Hello and welcome to a new adventure. May I review part of your short work? I will do it in a way that maybe you have never experienced before but you may find it helpful and it may help you "see" in a different way. It may help you see how others, more particularly, how I "see" your words.
I will put words in a parenthesis to show you what I think as I read. (Like this)
So here goes.
To ponder, to dream, to ruminate and to meditate is to muse,
(okay I agree but why this comma? I expected a period.)
I recalled,
(now, because of this comma before and now a comma after "recalled")
I am confused: "I recalled" what?)
footsteps crunching.
(But now you mention footsteps crunching. Now I am triply confused. Are you recalling footsteps crunching? Or are you recalling something you had been thinking before that to ponder, to dream...????)
(Look at the different ways to start this story. I know that you have a feeling in you about this. You have a deep feeling that you want to share with us so that we can all "see" what you see. I get some flashes of it but your words confuse me. That is why it is so important, at first, to show it to others and gauge their reactions. You will understand that what you think you write is not what you think we read and see. Manipulate the words, find the ones that seem to say it right, try it again and eventually you will find the right balance between what you say and what the reader "sees".)
{{Footsteps crunching, I recalled that to ponder, to dream...}}
{{I recalled as I heard my footsteps crunching that to ponder...}}
Embracing my realization, I watch amazed as a circular, shiny wood stump mysteriously starts to glow brighter. Could it be…..I wonder…..is this a gathering spot?
Light burst(bursts?)from the circular wood stump. In its golden glow fly small winged woodland creatures, gleefully sunbathing, bouncing within the light beams. The muses are absorbing radiant light energy! Sparkling and twinkling as they dance delightedly, my gaze is mesmerized. (Your gaze cannot be mesmerized, it is like saying "my look is mesmerized" but "you" can be mesmerized. Although you can saw 'I gaze, mesmerized'. There is a huge difference )
Laughing and smiling at their antics, I reflectively consider this parenthetical idea: musing near a muse is a-musing! (Great play with words. I think you nailed the ending)
Hahaha. Loved it.
I did give this piece a 4.5 stars rating. I'm not quite sure why I did not give it 5. I think I need to start somewhere and when I think that there is a slight chance that there is room for improvement I go with my gut feeling.
And I loved the story. It rings so true, it has good continuity, it is without spelling and grammar problems, well balanced. Let me put it this way: When I write, I let the piece sit for a while then I come back to it and read it as if I had never read it before. If enough time has passed, I feel more detached from it. I read it and listen to it and ask myself if this is the exact feeling I wish to convey. I always think it can be improved somewhat but I cannot put my finger on it. Sometimes I find a different word, a different tone and the words seem to fall in place without my knowing how this happened. This is how I feel about this piece. I wish I could be more helpful.
Keep it up.
Hello,
I read your poem and I like it though I get a sense that you may not be completely satisfied with the way it is written. I don't know why I am thinking this way. Maybe I am only projecting my own feelings about it.
A small technical issue for me is the punctuation. I know that poetry (and even other forms of writing) is highly subjective, even with capitalization and punctuation but is there a need for a comma after the first line and the second line? You capitalized after a comma. I think the first line naturally flows into the second line. The comma asks us to pause and a period asks us to take a breath.
Now if I look at the penultimate (next to last) line, again I see a comma before the word but. Sometimes a pause after the word 'but' has more power. Would your second last line benefit from having the word 'but' added there so that your last line can start with the word 'I'?
If you are like me, you will review your poem later to tweak it and make more changes to reflect your new understanding of the process of "losing a good friend".
I think your poem warrants 4 stars. If you look at it again and again with the critical eye, not the eye of criticism but the eye of innovation, curiosity, of wishing to make it better, feeling the words again, all this will allow you to progress in ways you never imagined possible.
Good luck with all your writing.
Ninesided
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