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1
1
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello,

I hope that you're doing fine. My name is Naveed and I shall be reviewing this wonderful item of yours. Please bear in mind that these comments—whether good or bad—are the most honest and sincere words that I could muster up after reading your piece. They are not meant to offend in anyway, and I'm sure that you won't find them to be so *Smile*

First Impression:

The title is fitting for a blog. It gives the reader the impression that the blog contains stuff that the writer wouldn't have cared to mentions anywhere else. It suggests that the reader will get a behind the scenes kind of a look into the writers mind and the reader is hooked. Who doesn't like getting a behind the scenes perspective?

What I Liked the Most:

Out of all the entries that I read, I liked "Contemptuous Behavior Provides Nothing of Value" the most. I really loved the casual style of the writer, which is fitting for a blog. I liked, also, the writers ideas, particularly about the responsibility in the hands of us writers. I agree 100% with the writer's idea.

What Can be Improved:

Nothing. The writer should update his blog more often for I'd love to read more *Smile* I know that we don't get the time, at times, but please keep your blog going. Update it more often *Smile*

What I'll Remember:

I will remember the picture that has been put up in the introduction of the blog. It is very interesting, to say the least, and gives the reader something to think about.

Peace,
Naveed!

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2
2
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A Review for "The Iron Bank of Braavos" Open in new Window.


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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

The story is about a beautiful planet that is soon to be destroyed by an asteroid.

What I Liked the Most:

I liked the wonderful descriptions that the writer has provided. I also loved the short, profound messages that the writer has tried to convey to the readers throughout the course of the story. They were, certainly, thought provoking!

What Can be Improved:

You have used a lot of passive verbs, was/were, in your story. The use of passive verbs makes the sentences weak for then the sentences merely tell instead of showing. Here’s an instance:

“...dark clouds were gathering in the sky over the sea and...”

It would read much better, in my opinion, if it is changed to: ...dark clouds gathered in the sky over the sea and...

Another instance:

“I was sitting on a rock, hiding...”

I would recommend changing it to: I sat on a rock, hiding...

“I had been observing them for more than fifty years and I knew every little movement they took...”

Movements are “made” instead of “taken”. I would recommend replacing “took” with “made”.

The piece would benefit, I feel, from a better use of punctuation. Here’s an instance:

I loved those creatures, it was my only passion spending every second of my free time there, registering...

The punctuation in this sentence is weak, I feel. Here’s the same sentence, edited to the best of my knowledge:

I loved those creatures. It was my only passion: spending every second of my free time there, registering...


What I'll Remember:

“Our planet could have looked similar once but we destroyed almost all the beauties of it in the last few thousand years.”
True that!

Peace!

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3
3
Review of Midsummer Night  Open in new Window.
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

This story is about a surreal experience of a group of friends.

What I Liked the Most:

I loved the idea, honestly. The thought that such magical and surreal things can happen in this dull world makes me swoon.

What Can be Improved:

It might be just me, but I feel that your sentence structuring could use some work. The idea is good but the implementation, the sentences could have been more powerful. For example:

”the night when people used to kindle a fire and dance around it...”

Changing the sentence to something like, the night when the people kindled a fire and danced around it..., would sound much better in my opinion.

Also, you have used the passive verbs, was/were, in your sentences, excessively. They cause the sentences to be weak for they tell instead of showing. For instance:

“the night when ghosts and other beings of the spiritual world were at large...”

I would suggest the following change: the night when ghosts and other beings of the spiritual world loomed large.

“We ate delicious fish, tasted the finest wines and our spirit flew higher and higher...”

The plural subject, we, requires a plural verb, “spirits”.

“...how it would have been dancing around a St. John’s fire instead of sitting here in the cold rain.”

The sentence would be better, in my opinion, if it’s changed to: ...what would it have been like to dance around...?


