece didn’t have a recognizable meter or rhyme, so there go my first two ideas on how to review it! *Wink* My favorite line was “She is not of ours” after “the style of her time”. The transition there was wonderful and it solidifies that she is, in fact, a ghost, as we have come to assume from “guests whisper of glimpsing her”. The lines are all short and consice, and on the whole flow well from one to the next without significant hang-ups or jarring stops. I was left with one question, and that is about her death…did she kill herself because she wanted to wander the house forever, or was she murdered and thereby forced to wander forever? It’s not a huge point, as the main idea is that she is, not why she is. Good job with this one!

~nadja
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Review of Chapter 3  Open in new Window.
Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Is this wagon rather large? You may want to clarify how Ari is able to hide the fact that he found something under the hay, not to mention the fact that he's probably been into it and eating.

Interesting...one moment it's food, then it's horse manure...the plot thickens *Smile*

I'm not crazy about using parentheses in narrative. They always pull me, as a reader, out of the words/scenario you've created, and interrupt the rhythm and relatively smooth flow you've got going.

I like how you've set up a spirit of conflict/contest between the two boys. I'm thinking that this will continue throughout their training, making Alak come to resent Ali. You've quickly set him up as the more questioning (and dare I say it) and more intelligent one.

Let me know if you continue posting chapters, I'd be interested to see where you go with this.

Nadja
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Review of Chapter 2  Open in new Window.
Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ari soon became hungry and searched through the hay for any food the Prayer makers might Prayermakers one word! *Wink*

Hmm...I sense a bit of a competition coming on. The narrative voice is not quite as strong in this as it was in the first chapter, meaning only that it's not as childlike. It could just be that there is just a lot more information/speculation in here than in the first.

Despite the short length of your chapters, you're able to pack a good amount of info into them indirectly--such as the fact that Prayermakers have access to magic, teach their students through indirect learn-by-your mistakes methods, and that they are very individual--i.e., Ari's master will teach him, Alak's will teach the other boy, with little or no mingling of the core training. As I see it anyway, feel free to correct me if I am wrong!

If there is one thing I'd warn against in this part, it's ending with an exclamation point--especially if your entries are short (and that's not a bad thing at all), you should use exclamation points very sparingly. A piece of advice I once received that I think is valid: Every story has only one moment worthly of an exclamation point. Choose it wisely. Now, I'm not saying I agree whole-heartedly. For instance, I don't believe that it's entirely applicable where dialogue is involved, but as to within narrative, I think it's solid advice.

Anyway, that's my little opinion, for whatever it's worth. You're doing well keeping up the mystery of the Prayermakers and still revealing just enough to keep the reader's interest piqued.

Nicely done.

Nadja
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Review of Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
The narrative voice is wonderfully childlike, which is appropriate for such a young character.

"all of the boys turning eight the next day"--are children all born on the same day, or is age a more ceremonial thing than an actual count?

You've captured an 8-year-old's voice exceptionally well in his reactions to what is going on around him, and how he is excited despite his confusion.

On the whole an intriguing beginning chapter. It reminds me of RF's Magician.

The only gripe I sort of have (meaning, I think you could probably hold off on it until a later point) is that we don't know anything about what Ari looks like, except that he seems to be a fairly typical child.

Nadja
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Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
What a switch from the intense scenes from the first two parts! It's a great contrast, as well as a nice break from the constant nail-biting action.

I enjoyed the POV, and you transitioned pretty well from a male to female perspective. It probably helps that she's a tomboy, but I haven't questioned either character's sex at all.

I was pretty surprised that this was so "short"! I was preparing myself for another marathon review--I'm almost disappointed that this is it...okay, I'm actually really disappointed that this is (for now) the last part. I want more!

There were a few questions I had:

in EP1 (yeah, my computer at work hates Edit Points), one of the soldiers (Llewin, right?) has a near-white bandage--where did he get this? I thought one of his men bandaged the wound, in which case it would have been impossible for it to be anywhere near white, since they're head-to-toe black mud. It'd be easily explained if you let us know in the 2nd part that this is a bandage supplied by the Redwing's guards.

EP6--the parantheses take me out of the narrative. Your work usually flows very smoothly--sometimes a bit to quickly because of all the commas *Wink*--so this is a bit of a jolt.

I like that Ildrayne (for some reason I kept wanting to type Ilyena--I wrote it three times and had to keep deleting! I'm a dork!) seems to know what has happened, but that her mind won't let her believe it, wanting her to hold on to childish fantasies--in fact, I think all of EP 8 is superbly written.

