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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nefelibata
Review Requests: OFF
55 Public Reviews Given
55 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
This is not a picnic. I will be brutally honest. If there are negatives you will know. But by the same note i will give great commendation for the positives. I believe honesty is the only route to improvement. Sugar coating and giving unwarranted commendation will only nurture poor work and method. I hate cliches and work produced from some overly emotional 'tragic romance'(this is a restricted opinion, i know a lot of work comes from pure emotion) - i don't like reading things that are obviously strained and trying very hard to be something they are not.
I'm good at...
Giving my opinion honestly but constructively. Creatively giving ideas of expansion and potential direction for your work.
Favorite Genres
Anything
Least Favorite Genres
Politics
Favorite Item Types
All
Least Favorite Item Types
All
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I received your review request, i apologise for not getting around to it before the request expired.

I did, however, have a read of this.
I like the idea of it, understanding that it is just a chapter at the beginning of a longer story though is imperative, because there are many loose ends in terms of the characters and descriptions. Also, if its the first chapter of a longer epic, it seems like there is a lot happening in a short space of time in terms of action and setting the scene - it also jumped between the two quite dramatically. I like all the descriptions though, gives a good image. Is it in France? (just guessing from the names). A few spelling and grammar errors, that wouldn't matter but the ones i mention in particular detract from the effect of the specific section.
As i said previously, i'm confused about the whole witch, reaper, bone, little girl thing...
I think if its a first chapter to a longer piece, trying to put all of that information, along with the setting, and the main characters and the death and pre-lude to an entire piece, it is a little short - i realize that sentence makes no sense...but if you catch my drift, there is a lot going on for such a small space when the story is clearly going to be much longer.
Also, the stuff about the old man being lazy and praying to God for water...I don't really understand the relevance of that. You probably understand it better and it might play a role in the future of the story, but i forgot about it entirely until just now and flicked up to see how much space it took up...its quite long for a part of the story that i found played no role.

Sorry again for the delay...i hope you get something from this.
Let me know if you don't understand any of it, or want some more feedback - to be honest this was quite rushed, so if you want more, let me know and i will get around to it as soon as i have the time.

(also, this is far less harsh than i intend my description to denote - but like i said, it is in a rush hehe)

Cheers
2
2
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
what?
3
3
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,

I will be honest; from the outset i did not want to vest much personal interest in this piece because i personally find it very difficult to immerse myself in anything to do with science fiction.
That being said, i find this piece you have written to be very entertaining. I admit i am quite time poor and read it in chunks rather than straight through, though i was able to follow the story quite well.
The key protagonist is good in that she is able to be related to (even as a male), but she also holds qualities that incite a kind of dislike.
I know you requested to be notified of any cliches...i think there are a few i'm sorry to say. The whole child with powers thing (regardless of the background from where they attained the powers or whether their parents have them or its normal or whatever) is something that's been shown A LOT. But, again, you've put your own spin on it and expanded on an old idea to make it your own and individual from other story lines.
Its good how you've broken it up as well, it makes the story line flow more naturally rather than having it all in one swamping heap of information.
I like your language - clear, simple, not over emphasized. This point is especially good because so many people (especially within this genre) try to use words just for the sake of throwing in a long word. It ends up confusing the point and is like a bit of bird poo on the story.
All in all, i think its pretty good...and from me that is hard to get with this kind of story (science fiction with female protagonist). I mean that last part completely un-related to sexism but more just because of my inability to relate to such a character.
I know this isn't the most formal or structured review, but i hope it helps somewhat. Or at least encourages you to do more.
Also i realise there are probably errors in punctuation and spelling in this - i don't think it will hinder what you take from what i've written.

