Story
The story is all backwards. Flashbacks can be a useful tool, but you used one way too early. If you're flashing back in the first chapter, then you've started the story in the wrong place. Since I knew that she was already going to turn down Jonathan, I got bored and almost stopped reading. With the reader having that knowledge, there's no tension, no line being reeled in to keep the reader hooked. Rewrite it so the scene with her father is after she returns without Jonathan, and the reader will be wondering just how the father is going to react.
Dialogue
The Dialogue was okay. It didn't stand out in any way, but it wasn't bad either.
Technical
You need to go back and make sure that the forms of your words are what you mean for them to be.prepared for the worse knowing he Worse means something isn't as good as. In this instance you want worst.
Their hopes rested on marring me off early I don't know what marring means, but I believe you meant to put marrying.
We walked in silence, both lost in our own thought. Thought should be pluralized to thoughts.
You also have a problem with adverbs. While adverbs themselves are not bad, most times they can be replaced with a stronger word, or just removed entirely, like that. I have a problem with them too, and they're the first thing I look for when I edit any story I write. I leave them in Dialogue, but remove them everywhere else when I can. A good rule of thumb is one for every 300 words.
Here's a few points where you've placed them that could be improved
I had shouted heatedly when my father
I held back the angry tears that fought
Mother was smiling warmly, dimples sticking
The last one is a good example of a spot where you can use a stronger word to describe her smile. I would rewrite as "Mother's smile beamed,"
Most adverbs can be recognized by having -ly on the end of the word, and removing them helps to tighten up writing so it's more elegant.
Overall
Like I wrote before, I got bored from the lack of tension in the scene. If you rewrite it so that there's some surprise, it'll go a long way toward making this a good story. Drop me a line if you do, and I'll read and rerate it if you want.
Take from this review what you will, but keep on writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |