Really excellently done. when Swift did it, I think it was slightly more ambiguous - for about the 1st third of his pamphlet - whether he was serious. Tipped off by your title, I had none of that wobbling uncertainty. But also, the motivations/temptations of syrupy corporate coffee and better phone apps revealed you true sympathies. I wonder if a stronger bit of devil's advocacy would make the impact stronger and more of a test for the reader.
My god, please tell me all this outside loo business happened back in the 1930s or something!
This made me laugh a lot (I also love your unreasonable handle) My dad was dire around the house and mum used to nag my sister to go out with the boys mum could convince to put up shelves. It took years, and hindsight, to understand Jill's bellows of You're PIMPING me!
This starts with the standup recommend, then a bit about being sarf londoners, then the stories about the loo. All the bits are entertaining, but the sequencing feels a bit random. It would be better if it tied together more tightly as a unit. That's the only improvement I can really advise. As it is, this is a lot of filthy fun.
I love the concept of using this activity as nourishment for yourself, and utterly agree about a mixed diet being the best of all worlds. It refreshes the palate, so to speak.
The opening of the article was splendid (this is going on public review so am trying not to spoiler the verbal sleight of hand), I mean the shift from travel to how you travel.
As a purse-lipped European, I raised an eyebrow over the strength of the reactions you record here. For me, and I compulsively share this hobby, the gasps tend to be internal, the sorrow at coming to the end of an oeuvre less keen. I wondered if you were dramatising the emotions for effect - but I hope what it really means is that you've simply had a run of excellence lately. I envy you, so.
This is elegantly clear and helpful advice. It's a very nice article and I'm glad I read it.
Is it intended mostly for non-fiction writers - essayists, and the like? I would expect fiction, or longer pieces, to have a more fluid structure than the skeleton you suggest in this (though the rule about new paragraph for a change of topic is one I'd better embrace).
Writing paragraphs are in fact the most basic structure..
I think the to be verb in this sentence should agree with "writing" (singular) rather than paragraphs (plural) which makes it "is in fact the most basic." But that is my ear, and may be a regional thing.
I needed convincing, not that anti-semitism is wrong, but that jumping from verse to prose and back again would work, but the shifts in rhythm gave the writing a momentum it might not otherwise have had. It felt like a presentation being given by two voices, this way. The points you made were very crisp and bullet pointey.
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attaboy for the image - did you make it yourself or find it?
I lack the expertise to comment on verse, but as a story, I liked the premise lots. Both dramatic and creepy. Like the hero, I did not see that coming.
Reading this, I had less sympathy for the golddigger girl than the narrator expects, which meant I wasn't rooting for any of the characters in the story. That does not mean that she isn't both plausable and internally consistent. But it did leave me caring slightly less about what happened next. Somehow the phrase when you got to know him proper and deep makes me think of those gum-chewing bad girls in noir films
It's nice to read a story that has a beginning and a middle and an end, and has a punchline. I wonder if this would be stronger if Frankie was seen talking and acting - in most of this he is seen through his childbride's eyes. If the reader has a more powerful impression of him then seeing a different man at the end will mean more to them. The narrator is the only person in the story and everyone else is a shadow. By the way how did she react to Maddy after the boy blurted out what happened?
I personally have a tendency to overuse dashes, but I think ellipses are your vice. There are so many of them in this short piece.
I wasn't like his mummy. I was nice to be popular. It not I in both places. I know that's a typo not a mistake in your head. Gained a few kilos. Gained kilos after a week? Pounds would be more likely. My outer expression showered loved This sentence did not hang together and it was a dramatic moment.
Lovely folder of Irish themed poetry. (I know you already know what this is about; I'm stating the obvious so that this review can try and showcase it on the PubRev page.)
The short essay at the top sets the mood and whets the appetite. Hope lots of people get to read this.. after all, we are coming up to St Patrick's Day. The poems are in a range of tones - the seaweed one was gorgeous and made me sentimental, and the roundabout one made me giggle like a mad giggling thing.
I found this very funny - there were some fantastic lines in it, the doritos craving derived from assaullting teens, and the way people didn't find serial killing ideal standup material were my fave bits.
