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1
Review of Captured Images  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*[he pulls the old slight of hand] "Slight" should be sleight.


Wording:


*Reading*[There is only what I sense first of all.] I would recommend rephrasing this for clarity: [First of all, this is only what I sense.]


Plot and Story:


*Idea*[And which bridge is easier to jump from…if I turn him down for dinner?] *Laugh* What a lovely line! Did you think of that?


Overall:


*Star*An interesting and surprising story; I came upon it on its own and hadn't read the stories that are apparently before it. I had no clue that the woman was actually a vampire, and who the deaf man was; I thought it was simply a romance story. Very interesting, and very well written! I enjoyed reading this immensely. Your imagery was good; and your grammar was great too. I found only one mistake, which is noted above.


Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi

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2
2
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*[“Whose he,” the servant asked] Whose should be who's, since it's a contraction of "who is."

*Bullet*[Not have me tell you the colors of my thread.] You need to end your quotation marks here.

*Bullet*[He wasn’t wearing his lords green but rather an old tunic] Lords is possessive, so there should be an apostrophe before the s.

*Bullet*[or even something so definate as to be called an ending.] Definate should be definite.


Wording:


*Reading*[Instead he watched the strange women, renowned for her weaving as she stood, looking at her broken heart with a sad, ironic twist to her mouth.] There are several things strange about this sentence: first, women, which is plural, should be woman, to make it singular. The phrase "renowned for her weaving" is a bit out of place; I would recommend deleting it, since we already picked up the implication that she is an excellent and sought-after weaver. Thirdly, how can the man look at her heart? Do you mean the tapestry? In that case, you could say the representation of her broken heart instead.


Story, Plot, and Characters:


*Idea*Excellent beginning--sort of classical with a twist by establishing yourself as the narrator and by introducing the tale. Nice!

*Idea*The white and gold weaving with the blank space in the middle--you say it was to cure a lonely girl's broken heart. Do you mean the weaver, or some other girl?


Overall:


*Star**Cry* Absolutely excellent! The only reason I didn't give it a 5 is because of a few spelling errors. The ending was heartbreaking, but worth a thousand happy (but sometimes cheap) endings. You made the characters seem alive, and you wove emotions into the story as if it were really happening. This is the best short story I've read on this site in a while; very well done! I applaud your skills. *Smile*


Keep up the great work!

Redbird/Naomi

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3
3
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*[First came his old breast plate armor and a battered helmet both of which bore many nicks and dings from a countless battles and which any junk dealer would have turned up his nose at because of their disrepair.] This is a bit of a run-on, and a little confusing--I would recommend changing it to [First came his old breast plate [took out "armor"] and a battered helmet, both of which bore the nicks and dings of countless battles. Any self-respecting junk dealer would have turned up his nose at the dilapidated armor.]

*Bullet*[Now the castle, defended by only a small contingent of the Queen’s own guard was surrounded and was about to be overrun.] There should be a comma after "guard."

*Bullet*The most common grammatical error I see in this story is run-on sentences. You state two completely different thoughts in the same sentence and often don't try to separate them even by a comma, dash, or semicolon. When you finish one thought, the best thing to do is put a period and begin a new sentence for the corresponding thought. *Smile*

*Bullet*[Probably some retired old man-at-arms who still insisted on wearing his armor when abroad on the road traveling, kind of pathetic Legan thought, he had seen many of this type in the village inns he had stayed at while on the road.] I've found it useful to put a character's thoughts in italics so it would be easier to see what he's thinking and what is the narration. The code for italics is {i} and when you want to end them, {/i}. The sentence above might be better: [Probably some old, retired man-at-arms who still insisted on wearing his armor when abroad [took out "on the road traveling"]. Kind of pathetic, Legan thought. He had seen many of this type in the village inns that he'd been staying in while travelling.]

*Bullet*Exclamation points, in my opinion, should be used sparingly so as to give them more emphasis when they are used. *Smile*

*Bullet*[“Arwen Hawken.” The old man said softly] The period should be a comma, and the T in the shouldn't be capitalized.

*Bullet*[about seven foot long and straight as a spear] Foot should be feet.

*Bullet*[She stopped in front of the old man and starred into his eyes] Starred should be stared.

*Bullet*[Legan nodded his head in acceptance, what else could he do.] This should be something like [Legan nodded his head in acceptance--what else could he do?]


Wording:


*Reading*[A long blue plume adorned the young knights helmet that completely covered his face.] This might sound better as [A long blue plume, completely covering his face, adorned the young knight's helmet.]

*Reading*[“Of course you will One eye.”] You will? *Frown* In One Eye's last speaking, he only spoke of the Queen: "She will see you die and then she will take me as her mate."


Plot, Storyline, and Characters:


*Idea*Just how old is Arwen? At the beginning of the story, I somehow get the impression that he is young--mid-twenties or even an older teenager. Apparently, though, as I read farther, he is quite a bit older than that. *Frown*

*Idea*[Because he had toyed with all his foes and drew out the fight he was almost exhausted and had been hit a half dozen times by sharp blades.] I would think that Arwen, being so intelligent and such a great fighter, would simply decommission all the orcs as quickly as he could and save his strength.*Frown*


Overall:


*Star*This is a pretty good story, all in all. It was of a suitable length--long enough to get some good development in, but not long enough to bore the reader. There were several grammatical errors. Also, the heroism and toughness of Arwen could be viewed as a bit overplayed, and his nickname "pup" for Legan can become a bit tiring. Perhaps you could vary it with, say, "tiger" or "sport," etc. Also, the ending (with the Princess being Arwen's daughter) lost some of its impact because we didn't know anytime before this that the the Queen even had a daughter. Other than these things, though, nice story!

Merry Christmas, and keep up the great work!


Redbird/Naomi

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Review of The Ransom  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*[whose golden hair and fair skin, along with her grace and charm, would like to have won the heart of every noble man in the kingdom.] would like to doesn't really make sense--perhaps [might have won] might do better.

*Bullet*["I am Redimere of Lucidus”, he said, “and I have come to speak to King Anguis regarding the captivity of my subjects.] The comma after [Lucidus"] should be inside the quotation marks.

*Bullet*[but remember that your name will always be Anguis, not Sanguis] *Frown* I'm afraid I don't get this bit; are the members of the royal family who carry Sanguis Numen named Sanguis?

*Bullet*[Guards take him away and put him to a slow torturous death.] There should be a comma after "Guards."


Wording:


*Reading*[The ladies made themselves new dresses, the men donned their new hats, and the children plotted how to ruin their new shoes.] I love that last bit about the children! It made me laugh out loud. *Smile*

*Reading*[Redimere ran to Ecclesia’s chamber, but she was gone. He was heart-broken.] This brief description of how Redimere acts when he finds that his true love has been kidnapped--or killed, for all he knows--makes him seem a bit shallow. Does he rage? Does he weep in his inability to do anything to save her? Does he become determined to find her, or if she is dead, to avenge her?

*Reading*[Standing at his right hand, with a sorrowful frown on hers was Princess Ecclesia. ] On hers should probably be taken out; I had to think for a second to realize what "hers" was.


Storyline, Plot, and Characters:


*Idea*The first thing I noticed right off in reading the first paragraph of this story was why some reviewers might have called it "worn," as you mentioned when you asked for reviews. Fables, books, and fairy tales are heavily laden with the most common sort of fairy tale: brave, strong knight; beautiful (sometimes otherwise apparently worthless) princess/maiden; and an intensely evil foe. This can get tiring to some. After all--not all foes are completely evil... maybe they were just deceived, or wanted something so badly they were blinded by it (even though they might have had good intentions at one time). Not all men are strong and brave--there are some good men out there that have good hearts that aren't always inhumanly brave or inordinatly muscular. And all kings are also human--they may rule justly for the most part, but some people must have complaints against him. *Smile*

*Idea*As I read further, I think that this could probably turn out to be a very good short tale; but I can't really get into it, because I don't know anyone in it. So far you've only mentioned the noble king and his son, and the evil king. What are they thinking? Does the noble king hate the other, or does he even care? What does he think of the starving subjects of the counterpart land? Has he tried to save any of them before? Does Redimere have fun? What does he look like? A little more character development would do this story much good, even though it's already nicely done.

*Idea*Hm... Just how big is Lucidus? If the army of Opacus had enough power, not to mention chains, to take them all captive and march them all out, it sounds as if both these kingdoms might have been small indeed--especially if the entire kingdom of Lucidus was gathered.

*Idea*I thought that Sanguis Numen made the bearer able to avoid death--so why is the king and his son worried, if that's true?

*Idea*No matter how much a king loved his subjects, and no matter how much a prince was faithful to his father and also loved his father's people, a king and a prince are still father and son--especially as you describe them here (apparently loving and respectful). If your son offered to basically offer himself up to be more than likely maimed, tortured gruesomely, and then murdered in humiliation--and it might not even be any gain at all to your subjects, who would probably still be captives after it was all over anyway--would you even consider letting him go, much less wave him off, apparently with little resistance? *Smile* Perhaps the king should put up some more resistance--he wouldn't let his knights go, because they would "die needlessly in battle." So why is he letting his own son go to do the same? It would add to character development, too, if perhaps the father and son had a bitter fight, and Redimere left anyway out of desperation to have his true love back and in thinking that this was the only way to even have a chance at winning back the kingdom's people. Just an idea! *Smile*

*Idea*[He also released them from their shackles, and comforted them with a message of hope, for he knew that soon he was going win the release of them all.] The second bit makes Redimere sound a bit pompous--has he no fear that he might fail, as is likely from the telling of the story so far?

*Idea*Princess Ecclesia sounds a bit weak-willed and like the common fairy tale princess--a mere, albeit uncommonly beautiful, prize to be won by the man. Doesn't she put up any resistance when the evil king tells her she is to be his bride? As she is Redimere's true love, I would think she would rather die than marry another man, much less a truly evil opposing king--likely old enough to be her father.

*Idea*[This went on for some time, until finally, Redimere could take no more and expired.] The paragraph preceding this makes me feel no anger that Redimere is tortured; not even any real empathy that he dies in horrible circumstances. The term "expires" makes it sound almost as if Redimere just died peacefully in his sleep one night, instead of more than likely being tortured to death and in unimaginable agony.

*Idea*[She could not bear the thought of being married to that awful Anguis so she began to think the morbid thoughts that one sometimes thinks when they have lost their true love.] Perhaps something like this might be more descriptive: [She could not bear to even think of marriage to such a twisted man, the one who had murdered her beloved Redimere while she could only stand by, helpless to do anything to alleviate his agony. Now that he had been torn from her forever, she kept her head down and her tears silent, and began to think the black thoughts that a woman thinks when her love is ripped away in such an unimaginable fashion.]


