Hi, this is Nomar. I liked your story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
General Impressions
I liked how you described the setting, especially your second paragraph. I noticed your stories have some sort of social commentary. Interesting. When she entered the park, you made good use of the senses.
Favorite Part
Your vivid descriptions of the people in the park were excellent, very emotional.
Creepy moment, that's good
Characters
Your protagonist is okay, but I wonder, based on your other characters, if she's just a random victim. Somehow, I get the feeling there's more to this story that you're not revealing.
Plot
I feel you're holding out on me. This may be just a small scene of a much larger story. Why were those manifestations there? What did they want with her? Did they manifest because she was a healer, since she came out of a hospital. Interesting, isn't it? You can do so much more with this, all you have to do, is ask your characters to reveal themselves and perhaps, in time, they shall. Cool, huh?
Setting
You did a good job making the setting an important part of your unfinished plot. You have a flair for the dramatic, I like that.
Dialog
Your dialog was limited to a personal thought or two.
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text:
Criminals often used the cover darkness as a means of surprising unwary victims,
My Comment:
cover of darkness...
Your text:
but she had taken this route many nights and has never once been on the receiving end of such an attack.
My Comment:
but she had taken this route many nights without incident. Something like that. I don't like the "has" in the sentence.
Your text:
she screamed as the lighten flashed.
My Comment:
lightning flashed.
Your text:
The In that instant she realized that she was not alone,
My Comment:
I don't like adverbs but how about: suddenly, she realized she was not alone...
Your text:
She starred in amazement
My Comment:
She stared ...
Your text:
must be my eyes playing tricks on me.
My Comment:
Unfortunately I know exactly how she feels.
Your text:
was as real as hard ground on
My Comment:
as real as the hard ground...
Your text:
It was as if time itself has slowed stopped completely.
My Comment:
had slowed, or stopped? Pick one.
Your text:
being said should, the words prove her need to run.
My Comment:
misplaced comma, the pause comes after "said"
Your text:
movements in a trace
My Comment:
in a trance...
Your text:
Rachel could feel a explosive rage building up in the air
My Comment:
Instead of saying Rachel could feel, why not describe the event, and show how she felt? It would make for a better read, and your fans will love you for it.
Your text:
in the far of distance
My Comment:
either in the far off distance, or in the far distance.
Interesting idea, I can't wait to see what you do with this story with a little more work.
This completes the second of three reviews.
Nomar Knight
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