A couple of references struck me as homophobic, which left a bad taste as a reader. (There's a whole political issue with gays being banned from donating blood regardless of HIV status while straights donate after a short questionnaire - anyway, that bit pulled me right out of laughter into political rant mood)
It feels like a bit of the story is missing - the journey to Montana for instance. And some of the other bits happened very fast (not enough jokes in the situations?) But this is quirky and original and funny. I hope you write a lot more.
The metaphor of disease and treating symptoms versus cause struck me as effective (and a metaphor very characteristic of you, given your personal history)
This is very clearly laid out and you set out your points and your case clearly. Point A of your concluding thesis, however, I felt was too compacted, almost a telegram - too terse to follow smoothly. I think if you allowed yourself a little more verbiage and made the bullet points into full sentences, that paragraph would read better and be easier to comprehend. It is fractured as it stands.
from 5: some generalisations section
(1) Given the difficulty of classifying terrorist acts (one man's terrorist; another man's freedom fighter) I am surprised by the statistic about most terrorist acts being Muslim in origin.
There are some word usages that struck me as odd. This may well be because of the differences between Indian English and UK English, but I underline a couple just in case they are not regional idioms: One must dwell deep into the cause I would expect delve here. Dwell is to inhabit rather than to explore. is used maximum by the Christian West Mostly fits here better for me, with the provise that this too may be a local idiom issue.
(I could do a line by line edit of grammar tics, but am not sure whether that would be helpful for the above reason about regional variations in english.)
The first thing I saw when I clicked onto this item was a solid page of text. I know this suggestion has no bearing on the quality of your writing, but please hit enter a couple of times between paragraphs. Space between paragraphs helps a lot. It makes things much easier on older eyes. Sometimes I just hit backbutton when I see this kind of textblock and I've heard other people say the same; it's not just me.
Onto the actual story, having established that I'm cranky, old and halfblind. And possibly am not your intended audience.
I did enjoy the swimmy sense of autopilot of the getting-up routine.
Your narrator's personality has a definite stamp to it. He's a bit of a drama queen and arrogant with it (I was rooting for the janitor) but it's fun to listen to his stream of thoughts. That double take and recoil from the police in the office - that was the best moment. You're good at describing movement and action clearly and economically, by the way. It felt as if he was outside the door cursing fate for ages before the lightning reflexes of the crime fighters kicked in - is that intended, or was I reading the 8 sentences that intervened between the door slamming and the eruption of cops too slowly?
..and at the end, the janitor suffers, to your hero's glee. That rounds things off neatly.
Mum is in past tense and you are in present. It's an easy fix. Either is good, but two tenses is disorientating.
That story, if you'll forgive me saying, packed quite a punch.
The final line came as a surprise and tied it all together. Usually I'm a bit iffy about w.com pieces that are about writing on w.com (because it seems a bit navel gazing) but this got past that personal rule. 300 words, very economical.
I suppose any job becomes banal and uninspiring when it's your Monday to Friday routine. Now I shall look at fellow site members with a new (and wary) eye.
What Michael and men like him need is an inflatable girlfriend - their conversational skills are poor but they have no icky internal organs at all.
This made me smile, the conjuring up of ladies of unearthly elegance, like in glossy oldstyle films, who wear sleek satin gowns and whose noses never run during a crying jag. Eventually all of us give up on meeting Melanie Wilkes off Gone With The Wind in our real lives.
The short dialogue was a nice introduction, and then you made your point. I thought the piece would be stronger, or more interesting, with conflict in the arguement. As it stands, Michael is clearly and uncategorically wrong, and silly with it. But some men seem to agree with Michael's point of view: why? What would he say to bolster his opinion? Would he claim that he is chivalrous and his Myri ought to be grateful to be on a pedestal? (As a feminist, I object to pedestals, but Myri's opinion on them is unknown.)
It's great as it stands, a statement of fact not a debate. I just suggest the other if you were thinking of extending it.
