You captured Orgon beautifully. His thoughts and feelings are wonderfully consistent through the piece. He is very much the hired sword, with the practicality to prove it.
I found that you gave us a lot of back story. Most of it was very helpful in establishing the scened that would unfold, but I think you can cut it down a bit. If this piece is part of a larger story, then by all means leave it as is, but if it is a stand-alone piece, then I would focus most of your attention on bringing out the details of the place where they are and the prince who is being protected.
I would also try to bring out more of who the Waterfolk are. Not just their idealogy, but who they are as a people. Do they come from warm, verdant regions, or from the north where they've braved cold winters? The princeling, is he merely small in stature, or in mind as well? Does he have an opinionated attitude of a prince, or is he just waiting for a bite of quiche? I think that if you brought these details out a bit more, you wouldn't have so much need for back story on the travelers. The story would unfold very naturally.
I have one question, though. If the prince were drowning, wouldn't he make more than just that one big splash, i.e., wouldn't the mercenaries and Orgon have heard him struggling in the water?
The scene between Orgon and the mercenaries is absolutely terrific. The dialogue is hysterical, but menancing. Great job there.
This is definitely one of those, reality is stranger than fiction moments. And yet, reality is still reality at the end of the day.
This is a great story. And for the most part you tell it well. I love some of the little details you throw in, the cigar, the chicken salad. Those little things bring characters to life for the reader. I also like the fact that you set up the story well, by telling us where we are observing and what your role in everything is. That really helps the reader to ground themselves in the story.
However, I would have liked a bit more detail about the experience. What did you feel as the police cruisers showed up and you've got guns pointed at you? When you found the "forgotten" fork-lift, did you feel a bit miffed that someone would leave the stupid machine so far out? Did the whole scene feel a bit dream-like, or was everything in crystal clarity as you thought about the potential for being arrested? How about the smell of the theater?
Also, I would look at your longest paragraph and seriously consider breaking it down. It is a large block of text and a lot of what goes on in it is lost on the reader as they go through it. Also, I think it would give the piece a little more foreshadowing if the finding of the alternate fork-lift were in a paragraph all its own. By the way, I loved the word yawning to describe the furniture store. That was a nice touch.
This definitely has the potential to be a really cool sci-fi novel. There's intrigue, homespun theology, different races and nice technology.
Technically, I noticed a few typos here and there, nothing that a line by line read wouldn't fix easily. The grammar is good and other than really studying the Cajun dialect, everything flowed together well.
I found your transistions to be confusing. You start the piece with a date, it would help if in your next sections, you also used the date with perhaps the present headings as parentheticals. Not everyone who reads sci-fi is adept at quick mathematics and they don't really want to keep flipping back so as to place themselves in the right time period.
It is apparent that Harold is going to be one of the central characters in this novel, but there is little about him as a person. We are given one real scene where he stands up to his headmaster, but somehow we aren't ever really given a taste of who he is. Suddenly, after that one conversation he begins to see that perhaps the Terrans are not the nice guys? But he'd always known how horrible the headmaster was. That whole conversation between Harold and the headmaster didn't fit. It is exceptionally inappropriate for a headmaster to handle Harold the way he did, as well as to declare that Harold is nothing and wanted nothing more to be Terran. It seemed to come out of nowhere. It would probably be better in that scene if the headmaster were to level veiled hints at Harold instead of confronting him directly. Harold could still respond by standing up to him, but the whole scene felt to over-the-top.
I like the interplay between the various scenes and the political intrigue is good. But I would give the reader a little more perspective. This is set in our future, but what's happened to earth. Everything tends to revolve around the U.S., was the U.S. the one to colonize Mars? Was it ours? Why are we on the verge of a war to take it back from our own descendants? By giving the reader a bit more about current events, they'll be able to understand better the political climate that the story is set in.
Also, you have a whole planet to tell us about. What does the new Mars look like. Humans have been there long enough to make their mark, so how have we changed it? Tell us about the world as it exists there, the mundane little details that make the place come alive.
For the most part, I would go over all of your dialogue and read it out loud. Try to see where it sounds right and where it just sounds too forced. A lot of your scenes just didn't have that ring of truth to them. I would also either really work on the Cajun dialect, or drop it and just tell us that he speaks with an accent. To have a character speak in a dialect is great, but difficult to pull off and fails if you don't get it just right.
I would also think about about shortening any tangent that does not directly relate to the main story line. I think by tightening your vision to the actual participants and making them carry most of the weight of exposition, you'll produce a stronger and richer piece.
This piece has a all the hallmarks of a comic farce on detective novels. Your choice of names is particularly apt and amusing. However, the piece feels unfinished. There really is not conclusion and the main mystery of the story is never resolved.
Technically, this piece needs a lot of help. There are many typos and grammar needs to be looked at very closely. If you were to read it out loud or have someone else read it out loud, I think you would catch most, if not all of the mistakes.
I think you should make your first paragraph a prologue instead of part of the chapter. It would make the segue into the actual meat of the story a lot smoother.
In some ways this piece is brimming with description but then the description falls away to be replaced with a laundry list description of action. In order to make this piece better, you would need to go back over it and try to bring it to life a bit more. Instead of doing a literal interpretation of things that happen, the brrring of the telephone, making it more literary would ease the flow and help make the piece feel more polished.
Your two main characters need to be fleshed out a great deal. They are the main focus of this story and yet we know nothing about them. To be honest, the car gets more of a description. Since this is comic, their appearences, mannerisms are a wonderful place to inject humor without going overboard. By bringing them out more, you will also save yourself time later by explaining why they are reacting to things a certain way. Pickles antagonism with Galta would be a lot funnier if we knew (at least on his side) some of his background with the police force. It would also help when Cody is confronted by his old boss at the party.
This piece is all over the board. There is a plot developing, but there seems to be so many tangents that the characers are racing off to find. I think you need to pare it down to the bare bones and then build it back up. By bringing it down to only what is necessary, you'll be able to add all those little things that will make this come alive.
Since it is a mystery, detail will be extremely important, the reader will want to try and guess, so it would be helpful to give them those little things that will keep them guessing and turning pages.
This is a great little how-to article. You are concise, but explain the five major categories of what is needed in a query letter. I also like the fact that you leave your plug for the very end, giving the reader the information and then telling them you've got something that makes the job a lot easier.
I really liked the advice in the article. It is easier to digest than a lot of the articles I've read on this subject. I also liked the fact that you stressed the professionalism of writing this type of letter and how important it is.
Rod Serling would be proud. This was exactly the type of thing he would have loved to put on his beloved show. Definitely makes one think. It asks the question about what is truly beautiful? Is it the mere wrapper, or is it a person happy with themselves? Along with the be careful what you wish for.
However, I felt that this came across as more of a story blurb, and not really a story. One of the beauties of the Twilight Zone was the way it sucked you into the plot that was unfolding before you. If you wrote this from the first person, I think it would be more powerful and engaging. Perhaps having her getting ready for her grand "coming-out" party and reflecting on everything that had happened before. A wonderful opening line would be "I was beautiful once, and now I'm beautiful again."
By leading the reader down the garden path that Lilly's dreams were coming true again, maybe throwing in some fo her aspirations for her new, glamourous self, it would make the scene at the party so much more personal. Also, by doing it from the first person perspective, the reader could really feel her dismay and desperation when she realized it was all an illusion.
At the end, you could still have the narration from the Twilight Zone, having the scene of her being pulled into the van, and pulling back into third-person while your Rod Serling character made his Twilight Zone pronouncement. Adding some cigarette smoke would really work with the ambiance there.
Another idea would be to actually write a teleplay. This is a very current story-line. (I guess the quest for beauty is always current). I could totally see this being used in the modern version of the Twilight Zone.
The experience described in this story is a powerful one. One that changes people forever and can last them a lifetime. But I didn't feel that the story really did the experience justice.
Technically, you've got a lot of typos and spelling errors. An example is that an altar is in a church but people alter their appearences. Going though with spell check and a line by line read should fix pretty much everything.
I like a lot of what you were trying to do with the part in the church. I like the fact that you didn't tell us what denomination it was, although the fact the janitor was wearing a crucifix would lead one to think it was Roman Catholic. However, which denomination it was doesn't matter. However, I think you need to really focus on the concrete details of the church. You do it a little with the floor, but what does the place smell like? Cleaning solution from the janitor? Old wood? The incense? Does it smell like old ladies or new babies? What does the kneeler feel like, the pew? What can or can't you hear within its stone walls? All these details will really help when talking with the janitor about what your character feels in the church. About the difference between peace and contentment.
A wonderful distinction to draw. And the janitor's commentary is good. A little on the preachy side, but good nonetheless. I think if you had him talk briefly about contentment and then launch into the allegory about the mountain, you would get a lot more mileage.
However, you need to explain to the reader why your character has such difficulty talking to people. Is this a personality quirk? Does he have a stutter? Is he almost phobically shy? Things like this will help us understand why it is so difficult to talk to this stranger, but also why it's such a shock when the character finds he can do it so easily.
On the train, you do a good job of trying to show that your character is trying to maintain the peace he had in the church. However, I think you need to make the sequences where he is worried about having enough money a little more choppy, a little more like when someone is nervous about something.
Also, you need to explain about the man in the other car. Point out the difference between being caught up in the commotion of life and having the stillness of the church. The other man would be an excellent foil for what your character has become after his impromptu visit to the church.
This is an excellent use of the acrostic format. A format that is in some ways very limiting and yet liberating.
The tale has a definite beginning, middle and end. However, I felt that the tale needs some more description of Eddie after the accident. We know he is in pain, but are never actually told what is causing the pain he feels as he tries to stand up. This is important to the tale because it only serves to reinforce his monniker of "Lucky Eddie."
Also, the following line felt very awkward to me:
Interest in Edward’s condition quickly changed to interest in the now wrecked motor cycle.
It could easily be rewritten to:
Interest in Edward's condition quickly moved to the now wrecked motor cycle.
I think that such a revision would allow the line to flow better and not be so confusing to the reader on the first read through.
Going back over this, if you wanted, I think you would find other places where you could pare down the language so that this piece becomes more powerful. Because of the acrostic format, the strength comes from the pin-point percision of the language, and by reducing some of the descriptions and perhaps elaborating on some, you would be able to focus the reader's attention much more closely to the near-death experience felt by Eddie.
I also think that interspersing Eddie instead of Edward into the piece at some points would increase the resonance of the concluding sentiment.
I enjoyed it, loving "donor" cycles, this is a nice reality check.
This is an incredibly well-executed piece. You capture the ambiance of a dectective novel in a few words and your characters, especially Aiden come alive for the reader in only a few sentences. I love the hints at the past relationship without actually going into detail, it gives the entire thing an aura of reality without distracting the reader from the actual story you're depicting.
Despite all of the above, I found the piece unsatisfying. Technically, it's fine. And as stated above you really do bring out a lot of the things I think you were going for. But, there is a distance between Summer and the reader. An uncomfortable distance. On the one hand, she is the one telling the story, but I didn't feel that reader really got to know her. To understand her. When she and Aiden begin to discuss her power, it's as if a shield goes up between her and the reader. She doesn't want Aiden to know about her power and thus the reader doesn't find out either.
Their discussion about love is the major reason for this. There is something lurking beneath the surface of her words, something that really needs to come out. She, someone who knows she can control things to get what she wants, can't control love. She's thought about it and probably cursed her own limitations, but in her discussion with Aiden, she glosses over it. She gives him an answer that doesn't really say anything.
While fine for Aiden, the reader wants to know about what is going on in her as she is forced to reckon with this painful part of her existence. She has just achieved a major coup for the good guys, but her own life is in a sort of shambles and it hurts, but the reader doesn't get this. In some ways, she is the epitome of the "tough broad." The problem is, since she is the center of the story, we need her to be more than that. We need to hear about that struggle she's either coped with or still resents.
I think by redoing that conversation a little and bringing out that vulnerability, that humanity, the piece will have a much stronger resonance.
Also, considering that crossing genres is so popular right now, have you thought about expanding Summer's character in a novel? Your style and her abilities seem to lend themselves beautifully to that type of work.
This is a strong piece with a lot of humor it. I read through it as if it were a real monologue being delivered by someone on stage, and I think it is perfect for that sort of medium.
As a piece of writing, though it gets confusing in places. First, there is the use of the name Sam in the beginning. It seems to refer to a person and then to the store. I'm not sure exactly who or what Sam is throughout. Are you refer to Sam as the store being a hypothetical person? As a reader some clarification would be helpful.
Also, it would be very good if you established your relationship with Pam in the very beginning. Coming into it, as I read, I had no idea who the speaker was, even what gender they were. This made visualizing the relationship difficult. Now, if this were a spoken piece, it's a moot point.
However, the humor and grim reality of the piece shines through. The description of the places and the people as the couple goes through the trip is something everyone can relate to. I also really enjoyed all the commentary about the doctor's office and the paperwork.
I also enjoyed the tenderness at the end between the speaker and Pam. It felt so warm and comforting as opposed to the mundanity of the earlier part.
This is a great twist on the genre, very creative. And something that completely floored me when I got to it.
Technically, there is nothing jumping off the page at me as incorrect. I didn't notice any typos or grammar issues.
I would have liked to have had some more clues about Max's status at the beginning of the story. These can be very subtle, but it would help in that when the twist is introduced, the reader wouldn't be completely jarred from the story. One thing that would help tremendously would be to have Max go to the agency at night. Just that small detail, and I think the story would click along very nicely.
I loved your description of the agency and Molly. Although, I think you could have done more to make her a savvy business woman who's always looking for an angle. Perhaps by having her respond as the price goes up, including additional features, nothing slimy, just testing the waters.
Gary, on the other hand, I think needs to be a bit more jaded. When he finds out what Max is, he should be packing up and ready to go. This isn't worth his time anymore.
By creating these two side characters a little more realistically and a little more gritty, it would really help bring the world order you have in your story to life more.
As for Max, I think he's perfect. He goes through the story bordering on obsessive, which opens all sort of questions as to why he wants so badly to have Tommy resurrected. He says they're family, but he doesn't describe the relationship, all sorts of horrible things went through my mind. I also like the wistfullness you bring to Max and his carressing the grave, it really goes a long way to describing his affection for Tommy.
I think this could be a terrific story, I just think you need to bring some things out a bit more in it.
This story is very strong and powerful. It has all the elements of becoming a strong inspirational story.
You set out your characters well, Lucy is real, as is her evil aunt. I felt that the back story was given with just enough detail and brought out a lot of what was to come.
I think you could expand on Lucy's interactions with Ray a bit more, perhaps even bringing their break-up out in dialogue. Show us just what a creep he was, and how horrible he could be to the innocent girl he ruined.
Also, I would start your tale with the backstory and not Lucy's running away. Make it almost fairy tale like, because that what it really comes across as. A modern fairy tale, only this time the princess rescues herself from the horrible dragon.
I would try to bring the bus terminal and bus ride to life a bit more. Filling us in on all the people around Lucy. Showing us how similar and yet alien they are to her. Also, the kind woman who tries to help Lucy through childbirth is deserving of a bit more description, as is the farmer who loses a shirt. I think by bringing those two out a bit more, it will give the story a bit more realism.
Lucy and Riley's reunion needs to be lengthened considerably. It felt so fast, his accepting that she's on his doorstep to admitting his love for her. I felt we needed more a description of Riley, what he was like when they were young and the man he had become. It would also make her feelings about him more powerful.
This is a great start on something. I love the whole using a song to inspire a story. And I think you chose quite the winner here. I hope you rework this piece, because upon completion, this is something that would really be marketable.
I love the message this poem sends. It has heart and soul. The imagery is tight and really gives the reader an impression of the person who is speaking.
My only problem with the poem was the flow. I found at times it just clicked along, a nice easy read, and then at others it got choppy and didn't feel as tied together.
I'm not sure what to suggest, other than to read the poem out loud and see if your tongue trips you up. It might even be best to have someone else read it to you and see if they pick up the nuances you placed.
This is an incredible little tale, and my hat is off to you for doing it completely in rhyme.
At times I found the scheme was forced and that lines were added merely to complete the rhyme, this detracted a bit from the poem. It had a nice flow for the most part, but those forced lines really would chop it up.
I hate to make your task more difficult, but since this is a tale within a poem, I would really have liked to see more description of the various characters and their exploits. I think your pirates would have come to life more if they had scars and patches and peg legs.
Also, the fight between the four "heroes" and the Dark Star is very confusing and begging to be told in more detail. How did they get Ethel? What did she look like when she was found? What was the actual meat of the battle like? Things like that and the poem would almost leap off the page at you.
I would have given this a 3.5 normally, but the fact you were able to create a cohesive story bumped you up. The challenge you undertook wasn't a small one and you were able to pull it off reasonably well.
This is an incredible piece. At first I felt it was a little too rambling, too shocking for shocking sake. But as I got into it, into the character, into his life and his way of looking at things, I began to see how all the pieces fit and how the shocking was only because he couldn't be shocked anymore.
I've never read such a good description of being jaded and what it does to you before. I really can't think of anything that would improve on this piece, in many ways anything that is wrong with it only adds to the grittiness of the ambiance.
Your characters are real, the scenes are insane but have that ring of truth that make this piece say something. Also the flow is perfect, clicking along from one horrifying image to the next.
The twist of the whole thing being a suicide note is a great idea and a great capper to the entirety.
I like the message of this story and the way it intertwines with the supernatural, horror angle. I think you did a good job of bringing your message across without actually preaching to your audience.
However, you use a device, talking to your audience, that is very dangerous. It's an easy device to use and a difficult one to master. In your tale, I think you over do it in the beginning. The mother's fascination with horror films is really an unnecessary addition. It's enough that she has an over-active imagination and she has been paranoid about her son throughout his young life. You could weave in the horror film angle when the vulture first appears, thus making it seem cohesive with the rest of the story.
The scenes with the vulture work well, but I think a little dialogue from young Christian would make the mother's plight more heart-rending. It would give the reader a first-hand view of the little boy and the light he brings to his Mommy.
The climatic battle became a little muddled. I think if you broke up the paragraphs a bit, it would help keep the action straight. I liked the robin coming in, and the glow of warmth that came with it. Also, it might work if the vulture actually took the form of a demon, if only for a moment, thus satisfying the mother of her assumptions.
I also think that your final paragraph would have more oompf if you rewrote it as follows:
Now I know I'm not alone, and my heart aches for this woman I do not know. I wish she had been strong enough to see the robin.
You say at the beginning that this is not much of a story. I have to disagree. This is a lovely story with humanity and resonance.
I found the feelings expressed by the characters to be all to real and very much in keeping with the humanity of the gods that they portray.
The things that mainly bothered me was that they were too human. Here we are dealing with gods and goddesses and their only response when being angered are human ones. The destruction of the lotus is very good, but wouldn't she want more, to destroy more of her husband's symbols. Wouldn't she want to exact revenge not only on his things but on her replacements? And wouldn't this affect the human population as well? The believers, wouldn't they suffer under her wrath? I felt overtones of Hera and Hercules here and think that if they were explored further within the Egyptian setting, it would give the piece a more universal feeling.
Also, I would have liked a bit more physical description of the goddess. You give us a bit of Thoth, by describing as the Ibis god, but for those of us unfamiliar with the Egyptian pantheon, a physical description of the other players would be very beneficial in concocting our own image of what really transpired on that dock.
I really enjoyed the twist at the end. It gave a piece that seemed to be all description a much needed punch.
For the most part, your descriptions are very good, bringing to life the world that the Captain discovers.
However, I felt that in a lot of places the descriptions didn't do quite enough. You do try to hit on all the five senses in the piece, but I felt there were times you were telling the reader what things were rather than showing them to us. An example:
I enter the open park full of rosemary and sage. A sweet olive blooms near the low border of short azaleas. The effect on the olfactory senses is incredible.
Okay, most of us know what these things smell like, but what if we didn't? Does this garden smell pungent, spicy, fresh, does it bring back memories of summer or fall, is the smell precise meaning the Captain can separate the different odors, or is it an amalgam? Giving us details about the actual experience, instead of relying on the reader's would greatly help to bring the piece to life.
Also, I noticed that touch felt a bit neglected in the piece. Normally, it's smell that gets the short end of the stick, but here I wanted to know what the ground felt like on his bare feet. What did the buildings feel like, what did the stone feel like? What were the breezes like, did the air feel heavy or light, was it a comforting blanket or did it feel austere and distant?
What an incredibly sweet story. An "if only" story. I loved the way it built up and then flowed back down. Normally, I'm not a big fan of contrived endings but this was one was such a perfect circle that I think it worked out beautifully. The simplicity and neatness was really an asset here.
I noticed one typo that jumped out at me. It was mention. At some point it was mis-spelled. the only other piece of advice I can offer is, I think it would be good if the mystery woman wasn't there as the men got arrested. She doesn't appear at the resolution of any of the other matters, except in pieces, it might work out better if she appeared again in a piece here. The blue of the squad car being a bit bluer today, something like that.
This is a wonderful piece and definitely worthy of publication. I wish you the best of luck with it.
Wow! A pretty horrfying ending. The story moved along nicely, really showing the development of Josh as he discovered so many things about himself. I found his interactions with young Timmy and his mother to be very realistic. How many of us remember those days in high school?
I also liked the development on Mark. The hints at his troubled home-life and yet, still the senselessness of his behavior, especially when first shown nothing but kindness.
However, I found Josh's suicide a little too sudden. The Josh who was described wasn't in a desperate state, he was trying to hide, to appear normal and while the sudden attack and betrayal on the bus would indeed be traumatic, he was so close to the end of school, it didn't ring right. Perhaps if you included some of that desperation, his trying to make his way until that blissful day when he would be free, but underneath it building and building until the moment when he realizes that he is truly alone.
Also, I found that the only person in the story with any kind of objective human value is Josh. His mother comes across as distant, caring but distant. His friends are any number of negative things. It might give the story a more well-rounded-ness if you included someone similar to Josh. Someone also struggling but also kind.
I really found this eye-opening and an interesting read.
This is a great piece. It's full of humor and the unexpected.
The style is a bit difficult for a reader to get into, some warning in the blurb might help prepare us for the pure dialogue. I also think, and this is just my opinion, that quotation marks would really help us figure out where one left off and the other begins. That, however, is purely a style thing. I only mention it because I found myself reading so quickly through, that without the quotations to stop me, I was becoming confused.
I like the way you show a lot of emotion only through the words. One can really get a sense for the altar-waiter's pain. I also like the neat trick of not telling us which is which. It could as easliy be the groom throwing the birdseed, very nice.
This is a great piece and a lot of fun to read. Thanks so much.
This is a wonderful exploration of anger and the way it can take over our lives, from the perspective of being the angry one.
I like the repitition of the first stanza at the end, it brings the poem in a nice circle which reminded me of the circle anger can bring into existence.
The only thing that really hit me was the fact that the rhyme scheme didn't seem to work.
Hell and jail don't really work as rhymes and it really jarred me out of the poem as I read the two lines. However, this imagery is so strong that I would hesistate to drop it completely. You could easily rework it to be:
Is everyone damned to walk around in pure hell,
or is this our choice, our own personal jail [cell].
I think that would help the flow a lot more and give the reader a nice even reading throughout.
That is the sweetest story. I love the inter-play between Ben and Rosie. It had such a real ring of truth to it.
The whole scene at the party was well set-up. But I felt it was a little hurried. Zimmerman and Brad ran together for me. I realize they're both dumb jerks, but I would have liked to see each's particular version of dumb jerk.
Also, the party didn't quite fit right with what I know about teenagers. It's not something I can quite put my finger on, but there was something about the interaction that felt more like college and less like high school.
It might help if Rosie weren't quite so responsible and little more bratty in the beginning. Nothing major, but just that touch of drama queen that makes teenagers so endearing. Also, some more details about the other kids at the party, are there any geeks, or nerds? If it isn't just the cool kids, then a door opens up for you to have a dynamic where people are grateful that the attention is on Ben.
Also, I think you need to open the scene where he falls into the pool more. It felt too rushed. Nothing big, a couple of sentences about Rosie watching her brother potentially drown.
The set-up of this story is wonderful. The anxiety of sitting in the waiting room, and all the unimportant details that go through Brad's mind as he tries to find anything to pin his mind on, other than his daughter.
However, after the doctor leaves and Anita and Brad start discussing their relationship, it loses its reality. Their argument, while something two people might have in the privacy of their own home, doesn't have the passion I would expect in a couple arguing in public.
Perhaps if you explored their mental states a bit more, it might help give the reader that sense of passion that's prompting them to start yelling at each other.
Also, you might want to really go over the dialogue. Read it out loud. A lot of the time, it felt too perfect, too smooth for two people arguing. She accuses him of yelling, and he's calm enough to tell her that his voice is raised in frustration, but he's in a public place? It doesn't fit. Have him snap back he's not yelling and then upon reflection he talks about his frustration, maybe after catching the eyes of some of their audience.
Also, I wouldn't resolve the whole debate in this one scene. Leave them both some room for doubt. How many people decide to end a marriage and are 100% sure of it? It would also provide some hope for the reader.
Your descriptions are amazing. Every scene is brought to life in such a touching and unique way. Realizing this is an excerpt, please understand if some of my comments appear slightly off-base. I am coming at this as a stand-alone piece.
Technically, you have a lot of complicated sentences. You need to go over them and check your punctuation. I noticed quite a few areas where commas were really needed to clarify the sentence. I wouldn't limit the complexity of your sentences as they add a wonderful ambiance, but be a little more vigilant in the punctuation.
From a character perspective, I found some of the characters too perfect. It might help to tone them down and give them a few little foibles.
I like the concept of this story, St. Nick coming for a visit. However, I think if you made his arrival a little more subtle it would add a lot. Maybe have his appearence be less of a giveaway and have the children sense his presence. That's why they follow, and as he peruses the various holiday items, his appearence to them and Walker changes. I liked the fact that Nick knew what Walker was thinking, it really adds to the story.
All in all, I am eager to read the novel.
Thanks,
Nighala
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