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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nakmeister
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26 Public Reviews Given
37 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Nakmeister Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
An interesting article. I sincerely hope I never find myself eating the Naga Jolokia pepper! There is a lot of technical information in here, but I think you have handled this well and peppered (no pun intended!) the technical bits with humorous asides, which makes the reading easier and more enjoyable.

I like learning new things and I certainly did that today. As well as the new knowledge I now have, I particularly liked your imagining the man in the pub not being able to bring himself to ask for a glass of milk. Good stuff!
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Review by Nakmeister Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+
A really interesting story, I do like little bits of history like this. Is it a true story about Kennedy visiting Amherst college, and were you there? I'm from the UK but have visited Massaschusetts and think passed by Amherst once, will have to check a map!

The story has made me interested in reading more about JFK and Robert Frost, the latter I know almost nothing about, so thank you for that.

Overall the writing was almost flawless, just spotted one typo midway through the 4th paragraph "making it their mission to see JFK tthat morning" - two t's in that.

Off to visit wikipedia for a bit of research now...
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Review by Nakmeister Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very good cautionary tale about the power of advertising and persuasion in today's commercialised world. I could well believe that such a thing could happen, and even if it didn't, advertising has enough real negative effects.

I like the man standing on a far off hill watching the sunset, possibly cliched but I like the imagery. The length is just right for the story, and I didn't see where it was going before I got there. Good stuff.
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Review by Nakmeister Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
An interesting read. I am interested in early American history, but didn't know much about the colony of Rhode Island. It looks like you have done quite a bit of research into this topic, and you have looked at many different aspects of the early colony.

The main body of your essay reads like an encyclopedia article on the subject (though does offer some opinions), however your conclusion is more discursive. For me, the main part of the article comes across as a bit disjointed at times, mainly because you discuss topics one at a time, consequently you are flicking backwards and forwards in time as you move between different topics. This is a reflection of the essay/encylopdia structure that you were following rather than a reflection of your writing (which was good).

Although I found I learned a lot from the main body of the article, I thought the best bit was in your conclusion where you discussed the effect the early Rhode Island colony had on the development of the United States as a whole.

At one point you suggested that the Rhode Island colony was unique in that it bought land off the Indians rather than taking it by force. I'd check your facts here, as I believe other New England colonies did this too (Plymouth/Massachusets).

The essay would benefit from a bit of tidying up, checking that each sentence works as it should and there are no mistakes. You also change tense at a couple of points - given you are talking about the past you shouldn't really stray out of the past tense. I think the 15th paragraph is a good example of this: "the Indians would lodge with him, Williams too will occasionally stay in an Indian residence". In the first part you've correctly used the word "would" (past tense), but in the second part of that sentence you've used the word "will" (present tense). I'd replace "will" with "would" i.e. stick to the past tense. Also check through the essay for more examples of this.

I hope my review has been helpful. Overall, an interesting article that serves as a useful introduction to the history of Rhode Island. Keep up the writing!
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Review by Nakmeister Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed this story. It does a good job of giving the reader a flavour of Louisiana in the first half of the 19th century. I'm British but have an interest in early American history, so the story suits my tastes well. I notice in your notes at the end of the story that you'd like to write more about this family. This story serves as a good introduction to the characters and setting, and I know I'd love to read more whenever you write some!

I've got a few specific points/suggestions for improvement, I hope you don't mind.

TENSE - This is something I have a problem with in some of my writing, as I tend to wander between past and present tense occasionally. As far as I can tell, your story is written in the past tense ("Jesse smiled", "Jesse joined his family" etc.) There are a couple of places where you tend to (probably accidentally) switch to the present tense. The best example of this is in the 3rd paragraph from the end. It starts with the words "As they walk past the landing". You've switched into the present tense here I think. The next paragraph has it right, starting with "As they walked past the store" - i.e. the past tense. The only other time I noticed the change in tense was in the middle of the 6th paragraph where you've written "the girls gasp in excitement". Again, gasp is present tense whereas if you change gasp to gasped you're in the past tense and will remain consistent with the rest of the piece.

The main character is called Jesse, but in a couple of places you've called him Jess. It's alright for another character to call him Jess in dialogue, but as part of the general narrative I find this a bit confusing, and personally think sticking with one or the other would be better.

In the 4th paragraph from the end you've got the words "let head home". I think this may be just a slight typo and you probably meant to put either "lets head home" or "let us head home", either of which would have worked fine.

In the second paragraph you wrote "A nice new bath tub & a Cannon stove". I'd take out the ampersand symbol and just use the word "and" instead. In an article like this, using the symbol rather than the word seems strange (though this could just be me).

Finally, you mention that the the young fellows have "not much jingle in their jeans". I like the phrase a lot, but believe jeans were invented in 1853 by Levi Strauss in California. You might just want to check that use of them in your story fits in with this timeline, i.e. check whether they'd have had jeans in Louisiana at this time. A picky point which I probably never would have thought of it it hadn't been such a fun, catchy phrase you used, sorry!

Overall this was a great story which I enjoyed a lot, and really hope you'll write some more stories with these characters and this setting. I hope you don't mind my suggestions above. Above all keep writing, and let me know when you write any more stories!
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Review of Hyperbole  Open in new Window.
Review by Nakmeister Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A great educational poem. When I started to read this I didn't know what hyperbole was, I think I once knew but think I left it in a school English lesson somewhere - careless I know! Now however I understand what hyperbole is all about. I enjoyed the poem, it was amusing, entertaining and informative. Thank you.
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Review of That Day  Open in new Window.
Review by Nakmeister Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I'm about as far from an expert at poetry as anyone can get, and very rarely write any myself so I can only go on my personal impressions on reading it and can't review it in any more technical way.

