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Review Requests: OFF
574 Public Reviews Given
694 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Impulsive, honest. Trying to be helpful.
I'm good at...
Spotting 'telling', typos, superfluous adverbs, cliches, verbosity; I'm really good at re-writing, creating examples of how to fix things, especially how to get deeper into the character and how to provide a fuller sensory experience
Favorite Genres
Flash fiction, slice of life, literary, anime, fantasy, young adult, mystery, horror
Least Favorite Genres
Spiritual, Romance
Favorite Item Types
Statics
Least Favorite Item Types
Interactive Items. Images.
I will not review...
Pornography, anything involving cruelty to animals. Items of people who do not return reviews.
Public Reviews
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Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

OVERALL COMMENTS

I enjoyed reading this immensely, great food for thought. What can I say? More, please, keep writing!

INLINE COMMENTS

Pakistan has been a democratic state since its in the next sentence you have ‘her’? check? inception in 1947. The country has had her ’its’ in this case in my view share of military rules didn’t you say it was a democracy since inception? Unless you state otherwise in my view ‘since’ implies from that time up to the present? and martial laws, the majority of which arguably proved to be detrimental, or have been thought to be so. not sure whether there’s an added value after saying essentially it has been argued that x, adding that it has been thought that x . Shorten? Democracy has always been considered the way forward ’way forward’ sounds a bit stilted, and why? for Pakistan and the country has seen democratic times too as before, I got the impression it is (and always has been) a democracy just based on this text. But what has democracy actually given to Pakistan? If one peeks into history, one would realize that the progress ah now I get the thing about ‘way forward’. You’re jumping ahead a little here in my view; where is it stated that the purpose of democracy is progress? that took place in the era of General Ayub (a dictator) is unparalleled; it has never been matched by any democratic setup in Pakistan or world-wide at any time in history?. Democracy, thus, has never really flourished in Pakistan again, the beginning sounded differently…maybe specify at the start by saying e.g. has been democratic in name only, or claims to be a democracy? Just a thought…and the country seems to be deprived of all the fruits democracy seems to bear in other countries this sentence is odd, it’s like saying “apple trees do not grow here, yet there are no apples.” Whereas it is a logical consequence no apple trees-no apples. Are democracy and Pakistan just not compatible? Or are there some serious flaws with the ‘rule of majority’ in Pakistan? Here’s my take on it:

What is democracy? It can aptly be defined as ‘the rule of the people; by the people and for the people’, or in other words ‘the rule of the majority’. Democracy presents a, seemingly, very efficient and impressive political system, as it gives the power to the common men to elect their representatives strictly speaking you need to distinguish between direct and the modern forms, who would look after the affairs of the country on their behalf. This is a complete opposite of ‘Monarchy’, because the state is run, in a way that’s like a bit pregnant; they do not run the country in most cases, the elected politicians do, by the people themselves. But what if the majority is incapable of running the country? I think u mean: incapable of understanding the issues involved in running etc., and therefore cannot make an educated decision who to vote for? What if the literacy rate of a country is 49%, including those who are able to spell and write their names? What if the majority is incapable of understanding what is best for them? What then?

Such is the situation in Pakistan. The majority of the population is illiterate, and so their priorities are, a bit somewhat?, misplaced. Let me present an example: Recently, a project for tree plantation was initiated by one of the provincial governments. This was, indeed, an act for the greater good of the people, but the irony was that it was criticized by the majority, because they felt that they needed roads and fly overs more than trees. you haven’t demonstrated that trees are better than roads etc. make your case first?

Another problem is that the majority are stuck in social differences. People are divided by religion, language, sect, ethnicity, color, and what not. The majority here is self-centered. The representatives are elected from the majority, and so are no different from it. In a democratic system, the leaders are a reflection of the majority. This system can do wonders where the majority is literate and understands its the greater good, but in less privileged countries, it can lead to downfall of what?.

An argument that could arise here might be that even if the majority and the leaders don’t understand the greater good, what’s wrong with it’that’ to avoid confusion?? Why can’t the people just live like they want to, under leaders who are busy serving themselves rather than the people are you discussing democracy or have you switched topic to bureaucracy or corruption? After all it’s their tax money. In reply, I’d just say that it’s a leader’s job to see and understand what a common man cannot. This is what makes him/her a leader. A leader should understand the difference between ‘temporarily good’ and ‘greater good’. The problem is that in such countrieswhat countries?, the leaders are self-centered, who can only see their own good and nothing else, because they are a reflection of the majority. The people who can see the bigger picture, who can really help the country are, indeed, a minority. They are capable, but not popular. Hence, such people never get a chance to become leaders, because they are unlike the majority. that is a great thought, aptly put, but needs more elaboration If a system doesn’t bring forward such people then it, certainly, needs to be reviewed. No wonder the fruits of democracy are not tasted in such countries.



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Review of Random excerpt  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

i'm here to review your text. Let me say right at the beginning that I'm no expert. Feel free to discard any or all of my comments. And above all let nothing ever discourage you from writing.

I thought the task was interesting, to create a story based on 4 randomly chosen words. You made a good story out of it. So convincing in effect that I have trouble imagining another solution to this task...

I have only two comments: One concerns the relative importance the key-words have in your story...while the dance studio comes to life, the broken wristwatch and peppermints are only mentioned, without playing a big role, and the potential of a hug that goes too far hasn't been fully realized in my view......
Second comment concerns the 'telling', there's quite a bit of it e.g. "and was looking forward to going to my dance class"; try digging deeper to 'show' us the experience what's that like...what does it look like when people can't wait to dance? isn't being late a contradiction? maybe that's the obstacle in her way, people, traffic and she cuts corners, jumps queues, runs...what?

Best of luck with your story and keep writing


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3
Review of Outside the Box  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I am here to review your poem. Just bear in mind that I'm no poet, you get more of a reader's opinion:

I liked the title, I could relate as I've thought a lot about out-of-the-box-thinking lately...

Great opening line, perhaps "How do we scale the mountains of our mind? might be even stronger than "hike"?

2nd + 3rd line nice suggestion of "valley of fear"

tunnels appealing-fresh view on tunnels, good writing in my view

I loved the musicality of the 2nd stanza, soaring indeed

I was not sure about the meaning of the third stanza for example "we no longer need in the sunny sky"-what is no longer needed? tunnels (my guess) or 'judgement and fear"

"when they see you open" - the tunnels? (humans?)

"free as you fly" the tunnels? (humans?)

Thanks so much, here a reduction/reflection inspired by your poem:

do your own mountains
never known imagination soars
we no longer mock views
free as air


Best of luck with your writing


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4
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Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,

I’ll give it a go, I’ll comment as I read (but bear in mind that these are just one reader’s opinions):
Overall: I applaud you for taking up this topic. Your argument might be stronger if you clarified the structure of your text. As I understand it the bullet points are
- Some facts and numbers about orcas in captivity
- Argument from similarity (intelligence, life span)
- Argument from fairness (how would humans feel living in a box)
- Argument from danger (your claim that the animals resent the trainers did not quite convince me)
- Appeal to the reader for help
I think you could make your case stronger reminding us that they are mammals and the name ‘killer whale’ does not mean they are evil
Also I’d suggest to elaborate on options what readers could do to help? Is there an organization, protest group? Who could they write to…etc.
Best of luck with this!

IN-LINE COMMENTS

"…
-Excerpt from "Death at Sea World: Shamu and the Dark Side of Killer Whales in Captivity Written by David Kirby perhaps put this at the start-very long quote


The first point perhaps better the first example/ of animals in captivity that experience cruelty I would like to touch on, are the infamous orcas located at Sea World organizations.

...

Some people want us to fix their living conditions. But why not just let them go? Their they’e animals just like us, they have thoughts and emotions that are similar, if not identical, to humans those of humans. Humans don't have to live in small cages, so why should animals be subjected to such treatment? that’s not necessarily convincing, though I agree with the general sentiment

…that senior trainers have been killed by orcas. These animals know what they are doing too are you saying they are capable of murder? Doubtful…, but they've been treated so horribly they just want to do it.

Even if you think you cant help this cause how?, the least you can do is spread the word. The more people who know, the more things may be done to help.

…After 30 years and multiple deaths, the tragic story of Tilikum is nearing its end. His offspring though, will make sure a legacy as 'great' as his lives on. As long as orcas are kept in a synthetic environment; as long as they are treated poorly, deaths like that of Dawn Brancheau and other trainers will continue to rein over the beautiful creature we call, no comma an orca.


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5
Review of TRUTH IS ONE  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,

I got interested reading your piece reading a review of it.

I'm no expert in this stuff, so I'll keep to what I think I know:

...Wisdom and Truth it is Four; for One plus One plus One plus One plus One equals Four.I count five, sorry, nit-picking, I know

perhaps also seven virtues, ten commandments...And:

"Number ten symbolizes the completion of a cycle.
It is the number of heaven and the world and universal creation. number 10
Ten is the very first number that needs a separate part.
Number ten was the holiest of numbers according to the Pythagoreans. They took their oaths by number ten." quoted from http://mysticalnumbers.com/number-10/

Just as an idea you might include a note which tradition you follow if any...numerology? some bible/spiritual group?

Have fun writing...


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6
6
Review of A MAZE IN POETRY  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I'm not a poet, but I'm willing to give you my impressions as I read:

The title piqued my curiosity

...When you place them right it will lead you home.shouldn't that be "they" will lead...?

nice rhymes and good last line, you definitely made it to the finishing line.

Have fun writing and never, ever stop!
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Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I felt inspired by our discussion, so here's another review for you. Just bear in mind that this is just one reader's opinion. Do not ever let anything discourage you from writing!

We all know the industrial revolution as the cornerstone of the progress of mankind. perhaps a cornerstone? there was the invention of fire & the wheel...

The era before the revolution is considered to be similar to ‘the dark ages’ by an average person. The people who lived prior to the revolution are thought to have a close resemblance to cave men.-that's a tiny bit exaggerated don't you think? there's still a big difference between dark ages and cave men, metal-forging comes to mind...

Industrial revolution, or industrialization for short, is the term used for the development of industries in the British do you mean Isles/islands?, which quickly spread throughout Europe like a fire, and eventually to much of the world.

... Are all the claims regarding the divinity of capitalism actually true, or is it a two sided affair? divinity is a little bit too strong in my view?

...social and economic problems the majority of humanity faces today...

... Are our thoughts not conformed shaped? by our society?

... True happiness comes from giving and not receiving. true

thanks for another thought-provoking piece, indeed, capitalism, unchecked, shows a very ugly face
keep thinking, keep writing!
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8
Review of The Academic Lies  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,

you've probably worked really hard on this essay. I’ll try to review as you asked …My comments are helpfully meant, but feel free to ignore them...in the end you are the author and know best where you're going with your essay.

I had a bit of trouble what the point (thesis, claim…) of your essay is…is it that the things we are taught in school/at university are (some?, all?) false (deliberate falsehoods?)
The title states “An Example of Today's Academic Lies”, but the text gives if I count correctly two: Darwin’s theory of evolution and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Even though you focus on the latter.

Reading your argument, I feel that you’d need to underpin your argument with more evidence (and references) to convince me that there is indeed misrepresentation of Maslow’s Hierarchy and, furthermore that it is done deliberately, and that it is part of a world-wide conspiracy that pervades Academia?

Specific comments:

“It is a common perception that everything we are taught in school is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” …perhaps this could be called a ‘belief”, and it is certainly not true that schools claim to teach “…truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth”, which is a term that is only used in Court… Regarding sciences, especially natural sciences one hopes that the currently as best hypotheses accepted theories are taught…also there’s a natural time lag between cutting edge science and theories finding their way into school-bocks…finally if contradictory theories (as is frequently the case) are taught, e.g. evolution and creationism, then teaching the truth cannot be said to be the sole objective (here it would rather be to teach people to evaluate arguments)

“All the theories that we know and have learnt are as they were originally proposed by their respective thinkers, right? Wrong! Were you thinking that you know Darwin’s theory of evolution as it was proposed by Darwin? Well, sorry to disappoint you.” I think most theories are not couched in ancient language, and taught in a modern form…i.e. the bits we still hold to be true…i.e. we do not teach much of Newton’s thinking on alchemy…I think you confuse teaching the history of science (where you would stick with the original version, outdated language and mistakes and all) with the teaching of the science itself…

“Kind of ironic isn’t it that the place where you expect to get knowledge and truth is the same place where you are fed fallacies in the name of knowledge?” Philosophically speaking it is naïve to expect Knowledge and Truth to be pure and available to be dispensed just like that anywhere…on a more human level, simplifications do happen, which are not lies..

“One such lie is the Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs. …” I’m in principle familiar with the pyramid. If it is indeed true that Maslow never put this scheme forward, but only a longer one, than that is all you need to show with references. Also it would help if you could research where and when first modified the pyramid. If they claimed it was Maslow’s when it wasn’t that would be false (but it would be OK if they said it was ‘based on Maslow’, giving him credit for the original idea).

…the whole thing about self-actualization and the dig against Miley Cyrus I couldn’t really follow…does one really have to get personal and finger-point at individuals?

I get that you like the elaborate pyramid version better, but why can’t other people fancy the short version? Again you’d need the exact quote that the author you’re quoting got wrong, or where he misrepresented Maslow…

And if there is a fallacy out there, the likelihood that more authors will repeat it is actually very high as you are normally expected to study fairly broadly the literature published regarding your topic (for example the mistakenly high content of iron of spinach spread widely.

“I can’t remember any text book in which I was taught to love nature and humanity, or to learn for the sake of knowing, and I’m sure neither can you.” Go forth and study philosophy...

“All our lives, we are told the amended truth, or as I like to call it ‘academic lie’. These lies make us conform to the present system without challenging anyone or anything. Maslow’s hierarchy is just a small example.”-let’s say, you had proven your case against this author that he hijacked the Maslow theory …from there it’s a big leap to say that all that academia teaches are lies…BTW, this area of human behavior / psychology typically abounds with theories and unproven concepts…think of Freud’s ”death wish” (pure invention for explaining behavior that did not fit his grand theory)…and the exaggerated importance he gave to the sex drive, based on a tiny number of pathological cases, from which he just decided to extrapolate to the great majority of ‘normal’ people (catastrophic scientific error in today’s view)

“Just think about all the things which we’ve believed to be true all our lives, but they are instead lies which prevent us from becoming a threat to the current system.” I’d have liked more examples

“..just a coincidence? You be the judge!” I don’t think that one case of misrepresentation (which you haven’t proven beyond all doubt in my opinion, nor have you proven malicious intent) is enough to stampede us into abandoning Academia as “all lies”…

Overall, I liked that you argued for the importance of e.g. aesthetics if I understood you correctly. I would like to read from you what / how you would teach in school i.e. focus more on the positive?