What I'll Remember:

“Around us raved the storm of the century joining together earth and sky, heaven and hell in a gray living mass of millions of water particles throbbing in the overloaded air.”

I loved the imagery created in by these lines.

Peace!

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4
4
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

This story is about a man who is stuck in another dimension. The reader is introduced to voices of the creatures of the “other” dimension who are spectating this man who is struggling to, literally, find his feet in the new world. The voices comment on the visitor’s movements. Their comments are fascinating , to say the least.

What I Liked the Most:

I liked the comments of the voices, especially the part in the end. It made the reader think, for it ican be related to real life situations.

What Can be Improved:

“He was rubbing his eyes and twisting his body wildly, which had two effects: One, he was moving through another dimension with some success; Two, he was doing so blindly.”

This sentence has three separate parts and all of them has “was” in them. “Was” is a passive verb which makes the sentences weak for it tells instead of showing the reader. Changing the first part to something like, “He rubbed his eyes and twisted his body wildly...” will make it sound a lot better.


What I'll Remember:

“We can take him back to the flatlands and miss out on an opportunity or…
Or… we could help him adjust?”

This line was so thought provoking. Every time we see someone struggling with something, won’t it be better to help them instead of leaving them be?


Peace!

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5
5
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

This is a poem about the ending of relationships. The title is pretty straightforward, which should be the case for a serious piece such as this.

My initial reaction was: It's not rhymed at all. It was after getting to the second or third stanza that I caught on to the creative rhyme scheme. It was wonderful!

What I Liked the Most:

I loved the emotional hope that this piece gives to the reader. It's not just in the matters of relationships or love that this piece can be seen in the perspective of. Rather, its words can be seen as a ray of hope in, almost, all aspects of life! The words chosen, especially, are wonderful. They hit the nail on the head.

What Can be Improved:

I have no suggestions to give regarding this poem. I have found it perfect as it is!

What I'll Remember:

"True love is treasure with a cryptic key;
with luck, you'll find the perfect match for you.
You drown in sorrow deeper than the sea;
come dawn, new ships will moor along the quay."

Oh God! What a perfect ending it was. A wonderful poem wrapped up with a moral in the end. Like a candy filled with jelly inside. It does not get any better than this!

Peace!

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6
6
Review of Apocalypse  Open in new Window.
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

The poem's title "Apocalypse" is rather interesting. It can be interpreted in an infinite number of ways, which is a good thing for a title. It does not give much away, yet points in the right direction. It was perfect, to put it simply!

What I Liked the Most:

This might sound strange, but I loved the simplicity of the poem. Simplicity is what I struggle the most with when I am writing a poem. I, like most learning poets, make things to complicated, always! This poem is a wonderful example of how simplicity can make a poem shine like no other aspect can!

The poem was, literally, a lesson in what good poetry should look like for someone like me. I loved everything about it, to be honest!

What Can be Improved:

I found this poem to be perfect in every way possible. I, a lowly poet, have no improvements to suggest, naturally.

What I'll Remember:

The entire poem should be made a nursery rhyme to be learned by children so that they may remember the important lesson that it teaches and not destroy Mother Earth like we continue to do. However, there few lines have captured the crux of the poem:

"Rainforests gasp their dying breath,
as exploitation is a drug.
Through Nature's death,
our graves we've dug."

Peace!

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7
7
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

The title of the piece is interesting. It had me, a person who is interested in history, hooked instantly!
The piece is about Thomas Jefferson and his six children that he had with a young, black woman, probably a slave. The woman is pleading Thomas to free her children from slavery and give them a mention in his will. Thomas is hesitant, which is understandable considering the times.

What I Liked the Most:

I loved how Thomas took on the responsibility for his "actions" in the end and lived up to his word. That is mark of a great man. He understood, in the end, that his children are his true legacy!

I have a question, though: Did something like this actually happen? Is the idea of it true?

What Can be Improved:

I found nothing to distract me from the course of this wonderful historical piece.