Overall:


*Star*I think that this story has a lot of potential, indeed. It could be intriguing and make me want to read it over and over again. However, the way it is currently, I think of it as a mediocre, ordinary fairy tale. It's not very realistic, and it fits neatly into the format of classical fairy tales. There is, of course, a place for classics--but even they can become tiresome if there are too many of them. Some things you could do to make this piece better are mentioned above. I think the most important thing to do is to include an introduction to the actual characters, and to "show" instead of "tell." Character and scenery development are also in need. Your grammar, however, is very good--I found very few instances where it could be improved upon. All in all, a nice, average fairy tale, and one that could be vastly improved to be an excellent one!


Keep up the great work!


Redbird/Naomi


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Review of Urban Foxes  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
         "Urban Foxes" is a short romance story about a first date. When do things go too far, and how do you choose the line?


_/-~-\_



Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*Your formatting in this story makes it look like one long, tiresome block of text. I recommend separating it into separate paragraphs with an extra blank line between each one, and using indents at the beginning of each paragraph. (The code for indents is: {indent}.)

*Bullet*You should begin a new paragraph each time the speaker changes, and use double quotation marks. For example:
['I've had a lovely time tonight,' she said.
'The pleasure was all mine. I've thoroughly enjoyed your company,' he replied.] should be:
[          "I've had a lovely time tonight," she said.

         "The pleasure was all mine. I've thoroughly enjoyed your company," he replied.]

*Bullet*[No,.I've got a camisole on.] There should be just the comma, and no period after "no". You do this several times.

*Bullet*['Am I making you feel uncomfortable?' He asked concernedly] Since this is a dialogue tag, the h in "he" shouldn't be capitalized.


Overall:


*Star*Please forgive my low rating, but I try to be as useful as possible when reviewing--and rating. I had two main problems I had with this piece: the formatting, and the plot--there doesn't seem to be any of either. The suggestions I made above should thoroughly improve the formatting, thus encouraging more readers. As for the plot: just who is this woman? Who is this man? I found myself wondering throughout the story if I should like or dislike him, or even care if he ended up with the woman in the end. You tell us what happens instead of show us; your story needs more imagery, more life in it. It almost seemed like it was just a thinly veiled almost-erotica rather than a short romance story. To be appreciated in the spirit it was meant, it needs something more. I think this story has good potential--but it just needs a tad of work. *Smile*


Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi

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Review of His Mother's Eyes  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
         "His Mother's Eyes" is a chilling short story about an old man, dying of cancer, and his son--who is questioning his father's sanity after learning a shocking, buried secret about his "crazy" mother.


_/-~-\_



Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*I recommend that you use indents at the beginning of each paragraph; they tend to make text look more professional and readable.

*Bullet*[He felt the coarseness of the over starched sheets on his body] [over starched] can be just [overstarched.]

*Bullet*[She held the door open and the tall gangly man that had been by three times earlier, entered the room with a strained smile on his face that was obviously forced on to hide the worry.] This should be: [She held the door open and the tall, gangly man--who had been by three times earlier--entered the room with a strained smile that was obviously forced to hide the worry.]

*Bullet*[Although I tried, but she was incapable of love.] The "but" here is unnecessary.


Wording:


*Reading*[Horace awoke with a start. Gasped for air.] This might flow better as: [Horace awoke with a start, gasping desperately for air.]

*Reading*[I wanted you more than her and she knew it] The [her and she] part can be a little confusing at first sight.


Plot, Story, and Imagery:


*Idea*You may want to use a metaphor or some other such literary device in the beginning of the story to let us know that Horace is an older man; I was imaging him, for some reason, as a teenager.


Overall:


*Star*Throughout this story, I kept suspecting that the wife was actually sane, and the father was the one that was nutty--keeping her imprisoned, etc. Especially when the son said that he remembered her being loving and all. The ending was thoroughly chilling and rather puzzling at first, until I remembered the title of this story. But there are several things I'm still left wondering: what is this terrible nightmare that Horace keeps having? Is he the crazy one? How did he get away with murdering his wife? Also, more insight into the son's character might be in order--it would make this story even better. I can almost see Horace, but Chris needs to be developed a little more. Other than that, this is an excellently written short horror story.


Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi

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Review of Indiana and Pizza  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*[I was only 22, had a three year daughter, whose father bailed on me when he found out that I was pregnant] There's no need for a comma between "daughter" and "whose."

*Bullet*["I just wanted to look pretty like you momma." was want she told me.] This should be: ["I just wanted to look pretty like you, momma," was what she told me.]

*Bullet*["Your total is 12 dollars even." He told me as he stared back.] Since this is a dialogue tag, there should be a comma instead of a period after [even] and the H in "He" shouldn't be capitalized.


Overall:


*Star*This is a sweet, idealistic story, and one that I found myself smiling at wistfully. If only life was really like this! It's the dream of many a girl and woman--a mysterious, handsome, perfect stranger arrives at her door one day, and takes her (not to mention her daughter, too!) to him. This is a very sweet and romantic story.

Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi

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8
Rated: E | (4.5)
Suggestions:


*Bullet*[but hey I was always known for those clichés,] There should be a comma after "hey."

*Bullet*[Oh Tom, what am I going to do without you.] A question mark is preferable to the period here.

*Bullet*[you were the one that I needed to be there for.”
“Lill, those kids still need you] Since it's still the same speaker, you don't need to close your quotation marks at "for."

*Bullet*[and have grandkids popping out great-grandchildren left and right] There should be an "and" before "great-grandchildren."

*Bullet*[I hope that remember that and know that even now you are in my heart and will stay there until we meet again.] Should there be a "you" between "that" and "remember?"


