This is very well done, and I will just offer a couple of comments.
Despite their mutual curiosity, neither Myra nor Nautica could muster the courage to speak to each other about their feelings. (You have told me at the start about Myra but nothing about Nautica. How do I know about any mutual curiosity?) How about { Despite her curiosity, neither Myra could never muster the courage to speak to Nautica about her feelings}
One hot summer day, Myra’s phone buzzed with a message from an account number. Her heart skipped a beat when she realized it was from Nautica. “Hey, it’s Nautica from school. How’s your summer so far?” he wrote. Myra’s hands trembled with excitement as she typed a response. They quickly fell into a rhythm of daily texting, sharing stories about their lives, favorite movies, and dreams for the future. (How does she know that this is Nautica's number?) It is here that you should reveal that Nautica has feelings for Myra. {One hot summer day, Myra’s phone buzzed with a text from an unknown number. Her heart skipped a beat when she opened it and read “Hey, it’s Nautica from school...)
Last maybe refer to Amatuta as The unofficial matchmaker...
Just a couple of suggestions. The flow of the piece is great. I saw no major grammatical errors. All in all very good work. Please post more in the future,
Very well done. The descriptions and flow paint a great picture. Just a couple of suggestions.
1) I would write the piece in present tense.
2) There are some items in the piece that seem not to belong or are confusing. She below.
3) Everyone sounds the same. You should be able to define and identify your character by their voice.
All and all a great job. Keep writing.
“Greyson, stop it.” Milo begged, his unease breathing followed by his staggering footsteps kicking up the sand. (Sentence is confusing. How about "Greyson, stop it!" Milos begs.)
“Why should I?” He laughed, a dumb, smug smirk laying across his features. (I don't know who "He" is. How about combining it with the sentence below. "Why should I?" Greyson laughs, a dumb smirk plastered on his face as he holds the inhaler high in the air out of Milo's reach. “It’s all an act, isn’t it? Come on man, just admit it. Admit it to everyone right here, right now. Say it!”
“Greyson, he doesn't look too well, maybe you should give it back.” Richard chimed in, his hands defensively up at chest, picking at the cuticles of his fingers, nervously glancing at Milo’s ever paling face. (His hands defensively up at his chest... does not seem to fit here. How about "Hey, Grey. He don't look too good, maybe you oughta give it back," Richad chimes in, nervously picking at the cuticles of his fingers as he glances at Milo's ever paling face.
You write extremely well and there is really nothing I can say but to keep writing as your talent is evident in this piece. Below I have pointed out some things that might help you in the future. The first one should be addressed in the piece.
1) You constantly bounce back between past and present tense. (Major Point)
“Come on Max! We are going to be late to board!” Dad said, his hand firm against the side of the door frame, eyes peering into mine....(Said is past tense, the rest of the passage is present. Try Dad says......)
“We are almost never late”, I retort. “Almost, you said almost.” He replied back, (I retort is present tense.... replied back is past. Try I reply back....
2) I rewrote the first sentence just to point out a few minor details. Your home is not "the" stars as it implies you could be living on a star. (Minor point). Get rid of "all" as it is too vague (Minor point) The last three sentences seem out of order as your Dad is talking about earth, then you mention not having a memory of earth, then back to your dad talking about earth. (Kind of a major point as it makes the read disjointed.) Last but not least try and avoid ending a sentence with a preposition like "it" if possible. (Minor point)
For as long as I can remember, my home has been among the stars after years of growing up within this metal tub that our family has learned to call home. Dad says earth was beautiful in its day, and that I was lucky to be born there. He loves to remind me about how the trees would sway in the wind, whatever that means. You see, I don’t have a single memory of the place.
Again, great work and I look forward to reading more.
1) You have a tendency to switch back and forth from past and present tense.
2) Try to avoid using "I was.." there are quite a few in the passage.
Here is how I would have written one paragraph. Not saying it is right, just a suggestion.
Passing the house the next day I notice the middle-aged man intently digging in his garden. It wasn't the digging that concerned me so much as did the large, green trash bag beside him. I mean, who buries garbage? And in their garden to boot. Looking at me with his stern, straight face, and narrow eyes gave me the sense something bad is going on here. As I hurry along, I decide then and there to find out what is in that trash bag.
All and all well written and structured. The flow is nice as are the descriptions. Keep writing.