What I'll Remember:

"He averted his eyes. She'd been sixteen, he forty-six, yet she'd let him have his way after a whispered promise. As if she'd really had a choice."

Cracked me up for some strange reason, especially the last part.

And

"His shoulders slumped, and he nodded. 'You're right. My children are my true legacy. I'll change my will.'"

What a wonderful realization it was! Heart warming, really.

Peace!

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8
8
Review of A Good Heart  Open in new Window.
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

The story is about an archaeologist who falls in " love" with a younger woman. The nature of his love is...well...not lovely at all.

What I Liked the Most:

I loved the transition! I was feeling sorry for the guy to begin with but the turn of events was very sudden and interesting. From empathy, my feelings changed to elation as I felt that the poor man might, finally, find some happiness. And then, my emotions changed to awe and hatred. This piece is wonderful as it has the reader fully involved emotionally. The reader is always feeling...something.

The imagery created was wonderful as well. A true master class!

What Can be Improved:

I found nothing to distract me from the awesomeness of your piece. It was wonderful, truly!

What I'll Remember:

"He clenched his fists. Why did she have to look so vulnerable, so tempting, when it was impossible for him to sample her wares? She might as well wave a bottle of Cognac in front of a recovering alcoholic. But he must get a grip. She clearly needed help, and the last thing he wanted was for her to tweet about how he'd left her freezing in the rain. That would be almost as bad as being caught with one's pants down at an inconvenient time."

This part was the most wonderful of all. I loved reading it!

Peace!

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9
9
Review of Thinking of You  Open in new Window.
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

This is a song written for the brother and sister-in-law of the poet. The title is interesting and hooks the potential reader into reading the piece.

What I Liked the Most:

All writing is good if it carries emotions. But if the writing carries emotions that are personal, in nature, then the effect of the poem increases a manifold. This is the case with this piece, as well!

What Can be Improved:

This is a personal piece and so, nothing much can be changed about it.
However, talking from a strict poetic sense, the poem has a few flaws. It doesn't flow as a song, or lyrical piece, is supposed to flow. It's quite rough on the tongue. A little effort in polishing the piece up will make it a true masterpiece.

What I'll Remember:

"And you know I'm thinking of you
As the battle rages on
The same stars are out there
Wherever you are
And you know I'll dream here for you
Until you're back home
It can't be for that long
Until it feels like yesterday"

I like the idea that this stanza stands for. "This too shall pass!" is what the renowned quotation says and rightly so! Everything changes and becomes better with time and it's not just related to the theme of your poem. Time really does change everything.

Peace!

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10
10
Review of The Army Mother  Open in new Window.
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

This is a poem narrated by a mother to her son, who is a soldier.

What I Liked the Most:

The emotional language was wonderful to read. If a mother, whose son was in the army, was to read this, she'd cry. I'm sure of it. That's how powerful this piece is!

What Can be Improved:

The poem didn't flow well at times. For example:
"I held the time close, ingrained it must be."
It might be just me, but I feel that this line, like a few else, could use some polishing.

A few grammatical oversights:

"An year's a long time for a mother, you see."

"But this isn't easy, a mother will know."

"I've committed myself to forego what is mine."

What I'll Remember:

"Forgive us the times that we do fall from graces
From stronger one's ranks as tears coat our faces.
It's a mother's place, son, her God given right
To sometimes be angry and put up a fight
And guard what we often perceive to be ours
Erecting what may be elaborate bars
To keep you besides us and just hold you near
Protect you and love you to calm every fear."

I loved the message contained in this stanza. This just goes to show that mothers, no matter how awesome or generous they may be, are still humans. And you know the thing about humans, right? They tend to be selfish. So, a mother accepting to her flaws and then explaining her love in light of them is just...eye watering!

Peace!