I thought it was a really good poem, the short lines give it more impact I think. I like the fact that you've repeated the 'A time for' verses throughout and that the first and last verses were the same (again this gives it more impact, and repeating the first verse at the end rounds off the poem nicely). I was a little unsure at first why in one of the verses your dropped the 'A' and just went for 'time for change, time for prayer, time for peace'. Then it occured to me that perhaps the other 'A time for' verses were all referring to that dreadful day, but that verse was referring to the here and now after the events of 9/11 have passed. I don't know if this is what you meant, but that is the meaning I saw in it.

I also particularly liked the verse 'Now political issues, Have replaced tissues'. Clever, and unfortunately all too true.

Overall an excellent poem that does a good job of telling us what happened on that very sad day.
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Review of Starship Sentry  Open in new Window.
Review by Nakmeister Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, what a clever story. I feel a bit daft for not guessing until the end that the Sentry was in fact a dog - it was very cleverly written. I did as you suggested and went back to re-read the story after I'd read it the first time and knew what it was all about. All the clues were there, it all fits so well.

I see you have won an award for this piece, and I've got to say I'm not surprised it really deserves an award. Do you always write stories this clever?

Many thanks, I will check out your portfolio to see what else you have written!
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Review by Nakmeister Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I think you have got good potential for a story here, there are a number of different routes it could take from now on.

1) Violet could die and the story could be about Abi and how she copes in the aftermath. She might be wracked by guilt at not being able to save her sister.

2) Violet could survive the fire, but there could be a long agonizing wait to find out if she is going to be ok.

3) Abi could begin a search to find out the cause of the fire. Maybe it could be arson and Abi tries to find out who is responsible and brings them to justice.

4) This could be a prologue. Violet could go into a coma, and the story could be about her not knowing if she is alive, dead, dreaming or awake, but desparately trying to escape.

There are lots of possibilities, which is what I like about the very beginnings of stories. Let me know when you have written some more.
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Review by Nakmeister Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed reading your poem, so much so, that I went back over it several times. It brims over with detail and is full of facts following the time-line of Saint George from start to finish which was very interesting to learn. It is difficult I find, to reduce so many events into such a concentrated form.

However, I think you did this very well. I particularly liked the acrostic within the poem. It gave the words an extra dimension which I thought was really clever. It was constructive as well as creative and although quite wordy for a poem, I wouldn't have changed it. I liked the fact that you haven't made the words fit the acrostic in a clumsy way. It's very smoothly written even though you obviously had to fit the acrostic in. Well done!
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Review of One happy family.  Open in new Window.
Review by Nakmeister Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I found this an interesting insight into life, politics and religion in a typical middle class American family. Not being American I don't know how typical the ideas portrayed here are of public opinion. But it's a good attempt to put a message across. I thought it quite surprising that a 10 year old would use the sort of language or ideas that he is doing, even if he is just copying off his older brother, but that's just a minor point. Perhaps it might be more realistic to up his age a couple of years.

The ending was a shock, however I didn't understand the biblical reference the father read at the end. Are you suggesting that the boy died because he took the Lord's name in vain, that the death of the boy is punishment to the parents because they took the Lord's name in vain, or are you suggesting that the father is turning to the bible in an attempt to justify and explain why his son died (and further cementing the belief he is right?).

Slightly confused at the end, but overall very interesting idea.
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Review of Fireside Story  Open in new Window.
Review by Nakmeister Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I enjoyed this story. You've managed to create a good image of the cold, stormy night in the mountains and made it feel quite spooky even before the appearance of the ghost. I wasn't expecting the twist at the end, so that worked well.

The language you've used is good, and the only the mistake I can see is towards the end of the 3rd paragraph when you said "the spirit of the dead walked through these wood". I think you're missing an 's' off the end and should in fact read "...walked through these woods." Looks like a typo.

Generally, a good enjoyable story with a twist that I didn't see coming. Thanks.
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Review of Lake Wickaboag  Open in new Window.
Review by Nakmeister Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really loved this piece, it was very evocative, almost magical. When I first opened up the page, I thought the writing wouldn't be able to match up to the beautiful photograph. I was wrong. The imagery in this piece was wonderful, the use of language excellent.

I particularly liked the fact that you told the story of Lake Wickaboag throughout all of the seasons, not just describing its physical attributes but telling the story of what people, children and adults, did around the lake.

As a newbie to writing.com I've just read some suggestions for how to write good reviews. It suggests that as well as saying what you liked about the piece, you should say what you didn't like about the piece or what could be improved. I can't think of anything. Sorry!
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Review of Granite Cities  Open in new Window.
Review by Nakmeister Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I thought this was a fascinating article, gentle, thought-provoking and with good imagery. I did enjoy walking down your memory lane, I find it very interesting to read snippets of other people's memories particularly when they are as fascinating and well written as yours. You did a great job of combining childhood memories with description of these special places. I could really imagine you sat reading your book and eating your lunch sat in that peaceful cemetery. I do agree with you though, what do people find scary about these places? I'm Britsh, and used to live in Liverpool, one of the cities in the north of the country. It really was something of an urban jungle, particularly as I'd always lived in much smaller places before. The only greenery near enough to easily walk to was the cathedral cemetery which was just behind the apartment where I lived. As soon as I went down into cemetery I felt like I was in a different world. The noise of the city seemed to vanish, you couldn't see any buildings other than the cathedral towering high above, and it was such a beautiful place. I used to love walking through there at anytime in the year.

So although I live half a world away from you, I can definitely relate to your article, and really enjoyed reading it. I just had one question. You article is about the cemeteries in a small New England town where you grew up. Do you mind asking me which town? I'd like to look it up, for interest's sake. If you'd keep it unknown, that's fine. Anyway thank you for this article, I really enjoyed reading it.
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