Very well done. I would suggest trying to be more descriptive in your narrative (adverbs and adjetives, not too few and not too many) and combing sentences to give it a flow,
The second the music came on the radio, my feet raced ahead of my mind. Making up steps as I went, twirling here and with no rhyme, rhythm or reason.
Maybe instead of "It felt so freeing.... "Releasing my inter inhibitions with no directions...."
And when the song ended… I felt alive, wanting to get up and boogie some more!
I would suggest eliminating "I am able to read nothing... Nothing but an emptiness" as you have already mentioned you are looking in a void and moving the two last lines up. ANd maybe change Then to As.
And people say
“I opened up so easily with you”
So I go
Look into the mirror
Stare in my own reflection’s eyes
Hoping I could open up to myself
Oh so easily as the others have
But I see nothing
Nothing other than a void
As a single tear runs down my cheek
And I cry myself to sleep
This is very well written and a great story. I can only offer a couple of suggestions. Monor at best.
Sagged against the ticket counter with her head in her hands, Adrienne takes a deep breath. She is only one of a hundred disgruntled passengers surging around the ticket counter.
You mention ticket counter twice and starting with the word "Sagged..." that's past tense and you are writing in the present tense.
Sagging against the ticket counter with her head in her hands, Adrienne takes a deep breath. She is only one of a hundred disgruntled passengers surrounding the overwhelmed ticket agent.
Later you tell me Sadie is 8 twice.
Like I say, minor details. Again your writing is greta. Keep it up.
You write well. I sense that this is more rambling on your part as you write along, which is great and highly recommended. Just write, don't think. But once you have finished, I would suggest going back and reading what you wrote to see if it will make sense to the reader, or is there another way to put this (I always look to reduce unnecessary words or ones that are overused). I also like to move things around in my sentences to see if it sounds better or flows more smoothly.
I rewrote the first two paragraphs to give you an idea. Not saying it's right but a suggestion. Anyhow thank you for the read and keep going.
With my overactive rational brain, it is very hard for me to separate my needs and emotions. And while this may be normal for others, it is significant for me when they are at extremes.
What does one do when you know you are difficult to love? When you have just gone through one of the most difficult chapters of your life and told yourself "I will never let this happen again"? How do you cope when the person you adore suddenly tells you they don't know what to call "it", but this "it" is there. And "it" that makes them want to get closer to someone else.
You write very well. Your descriptions are vivid and the story flows well. The only suggestions are that you try to consolidate your sentences here and there. Short sentences tend to make the read choppy and it may make the reader uncomfortable. I rewrote the beginning to give you an example. Not saying it is right. Also look to eliminate unnecessary words where you can. Dazed and confused.... leave it to just dazed...you don't know if he is confused.
I walk along a sidewalk when, out of nowhere, a boy suddenly drops onto the crosswalk before me. Dazed, he struggles to rise, and I feel as though I should help him. I reach out then stop suddenly as it hits me, "Oh, my goodness he's," then I stop knowing that I must find Notitia and tell her. "He's here. The second Phaser is here."
"Ugh." I moan sitting up, my head hurting as if a hammer is taping on my brain only a thousand times worse.
Honestly, this is some of the best work I have read on this site from a "newbie". Your descriptions create a vivid visual and are well thought out. I could not improve on it from a writing standpoint. The only suggestions I have is that some of your sentences are rather short and this leads to somewhat of a bumpy road when reading. Like a car hitting the brakes every 50 meters or so. I have rewritten two passages that string together sentences and make the reading more fluid. Not saying this is right, just an idea. To be honest in my writing I tend to make sentences too long at times.
Again. Top-notch writing. I look forward to reading more from you. Maybe you should think of penning a children's book. You have the talent.
Filled with pretty flowers, green grass, or fruits and vegetables and on occasion, a tree, some were well taken care of while others were, well, less elaborate and well-kempt. Fences crisscrossed the district, white, with flat tops, where along one particularly aged stretch scurried a very furry and very aspiring sneak-thief named Francis.
Francis was a squirrel, a Red squirrel to be exact, and he was more light brown truth be told with a long bushy tail that flowed behind him in a wave as he scampered. He knew the fences by another, more appropriate name amongst his kind, the Picketway. Approaching the corner of Copperton Trail and Michelson Way, ambling towards his final destination off Henderson Drive, Francis always enjoyed this stretch of the Picketway. Tall bushes lined either side of the fence their branches waving hello in the breeze, courteously offering him a cool slice of shade from the hot sun, and any hawks that may be lurking above. The occasional hedges along the way were well known for their hospitality, and proud of it too, sometimes offering up a fresh raspberry or two on his journey.