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11
11
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

This is a very powerful poem showing the "other" side of wars. The title hooks the reader into reading the piece, while the piece itself is nothing short of pressing

What I Liked the Most:

I loved how the poet presented the truth that no one likes to think about. Too many a times, people are so busy praising their armies that they lose sight of what they're actually doing...killing people. Blind praise of such actions is...saddening.

What Can be Improved:

I spotted a little oversight:
"romance comes true."

The idea of the piece was very powerful, however the poem didn't flow as smoothly at times. A little shining up of the piece will make it a masterpiece!

What I'll Remember:

"At the age you decide to kill for your country,
an age most discourage being wed.
Even choosing a profession is not wise,
your brain is not quite the mature size."

I absolutely love this line. How ironic is it that at an age when you're considered not mature enough to marry, work or have a say in the matters of your country, for you're too immature to vote. Yet, you are considered mature enough to take a life in the name of your country. I love the idea that has been presented by the poet!

Thank you for writing this wonderful piece!

Peace!

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12
12
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

What I Liked the Most:

The turn of event. I loved how the story flowed and turned. The writer was able to effectively communicate a whole lot of stuff in 300 words. A bit of polish and this piece could be a masterpiece.

What Can be Improved:

"Tommy’s imagination in overdrive, he stared at the picture of an alien with its arms wrapped around his father."
The sentence doesn't quite sound right. I'd suggest editing it to something like: Tommy’s imagination was in overdrive, as he stared at the picture of an alien with its arms wrapped around his father.

"He examined it in detail as his smiling father looked up into its face."
A better use of vocabulary would have benefited the piece. For example, using "stared at its face" instead of "looked up into its face" would have sounded better, I feel.

"Tommy’s eyes once again saucerlike, he stumbled back in total surprise."
Again, the sentence structure's the problem here.

“Well, son. It’s time you knew. This was your real mother.”
This line could've made use of some description and imagery, I feel. It came too suddenly, I feel.


What I'll Remember:

“Why’s that Halloween picture down here?”

“Oh… just having a little fun.”

Cracked me up!

Peace!

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13
13
Review of Literacy  Open in new Window.
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

The title is teasing—perfect for a writing website. Literacy is a word that will draw almost all writers towards itself, lol. It's a great hook.

The poem is about the work of a writer, if I'm not mistaken. It captures the idea well!

What I Liked the Most:

I loved the descriptions that the poem gave. It touched the creation of heroes and villains, all the same, and actually showed that the work we do is tough—too tough at times, especially in August *Rolling*

Don't you dare say that you're not good at poetry ever again!

What Can be Improved:

"of endless words never end."
This line sounds a bit...odd. I guess that it's because of the "never end" at the end that's causing this. Try replacing it with "unending" or something else along those lines, may be? Or you may leave it as it is. It might just be me, you know *Pthb*

What I'll Remember:

Therein lies a stream,
of endless words never end.
Therein lies my future dim
unless I use my precious pen."

The second line might sound like a bug to me, but there's no denying the fact that this stanza is the most wonderful part of this poem. The last two lines are just...just...surreal, honestly! What are we without our pens (and keyboards) anyways? We've got nothing to show for ourselves without them. It's just...depressing, you know!

Peace!

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14
14
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

And I thought that you weren't good at poetry. Don't you dare say something like that again, ever!

This piece brings into light the biggest problem of Mother Earth that we humans are guilty of creating—climate change. The poem has, literally, covered every aspect of the problem possible in a wonderful manner.

What I Liked the Most:

I liked the truthfulness of the poem. Too many a times we see that poets meander into stuff that is abstract, even when the situation, or the subject matter, doesn't call for it. This is not the case with this gem, however.

The rhythm created by the piece was good too. The words flowed smoothly!

What Can be Improved:

I have no suggestions that will serve to increase the magic of this wonderful piece. Wonderful job, Elycia!

What I'll Remember:

"The child in the forest
hides beneath the breeze.
The fresh air has gradually perished
with the undoing of our own."