Best of luck with your writing


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9
9
Review of The Cycle  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

I am here to return the favor with a review for one of your texts. While my comments are helpfully meant they are in the end only one person's opinion, so please feel free to take them on board or ignore them as you wish. Having said that here goes:

"I'm dead comma right?" he asked aloud.

...Strangely enough he did not feel fear when his feet did not feel ground, but at the same time he was fixed at his position. are the 5 initial fs intentional? together with the final f of enough and the 2 ss I'm getting a sense of fluttering, flapping, whispering ...

...

"Enlighten me comma please." ...
...
But then, for a brief instant he saw things from his friendapostrophes point of view.

A memory long forgotten.

Maybe he was nine years old then. Just about the age when he could understand about poor people. He had just received a new water pistol from a relative, one of those ones who where the squirt travelled over 10 ten feet. The first person he wanted to show it to was the neighbourapostrophes boy.
...

His face absorbed the first wash, before he bounced back and landed on his butt. Water was inside his nose and mouth, and lung. He coughed violently trying his best to breathe. It was hard, but while his lungs painfully cleared, he was unsure if this was a life or death moment. ...

...
Reuben felt shocked and if alive he would have looked around in confusion.

...

Deep. Good story. I found the end a bit depressing, that he goes back 5 times to make things better only to make them worse and worse?

Keep writing and reviewing!


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10
10
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi,

I have noted that perhaps an important part of the feedback in reviews is missing: Why people choose not to review. I've therefore decided that for a little while I'll do what I did not do before...give people feedback on why I don't/won't review.

I'm hoping this challenge will prove helpful to authors and stir up reviewers.

Your title intrigued me (I like horror and am on a roll reading / writing about Zombies it seems, it just happened), that's why I am here...
I did not like the accompanying statement "...I'll edit this piece in a few weeks..." as my time is valuable and if you're not keen there are plenty of authors that are grateful for quick feedback so they can get on with it...that nearly put me off reviewing your text

But with my new resolution to hang in there I soldiered on.

I read your opening: " It is evening, and the sun is setting before us. Across from us, the wooden shack we are to sleep in looms up, seemingly touching the sky. However, to get to it, we will have to cross the lake, which, though shallow enough for a child to walk in, will make for a wet and tiresome trudge, and we will not reach the safety of the house until nightfall. Yet there is no choice. Tall pine trees make the surrounding forest pitch black, and we - Mandy and I - are accompanying a group of almost twenty children no older than seven. Water over mud and roots anytime, I decide."

I did not understand it at the first reading. I read it a second time. Now I understand it, but it really is -at least for me-an unsurmountable obstacle.

Instead of just clicking away, I'll try and tell you why: I can't empathize or sympathize with anything you so invitingly spread out because there's no character, no Point of view, for whom i can feel with, cheer for, be concerned for...who is "us"? tell us, or it doesn't matter whether the sun sets or explodes...at the third reading of the paragraph I'm beginning to 'get it"..."us/we=Mandy and I" (who is this I anyway) who are somehow in charge of almost twenty six-to seven year olds and have to bring them safely across a shallow lake before night-fall.

Now that's a scary premise, that's a story I want to read...are the children tired/scared/trusting? How do the people responsible feel...scared, anxious, desperate, self-doubting...what?

Much more drama please, and no 'telling' but 'showing"...maybe you could start with

"Finally, the lake," I whisper to Mandy, and yell to the twenty six-to seven year olds stumbling half-asleep along behind us to stop and rest. They pretty much drop where they stand.
"Rest?" hisses Mandy and indicates with her chin the blood-red setting sun.
"We'll be OK."
She raises her brows.
I say, "Whatever we do, we won't be there before night falls."
The color drains off her face. "What are you saying?"
My eyes are glued on where across from us, the wooden shack we are to sleep in looms up, seemingly touching the sky.
I take a deep breath and nod. "Water over mud and roots."
"You want to take them to wade across the lake?!" she whispers.
"It's shallow enough for a child to walk in, and yes, it will make for a wet and tiresome trudge, and yes, we will not reach the house until nightfall." I sound tired, which I am, but I mustn't sound weak. So I explain myself, losing valuable minutes of light. "There is no choice. Walking around will take much longer, and the tall pine trees make the surrounding forest pitch black..."
Mandy's eyes are wide in her ashen face. I can read her thoughts as she looks at the tired kids entrusted to us. What if they fall or twist an ankle? In the lake they will drown, whereas in the woods...
"I've decided," I said.
"The lake it is," she said and turned to get the kids going again.

...that's not the greatest writing but it perhaps gives you an idea...try to work in some cute factor for the kids and use sensory detail to foreshadow the worst would be my advice...

Good luck with your piece
11
11
Review of The Zombie Virus  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
hi,

since you reviewed a text of mine I'm here to return the favor: I picked this from your portfolio because of the Zombie motif.

Overall: I sort of liked it. You took a fairly good shot at a well-covered topic...the parasites were not too original, but it was interesting to get the inside view of what it feels like to turn into a zombie...I loved the zombie goats...that felt fresh...the 'mists' and the vague communication from the parasite (and perhaps other zombies?) could be clarified and developed more ...However, it just fell short of horror and scary, at least for me...the reason being that I didn't really get to know or care for the main character (or any other character) first i.e. before the horror unfolds...the regular updates from the news, while well written (you 'got' the style of reporting 'spot' on) felt even more distant...The end felt a bit rushed to me, as though you were in a hurry to wrap it up...and the sudden twist that the Zombie-apocalypse suddenly brings about world-peace I couldn't follow, needs more elaboration in my view. In particular clarify: is world peace meant people living in peace (why) or a world without war because all people are dead
Execution-wise the text is pretty neat, but I was distracted by head-hopping i.e. shifts in POV all over the place. the reader experience was not as strong as it could be, as there's more 'telling' than 'showing'. There was almost no sensory experience that stayed with me except a little touch (parasite moving) and hearing (the voices). Your story needs in my view much more sensory details...how does flesh feel, taste and smell like to a Zombie? do they see colors? movement only? how does the hunger really feel? is there an internal feeling of horror as the original personality dies? etc. you get the idea...I really hope you are not offended by these comments. I'd love to read an elaborated, fully developed version of your story.

Kudos to you for tackling the subject and best of luck for your writing in general


IN-LINE COMMENTS

... swarming to the opening door of a limousine.
...yelling loudly-'telling' and unnecessary in my view, also can you yell and not be loud??
...They were all disappointed when the important man spoke.-this whole sentence is 'telling', I'd suggest to delete it
...A man and woman with plastic good looks and expensive business attire stared in a practiced manner at the camera facing them. The man spoke in a calm and clipped voice.-in whose POV are we? seems like omniscient...
... It started with a bump.-to me this suggests someone bumping into someone or a bump in the road...perhaps 'lump' would be clearer?
... craving the solitude
...Dreams of blood and slaughter filled his subconscious vision-how does he know? You've just told us they're subconscious, no?
...blinked hard in incredulousness-'telling' and too wordy
... many of these victims have missing body parts and flesh. -actually, they don't. Have them. They're missing...rephrase?
... "Nevertheless, I am just going to take a sample to send for some tests," the doctor produced a small syringe...period not comma as you're using an action tag (produced) OR rephrase as a dialogue tag e.g. said the doctor and produced....
... Jacobsen started in surprise.-'telling'again and feels like head-hopping [I'll leave it at that, and not point out further instances of 'telling' or POV glitches, I think you get the idea]
...The moonlight was his new sun. - nice line
...A voice. Jason whirled around...-in my view a paragraph break should be inserted between what happens and his reaction [I'll leave it at one example of this issue]
...She panicked for no reason apparent to the human eye...out of POV and sounds like author intrusion
...even as the being and the goats ate. - perhaps "fed" would be more adequate?
... 'possession beetles' -earlier you described them as "centipede-like'"?
...the desires of the ethereal-what's that? clarify?
... it became the one true unification for world peace.-do you mean 'unifying factor'?



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12
12
Review of Ocean Moon  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,

I'm not a poet so you get no technical review but more of a reader's impression from me:

I love the title. I dove into the poem with gusto, so to speak and then hit the ground in the second line: I didn't understand. I needed to go back and re-read the lines carefully to overcome the obstacle of "an ocean powerful", which I translated as a powerful ocean. Ok, poetic licence. Possibly even intentional, simulating the crash?
The next two lines sound beautiful, they enthralled me, despite me noticing at the same time that I didn't understand half of what was going on. Re-reading closely: Even after looking up "burgeoning" I'm not too sure what if anything this adds to "swells" regarding meaning...sounds beautiful, though...am guessing Sanderling's a bird...looked it up in wikipedia, pretty https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sanderling...
found audio-files of the bird's call here if anyone's interested http://www.xeno-canto.org/species/Calidris-alba

After that the second stanza was plain sailing, as was the third.

I liked the ending. Deep currents indeed. I got a haiku-like feeling of experiencing the sights and sounds of the ocean, of being there.

Thanks for re-introducing me to our ancestral home, the ocean...

Best of luck with your writing


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13
13
Review of Struggling  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi fendi,

I am no poet, but I'll give this a go:

Today is here
but icapital I for the first person singular am not.
Time has stopped
as life is caught.


good first 2 lines, strong opening.
I like the incomplete rhymes not/stopped/caught...it works. The meaning of "life is caught" is not totally clear to me...time stopping somehow evokes in me the image of a clock-mechanism, which stops as something is caught in it...further associations are that of being caught as in trapped (this is probably an association prompted by the title "struggling")...

The sun is shining comma in my opinion
but there is no light.
Holding on comma?
I've lost the fight.


nice contrast here in the first 2 lines. The next 2 lines: this could mean the realization that while holding on the fight is already lost OR that holding on (clinging to) anything is not the right thing to do, that one must in the Buddhist way of thinking 'let go', 'detach' from everything, that struggling regardless for what equals suffering?

Reaching forward
thereapostrophes a struggle.
Caught in the rift
I find a bubble.


Not sure how to interpret this -struggle for progress yielding a bubble, perhaps meaning a thing of little or questionable worth, or inflated worth likely to burst/vanish? Hmmm...

Captured in side should be one word "inside"
I start to fly.
Into the darkness
I wave goodbye.


This sounds as though the struggle ends with the narrator encapsulated in the bubble taking flight...is he released from struggle and resumes his progress reaching higher and higher? Or is he caught in the shiny bubble, illusion? But it seems that the darkness of the earlier line "there is no light" is left behind, as the hero, presumably released from struggle, takes off in his shiny sphere...(for some reason I am reminded of Hieronymus Bosch)...for antiquity the sphere was the symbol of perfection

Beautiful, thought-provoking. Thanks for posting and best of luck with your writing.

PS If you liked this review perhaps take a peek at one of my pieces that are up for review? But no pressure


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14
14
Review of Hero Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi John,

I found your stuff on the Review Spot and took a look at this.

I'm no poet but I like haiku, which are also extremely short, so I'll tackle this.

I liked it. It's deceptively simple but the first two lines, each separately, resonate with heartfelt emotion, outcries of love and sadness.

The following two lines contain factual information, their dry tone both making the impossible, magical believable and their dryness hinting at strong emotion.

I can imagine this as part of a novel with the narrator setting out to revenge his/her hero. The dryness suggests dogged determination to utterly destroy the enemy.

Good fantasy stuff
Keep writing


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15
15
Review of forever  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi spirit,

Your piece resonated with me as I've done some thinking about living forever, too, and I thought I’d give you a review.

Some words up front: I’m not an expert writer, only a passionate reader and reviewer, so please take my comments as helpfully meant suggestions only, feel free to take them on board or ignore them. Above all let no criticism discourage you from writing, ever. Critiques mean that people are taking the time to help make your writing even better, that your work is that good.

I liked the opening sentence “Life, to be alive.”

…there were times I wished for it's destruction. – should be “its”

The wars fought on this world are many punctuation missing some for pride, others for revenge, many for greed, almost all were started from the people's ideals. What I hate the most though is are the weapons mankind has made…

In this world I've see humanity's worst qualities a bad quality sounds self-contradictory, perhaps better: traits?… but then icapital I think of the potential …

These are the times icapital I see humanity for the potential it has, but humanity will always try to divide people by what makes us unique. In nature many animals choice choose leaders…

Sometimes icapital I believe myself to have become disillusioned … a I can't remember them …

All in all I had great fun reading and reviewing. Check out my piece ‘Apocalypse now’ if you want to return the favor or just to see my take on living forever, but no pressure.

Best of luck with your story and have fun on writing.com


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16
16
Review of wake up call  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I saw your reviews and thought I'd review one of the items in your portfolio

Before I start the review 2 comments:
1) Kudos to you for writing in another than your mother tongue, please do not take it the wrong way if I point out what I take to be small flaws...it's all helpfully meant
2) I am not a poet, so if my suggested corrections ruin the rhythm try to work it out another way or ignore my comments

Overall this to me was a very moving piece. I am glad I read it, as I normally shy away from anything labelled Spiritual...

In-line comments

wake up call good title, I like the play with the double meaning that unfolds in the piecenot so keen on all lower case, but ok

These words are talking sense now Strong opening, good rhythm in my view, pressing forward, like heart-beat;not sure about 'talking' words, quite bold change from the usual expression of 'making' sense, but ok
First, do I know what does that mean? A call for Wake up! First, do I know what does that means? why the sudden use of a capital w? for emphasis?
That means i have had enough of wondering here and there, aimlessly and lamely.is "wondering" intentional, would be nice, or is it a typo for "wandering"?
As the time to meet the One who nourishes is near, very nearby now. Some work must be done on one’s self rather than working on the neighbours. nearby as you refer to time and not space should that be neighbours' meaning the neighbours' selves?
The first question that must come to one's mind, who is interested in working on one’s self is!I think this ought to be a ":" as the question follows in the next line?
Is something missing in my life?
Is that missing thing required at this very moment, now? Is it my priority to go after it?
Am i really wanting it or is it just an experimental journey to be on it?
Big questions?
So are there is going to be big solid answers? One needs to get ready to handle the answers and manage them, bare itbare or bear, and why suddenly "it" singular, instead of the plural "them" you have otherwise?, use them and make them useful.
Another lot of questions also must hit the heart and mind.
Am i doing it for myself only?
fFor my intimate fellows? intimate fellows sounds odd, perhaps better close friends?
fFor the humanity?
I believe that if one is adamant, he why shift to 'he' and not stay with 'one'? is going to make it to the top.
Waking up means seeing into.love this line
That is, in the nature of things. should be "into"
In a different manner all working won’t be that easy because I am drifted away I drifted away/I've drifted away/I am drifting away so far from the reality already. This shouldn't be disheartening though.
Because working on any of these levels will be all.love the grand sound
Nature of the God given rituals,here we really 'arrive' at something big
Ethics and manners, related to myself and my surroundings.{c}greeted with a great sound like bells or drums...we've reached the heart, so to speak...
May that be humans may that be any other species like animals, or plants. yeah
Thinking the natural way is good but it isn’t if the Creator is not in mind, heart and soul.yes
Here i am not talking of a religious being.
I am talking of a being that is legible of being called a human.I think I get what you mean but 'legible'? 'eligible' is correct but sounds stiff, 'deserving'? hmm...
Remembering the creator “Allah” in every move is waking up. great line! why the quotation marks? not necessary in my view
Doing things to make Him happy is waking up. that's a really wonderful thought, deep thinking, nice play with double meaning
Now the question is how to get going, how to start the job? interesting, here we have already a grand conclusion, and now there's like a deep taking of breath an encore, taking up presumably the theme and vary it... 'job'? that word stands out, but maybe it's like a slap or a fresh breath
The answer is really easy and cool.same comment for 'cool'
Dealing with one’s own self and with others, as every thing we are doing is just for hHim or He is watching over comma? is waking up.
Think of it when you were a baby, you would need mom at every moment of your breadth.
When you were a toddler you needed mom at every step, and you would want to find her, it wasn’t a big job though.
Start taking yourself as a baby not even a toddler and just look up to Him, He is closer to you than your mom and understands you far far better than your mom, you don’t even need to cry to tell Him that you are wet, sleepy, hungry or hurt, He knows it all and much much more about your wants and needs.
What is needed of you is having faith in Him and yourself at the same very moment,very same?
That moment will get you or vice versa.nicely put, fresh
How do I know,not sure about this comma, I think 'that' requires none that it is the moment i was waiting for and i must not waste it as my past life? if you are thinking. 'past life' would indicate re-incarnation,perhaps "must not waste it as the time already passed"
The thinking has already gotten you.
You have already captured the instant, your heartbeat is the one to ask, is that it? nice
Got the answer? May be from your heart or brain.
Usually heart understands better than the brain as brain may have questions and the heartbeat is smooth as it knows and is well connected to this moment.
You may feel light or heavy or lost you may say {I call it found}use normal brackets ()? because you were never that way ever normally 'never ever' is over-kill but ok and didn’t know how one feels.
It’s new to you and you are new to it.
Soon your feeling will be at ease.great line
As the reality has found you or the other way round.
Be patient don’t start running to friends or neighbours............
well I know you are excited, but........
At this happening moment one needs to be
sober,
calm,
happy and praying.
All of this is just for you.
Yours this world and hereafter. and there's the grand finale. I liked how the variation took us through a new 'round', even higher. The shortness of the lines is like gongs. The sun has risen. A new day has begun :)

Great stuff :)
Keep on writing.

PS the stars reflect that there's some polishing to do, for the idea and general execution I'd give five :)


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17
17
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I almost choked on the first sentence and was really tempted to click away...Defying all 'how-to' advice and writing guidance this mega sentence is all descriptive and quite long. which means no starting with the favorites dialogue and action. Then I thought that I was reading the outline of chapter 1...also because the text is so short. But after that it's all good...I liked the style/voice very much, it's sassy and genre-adequate I think...I'd definitely read on...good, if unusual start to your story with a lot of 'telling' of what is essentially an info-dump of background story...this just goes to show that if you can write you can break every rule in the book. Way to go! Best of luck with your novel :)


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18
18
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
sorry formatting problem - re-send

You asked for brutal honesty :)...

Firstly run spell-checker to make sure you use correct English:

"...and truly reflect who I am"-reflects
"... a story that show how I came to be who I am." -shows
Avoid slang as in 'like' "...It’s like self-confidence was a skill I could never pick up" and overuse of 'just' as in "fear of public speaking is just so great, I just can’t neglect it."

The times are wrong in several cases:
"...thinking that I will would never be able"
"...there was a time I believed I will would never be"

"After that those short 30 minutes"
"I wanted to be in the medical field"...sounds odd-be more specific, do you want to study medicine, become a nurse, a surgeon ...what? Do you want to go into psychology, behavioral therapy...?

Style-wise get rid of all the cliches...use your own words instead. Get rid of the tired phrases that are overused and have become old chestnuts without power and get rid of fillers that blow up the text unnecessarily:

"When I first started working on this personal statement, I did quite some research, by Googling “How to write a good personal statement.” I found tons of websites that said to make it personal, special, organized, and show how my personal statement related to my dream career. After reading the webpages telling me what I should do, I panicked, thinking that I will never be able to write a statement that’s both impressive and truly reflect who I am as a daughter, a sister, a teenager, a student and a college applicant. At last, I decided to shut all of those websites down and write my own piece. In this statement, I want to bring out a story that show how I came to be who I am.

Eleven years ago, I watched Steve Jobs’ speech at Stanford University, “How to live before you die.” As one of the most famous speeches Steve Jobs has ever given, it touched me in many ways. First, his three messages. Being one of the most successful people in the world, Jobs told us about his journey and that it took hard work and a willingness to come back from failure. He also told us to be brave, to be daring, and to enjoy every second of our life. Beside those messages, his speech moved me by how he presented it. He seemed so confident and relaxed but he was also clear and cut right to the point. Growing up, I was shy and timid, when it came to public speaking, as much as I wished I could walk up to the stage with confidence and give a clear speech, I just couldn’t. It’s like self-confidence was a skill I could never pick up. Even after becoming a senior student, I still have trouble speaking in front of the class, let alone a room of strangers public. Although deep down I know I have to overcome my problem and fear, there was a time I believed I will never be able to do so.To me, public speaking was a fear I could never overcome, till that day finally came. A teacher selected me to be one of the four hosts for a school competition. Being a host means public speaking and it scared the hell out of me. I tried to reject it, hoping the teacher would realize I was not the person for the job but it didn’t work. Ever since I received the script for the competition, I simply couldn’t get my mind off it. The fear of public speaking is just so great, I just can’t neglect it. I could do something wrong, pronounce a wrong word mispronounce a word, embarrass myself in front of everyone in the room. Out of fear, I practiced hard with my partner and when the first round of the competition came, I am glad to say it went well. After that short 30 minutes, I am proud to say I conquered my fear. It doesn’t mean I am not afraid of public speaking anymore but now I know I will not run away from it again.

Personally, I wanted to be in the medical field though I know my story seems to have nothing to do with it. To others, an accident or illness occurred to their family which prompted them to enter this field but to be honest I don’t have that touching or inspiring story behind me. The reason why I want to be in this field is because I believe I am capable of doing this, and I want to can help people overcome their problems and fears. I want to be the reason that they can be a better person and be a part of someone’s story, just like my stories where I overcome my difficulties and was given the chance to see the world from a whole new angle.


Besides these language issues I think the good news is your statement can be vastly improved, the bad it needs a lot of work. It needs clarity and structure. You should really follow the advice on those websites :) I think you're setting yourself up to be shot down by mentioning you ignored the advice....