This is very good. I would offer the following suggestions.
1) Give Harry's wife a name (See below I gave her Bernice)
2) You use Harry a bit to much throughout the piece. See if you can substitute he, him etc. or eliminate all together by rewriting. (See below )
3) Sometimes you provide too much information. Try and look at what you can trim without losing the meaning or effect. (See below)
In the morning, Harry called in sick for the first time in his life. His face slowly sagged as the reality of his actions sank in. That was until he caught a glimpse of the nag. Even in silent slumber, her face could suck the marrow from a person’s soul. As he glared at her rage gushed from every pore in his body as her nasal draining voice rang in his ears. “Look at the mess you made. If you think I’m cleaning up this sty you have another thing coming”. Until Harry was certain his head would explode.
If you looked up the word average in the dictionary you would find a picture of Harry Trimm. In his mid-forties with a bald spot larger than he liked to believe and a spare tire to boot, he toiled away his life as an internal salesman selling toilets to businesses and hospitals. Talk about your crappy job, but hey at least the pay was inadequate too.
On the bright side of things, Harry’s wife made his life a living Hell. He met Bernice during his sophomore year of junior college. When they first met, he was smitten with her girl next door cuteness.
All and all I very much enjoyed the read. You have a gift that you need to grow so keep writing. If you have the time, I invite you to read and comment on the first two chapters of my Novel "Run for the Roses" on my page.
You write well. A couple of thoughts
1) In The first sentence you have your eyes doing two different things at once. Also, I think you mean gazed and not glazed.
2) You need to identify the voice as Wesea and not say A voice.
3) When someone else is talking start a new paragraph.
See below my suggestions
keep writing because you show a flare for the narrative.
Lost in my own world, I gazed upon the setting sun silhouetting a village of mud huts with their straw hats and wondered what the city kids were doing. "I bet they don't know what the weight of a gallon of water on one's head feels like, that's for sure," I murmured to myself with a smile.
Wesea's voice broke my thoughts. "You know how Mama feels when we don't come home early," she said as she lifted the gallon jug onto her head.
A) You seem to dance back and forth from present to past tense. Also simply by reducing unnecessary adjectives and adverbs.
After opening the letter, a tear started down her cheek. Reading the letter, a single tear rolls down her cheek.
Handing me a peanut butter and banana sandwich, startled I said," I love these. I used to have them as a child." She hands me a peanut butter and banana sandwich. "Wow," I exclaim. " I used to eat these all the time when I was a kid."
B) I don't think the nurse would give out personal information so I would find another way to introduce the Agent Orange info
"I am here to see Michael Moreau." speaking to the receptionist. Checking her computer, I was directed to an area reserved for terminal patients. The nurse informed me that he was very ill; a victim of Agent Orange - a deadly herbicide that had been used in Viet Nam to destroy vegetation. They had stopped using it in 1971; the year he had been deployed into combat there. It coincidentally was the same year I was born; over thirty-five years, ago.
"I'm here to see Michael Moreau," speaking to a receptionist. A few clicks on her computer keyboard and she directs me to the fourth floor, B-ward "It's for the terminally ill," she adds sympathetically.
You write well but I would work on eliminating redundancy and unneeded words. (just should never be used) I had this female friend (My friend Jade... Let the name tell us the gender.) I have known her since high school... Maybe ( Friends since high school we really never hung out together until recently)
Also write it like you if you are talking to someone else.
Here is an idea for the first part of your story
You see I have, or should I say had, a friend Jade who, rumor has it, is unofficially known as the town S-L-U-T. Now I'm not one prone to idle gossip, but after what happened a couple of days ago, I can say with a hundred percent certainty it's a rumor no more.
You show a flair for writing. Your descriptions are good and the flow of the piece is well thought out.
When I write a start out big and then look to consolidate. Moving sentences around, eliminating needless or repetitive information or adverbs / adjectives. I may rewrite a single passage several times until it sounds right to my ear.
I rewrote the beginning. Not saying it is right but to give you an idea where I am coming from.
Keep writing and I look forward to your next installment.
"I don't understand... Where could he be?" Karnak-Ra thought to himself as he made his way along the same cobblestone street for the sixth time that day all the while trying to figure out where he went wrong on his search. Attired in the garb of a high priest made of leopard skin with a pharaoh's headdress, the youthful and athletic Karnak-Ra had been sent by the authorities to St. Petersburg, Missouri in search of Doctor Marcus Thorne, a well-known and respected scientist who had disappeared under mysterious circumstances. (What authorities?)