Overall:


*Star**Cry* That was eloquent, heart-wrenching, and sentimental--great writing! I really love this story. It was very emotional, and it almost made me cry when she read the message on the package. Well-written; I applaud you!

Keep up the great work!

Redbird/Naomi

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Review of Accused  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
         "Accused" is a short monologue of a young gang member who has murdered an innocent bystander who was mistaken for a member of an opposing gang.


_/-~-\_



General Comments:


*Bullet*["Tomas, time to go."The jail guards bring me places] The closing quotation marks need to be moved back a space.

*Bullet*I thought that he had "taken" a human life--but towards the end, he says that [it could have been my body laying in the hospital bed like a vegetable not his]. Is he dead, or is he a vegetable?


Overall:


*Star*This is a hauntingly surreal sort of monologue... it feels very real when it's being read. Using very few descriptions of any sort, you still managed to pull it off well. The only believability issue I would have is: if this young man was in a gang when he killed the other man, usually his thought patterns would probably be different than this. He might not think in such an eloquent fashion--this monologue evokes more the image of a bereaved and disbelieving professional than a young, tough gang member. But other than that, this is truly well done!

Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi

{iamge:732758}
10
10
Review of Santa's Crisis  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
         "Santa's Crisis" is a cute short story about a tired, cynical old Santa. His Spy Elf find that there are only ten pages of the Nice list, while the Naughty list is overflowing with kids who will receive nothing more than coal or reindeer manure in their stockings this year. What can be done to renew the worldwide Christmas spirit?


_/-~-\_



Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*["I don't understand it", grumbled Santa to his lead elf spy] The comma here should be inside the quotation marks.

*Bullet*[Was he losing it or had Christmas lost it's twinkle over the years.] The period would be better as a question mark.

*Bullet*[That does it, he thought. I think I see the problem.] You may want to format the elf's thoughts in italic, to make them easier to understand that it's what he's thinking.


Wording:


*Reading*[Santa is losing his touch and kids are overall more naughty.] This is pretty much optional, but instead of [more naughty] you could also use [naughtier].


Overall:


*Star*This was a nice short story, with a cute moral and a quaint aura--but in all honestly, I must say that I miss the point of it. It doesn't evoke any strong emotion in me, and it doesn't change my mind about something. All it does for me is make me shrug, say "nice story," and move on. Not to say that this is a bad story, or even a below-average story--it's just mediocre. It's cute, but then, there are thousands of cute stories out there... what you have to think of as you write is, what will make yours different? If something about it stands out from the rest, you have a much better chance of being noticed. Aside from that, your grammar and spelling were pretty good, and your storyline was good. I did enjoy the read.

Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi

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Review of A Laughing Matter  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
         "A Laughing Matter" is a light short story about bad-luck-magnet Ginger and her attempted date with a man that her exasperated roommate hopes will sweep her off her feet--and to a different house.


_/-~-\_



Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*I would recommend that you use indents at the beginning of each paragraph--they tend to make text more readable and neater-looking.

*Bullet*[After all, I had lived with her the past year enduring day after day of woeful tales and episodes of embarrassment] A comma after "year" might be in order.

*Bullet*Your form of paragraphs are a bit off-setting; sometimes there is an empty line between them, and sometimes a new line is started without an empty line.

*Bullet*[Should I step in, I wondered.] This might be better formatted as: [Should I step in? I wondered.]


Overall:


*Star*I had no need for my other, usual reviewing categories, because other than a few (mostly optional) grammatical mistakes, this story is perfect. It's short and sweet, and vastly enjoyable. You manage to keep it light, and you don't try so hard to make it funny that it falls flat--which many attempted comedy stories tend to do sometimes. At the ending, I couldn't help but think that the only thing that could make it more ironic is if the main character fell in love with Richard, while Ginger fell in love with Bobby. *Laugh* Anyway, great story, very well written!

Keep up the great work!

Redbird/Naomi

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
         "Writing, on the Dark Side" is a short personal essay about a talent for darker stories, often mirroring those of such horror leaders as Stephen King. Well-written and intriguing.

_/-~-\_



Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*[Ever since picking up my very first Stephen King novel I have been drawn deep into the realm's of darkness.] [realm's] should be [realms].

*Bullet*[the sole purpose of this job on midnight's] [midnight's] should be [midnights]. You do this several more times throughout the story; watch out for that! *Smile*

*Bullet*[When ever writers block threatens to set in] [writers] should have an apostrophe before the s to make it possessive.

*Bullet*[I can always take some idea even if its from a small article] [its] should be [it's].


Wording:


*Reading*[you will find that most of the writing found revolves around personal and real life situations] "Find" and "found" are a little repetitive here.


Overall:


*Star*This is the best piece of yours that I've read yet, as far as keeping the reader interested goes. You seem to have a very unique and intriguing talent--but on a more personal note, you might want to be careful about it. Even though it's fascinating (I myself can do it, but to a lesser degree than you), it can lead to some dark places sometimes. Back to reviewing: you had fewer grammatical errors in this essay, and I found it interesting and eveloping. Truly well done!

Keep up the great work!

Redbird/Naomi

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13
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
         "Song of the Sand Demons" is the first chapter of a book. A woman, distraught and lonely, is stranded in the desert with no civilization in sight after leaving her husband.


_/-~-\_



Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*[The bright yield sign yellow rust bucket of a car] I would recommend changing this for clarity to [The bright, yield-sign yellow rust bucket of a car].

