The Specifics
The twin suns of planet Aura beat down over the wild lands. With sharp towers and sheer walls, the city of Arc lay in a long forgotten land.
Might want to change one of the "land"s here.
A massive dome of blue magical energy shielded the entire city.
I'm not sure it's really necessary to have the magical in there.
In the very center of Arc was a hollowed peak where a horde now gathered around a colossal ring. The crowd filled the air with a clamor of applause.
I think it might be better to switch your use of horde and crowd here. Horde gives an odd impression which it wouldn't if it came after crowd.
Now, I want to also address the paragraph as a whole. Something about it feels off--its very abrupt and disjointed. At least that's the best way I can think of to explain it. I think this paragraph might benefit quite a bit from being re-written with a few of the sentences combined, rather than all of them being separate.
For example, the 2nd and third sentences have the same subject--the shield--and so could pretty easily be combined into one. Same with the 4th and 5th sentences as well.
The announcer stood. His stone booth was raised above the great expanse of the arena floor. He wore dark robes that hung loose beneath his arms as he raised them, and the intricate stitching of bright gold glinted in the sunlight.
Same issue with the last paragraph, in that either the 1st and 2nd, or the 2nd and 3rd sentences need to be combined.
Also, the way you described the arena as being in a hollowed peak, it made it sound as if it was inside of a cave. If so, then where is the sunlight coming from? And if not, you may want to change how you describe the location of the arena in the previous paragraph.
The masters on either side of him watched carefully. A few carried an envious look in that the arcane master of wind magics need never ask for quiet to be heard.
Again, a semi-colon in place of the period would do a lot. Also, envious looks might work a bit better than the singular form you've got there currently. However, with the second sentence, I'm not sure I really understand. Why are the masters looking envious of the announcer? He apparently does need to ask for quiet to be heard. Your wording suggests that they are envious of someone who doesn't.
The announcer's eyes closed in concentration while the cheering subsided. With arms still raised outward, he began to speak. His voice trailed from his lips softly, and as he finished speaking his right arm shot out in front of him with fingers outstretched to catch the words. His eyes opened and began a drastic change from golden brown to an icy blue while he focused; the air around him began to swirl and his words poured over the crowd amplified a hundred fold.
Ok. Well. Nevermind, apparently. That is a little confusing though--you give the distinct impression that he is asking for silence by raising his arms, as that is sort of the universal gesture for it, and then you also do have the crowd quiet down... only to have it not matter? Just a bit confusing.
Also, again, you could due with combining some of those sentences to improve the flow a bit.
“For our next match, the Arcane University is proud to present our reigning champion Relik Drax, Preceptor of the crystal magics.”
Comma between champion and Relik.
“His contender this day will be the acclaimed newcomer, Melios Fenred - a Preceptor of the light magics!”
The dash should be an em-dash rather than an en-dash. So:
...Melios Fenred--a Preceptor...
The crowd that filled the seats numbered in the thousands, a great outpouring of arcane wishing to see the unpredictable chaos that was arena warfare.
Are you using arcane here as meaning the people? It is a little confusing, as it almost seems like you're saying there was an outpouring of magical wishes that were in regards to seeing the show.
This place was made for all arcane, and there was no charge to attend. Maintained by the Arcane University, the arena was the one place in Arc where class truly had no bearing. Nobles and commoners could eat and drink side-by-side, to cheer as one to whatever end.
Ah, alright, so apparently you are. That's a kind of a dangerous word to use to describe a group of people, especially when you're throwing it around in its real context at the same time when referring to the arcane masters.
Also, this paragraph contradicts your previous one--this one says that class holds no power in the arena and all people are equal, yet just prior to it you specifically stated that the arcane masters had their own box that kept them comfortable in contrast to the rest of the arena, suggesting that everyone else wasn't particularly comfortable.
That seems like a separate of at least one of the classes of people.
The other arcane masters stood and joined the announcer at the edge of the booth. They bowed to symbolize their blessing and contentment in the commencement of the fight.
I have no idea if I'm going to keep pointing these instances out, but for now I am. :P These two sentences definitely need to be linked via semi-colon. Any time you have two sentences that share the exact same subjects and are essentially extensions of each other, you should probably connect them.
This sentence (or two, in the current state) should also probably be a part of the paragraph dealing with said masters, since the rest of this paragraph is dealing with the Challenge, or make it a paragraph of its own.
Challenging the arena champion had only one outcome; in a matter of moments one of these men was about to die in the presence of thunderous applause.
Ha. It feels funny saying this, but in this instance you don't want a semi-colon. An em-dash would probably be better, as it gives a little more solid connection and also packs a bit more grammatical punch, as it were.
The victor would be acclaimed and written of in history books; his name would be etched into the record of champions.
Again, no semi-colon. This time just a comma will do.
The contenders stood and faced each other in the center of the arena floor. The hard packed dirt underfoot was worn smooth. Between the fighters and the walls where the crowd watched from above was an array of ruins. The towers and stone obstacles were scarred both with time and the scorching of flame.
This paragraph desperately needs some linking together/restructuring of sentences. Right now it is really abrupt and kind of jarring to read.
My Thoughts
Sorry for stopping the specifics so abruptly there, but really, I would have spent the entire rest of the story pointing out the same thing over and over. Your sentences are all so isolated, and that leads to a very stretched out and disjointed read.
The more periods you have, the more pauses the reader takes, and so the longer it takes to read something, even if it is technically the exact same number of words. On top of this, it can really disrupt the flow of reading, especially in an action scene, or any scene that is meant to pull the reader along and instill tension.
One other thing that could probably do with improvement is the rather large info dump you have regarding Relik and Melios. Do we need to know all of that about Melios? It doesn't seem like it. And while the information about Relik has a better place, you could probably find a better way to relay it to the readers.
And lastly, the medic referring to Relik by just his first name seems awfully familiar for some random medic. I mean, if you were in his place, and, say, Joe Montana was in Relik's, you'd likely call him Mr. Montana, wouldn't you?
Not that your world uses "Mr." or whatever, but surely it must have some sort of show of respect to strangers and such?
Over all though, it seems interesting and I'll definitely check out the next chapter. |
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