The last time he had been seen was in his hotel room reading a battered copy of "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer". And while the fact he was reading a classic of American literature set in the same local where he disappeared tweaked Karnak-Ra attention, he couldn't help believing that something else was a foot and that he was about to bite off more than he could chew.
Your writing is good. I think you might want to be more creative in your writing. Picture the scene in your head and let the juices flow. (Don't tell...show_) hardeest part of writing
I have put some ideas down below. Not saying they are right but some idea.
Keep writing.
I would give the characters names. Also rolling the eyes tells me he is annoyed. So leave annoyance out. Also you really don't need standing before him.
“Girls don’t play football,” he said with annoyance rolling his eyes at the scrawny ponytailed girl standing before him.
Maybe
"Girls can't play football," Bill Baker said rolling his eyes at scrawny, pigtailed Emily Wolcott. "This is tackle football and we would crush you like a bug." The boys behind him laugh and nod in agreement.
"I ain't afraid of y'all," Emily loudly retorts, masking her nervousness best she can.
Also I don't think kids would use the word ignorance.
... I'm not gettin' grounded 'cause your stupid...
Your writing shows a creative flair which is good, but you tend to overuse adjectives and adverbs which makes the read difficult.
The flow of the story is good.
Check your tenses you switch back and forth from present tense and past tense.
Consider reducing your use of modifiers.... here are a few ideas.
I gasped and took a startled step back.... I already know you were startled when you gasped... I gasped as I took a step back.
Plain, old, boring human head.... how can a head be boring Find one word to describe the head.
Winston,’ I smiled back at her, baring my fangs again. Perhaps this was how vampires conducted their mating rituals. It seemed as good an approach as any. ... Don't need to say again. Get rid of perhaps "the vampiric mating ritual I had perfected over the years.
She bared her own back and and cackled again... She bared her back and cackled. It's her back we know that and don't use again.
I almost bounded up to her.... I bounded up to her You can't almost bound up to someone
Creative work that needs work. I have some suggestions below. Not saying theu are right just my thoughts on how to improve.
Keep writing.
Be careful of switching tenses....The work is in past tense yet the line "Nope. Excuse me," he took out his phone for a call, walking away from me. His pace clearly hastened." is present (walking should be as he walked away.)
I think you should read it aloud and condense it by eliminating unnecessary modifiers.
EX. I walked towards the politician and held out a static gun. The floor announced my presence in rhythmic clacks.
"The floor creaked as I approached the politician and held out the static gun."
EX It was basically a new version of guns, that used no gunpowder since that resource was already long gone. It shot pellets stored with electricity. Stun to death. And the pellets were reusable. Kinda pushing the green tech label if you asked me.
The sleek, metallic device held a small collection of reusable electric pellets, each one capable of delivering a fatal shock to its victim. It's cutting-edge technology, a necessary substitute for guns, which had become obsolete due to the lack of gunpowder.
EX "Sigh. Just take it." should be "Just take it," he sighed.
"Much better! Hold onto it, will ya?" I said as
"Oh! Here's a tip," I looked back, as if I recalled something.
"Keep it hidden. Haha!" I chuckled at his rigid appearance. My voice echoed in the metallic corridor. The buffer was done, next for the Comms.
This needs to be all one
"Much better! Hold onto it, will ya?" My voice echoed in the metallic corridor as I walked past him. "Oh! And here's a tip," I chuckled. "Keep it hidden."
I rewrote the first part of your story. Your writing is good but tends to be to formal. Loosen up, it's called creative writing. Paint me pictures with words. Don't be so quick to move on.
Liliana is your normal high school senior (List a few Attributes that make her normal) who can't wait to graduate and head of to the sun and fun of the University of Hawaii. Except there's one problem, one very big problem. Her AP Literature teacher Ms. Davies hates her. Hates might be an understatement. Detest, abhors, loathes... pick your adjective. With a personality that even Mr. Rogers would find offensive, she spends the day wallowing about her personal life which is about as eventful as a deserted street. Plus, the fact that she gives out grades based on her favorite "pets" and that the class is the last one of the day only adds to her demise.
One night after (NOW TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED THAT CAUSED HER TO TALK TO HER PARENTS) No go on.
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