*Bullet*[once known as a sporty Firebird, rounded another curve, only to place its worn,bald tires on another long stretch of desert highway] This should be [once known as a sporty Firebird rounded another curve, only to place its worn, bald tires on another long stretch of desert highway.]

*Bullet*["What are you doing?" she whispered] You should start a new paragraph here.

*Bullet*[her feet swollen] should be [her feet were swollen].

*Bullet*[Back then, she had always thought things were alright between the two of them, the kids now grown had went off to live their own lives.] The last clause of this should be [now that the kids were grown and had left to live their own lives.]

*Bullet*[A bit puffy from the last crying jag she managed to indulge into] "Into" should be [in].

*Bullet*[and shedding the nights shroud of shadows] [nights] should be [night's].

*Bullet*You may want to run a spellcheck on this story; there are several misspelled/misused words.

*Bullet*Be careful with the run-on sentences; there are quite a few here.

*Bullet*[ball of fire shimmering above it all would have made some artists dream come true.] [artists] should be [artists'].


Wording:


*Reading*Using action verbs rather than linking verbs (ie, "roll" instead of "place," "sniffed" instead of "smelled," etc.) can help spice up the imagery of this piece a lot. Just a suggestion from one reader's point of view, of course!

*Reading*[she whispered once again as if it were the only thing she could mutter over and over ever since she left her husband sitting in his usual chair in the suburban living room home he occupied, surrounded by empty beer cans and the TV set on, as he slept it off in the usual nightly routine] Wow! That's a long sentence. I would recommend using something along the lines of: [she whispered once again. It seemed to be the only thing she could mutter, over and over, ever since she left her husband sitting in his usual chair in their suburban living room home, surrounded by empty beer cans and the TV set on, sleeping it off in the usual nightly routine.]

*Reading*[ few cactus standing erect] The plural of cactus is cacti. *Smile*


Overall:


*Star*This story contained quite a few grammatical and usage errors that tend to distract a reader from the story. Especially make sure to watch out for those run-ons--there are several of those in here. The story itself looks to turn out pretty interesting, and the writing itself was fairly well-done. Nice job!

Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
         "Dream of a Golden Horse" is a beautifully crafted ethnic poem about the voice of the creator and the journey of a man across the bluff and beyond.


_/-~-\_



Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*Although it's not necessary in poetry, you may want to consider using some punctuation, such as periods or dashes, to show pauses and stops at the end of sentences/lines.

*Bullet*[The sky above me, sang through rays of blue] Excellent imagery here! There's no need for a comma though.

*Bullet*[My eyes lifted, and i began to sing] The [i] should be capitalized. This is also done a few more times throughout the poem.

*Bullet*[The creators voice spoke inside] [creators] should be [creator's] to make it possessive.


Wording:


*Reading*[I seen the faces, of those before me] "Seen" should be "saw." You also do this again a little later in the story.

*Reading*[As the hoofs of grey] "Hoofs" should be [hooves].


Overall:


*Star*Wow! This was an excellently done poem. I loved the metaphors throughout it, as well. A few of the lines that seemed to randomly rhyme threw me off some, though, and there were just a few grammatical errors. Also, it can become a little repetitive. But all in all, nice job! I enjoyed the read.

Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi

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15
15
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*What are the three vertical p's at the top of the story for? They're a little distracting.*Smile*

*Bullet*I recommend that you use indents at the beginning of each paragraph; I've found it makes text neater-looking and easier to read.

*Bullet*["Well, aren't you a mage?" she demanded.
She uncurled his hand from her arm and backed away from him.] Why the sudden line break? If you're beginning a new paragraph there should be another blank line.

*Bullet*[The Dark Mage seemed slightly surprised by this tack and swung too late.] Tack; do you mean tactic?

*Bullet*[With another gulp, he eyed the Dark Mage, who's fury was piercing through the air from his eyes.] [who's] should be [whose].

*Bullet*[and the leader of the Dark will take her blood and consume it and . . . ‘ and he] I see no need for the apostrophe.*Smile*


Wording:


*Reading*[The landscape was vivid with earthy tones of brown and deep greens. The low mounds of the mountains were a soft, muddy green.] "Green" seems a little repetitive here; Perhaps [The landscape was vivid with earthy tones, the low mounds of the mountains being a soft, muddy green.] might work better?

*Reading*[The glittering brown snake of the muddy river slipped through the earthy purple moor] "Slipped" sounds a little awkward. Maybe "slided," "slithered" or "tumbled" might be better.

*Reading*[Two people stood by this fringe, staring out towards the mountains.] I don't remember any fringe--do you mean the edge of the river? Or between the river and the hills? Or on the edge of a cliff, or what?

*Reading*[He felt the instinctive dislike of open places of a rabbit.] Two identical prepositions in a row are repetitive and a little wordy at times. [He squirmed with the instinctive dislike of open places, feeling distinctively like a rabbit.] might clarify your meaning.



Plot, Story, and Characters:


*Idea*[He wore only a shirt and stiff jacket overtop. The starched collar and shiny boots seemed oddly out of place on the windy moor.] So... he's wearing just a shirt, jacket, and boots? *Blush*

*Idea*["But why?" he demanded.
"That was a question," she said tartly.] *Laugh* I love that!

*Idea*Your imagery is your very distinctive strong spot; I love your sense of picturing and color.

*Idea*At the part where Blair's mother allows him to battle the Dark Mages, I was a little skeptical. The name Dark Mages implies that they are powerful, evil, forces to be reckoned with; and then they are thrown off their horses, slammed into the ground, incapacitated, and one of their number is killed--all by a thirteen year old who has, apparently, never before used that sort of magic. Perhaps you could clarify that these particular Dark Mages weren't really very experienced, or weren't very strong, to make this scenario more believable.