The paragraph where he goes.. fine.. but what about me.. sounded incongruously pouty-teen-mallrat while I read, but that was just cos the one word sentence "fine" has that association in my head.
The piece overall, I loved. I hope a lot of people get to read it.
It was a fresh glimpse of history, and vividly sympathetic to Galileo's dilemma. You really ended on a note of continuing shadows, which leaves the reader distressed for the poor man's remaining career.
Forcing belief is impossible and ridiculous; I suppose forcing lip service is irresistable - if one has the power to do it.
This is a very useful list. Most of the rules are crystal clear, the way you communicated them, but I would love a right and wrong example of rule 2 (but) sentences.
How do students rearrange their sentences here?
How (not necessarily the same thing) should they be rearranging their sentences here?
What a brilliant challenge. It really gets one wondering. Already it's inspired some mini historical novels in the replies.
The concept reminds me of Connie Willis' novel, Doomsday Book, in which the history undergraduate heroine hops via time machine into the Black Death times - but she does get to prepare, spending months learning to ride horses and milk cows. Me, I'm such an effete 21st century-er, I'd probably ride the cow and milk the horse. Or try to, and fail dramatically.
Sighing and tutting, I note that the first instinct of many w.commers is to turn to a life of crime (though given our skillsets really don't match the era, how else?)
I'm sticking this on public in hopes of giving you a little publicity.
Great rant, and you carried me along with your point of view. Everyone says they want to hear about issues instead of personalities, but the media can't fit issues into soundbites, and the electorate gets insulted again.
The complaint you opened with, about phonespam, was very close to a lot of antispam rants online, and it wasn't the strongest or the most damning part of the article. But then, I've read a lot of griping about spam, which may be why my attention was drifting in the first paragraph.
The bit about the job interview with added backstabbing ("He flip-flops and puppies hate him") was the highlight because it so pointedly dramatised the situation of politicians applying for a place.
I always thought "they" (I will get confused it you ask me to define they) mean it averages out at 50/50.
What you say here is a good point, I mean the part about differing strengths and fluctuating domination within a relationship.
The last two paragraphs raised more questions than they answered, and it might be interesting to try and decide how you feel about being the one taken care of. Being a gracious recipient of gifts is sometimes harder than giving itself, maybe because it's assumed we don't need to be told how.
The other question I thought you brought up without resolving, at the end, was the communication thing. It's unfair to expect love to include telepathy, yet people get indignant at their partner's lack of perception every day. What are the rights and wrongs of that?
Mr Asimov would never have written an eagle pov - he was petrified of flying, wasn't he?
The reveal that Zach was Isaac A was well timed, and if you'd used the famous three laws of robotics that would have been a bit of a cliche; as it was the precision and numerical detail sounded suitably like machine intelligence.
Having the end of life coincide with the end of the story was good, but having the end of life be the end of the story made it a bit meta, as if the story commented on the act of reading itself. Which I liked a lot in this.
You are right; this is hilarious. It reminded me of Calvin and Hobbs at their chaotic best.
I think it would be better still in third person instead of first, though. The vocabulary is far more advanced than the logic of the content, and that makes the narrator sound unreal, which is a distraction all the way through the read. I would hate the sentences be limited to the capacity of a four year old's essay writing abilities. What made this fun was the old head on young shoulders, and the complicated explanations he was giving himself of how the world worked.
The flavour of this story reminded me of one of my favourite films, Truly Madly Deeply, and the video club ghosts who infested the flat to kill time. Which is a good thing to be reminded of.
A very unsepulchral story and oddly sweet and warming.
This was only too short, and like a snapshot when I wanted the whole movie.
What happened next, and what happened next time bionic!Dan ran into the superhero types?
I'm assuming Dante is an unreliable narrator because he seems a bit bigoted, so I wonder whether the supervillains are the bad guys or the victims of rotten press, so that is a part of the story that has a question mark over it as well.
O bother. You specialise in flash fiction, and I know that you meant this to be a snapshot *adjusts star rating* but I wish you had expanded on this. I don't like Dante much as a person, but the fictional universe he lives in has a lot of story potential.
Thank you for posting this; I liked it.
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