EP 9--the very first sentence. This seems an awfully naïve thought. I'm struggling with it, because although she's only 12, she doesn't seem to be that naïve. I guess I read her as subconsciously understanding the situation, but needing to hear the words spoken out loud in order for the news to be real.

EP11--Little technical issue toward the end--is it that a child could not be invited, or just generally would not? It's fine the way it is, just wanted to make sure in case it was a typo.

You've written the Lady of the House as a very strong character, which I love (and I'm hoping Ildrayne sticks around for a bit longer to become one!) Historical fiction often times writes women out because of the "traditional" view of the sex. Bad writers! Naughty! In EP21, you've done very well in capturing her reaction/orders. You could make a weightier emotion impact if you emphasize the first time she corrects herself and says "my" instead of "my husband's" guards even more so. I was wondering though about your choice to have her say the line about "Rest now, my love." with the soldiers still in the room. Granted, she says it under her breath, but I would have thought she would put on a stoic face until they left, then spoken the words, however softly when she was alone.

The last paragraph is incredibly sad. Something good is going to have to happen soon...I'm so sad for all the dead characters *Frown* It's a good thing. The memorable one is the giant, when he jumps on top of the Redwing's body to hide it and tells the rest to go--this painted a very vivid picture in my mind, and now this scene with mother & daughter sobbing on the pantry floor. You break my heart!

All in all...I WISH THERE WAS MORE! *Smile*

Nadja
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Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Robert had not made it out of that deadly circle.~3~
I like that you've sacrificed one of the characters instead of trying to keep up such incredible luck for the Ten

After EP 5 (my computer's just not cooperating with me at all), I started thinking that maybe you'd want to draw this whole chase out into a full scene instead of a flashback. I don't know how long you're planning on making this novel, or what all you're trying to fit in, so it's hard for me to judge, but some of the images (Jacob stading against the dozen Saxons, Eric running off in a blind rage, etc) would make such powerful scenes.

They had not seen their pursuers at all that day, not, in fact, since Jacob’s stand at the stream. None of the remaining mercenaries were foolish enough to think they were safe, wondering instead what the fair-haired barbarians would try now, wondering when they would spring whatever trap they had spent the day laying. You use a Lot of commas in your writing. It's not necessarily a bad thing, as it does keep the pace really elevated as you rush from memory to memory, but it also makes me rush over parts of it. If you broke up the structure, you'd lose a little of the pacing, but if you keep it as a flashback occurence instead of a scene, you wouldn't lose anything. If you turn it into scenes, then the high volume of commas would work well to heighten tension, and you could break it every so often when they temporarily lose their trackers.

him like rotten straw every what an appropriate simile!

here's a questions that popped into my head around EP20--has rigor mortis set in in the Redwing? That would make transporting him a bit awkward...

I'm still finding the dialogue distracting--it sounds a bit too modern, and it takes me into a much later time period than what they are in.

all were in that zombie-like state Would they have called them 'zombies' or something more along the lines of 'waking dead' in 6th C?

Timothy stood at the edge of his vision, forward and to the left into the fen. He appeared to be standing on ground as firm as that Llewin had found. He took a step toward the scout—and found himself up to his knees in frigid, watery mud, the sudden change almost pitching him forward on his face. He started to panic; he had never been a strong swimmer. He forced the fear down, and noticed that Timothy’s legs were some of the him's/his's are a bit confusing at the beginning here--I'm unclear at first which one of them has sunk in the muck

Around EP 50: Be careful not to overdo the image of Llewin forcing/pummeling/beating his fear into submission


they are about fifteen minutes behind us Would they have counted time in minutes? I think clocks might have been a foreign concept, unless they adopted that fromt the Romans as well. Also, it takes approximately 20 minutes to walk a mile comfortably. If they are going at a fast walk (or a fast jog that is slowed down by the mud), 15 minutes would mean their pursuers are somewhere between 3/4 and a full mile away. Is the marsh that still that they would hear them? Is there any sort of life in the marsh that might make noise & cover it? I"m asking because earlier the scout mentions not being able to hear well in the marsh (I think)

EP 62: If Charles speaks in dialect, you may want to make the We a Ve

the great winged helmet, now covered with mud, tied to the sword belt so it, too I know it's probably symbolic, but if he lost his own helmet and there was one available, why wouldn't he wear it? if he really wouldn't, maybe just toss in a line about his reverence for the Redwing's belongings

yards, they heard Derrick start to scream. *Frown* but I liked him....I see why you kind of have to cram all the characters in there...they all start dying right away!