Overall:


*Star*I found components both outstanding and bland in this story. Your outstanding qualities were, to my opinion, your sense of imagery and your ability to make the characters (with the exception of the Dark Mages) seem real and vibrant with personality, even though this is just the short prologue to what is, I assume, a longer story. Your weaker point was probably the plot in this part. It's rather traditional--a boy's father is killed by evil, the boy grows up to learn he will be a great wielder of magic to defeat that evil, etc. You did manage to liven it up more than that bleak description, of course--I'm just thinning it down to give you a different point of view. It all seems so traditional and normal--not bad, of course, but then what's the point of a predictable fantasy story? If you threw in a few twists and maybe some foreshadowing (although I can understand that might be hard to do, as this is just the prologue), I think that this might be greatly improved from its already good substance. Nicely written!

Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi

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16
16
Review of VENGEANCE  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
         "Vengeance" is a short story detailing the miraculous escape of young Chance from a terrifyingly monstrous, werewolf-like creature.


_/-~-\_



Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*Some of your paragraphs are a bit long--as well as having spots where, for no apparent reason, you break the current line and go on to a new one, as if starting a paragraph but without the blank line in between.

*Bullet*[It's terrifying shape send Chance rolling to his side] [It's] should be [Its]. You do this another time in your story, in the last paragraph, as well.

*Bullet*[The echoes of thunderous lightning strikes reverberated through Chance's body and send him hugging the ground] "Send" should be "sent."


Wording:


*Reading*[A thunderous lightning strike severed the darkness and sent him stumbling to the ground.] I don't know why, but "thunderous lightning strike" just doesn't sound right somehow... I mean, after all, the actual lightning doesn't make a noise anyway, right? *Smile* But it may just be me and my picky wording.

*Reading*[Chance yelled out at the silhouette glaring at him.] Is Chance glaring at the silhouette or is it glaring at him? If it's Chance glaring at it, then you should put a comma after [silhouette].

*Reading*One thing in particular I noticed that could improve this already good story is your word quality. You tend to use plain words, and while they are descriptive, they fail to give the reader a picture in his head, to "show" us what's going on. For example, [His mind reeled in fright.] could be [He staggered to his knees, only to be thrown heavily to the ground again when another roar of thunder seemed to rip the sky to stormy shreds. Closing his eyes tightly, he shuddered, suddenly more terrified than he could remember ever being in his life.]

*Bullet*[desperate to escape his impending doom] I'm sorry, but I almost laughed at this part--it's so wonderfully cheesy! *Laugh* It doesn't really fit in with the atmosphere you're trying to nurse, though. You may want to use something a little less cliched. *Smile*


Overall:


*Star*Please forgive my rating, but I try to be as honest as possible with both my reviews and my ratings--since an author wouldn't be able to improve a work that needs it without some outside observations on what needs changing. It's not that I don't like your story or that I don't think it's good (because I think that with a little work put into it, it could be excellent!), it's just what I think of it as it is right now. Your two main weaknesses, I think, are your word quality and your plot development. You use words that seem blunt, boring, and overused, like "frightened" and "appeared." Try to stay away from common words and especially from linking verbs. The second area that could use some work is your plot: just who is Chance, who is the creature, and what quarrel do they have that the creature would try to kill Chance? How did they meet? Where are they--in the "real" world, in a fantasy land, or elsewhere entirely? Does Chance escape, or is it a cruel hoax to make him think he could get away? It's questions like this that came to me as I was reading, and these sorts of questions are good in some instances (to keep the reader guessing), but when there's so many of them, it only serves to confuse the reader. Other than those two areas, though, I enjoyed reading your story.

Keep up the great work!

Redbird/Naomi

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17
17
Review of Lies  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
         "Lies" is a unique poem about lies of different colors, and the varieties of lies. It's very original, with an excellent rhyme scheme and great imagery.


_/-~-/_



Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*[that often may,
hide within the light.]
There probably shouldn't be a comma after "may". You seem to do this several times throughout the poem; there's no need to put punctuation after every line. It's more like sentences, divided up. Of course, that's just my own opinion!*Smile*

*Bullet*[Then there’s those cloaked in silence] "There's" is a contraction for "There is." Is is singular, but those is plural. There's should be there are or there're.

*Bullet*[That all those pretty colors,
cover the ugly lies.
And hide the truth and all it bares,
from your very eyes.]
The "That" that you start the first line with doesn't really make sense, since there's nothing after it. For example: [All those pretty colors,
cover the ugly lies
And hide the truth and all it bares
From your very eyes] might be better.


Overall:


*Star*This poem really made an impression on me; the way you format the fonts helps a lot. The rhyme scheme was very unique. It makes for a great rhythm and meter. All together, this was a good poem!


Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi

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18
18
Rated: E | (2.5)
         "The Pointless Incident with the Kayaks" is a short story about a man named Alfred who climbs into a car to be greeted by a kayak inhabited by a model penguin. Very interesting.*Smile*


_/-~-/_



Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*The paragraphs and lines in this story seem formatted oddly; almost as if you started a new paragraph every line.*Frown* I also recommend that you use indents at the beginning of each paragraph.

*Bullet*[it's sports suspension] "It's" should be "its." You do this several times throughout the story.

*Bullet*[Alfred had removed the model Penguin] Why do you capitalize penguin?


Wording:


*Reading*[sitting low on it's sports suspension and looking mean] "Mean" looks rather awkward, put in such a formal-sounding sentence... I would use something like "gorgeous."*Smile*

*Reading*The part where we see the kayak in the car is a little confusing. How long has it been in the car? He acts at first (or the story is told at first) as if it's been there for a few days. But a little later, you say he's confused and wonders how it could have come to be sitting in his car, as if this is the first time he's seen it.


Overall:


*Star*I think that this story has a great potential to be an ironic, funny story--but right now, it's a little rough around the edges. It doesn't really make sense, is confusing, and pointless (as the title states, so I can't say I wasn't warned*Laugh*). Also: if the kayak ceased to exist, wouldn't Alfred be a little shocked? I mean, it's not like things just disappear into thin air whenever you grab them every day.*Smile* What does the penguin and the kayak have to do with anything? What put them there? Is Alfred simply hallucinating? As you can see, the story in general was a little confusing. However, as I said, I think that with a little polish it could turn out to be really funny. Please, please forgive me for the low rating, but I try to always be as honest as possible with my ratings.


Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi

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19
19
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Form:


*Bullet*[the blueness of the cloudless sky] The suffixes of -ness seem a bit awkward so close together.


Wording:


*Bullet*[Rusty, his Corgi] This line is a bit jolting from the rhythm of the poem for two reasons; first, we have already been introduced to the poet who is seeing these things and have mostly forgot about him because we are "seeing" the scenery you're describing, and at first I wasn't sure who "he" was; secondly, I had to think a moment about what a "Corgi" was, since before this you described things in mostly abstract terms.


Overall:


*Star*This is a good poem, well written, speaking what you think of life in parables. However, if anything, it might be just a little predictable and typical; it's been written so many times, in so many different ways, that it really doesn't have all that much impact on the reader any more. I hope you'll forgive my honesty; I enjoyed this poem, I'm just telling you everything I think of it.*Smile*


Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi

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20
20
Review of The Epiphany  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
         "The Epiphany" is a free-verse poem about a drunken, wayward man who awakes after passing out on the beach to see the dawn. He calls to God that he is a changed man, and recieves a rather interesting surprise.


_/-~-\_



General Suggestions:


*Bullet*[In truth his night was spent in heavy drinking and
in whoring, ending at the beach passed out in the sand.] This sentence sounds awkward--though it may just be me, of course.*Smile* I would rephrase the last part as [and in whoring, and ended with him at the beach passed out in the sand.]


Overall:


*Star*Wow! The ending was certainly a surprise, and made me laugh. This is a perfect example of cruel irony; I thought it would end with the man running home to his wife, changed; or perhaps with him trying hard to change but eventually unable to--but you ended it in such a creative and original manner!*Laugh* I didn't find any errors at all, and had only a single suggestion. Very well written!


Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi

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21
21
Review of WAR  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*Wow; excellent job! I didn't find a single error or even a questionable phrase, sentence, or line. Very refreshing!*Smile*


Overall:


*Star*I enjoyed this all too true poem on war; your three different viewpoints of government, soldiers, and mothers clashed and yet worked together to give the reader a sort of omniscient look at war. Your rhymes were a bit awkward, to my point of view; I couldn't seem to keep a rhythm, and had to look for where the lines were supposed to rhyme. However, I can see how much effort you took to get all the lines together, rhyming as they were supposed to, keep the meter going, and also have the poem say something meaningful. Well done!

Redbird/Naomi

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22
22
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
         "Moonlight Confessions" is a tale of dreams come true by way of a moon-Goddess made flesh. A simple, scholarly elf is granted a most exhilirating experience. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read this; I truly enjoyed it!


_/~-~\_



Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*I would recommend that you indent your paragraphs; it makes text look neater and easier to read. The code for indenting is: {indent}

*Bullet*[I experienced them first hand not more than a tenday ago] "First hand" could be "firsthand", which is the more commonly accepted form of the word.

*Bullet*[I shall not bore you with the details of such philosophy but I will merely stated that it is very important] "Stated" is past tense and the rest of this sentence is present tense.

*Bullet*[my otherwise flawless record!] The sentence before this one also had an exclamation point, and they can get arduous if they aren't placed well; they'd lose their impact.

*Bullet*[I hastily dressed in rumbled robes and paused for only a moment] "Rumbled" should be "rumpled".

*Bullet*[do whatever it is you need to do.” She said] Since this is a dialogue tag, the period should be a comma and "she" shouldn't be capitalized.

*Bullet*[could only hope my mind did not wander to far] "To" should be "too".

*Bullet*[I do not question it though for it was an experience I shall always treasure and value.] There should be a comma after the first "it" and a comma after "though".


Wording:


*Reading*[I enjoy using the small sitting area that is set-aside in the west wing of the expansive library. It sits nestled in a corner of the west wing] Here, you tell us twice within a very short space the fact that it is located in the west wing.

*Reading*[I placed the ancient scrolls carefully down on the edge of my favorite couch and settled in for a longer read.] A longer read than what?*Smile* Perhaps just saying a "long read" might be better.

*Reading*[skin was adorned with silver moonstone jewelry and a mithril symbol of Selune rested] This part makes it sound at first as if her skin is adorned with jewelry and a mithril symbol of Selune; however, in reading further, the reader learns that her skin is adorned with jewelry, and the symbol is apparently on a necklace. You may want to clarify this sentence.