So truthful—every word of it. We, humans, have destroyed this planet. Earth's atmosphere has been ruined for our children and why? For some green paper? Future generations are gonna curse us one day. We will be vilified for what we're doing today!

I learned something today, by the way: Elycia is very, very, VERY humble when it comes to talking about her talent of poetry *Bigsmile*

Peace!

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15
15
Review of The Painting  Open in new Window.
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

This is the story of a girl who is wooed by a painting, on her visit to Paris, and is thrown back into a flashback of a past life, it seems.

Art can have such an effect on people. People are moved by music, writing, poetry scenery, paintings, beauty and such little things, but if you actually come to think about it, it's not logical at all.

What I Liked the Most:

The other side of the war that you've presented. Reading about it was thought provoking, to say the least.

What Can be Improved:

I have a couple of suggestions to give regarding the structures of a couple of sentences. I might be mistaken, though.

"I knew I needed protection from more than the sun, but it was no use."
This sentence just struck me as...odd. It might be a flaw in the sentence structure, or it might be my mere ignorance—I can't decide. If it's the latter, I apologize for bringing this up.

"That painting that calls to me even today, more than a century later, as surely as if the loss of my love happened yesterday and all I need do is ask and he will stay."
The sentence would sound better without it, don't you think?

What I'll Remember:

"Throughout that life, I was haunted by regret for the loss and regret that I did not swallow my pride and beg him not to go."

Ego is the one of the biggest flaws in humans, I feel.

Peace!

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16
16
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

This is a story of Hooves, the bull, who is trapped in the library, for the library, for he was very involved in his writing and didn't realize that the library was closing for the night. Surprisingly, his human had left without the BULL that had accompanied her to the library (Like how? *Rolling*). Hooves comes to terms with his conditions when his tummy started rumbling (don't we all? *Laugh*).

The story is a display of the writer's creativity and writing prowess. The humor was not forced in any way, and it grew a gentle smile on my face as I read on.

What I Liked the Most:

The humor, obviously. The story did not get dry or sluggish at any point and flowed very smoothly. Writers, at times, try too hard to incorporate humor into their writing, which ends up making their pieces dense. But that's not the case with Hooves, it seems. Hooves is to experienced for that, no? *Laugh*

What Can be Improved:

I found nothing to distract me from the awesomeness of the story. It is perfect as it is!

What I'll Remember:

"Embarassed at the loud noise coming from my innards, I looked around, only to discover, that I was alone."

We seem to remember certain special people only when it's time to eat, lol *Rolling*

Thanks for writing this wonderful story!

Peace!

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17
17
Review of Fevered In Divine  Open in new Window.
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

The title "Burn" when combined with the description leads to interesting interpretations. Love can burn, alright, but how does it affect the lover? Is the lover burned or merely guided by the light? The surreal ideas hook the reader and he is hooked into reading further. Good job!

The poem seems to be about a dying man who is finding solace in love at his dying hour. The poem reminded me of Alan Edgar Poe's "For Annie". The ideas of the two poems are pretty similar and the difference in quality is not much either. Wonderful!

What I Liked the Most:

Everything, to be honest! Can't pinpoint to anything specific.

What Can be Improved:

I found nothing to distract me from this wonderful poem.

What I'll Remember:

"Only by thy love's desire
can quench death's cold disdain
for fevered in divine the fire
will burn so bright a flame"

The imagery created with this one was surreal!

Thank you for writing this!

Peace!

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18
18
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

It is a poem about someone who knows how to love but doesn't know how to express that love.

In my, humble opinion, the narrator is lazy. The narrator might not be Shakespeare, agreed, but he could've quoted something from Shakespeare, couldn't he? Saying "I love you" out of nowhere seems kinda, odd!

What I Liked the Most:

I loved the mention of Shakespeare and Socrates. Such names hook me to the writing even more!

What Can be Improved:

The noticed a grammatical error, which I've highlighted for your convenience:

"..who doesn't know how to love."