No more…talking,” Llewin shot back. “Got to…keep…in front…of them…can’t…let them…get ahead…of us…save…strength.” His own limbs had remembered their fatigue. They had to get out soon, or they were lost. He guessed If he's naturally falling into the role of leader, I wouldn't have him explain himself. Let him give an order and watch it followed without question. Even if he feels the need to explain himself, the rest would follow without it anyway, right?


they could, numb fingers letting weapons fall to the ground Really? Would they really let them drop?

Another really intesnse segment! I'm in a bit of a rush now since this was so long and I'm running late--(you may want to shorten these segments even if the breaks are illogical just for the sake of reviewing. Personally, I don't really mind, but I don't do them as thoroughly as I do shorter pieces. Also, a lot of readers are intimidated by length. Just a suggestion *Smile* )

You're balancing setting and action very well. Your characters are dropping like flies! I'm glad some of them make it out. I was sad that the giant fell...which is a good sign for your writing, because it's not very far into it to have a reader care about a character.

Good job!
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Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I feel this is a marked improvement over the original. The pace clips along at a good pace, and the tension leading up to the battle is amazing how it builds so slowly and finally culminates in such epic proportions.

The opening line grabs my attention right away now.

(I'm not going to go into great grammatical detail, because I'd really like to get to the next chapter...sorry! *Wink* )

Llewin's character has become a bit more sinister. For some reason the fact that he enjoys killing the Saxon's sticks in my mind a bit more now. Nice touch with the detail about his sister's smile!!!!!

I think I realized what seems off with this work--(and it's me and not you, which is good news for you, right?) It's all the contractions that the characters speak in. It's not distracting in the narrative at all, but in my head, 6th century Britons speak like a mix between Beowulf and Shakespeare, which I know doesn't even make any sense, especially since these are Barbaric-type characters & in my head I want them to speak with great ceremony and proper grammar. Silly me! Now that I've identified the quirk, I think it will be less distracting for me. Just thought I'd let you know in case you get any more "Something is strange but I don't know what" comments. *Smile*

I'm running off to chapter 2. Good rewrite!
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Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
The Hundred straddled the Roman road almost perfectly, thirty men on the east side and forty on
My computer stopped wanting to use your edit points...sorry. So the "Hundred" is rather more a name than an actual count?

The numbers of this force only made it more imperative that they stop the Saxons here, for to allow this army to enter Britain would lead only to disaster This sets the stage for the story to progress far beyond this battle. Very well done.

screamed as they fell dying before the curtain of feathered steel Your style can be very poetic at times without being overly distracting (ie, 'look at the pretty words I use to say they all die'), which I consider to be the mark of a talented writer.

I'm no historian...but would Llewin have thought in "yards"? Was that an established measure in the 6th C.?

All around, men screamed, metal clashed, the clang of iron, the ring of steel. Wood cracked against wood as shields splintered, and more than once Llewin heard the wet crunch as wood or iron tore into bone. Screams of rage turned into screams of frustration, or pain, or were suddenly cut off as throats or chests or guts were ripped open. Every man screamed, to frighten his enemies, to give vent to his rage, to remind himself that he was still alive this whole segment was particularly well written
He had heard men liken battle to a dance, and it often seemed to Llewin that it was so; macabre and bloody, to be sure, but a dance nonetheless. He danced with his enemies for minutes, or hours, among the rocks, pausing occasionally long enough to remind one of his men to draw back, to get back to the shelter of the rocks, to hold the line and not get separated from the others Likening battle to dance is an often-used metaphor, but you do it very carefully, and it doesn't sound cliche.

Iron hands to again wait behind their rocks, had their attention fixed on the fight to their front and never even noticed that their flank was open, much less that death was coming from that direction.~41~
you missed cap. "Hands" here.

Llewin opened his mouth to ask a question, but no words would come. He closed it again and nodded weakly. “Aye, Sir,” he finally found the strength to say. So we live, and the rest die. We run, and our friends die so we can get away. It was a sentence worse than death; he could not imagine living with the shame Your description of Llewin's reaction goes a long way to develop his character in a short space. He's quickly becoming that noble knight I want him to be...tell me he slays the Saxons in a herioc epic battle scene later! *Wink*

ooh...what a tantalizing ending to the first piece. Gave me chills!

