Aw, I love it. I especially like the first two stanzas, and the last two. Start well, end well. It would be nice if you wrote it a little bit longer, but I suppose you did keep it short and sweet. I can never write poetry very well, so I am always impressed when I see one like this. Great job!
It's an interesting story, but it needs a little more imagination put into it. The last half seems like the typical, "She liked him and he liked her, but he didn't think she liked him." I don't know if one of your keys are broken or not, but it seems there are a lot of, "รข" where there shouldn't be. My suggestion would be to think of a story outside of the box, and try using stronger verbs and descriptive adjectives.
I really like your descriptions in this short story! The second to last paragraph I enjoyed especially. His, "disproportion between memory and present." gave me a good laugh. It wasn't very clear to me why he thought the creatures were not at fault, but that's just me. Keep up the good work!
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