arrivederci
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Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
have you intentionally alternated the spelling of grey/gray?
I am never 100% certain which is the right way to spell it
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Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
hahahaah this is hilarious.
not only for the content - but also because not long ago i read something on this site that was incredibly similar and the person was portraying it as a very serious and emotional piece.
you've just come out and dropped it as a comedy (rightfully so).
well done, I applaud your humour
6
6
Review of Tired  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
utmost utmost utmost empathy....
i commend your cojones to put it out there
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Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
cold cold cold...good though. can't produce this stuff without the real emotions - keep it up
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Review of Sad Faces  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
fantastically brutal...rhyming sometimes sounds childish and forced, you've smashed it, well done
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Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
it does indeed, it does indeed.
very well played...i like this alot
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Review of Sleepless  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
i understand this because i can empathize...but, i had to dictionary a lot of phrases to put them together properly and understand what you were saying. could just be me...but it seems like the long, complex words with abstract definitions are not so much needed. again, i may be less literate than most.
enjoyed it though, well done
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Review of Death, A Litany  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Really good...love the theme and way you've expressed it.
Pretty firm grip on the understanding/experience of death.
The last line is money...well done
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Review of Silence  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'll be 100% honest - this is the best thing i've read on this site. Not that i've read hundreds of items...and it could also be that this theme and style appeals to me personally.
Taking a topic like that and making it so simple and full of impact is hard to do. A lot of people would let their emotions run and over emphasize everything and basically dribble words for the sake of lack in control. In a lot of cases that means losing effect.
What you've done is cutting - incites a lot more emotion. That repetition in the fist stanza 'not one word' is really good. And the entire cold tone of the topic and poem is made that much more effective as it's minimal and sharp.
Grammar or structure or whatever - who gives a **** about that - i don't think any writing needs it as long as the writer delivers the effect well - which you've done.
Good job - really really great...
please do more like this
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Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Kristoff,

First and foremost to get the boring stuff out of the way...there are a lot of grammatical and spelling errors...which there are also in this review because who really cares about the grammar of my review...
However, putting that aside because it isn't really as important as the content; i'm not personally a fan of this genre/type of story unless its extremely extremely out there..but i think you have a good idea here. the theme that you summarized at the end with the character's reflections on his experiences i.e. the rhetorical questioning opens the opportunity for further exploration in other work along the same tangent.
I think there are a lot of elements to your descriptions though that are over done and a little bit over emphasized, seemingly just for the sake of trying to add affect that is not needed. though there are a lot of parts that are really good in that sense. for instance the description of the house having 'lazy inhabitants' in reference to the vermin - i liked a lot. it personifies them and almost gives character to their lives. even though they aren't really an imperative part of the plot, it adds a good level of substance to the nature of the house and overall dark tone. hopefully you can gain something from this review...
keep up the good writing and send more of your work my way!
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Review of Down  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
really like this...i get it...keep it coming
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Review of The strange place  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I must be 100% honest with you...i was somewhat enjoying that poem until the last 2 lines...the idea of waking from a dream is done all too often
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Review of Dream Cottage  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
that was absolutely great...i mean i really like that...i wish i was able to express the same kind of imagery...i see exactly what you're describing, its a place i enjoy just wish i was able to express it so PG13 and lucid. really good job. not sure if i am allowed to say this - but it seems like the kind of place one may visit when under the influence of certain pharmaceuticals
good work - hope you keep coming out with stuff like this.
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Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
absurd
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Review of My Broken Man  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This reminds me a lot of Love the Way You Lie by Eminem...i don't know if its the imagery of the winds/tornadoes meeting or if its just along a similar tone. It is good though. clearly a lot of passion and experience behind what you've written. Always good to see someone harness strong emotion and put it in a structured manner.
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Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
"A little hello from the hell below" - that is creepy as...in a good way. You don't even need to use imagination to hear how creepy the voice would be just because of how it rolls off the tongue.
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Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
This is a serious comment, and i am in no way suggesting it negatively - but is the hourglass design significant in that it signals a waste of time reading something with no meaning?
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Review of Our Lady of Sin  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Should have employed the butcher imagery more. Blood and guts
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Review of The Ferryman  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I really really really like the idea behind this. either you have a sound understanding of ancient mythology or you've done some good research, very accurate imagery and portrayals going on (as per my understanding of the ancients). Not sure if you intended it but the structure kind of looks like a winding path...or maybe wake as the boat crosses the river?
good stuff
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Review of Loneliness  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really like this - not to say it brings joy. But its raw. Good job on controlling strong emotions in structure.
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Review of Awakening  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a really intriguing concept. I like the imagery alot but in terms of the flow of the story and some of the characters, i found it a little strange and maybe some parts were irrelevant? i am not an experienced reader or reviewer, but from my very very humble opinion, the mother/bacon scene, was odd. nonetheless, really really enjoyed the imagery and the idea of Jim and Marcia climbing the universe. great
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Review of The Fun House  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Baauer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Great and spooky.
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