As far as I understand your goal/dream is to work with people helping them overcome their fears.
You are especially interested in this and confident to be good at this as you yourself struggled with fear. In your case it was a crippling fear of speaking in public. You admired speakers like Jobs very much and also it was necessary to speak in front of the class but you lacked confidence and feared failure. A teacher who had confidence in you and made you a host gave you the chance/forced you to face your fear. Training with a partner you mastered the problem, resulting in a great 30 minutes speech. This gave you the tools/transferable skills to master any other fears and help others do the same.

Good luck with your statement


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19
19
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
You asked for brutal honesty :)...

Firstly run spell-checker to make sure you use correct English:

"...and truly reflect who I am"-reflects
"... a story that show how I came to be who I am." -shows
Avoid slang as in 'like' "...It’s like self-confidence was a skill I could never pick up" and overuse of 'just' as in "fear of public speaking is just so great, I just can’t neglect it."

The times are wrong in several cases:
"...thinking that I will would never be able"
"...there was a time I believed I will would never be"

"After that those short 30 minutes"
"I wanted to be in the medical field"...sounds odd-be more specific, do you want to study medicine, become a nurse, a surgeon ...what? Do you want to go into psychology, behavioral therapy...?

Style-wise get rid of all the cliches...use your own words instead. Get rid of the tired phrases that are overused and have become old chestnuts without power and get rid of fillers that blow up the text unnecessarily:

"When I first started working on this personal statement, I did quite some research, by Googling “How to write a good personal statement.” I found tons of websites that said to make it personal, special, organized, and show how my personal statement related to my dream career. After reading the webpages telling me what I should do, I panicked, thinking that I will never be able to write a statement that’s both impressive and truly reflect who I am as a daughter, a sister, a teenager, a student and a college applicant. At last, I decided to shut all of those websites down and write my own piece. In this statement, I want to bring out a story that show how I came to be who I am.

Eleven years ago, I watched Steve Jobs’ speech at Stanford University, “How to live before you die.” As one of the most famous speeches Steve Jobs has ever given, it touched me in many ways. First, his three messages. Being one of the most successful people in the world, Jobs told us about his journey and that it took hard work and a willingness to come back from failure. He also told us to be brave, to be daring, and to enjoy every second of our life. Beside those messages, his speech moved me by how he presented it. He seemed so confident and relaxed but he was also clear and cut right to the point. Growing up, I was shy and timid, when it came to public speaking, as much as I wished I could walk up to the stage with confidence and give a clear speech, I just couldn’t. It’s like self-confidence was a skill I could never pick up. Even after becoming a senior student, I still have trouble speaking in front of the class, let alone a room of strangers public. Although deep down I know I have to overcome my problem and fear, there was a time I believed I will never be able to do so.To me, public speaking was a fear I could never overcome, till that day finally came. A teacher selected me to be one of the four hosts for a school competition. Being a host means public speaking and it scared the hell out of me. I tried to reject it, hoping the teacher would realize I was not the person for the job but it didn’t work. Ever since I received the script for the competition, I simply couldn’t get my mind off it. The fear of public speaking is just so great, I just can’t neglect it. I could do something wrong, pronounce a wrong word mispronounce a word, embarrass myself in front of everyone in the room. Out of fear, I practiced hard with my partner and when the first round of the competition came, I am glad to say it went well. After that short 30 minutes, I am proud to say I conquered my fear. It doesn’t mean I am not afraid of public speaking anymore but now I know I will not run away from it again.

Personally, I wanted to be in the medical field though I know my story seems to have nothing to do with it. To others, an accident or illness occurred to their family which prompted them to enter this field but to be honest I don’t have that touching or inspiring story behind me. The reason why I want to be in this field is because I believe I am capable of doing this, and I want to can help people overcome their problems and fears. I want to be the reason that they can be a better person and be a part of someone’s story, just like my stories where I overcome my difficulties and was given the chance to see the world from a whole new angle.

Besides these language issues I think the good news is your statement can be vastly improved, the bad it needs a lot of work. It needs clarity and structure. You should really follow the advice on those websites :) I think you're setting yourself up to be shot down by mentioning you ignored the advice....

As far as I understand your goal/dream is to work with people helping them overcome their fears.
You are especially interested in this and confident to be good at this as you yourself struggled with fear. In your case it was a crippling fear of speaking in public. You admired speakers like Jobs very much and also it was necessary to speak in front of the class but you lacked confidence and feared failure. A teacher who had confidence in you and made you a host gave you the chance/forced you to face your fear. Training with a partner you mastered the problem, resulting in a great 30 minutes speech. This gave you the tools/transferable skills to master any other fears and help others do the same.

Good luck with your statement


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20
20
Review of HAPPINESS  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
The subject interested me. While I had expected a longer text your lines forced me to read closely, carefully. The line about little things being revealed as having been big things made me tear up, it's so true. You normally don't know what the best times of your life are - only in retrospect.

Small gripes:
"so hard" in my view asks for an outcome as in "so hard that [so and so happened e.g. we were breathless, fell over, whatever]"
personally, I'd prefer "three" to "3"
In the concluding sentence there's a glitch from plural to singular "...make them [the memories] the good one." Perhaps better "...make them good ones"?

Thanks for sharing.
Best of luck with your writing


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21
21
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi there, fascinating topic.

Just a couple of comments:

" of computer many"-perhaps you mean "computing"?
"there approximately 12 more inventions were created in a period of 120 years"-I'd delete "there"
"but to the people who were there have them, it was the coolest thing since fire was.."- but to people who had them
"fire was... I guess invented. "-people learned how to make fire

Erm...this is just the beginning right-where are the predictions/speculations for the future which is why I read this? Sorry, 3 stars only. I like your funky tone though...keep working and elaborating on this...
22
22
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi,

I also hated the book and especially the end. Some formal comments:

Inline comments:
“WIlliam Golding,no comma here in my view writes the novel The Lord of the Flies to tell us about the beast within us all. The novel specifically focuses on the beast within twelve year old boys and the results of what happens when there is no constricting adult society. Although the novel starts out at a slow pace, and gradually unfolds into chaotic behaviour; comma instead of semi-colon; for a semi-colon the sentence must be grammatically complete i.e. able to stand alone we are left with what some people believe to be a ‘happy ending’. In my opinion this novel isn't I think in written English it is better to avoid contractions quite so happy and reassuring for, the last few lines is Ralph realising he will never be the same person again. The comma makes no sense and the sentence is somehow incomplete-do you mean something like “for the last few lines show us Ralph realizing that despite having been ‘rescued’ he will never be his old self again”? He has come to the conclusion that he has lost his innocence, murdered a friend, and has seen a glimpse of humanity's beast. insert spaceWhile some may believe the end to Golding’s novel is a happy one as they are rescued, I find it hard to believe it is so, as the novel ends with so many things left unsaid. We are never left to hear about what happens to the children, and how they fit back into society’s strict world. We are left with the children crying not for joy, but the sorrow of human nature. How can a novel be considered happy, when they cry for the horrors they have learnt? As well as the memories that will continually haunt them throughout the rest of their lives? How is it a happy ending when children will live with memories of war and bloodshed? Of death and loss? I am also left wondering how the ending is a happy one for jack capital “J”, and the rest of the hunters. They do get rescued, although how will they take to civilized life once more? They have gotten used to the blood of animals and humans alike, they fight over power and authority. They are violent and vile beings, and will they continue to do so in normal society? Or will they once again have a subconscious mind to inform them of the wrongs they committed on the island. Will their minds remember, and slowly torture them with nightmares and images of blood, violence, chants, and pigs? The novel may end with a naval officer rescuing the boys, but we must remember these boys were not crying for the joy of being rescued but for the sorrow they have been infected with. They are inflicted with memories, guilt, and with the knowledge of the beast that lies within us all. Therefore, I believe this novel has a poor, unhappy ending that leaves us with nothing more than the sorrows and guilts I don’t think there is really a plural of guilt? of a child.”