Another one. Here it is:

"I learned to love but never learnt how to express"

One thing you learn as you gain experience in writing is to use strong words to make your writing sound stronger and forceful. Lines like I'm sorry for that and I'm very sorry for loving a person have so much potential for leaving the reader in awe, but they just haven't been written well enough. For instance, try replacing very sorry with something ashamed and you will see the difference it makes for yourself.

What I'll Remember:

"to say it poetically I'm not Shakespeare,
to say it philosophically I'm not Socrates"

Peace!

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19
19
Review of Open Book  Open in new Window.
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

The title of the poem is, rather, interesting. By "Open Book", I'm sure that the poet is pointing towards facebook and it makes the lives of people, literally, open book. But when I think about it, I feel that this title could be pointing towards so much more! It even be pointing towards the poet still finding the mind of his former beloved an open book. The title, is beautiful, to say the least!

What I Liked the Most:

I loved the creativity of the poem. It's a love poem, and you know the thing about this genre right? It's VERY cliched. But this poem certainly is not. This is the first time, as far as I can remember, that I have read a piece about finding you ex on facebook. The idea is unique to the genre!

I loved how the piece transitioned. It moved from the feelings of pain to happiness in such small number of words. It's wonderful, really!

What Can be Improved:

It doesn't quite hit the reader like poetry, to be honest. I'd suggest changing the genre of the piece to prose, but then again, it might just be me.

What I'll Remember:

"An unexpected happiness overtakes me, as I read of her life without me."

Reading about the life of you beloved without you with happiness is a...well...inspiring concept to say the least!

Peace!

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20
20
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

This is a wonderful, rhymed, poem about skiing.

What I Liked the Most:

I loved the imagery that the piece managed to create. Being a guy who has never seen snow fall or snow capped mountains before, I could feel the scenery exactly. This, I feel, is what differentiates this piece from the rest in a similar genre.

The flow was good as well. I could read it aloud with twisting my tongue...except for the last line.

All in all, this poem was wonderful and no less than a lesson for a newbie poet, such as myself!

What Can be Improved:

I'm not good enough to comment much, to be honest, but I feel that the last line can be looked at, if you wish. "Beyond" and "Diamond" are rhyme no doubt, but they just don't sound good together, I feel. A better rhyme would make this piece even better—for me, at least.

What I'll Remember:

"But what started as easy soon becomes tough
Speeding up and heading toward a steep bluff"

These lines reminded me a bit of life, you know. It starts off easy, as well, but soon picks up pace until you're left tugging and struggling, mostly in your adulthood. These two lines can have infinite interpretations. I love it!

Peace!


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21
21
Review of The Sun Also Sets  Open in new Window.
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

This is a story of Hooves, a bull, who goes back in time to meet Ernest Hemingway and inspire one of his works, The Sun Also Rises. I haven't read much of Ernest Hemingway, to be honest, being born and raised in Pakistan, but I'm seriously considering reading this book of his after reading this short story.

What I Liked the Most:

The imagery that the writer created was spectacular. The scene of Hooves meeting Ernest Hemingway was funny, to say the least. I also liked how the writer seems to be stressing the importance and significance of the things that inspire a writer's work. A writer would be NOTHING without the things that inspire his work, I feel. If we peer into the stuff that inspire our own writings—let alone others'—I think we will come to the realization that these "things" of inspiration have stories of their own that us, writers, only serve to describe.

What Can be Improved:

I found this piece to be perfectly written!

What I'll Remember:

"I turned around so that she was staring at my hindquarters. I knew that Mr. Hemingway had also written the prophetic novel, 'Death in the Afternoon.'"

Cracked me up *Laugh*

Peace!


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22
22
Review of Playing Tag  Open in new Window.
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

It's about a game of tag.

What I Liked the Most:

The way the writer hyped it up was wonderful!