One thing about the piece as a whole (I tried to put in comments where I found them with the edit points, but at some point my computer gave up on me. I hope none got lost.) I tried to keep sort of the same format with cut & paste so you can see what I was thinking while reading it. Okay, the one negative thing I have to say--this is almost physically exhausting to read! It's wonderful, and descriptive, and the scene plays out so vividly that I hate to tell you that some of it may need to be cut...I don't want you to lose any of it! But it's an incredibly intense scene with not a lot of relief.

All in all, I like it. Your characters are great (maybe save a little of the info you give about the Ten that don't actually do anything specific in this first part to keep from overwhelming your readers--see my edit point in this section).

I'm genuinely looking forward to reading the next bit, though I'm going to have to prepare myself if it's as taxing on the senses as this one! *Wink*

Keep it up!

nadja
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Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I just reviewed this, but my mouse went all screwy. I meant to give it a 4....

sorry!

nadja
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Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Yet another, rocks endlessly carving I don't think you need the comma here, it brings an unnecessary pause to the otherwise smooth flow of the paragraph.

Wide eyed grins of astonished wide-eyed, I think is more technically correct

walks behind a large headed large-headed

Ho”, well typo--take out the extra "

skull of the old man the kid will become is already shaping his head. It isn’t a face on which a child’s innocent smile would easily fit. this is a very unique description, one that I really enjoy as a writer. The rist sentence was a bit confusing on the first read through, maybe you could reword it a little (don't lose the sentiment!) I'm not sure why I found it confusing, but it took me 3 reads to figure out what you were saying--once I did, I thought it was great though!

Order placed. I like your style--these short, sweet little sentences that just sum everything up--almost the literary equivolent of one-liner jokes I'd say. Very appropriate to your subject matter.

awe struck would it be awe-struck? I'm too lazy to look that one up right now...

Vernon notices how sorrow has left the father’s face no resistance to gravity. You have a lot of these gorgeous descriptive lines that make your writing very enjoyable. Great imagery.(In the first read-through, I thought right here that the little boy did something to his mother)

Vernon notices how sorrow has left the father’s face no resistance to gravity. and Here I am rewarded! What a creepy little kid!


This job’s over, the last ..... daytime but these lanes are not well lit at 3:30am my issue is with 'this' and 'these'--they make it seem as though you're slipping into 1st person instead of the more intangible 3rd. I think I like it better in a detached voice--i.e., replacing 'this' with 'the'...just my opinion!

He hears the heavy rapid thud someone running toward him. missing 'of' between thud & someone?

at Vernon. then the light goes out. punctuation

Very entertaining. I was a bit confused by the ending, I had to read it a few times, but I think that's because of the wording of "as they passed Vernon the kiddnapper winked at Vernon"--the double 'Vernon''s had me thinking that somehow there were two Vernon's. I think you could replace the second Vernon with 'him' and still have the same effect. I like the twist at the end. It's unexpected, which is kind of nice because the reader expects the kid's blackmail, so unsettling the reader achieves a very "Twilight Zone" effect. A few grammatical/technical issues, I tried to mark them where I caught them. Perect length for this story. I wouldn't advise expanding it, the quick, punch-y delivery is suited well to the story and the pace.

nadja
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Review of The Mining Town  Open in new Window.
Review by Nadja B Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
no matter what the weather is like. --should this be 'was like'?

When I had to run errands, I would time my trips to avoid the rain. I was no stranger to rainy weather, and I hated it in San Francisco as much as I hated it in Silverton--I love this. It shows real depth in the character, and it kind of starts to show that maybe she won't hate this place forever--almost a turning point of sorts--if there's something here that she hated just as much in SF, then maybe 'here' isn't so bad...

holding my bright pink parasol over my brown hat.--this is funny, because every time I read it, I picture the 'uncouth' townsfold giggling behind their curtains, and I can just imagine what they say about her.

what an ending! I love the little twist at the end, but it's almost a bit disappointing because I was rooting for the 'girl' to change and to see the miners in a different way. however, since that is what i was expecting, I think I rather like it this way. I want it to be longer (of course, nosy me), but when you're keeping it to a certain number of words, that's just not really possible. Although...do you know what a neat historical novel (with a dash of romance) this would make? I would buy it (and I'm not much of one for romance)!

I'm not kidding--I think this would make a very appealing historical novel. Your style is well-suited for this 'genre'--you convey the history through setting/general description without ever once sounding like a history lecture.

more, more, more!

nadja
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