Keep writing
love

Nok
23
23
Review of Peculiar dialogue  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,

I am an unpublished and irregular writer, so don't take my words for gospel. while my comments are meant to be helpful feel free to ignore them, in the end, you, the author, know best. Having said this, here goes:

This is labelled assignment: "Writing prompt: Your protagonist and antagonist are discussing you. Write the scene.
S being the protagonist and J being the antagonist."

I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you've missed the point. If my understanding of the assignment is correct in the end the reader ought to know you (or at least quite a lot about you), at least as a writer. Apart from that you're female, love your characters, and have a tendency to make them all good I haven't learned anything.

Also the voices of the characters were not very distinct, I don't even know who they are (I think they're male), what their conflict in the story is about...

You left me with so many questions:

what genre do you write, what is the story S and J are from about? who are S and J? which traits of yourself or people you know, other fictional characters have you used?
What do you mean by brilliant, ordinary etc.? Be more specific...

Example: You write:

"S: It’s odd how she always turns to us out of the blue. It doesn’t seem like she thinks about us, but as if she sees or hears something that all of a sudden she could connect with us. Brilliant, she is.

J: Oh, I’ve seen better. Smarter, nicer, more graceful. Sometimes I’d just say that she’s ordinary.

S: But she wrote you. And you’re not ordinary. Do you think that an ordinary person could write characters like you and me? Do you think that anyone ordinary could get inspired the way she does? She sees beauty in everyone and everything and she tries to bring it out."


Now I'll rewrite it to clarify how to use the characters to be more specific:

Say this were your storyline (randomly taken from http://www.seventhsanctum.com/generate.php?Genname...): The story is about a graceful theologian who must work with a distant bounty hunter. It takes place in a city-state in a magical universe. Magic is fading in power, and that plays an important role in the story.

S: It’s miraculous how she always turns to us out of the blue. It is an act of grace that makes us come alive. I believe firmly that though she has much greater things to attend to, like her real life as a home-maker and mother, she constantly holds our whole world of Ultra-Nova in her mind. And when she turns her attention to us, I always feel suddenly blessed with powers or understanding I didn't have before. It's as if she sees or hears something on that higher plane of hers that all of a sudden she could connect with us and give us more gifts. Take even this diaphanous shroud I'm wearing. I did not have that yesterday and somehow I sense it was inspired by a wedding she attended. A sacred gift though of course I'm sworn to celibacy. Praise her. Let us give thanks to how brilliant she is.

J: Brilliant? Sometimes I’d just say that she’s an ordinary thief, stealing bits from here and there and cobbling them together.

S: But she wrote you. And you’re not ordinary. You are handsome-

J. Ah, you've noticed?

S.-and daring, and even if you are a mercenary, as a bounty-hunter you hunt guys that are even worse than you and bring them to justice. so you can't be all bad. I for one believe you can be redeemed if you truly repent.

J. In your dreams sister.

S. Do you think that an ordinary person could write characters like you and me? Do you think that anyone ordinary could get inspired the way she does? She sees beauty in everyone and everything and she tries to bring it out.

J. She wouldn't last seconds in places I've been. Not much beauty in the Prison of the Greedy or the Eighth Rocky Vortex of Honor, let me tell you. Or inner beauty in me for that matter. While I'll give you I'm devilishly handsome and I can understand you're drawn to me-

S. What? I am certainly not-

J. -the only reason I don't ravish you is that you're the client, the money, and I don't mix business and pleasure, sis, so stop trying to 'reform' me. ...


I hope this example (yeah, not the greatest writing ever, but it's just the first thing that came to mind) conveys a little how I think you need to show us who you are through who your characters are.

Best of luck with your writing
love

Nok
24
24
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,

First a little about myself- I used to write shorts and am now trying to execute my ideas for novels (latest interest: mystery). However, while I’m an avid reader I have yet to write something I like well enough to actually submit for publication. I’m currently reviewing as a way of procrastinating. But perhaps I’ll catch the writing ‘bug’ again through reading others’ works.
While my comments are helpfully meant, they are in the end only one reader’s views. Please feel free to take them on board if you think they are helpful, or ignore them-in the end you, the author, know best where you’re going with this text.

To be frank, I wasn’t quite sure how to review a <personal> text, so I decided to review it as though it was a short story intended for publication. Having said that, here goes:

title
I liked the title because both <journey> and <unexpected> create interest and suspense.

plot:
*ATTENTION: PLOTSPOILER*: The unnamed female I-narrator visits a circus, the last attraction of which is what appears to her to be a hall of mirrors. She and her friend pass the mirrors, which seem to provide the opportunity to reflect on one’s character or soul, showing varying aspects. In the end there’s a brief impression on what might have been and the assurance the protagonist has chosen the right path (in both senses of right-hand and correct) in her life. She realizes that her friend is her soul and that, while this unexpected journey was necessary, she needn’t reveal what she has seen. That it wasn’t a dream is proven by a pair of gloves she has picked up during the journey through the hall of mirrors.
Pacing was quite good, the ending contained a nice twist with the gloves and I liked the reference back to the title, which closes the loop so to speak.
Just some random comments:
-In the end I wasn’t quite sure where you’re going with this text; it read to me a bit like a morality tale or fable…but if that assumption is true-what conclusion do you want us to draw?
-I found the bit with the gloves surprising; I never thought this was a dream, so for me, the <proof> was unnecessary, but see what others say…
-potential flaw: She is commended for choosing the <right> path, when in fact, if I remember correctly, she stands there actually thinking (rebelliously?) to go left, when suddenly all other paths disappear, and only the path to the right remains open to her; that’s not strictly speaking a choice, or am I wrong?

characters: Personally, I don’t like unnamed characters, but since it’s an I-narrator I can live with it (repetitive I’s are for me less irritating than repetitive she’s). I for some reason pictured her as quite young, a teenager most likely, twenty at most and I felt confused at the paragraph with the skeleton, where she seems to be looking back on the events (though not clearly specified) of a whole life-time, which would make her a much older person (or is that the future)? There’s really not a lot about the appearances of either the narrator or her friend, or the faceless crowd surrounding them.-The <voice> of your protagonist is quite engaging.
I feel a bit unsure about my comments here, because your text is clearly to be read symbolically, as in a way applicable to all of us, which would make a case for leaving the persons somewhat undefined or generic…

grammar: no problems that I could see (I commented on a comma, but punctuation is not one of my strengths)

style/voice: You have a nice, easy to read style, but there’s far too much ‘telling’; because I think you really have a vivid imagination and this story shows quite some promise, I went to some length to point out a lot (not all) instances of telling instead of showing; I’ve also for the sake of clarity included some ideas how to show the exact same thing, but please do not think that I’m arrogantly rewriting your text, it’s just to hopefully better illustrate my meaning.-There was a bit of unnecessary verbosity

setting: I didn’t immediately ‘get’ that you meant a real circus, so perhaps a few words on the attractions passed, the bearded lady, the mermaid, or so, might help to drive that point home. The atmosphere was great, magical, but all the telling instead of showing really stood in the way. I suggest working on that. For numerous examples of telling and some suggestions of what showing might look like, see below.

