Hello! I found your story, The Becoming (Chapter 1) and gave it a read. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression:
Generally, I like the chapter, there are so many potential stories coming out of this first chapter, the mind boggles.
Plot:
The plot, to me, seems rather jumpy. First we hear about Edith being 12 at, I presume, her parent’s funeral, we jump to Helen (her aunt) and learn about her struggles as she grew up and then to helen’s mother and (presumably) father with no obvious link between them. This, unfortunately, has got me slightly confused.
Style and Voice:
I think your style needs a little developing. You have a tendency of swapping between different tenses (e.g. [The room was a satin blue, filled with flowers] vs [Two of the most important flowers have withered]) Although these two examples are both past tense, the first reads like a narrative whereas the second reads like a statement you would tell someone. Another example is the second paragraph (her parents have recently passed away…). To improve this, I would suggest changing ‘have’ to ‘had’.
You script seems to be a bit chocky with no real sense of direction, which would come with both editing and, of course, more writing experience.
Scene/Setting:
The opening paragraph is a great start. I love the description, though I would have liked more to set the scene for the rest of the chapter. I am a little confused at how there appears to be an ‘oak’ in ‘the room’.
I think you are able to split this particular chapter into three distinct chapters, one opening the story about (presumably) the Main Character, Edith, more about the funeral wake, what is the importance of the mark she saw, etc., Second chapter about Helen and the third about Jennifer, if, of course, the two latter women play an important role in your story. If they play little roles in the greater story, then I would perhaps suggest deleting the sections on them as they would then be irrelevant. You would, therefore, need to enhance the description about Edith.
Jumping between the initial funeral wake, to Helen’s past, to Jennifer’s initial meeting with James at completely different times is chaotic and, to the reader, confusing.
Characters:
There is not really much I can go on here about characters, however, I do like Edith. I love the small spark of potential in her, the sight of the mark that no one else can see creates mystery and engagement.
Personally, unless they play a major role (or even a minor role) in your story, I would shorten the sections on Helen and Jennifer as they are taking away from the mystery of Edith.
Dialogue:
The Dialogue between characters is pretty good.
Grammar and Mechanics:
First rule of speech in a story – if a new character speaks, a new line is needed. Not only does this make it easier to distinguish between characters in a conversation, it helps you, as the writer to see who is saying what and keep track of what is said (not to mention it is a grammatical rule!).
I am assuming this is your first draft and has not received an edit (if this is not the case, I apologise), and many of the grammatical, spelling (of which I found none!) and punctuation will be picked up during an edit.
Before, you even think about editing, of course, you should just write the entire novel and then go back to it, otherwise you won’t ever complete it…
Suggestions:
I suggest you consider the importance of Helen and Jennifer to the main story, build on the strengths of Edith, the mystery of the mark and why she can alone can see it.
Mechanically, I suggest you separate the speech so each character has a separate line and work on the grammar when you come to edit the full novel.
Final remarks:
I loved Edith and the mystery you created with just that simple description of the mark on her parent’s hands. This story has tremendous potential if you focus more on Edith. I definitely look forward to reading future chapters, which you must write.
Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
DISCLAIMER:
My review is my opinion alone and in no way reflects the opinion of WDC. You are free to accept it or not. It is not my intention to offend you in anyway.
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "