The writing is good, but I hate to read about somebody going through such a depressed and lonely state. I used to be in a similar boat, having dealt with depression my entire life, and only recently having been successful with fending off extreme anxiety which plagued me for a couple of years. My advice to you? Understand that there is no darkness. All these thoughts of you making yourself out to be a beast in a cage that may release its hatred among those who damned him is foolish. I apologize for being blunt and crass if that makes you feel worse, but I only say what I feel you need to hear. Don't ever believe that the person inside you that you feel is this "caged beast" is separate from the person who seeks the greater good. For myself, I used to have horrific thoughts of hurting people in disturbing ways that caused me pain. I used to make more of a problem out of these thoughts as opposed to accepting them. I felt as though I was disturbed in some sense, thinking perhaps that's what made me different. I was selfless, loving, courteous, optimistic, and someone who wanted to fight for a world that everyone could be happy in. Being such a person, when I started to feel bitter and anger towards a world that wasn't as kind to me, I thought something was wrong with me and that I would one day wake up a "bad" person who could no longer be kind and loving in return. I was wrong and it took me a long time to accept my anger and sadness, to not make myself feel guilty for feeling such emotions and thinking such thoughts, but it happened. There will be a point you reach when, you're depressed, yet deep down inside you know that you'll be ok soon and that this will pass. I honestly hated that feeling at first. It was a mixture of being depressed and optimistic and the depressed part of me was upset that it could no longer fully take over me. It took me awhile to want and crave the happiness and optimism after living with depression and insecurities for so many years. I'm not sure what your situation is, and I hope that you don't find it pretentious of me to offer advice without knowing you, but I hope that you find contentment with the problems that stress you out. It may sound weird, but if you need a person to write to for any reason whatsoever, I don't mind writing or taking time to help a stranger should you feel that it would. Take care and hope your day goes good
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