Storyline and Plot:


*Idea*After the encounter with Odette, Aramil starts thinking about sinking "deeper into that dream within a deram". Is he dreaming? Somehow, I thought that this actually happened, since you never implied that he had fallen asleep--he was just absorbed in his studies.


Overall:


*Star*A well-written and interesting story, and one I enjoyed. However, at the end I found myself asking: what is the point of this story? To tell others that dreams can come true? But this particular sort of story has been told in so many different way so many times that it's almost become mundane. However, aside of this, I did like this story (though the elf seemed fashioned from a different sort than those of Lord of the Rings*Laugh*) and thought it was clearly a notch above average.

Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi

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23
23
Review of The Battle Within  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Grammar, Spelling, and Form:


*Bullet*[The heat of the day faded leaving the chill of night] There should be a comma after "faded".

*Bullet*I would recommend that you put an extra line between each paragraph and indent the first line of each paragraph.

*Bullet*[An aspect that she once held in the palm of her hand, now it lay as wasted as her pitiful emotional life before her.] The comma should probably be a semicolon or a dash; or, for a different effect, a series of three periods.

*Bullet*[She dripped with sweat wishing this first memory had been only a nightmare.] There should be a comma after "sweat".

*Bullet*[to explain things as they went, The guard tried to tell her] The comma should be a period.


Wording:


*Reading*[It was terrifying enough to cut the courage of a man to the core leaving him defenseless against what is to come.] This sentence seems a bit melodramatic, especially since (from the previous sentence) you're talking about nothing more terrible than a "sickening dampness". I would recommend rephrasing this: [The sun's nightly set brought a slow, seeping fear that it instilled deeply in every man, woman, and child.]

*Reading*[The cold stonewalls seem such a contrast to the metal platted floor, a union of two eras, and yet the both seemed to agree to tell the haunting story about deep depression. A bitter, malicious harmony rang forth from the battlements of the castle perfectly in tune with in its parts. The dreadful melody that resounded from the inside the walls came from the woman’s own tormented soul.] Wow! Excellent imagery here--this passage really struck me. If you could instill imagery like this is more of the story, it would improve it much!

*Reading*[A single thought floated past her mind before sleep and memories overcame her.] When I read the two italisized paragraphs that follow this sentence, it was a little confusing; I thought they were her thoughts, although they were in fact an introduction to the story that was to come. Perhaps it would be a good idea to separate this part from the rest of the story by a line divider?


Plot, Storyline, and Characters:


*Idea*Who's Striker? Does he have some connection with the woman in her past? You should probably note these things, perhaps include a mention of him earlier.

*Idea*At the point where Kyra starts throwing things around, it seems rather sudden and I can't really get a "visual" of it. Maybe you could include some more details/imagery to describe it?


Overall:


*Star*Some parts of this prologue were faintly confusing, but for the better part it was very intriguing and made me want to read the rest of the story. It feels almost as if it was written once and then heavily edited. Your imagery and your characters are your strong points; very well done!

Keep up the great work!

Redbird/Naomi

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24
24
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Grammar, Spelling, and Wording:


*Bullet*[This is the first real poem I've written.Please take time to read it.] This, your description, should have a space after the period.

*Bullet*I would recommend that you put some punctuation in this poem; this isn't the sort of poem that would be fitting to say in one "breath." A few commas, dashes, and periods can go a long way! *Smile*

*Bullet*[in which one to confide
this is the decision I dread] This stanza would probably flow better as:
[in which one to confide--
this is the decision I dread]

*Bullet*[the others for you] "Others" should be "other's," since it's a contraction of "other" and "is."


Wording, Meter, and Flow:


*Reading*[You've been there for me
in times of need
but he's what I see
when I begin to bleed]
The rhyming words of "need" and "bleed" seem forced, as if they were put in only because they rhymed. *Worry*

*Reading*[through with the tears] In keeping with the former line, "the" might be better as "these."


Overall:


*Star*This was also an enjoyable poem. It might be just a bit too long and slightly "angst-y," but it was pretty good and I liked it. There were just a few grammar mistakes (which I noted above). Other than these things, this poem was pretty good and I thought you did a good job on it.

Keep up the good work!

Redbird/Naomi
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25
25
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Grammar, Spelling, and Wording:


*Bullet*[cannot speak ; cannot see] This should be [cannot speak; cannot see]

*Bullet*[No where to go] "No where" should be "Nowhere.

*Bullet*Most of the time I would recommend that you have some form of punctuation somewhere in your poem, but in this poem it's much bette off without any puntuation. It creates a "breathless" and rushed sort of feeling.


Wording, Flow, and Meter:


*Reading*[Collapse to the floor
trying to reach the door] Hm... just a thought, but "try" might work better than "trying." It seems to flow better, and it's also present tense like the rest of the poem rather than progressive.

*Reading*[Inside I'm dying
outside I'm crying] Wow, I really like this stanza! It creates a sense of panic, quickening the pace, of becoming more tense; as if something is going to happen very soon. Longer rhymes (rhyming more than just the last syllable of the word--"dying" and "crying" rather than "be" and "see" sort of rhyme) and having short, choppy lines rather than long, complex ones create that sort of mood.

*Reading*[Know I won't survive
not much longer will I be alive] Perhaps having an "I" in front of "Know" might be better?


Overall:


*Star*I like this poem a lot; it has a dark sense to it, and ends in a way appropriate to the more gothic poems. The only criticism I can offer is that it's too short! *Laugh* Anyway, I think that you wrote this very well and included just the right amount of imagery. Your stanzas and most of your rhymes are very well done, too.

Keep up the great work!

Redbird/Naomi
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