overall: Potentially a great short story. Thanks for posting, I enjoyed reading it. Please understand that with so much room for improvement I have to give a relatively low rating (but I’d be willing to review and rate a revision).
Good luck with your writing and have a nice writing day

Nok

IN-LINE COMMENTS

“I was afraid. I didn’t want to” –telling, show us instead? Perhaps have her drag her feet, while her stomach tightens or her gorge rises?
“only” is overused-9 times, twice in this sentence alone: ”The only thing that no one told us was whether you’re the only one …” Try and get rid of as many instances as you can would be my suggestion
”I felt like … and I hated it. And I also feared ….something I didn’t expect. But, it can’t be that horrible, right?” Telling again, show us instead, perhaps: My brain closed like a fist around my naked thoughts, as I cringed….My body tensed as though something was about to jump out on me. …Also I think there’s a slip from past tense “didn’t” to present tense “can’t”, which should be “couldn’t” unless “But, it can’t be that horrible, right?” are the heroine’s directly rendered thoughts, in which case they ought to be enclosed in apostrophes or written in italics. Not sure about the comma after “But”, it’s not my strength, but I don’t think you need one here, if it was me I’d delete it.

“We walked slowly,”-telling again, use an online thesaurus and pick a stronger verb to express “slowly” (-ly adverbs are good indicators to identify instances of telling, instead of showing)
At first I didn’t pay attention to the words, but my friend nudged me, urging me to read what was written there.-I don’t like this, it feels like a slip out of the character’s point of view—and it’s a negative, so I can’t really imagine it…if it’s important try and express it as action instead of non-action, perhaps The mirrors had plaques with writing on them, but my eyes were drawn to….
“Beware, …” made me think how I really can’t wait to get this over with.” Telling again as well as slip in use of tenses.
“We entered ….3 meters wide and you had mirrors on both sides of the hallway. There seemed to be some sort of a plaque next to every mirror, with only one word on it.” Numbers up to 20 I believe are usually spelled out. <There seemed to be some sort of> Telling and verbose, I suggest to delete this beginning and start the sentence perhaps like this: Next to every mirror a plaque was mounted…
“The crowd was moving slowly”-telling, show us instead?
I looked at my own reflection and got confused. My eyes flew to the plaque looking for an answer but “soul” didn’t have much sense. Then I looked at my friend and saw that none of us understood what this represented.” Loads of telling (underlined). Perhaps: My own reflection scrambled my thoughts. My eyes flew to the plaque. It said ‘soul’. Huh? My friend raised her brows at me and I shrugged my shoulders.
I expected to see-telling
What we stream for. –Do you mean yearn or strive for?
And while I’m happy…-the whole paragraph that follows is technically telling and feels also a bit like an info dump regarding the character’s well, character…But it sort of works here, so it’s up to you whether to try and show through practical examples or leave the telling as the character’s insights into her own nature…

…and I was confused once more. …and she appeared … I didn’t know what to think. I looked closely … and saw …that seemed … as if something was preventing it … I wasn’t sure …. but I sensed that at least some of it had to do something with me trying to have control over every single one of my emotions, trying to numb them and somehow forbid them from showing completely. … I didn’t know what to expect …I thought that nothing could surprise me anymore …Lots of telling in this paragraph, show us instead

“That wasn’t an easy one. It’s not that I live a life filled with regrets, it’s just that even the slightest action could change my future life. –These sentences were somewhat unclear to me…They don’t seem to convey the strong, dramatic emotion I’m expecting at this moment in the story. Clarify? As it stands, this somehow reads detached to me…Also how old is the character? I’d assumed she’s quite a young girl…at most twenty maybe
“For example, what if”… This paragraph again contains a lot of telling e.g. “I could feel” (2x)… But I knew… I realized ..Thinking that … what seemed … I quickly forgot …and turned my attention to……What did I see? I saw (2x)…. Just as I processed this, … Me, being as I am, thought that … and just as I thought that, … thinking how all of this was bizarre.
“bumping”-do you perhaps mean “pumping”?

And yet somehow, it all felt …telling.

I woke up suddenly trying to chase off the last bits of my dream... … I wasn’t sure …telling
…knowing that after all, no one needs to know about this...Can you avoid the repetitive knowing/know?

PS If you like my review, please consider returning the favor my reviewing a fellow author on the review request page. (And if you don’t like my review, consider reviewing another author to show me how it’s done.)
25
25
Review of There's a Catch  Open in new Window.
Review by Nok2 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi,

First a little about myself- I used to write shorts and am now trying to execute my ideas for novels (latest interest: mystery). However, while I’m an avid reader I have yet to write something I like well enough to actually submit for publication. I’m currently reviewing as a way of procrastinating. But perhaps I’ll catch the writing ‘bug’ again through reading others’ works.
While my comments are helpfully meant, they are in the end only one reader’s views. Please feel free to take them on board if you think they are helpful, or ignore them-in the end you, the author, know best where you’re going with this text.

title
I don’t particularly fancy works left <untitled>, I think you’re losing reviewers that way-why not at least give a working title to spark some interest? Just a suggestion…

plot:
*ATTENTION: PLOTSPOILER*: Teresa, a prisoner, is promised freedom by her jailor, provided she can find the key to her chains’ padlock. The twist: The room she’s been brought to, contains perhaps millions of keys, and a skeleton of a former prisoner who died trying keys out bodes ill for Teresa’s chances of success.
Terrific plot and twist at the end. The opening with dialogue was not bad, but could perhaps be more dramatic (“get up” doesn’t really convey much of emotion, until you learn the context). The ups and downs of Teresa’s emotions as fear and hope alternate were good, but if you’re no longer restricted by word count I’d suggest emphasizing them more. Small gripes: We never learned why Teresa is imprisoned and what original threat she faces (or at least fears/imagines)?

characters: Teresa, her jailor, and the (defunct) Jenny. If I were to apply novel-writing criteria I’d have to say that there was too little on character’s appearances, clothes/armor and mannerisms. Though you give us for the unnamed jailor rank breath and eyes that are empty pools of darkness, it was not clear to me whether he’s meant to be a skeleton or zombie himself? I’d also suggest assigning the jailor a name or at least a rank. The name Jenny (at least in my view) detracted somewhat from the seriousness and horror

grammar: no problems that I could see

style/voice: A smooth, easy read. There was a little ‘telling’ e.g. scared, with difficulty, show us instead? The point of view is that of Teresa and continuously held through, except perhaps where she somehow knows that he will not remove the blindfold. Explain? Is she a mind-reader or is she guessing based on previous experience? As it stands, it reads like a possible slip into his POV, but perhaps that’s just me…

setting: There was not much on setting. The padlock suggests modern times whereas the atmosphere was more dungeon and dragon fantasy medieval in my view (I can’t quite say why, triggered perhaps mostly by the “silver key”?)

overall: Good story-shows promise, but needs more detail in my view. Please understand that in view of the room left for improvement I have to assign a relatively low rating. (I’d be happy to review and rate a revised version.)

Good luck with your writing and have a nice writing day

Nok

PS If you like my review, please consider returning the favor my reviewing a fellow author on the review request page. (And if you don’t like my review, consider reviewing another author to show me how it’s done.)
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