What Can be Improved:

It did not sound like a poem, honestly. You could change the genre to prose and it would be alright. But poetry? No, I don't think so, in my humble opinion.

The last line was a complete turn-off honestly. The piece played, fairly well, until that line. It feels so tight on the tongue and does not feel like poetry, at all, sadly. I'd consider revising that last last line, if it was my piece.

Also, I spotted a slight grammatical error:

"Then he smiled mockingly and said 'you're it'"

Your poem build up hype, but the problem is that the title has already given it all away. No matter how much the words may exaggerate, the reader already know that they are playing tag. Consider revising it to something more...open.

What I'll Remember:

The way you built and hyped it all up was fun to read. Words have tremendous power. If a couple of words can be used to hype up something as trivial as "playing tag" then one can only surmise on what one can achieve if he uses their power in the way it's to be used!

Peace!


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23
23
Review of Running  Open in new Window.
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

It's a story about a woman, aged twenty eight, named Amanda. It's a story of one of her daily runs, with the feelings of suspense, thrill and mystery encapsulated perfectly! The turn of events, towards the end in specific, had me completely hooked in anticipation of what was to come.

What I Liked the Most:

There was so much to like about this story, honestly! I absolutely loved the imagery that the writer created in the beginning, while describing the wilderness and Amanda. The setting felt so calm and serene!

I absolutely loved the mystery of it all towards the end. Who was the guy, why did he try to kill, who was Lisa, what was their relationship; I wish to learn the answers to all of these questions now and guess what? The writer has provided them in a separate piece!

What Can be Improved:

I spotted a spelling typo:

"She thought she had seen something move in the bush up the path but only for a moment.

What I'll Remember:

"She made her way down the route suddenly breaking through the fog and then disappearing again like a ghost. This was just the way she liked it."

The imagery that these words managed to create was vivid!

Peace!


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24
24
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

It's a fanfiction write up about Yu-Gi-Oh, a popular anime. It's the third chapter in a series of four


What I Liked the Most:

The thing I like the most about ALL fanfiction pieces is the thought that their writer must be so passionate about writing them.


What Can be Improved:

I don't know why, but you do not use quotation marks, at all. Why is that, I wonder? Whenever you write a dialogue, its supposed to be within quotation marks, so that the readers know that they are reading dialogues and treat them just the same. Since you've written all of your chapters in present tense, readers are unable to differentiate using the difference too. But whatever the case might be, there can be no possible excuse for no using quotation marks!

Also, when you're reading dialogues, you expect them to sound like the way people talk in their daily lives. Your dialogues are...well...dry.

I hope that you don't mind. I mean only to help, honestly!

What I'll Remember:

The passion that you have for the show is surreal. Being a fanatic of DragonBall, I can understand the passion you must put into your writing! Animes and mangas are wonderful, no? *Bigsmile*

Peace!


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25
25
Review by Naveed Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi,

I'm Naveed, a proud Florent, and I shall be reviewing this wonderful piece of yours!

First Impression:

It's a fanfiction write up about Yu-Gi-Oh, a popular anime. The piece begins from where chapter one concluded, as the protagonist wakes up, after being battered and bruised in the battle.

What I Liked the Most:

The thing I like the most about ALL fanfiction pieces is the thought that their writer must be so passionate about writing them.

What Can be Improved:

The thing that bugs the reader the most is the fact that this is written in the present tense. It feels real odd, you know, reading stuff like, "He has the migrane to prove it...". It might not be incorrect (I don't exactly know) but the fact of the matter is that most readers are used to reading, and comfortable in, reading stuff that's written in the past tense. So, writings that are written in present tense, completely, just hit them by surprise and feel...odd.

Writing flashbacks as you've done is not...formal I feel. They can be expressed in a better and much more interesting manner.

What I'll Remember:

The passion that you have for the show is surreal. Being a fanatic of DragonBall, I can understand the passion you must put into your writing!

Peace!


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