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10 Public Reviews Given
11 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review by Michael Cordal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This text is an interesting read. It's a good chance even seasoned writers find some fresh ideas to writing. But I label it a work in progress, but as it stands now i

Overall the readers of this text can picture the scene, setting and relations the author tries to convey. It's well recognized feeling of a caring mother exerting a tough love. She sees her son as a person in need of growing up. An absent father is also something many recognizes, all too well for some unfortunately, but it also makes the story easier to write. Without the mixture of a third, unbalancing the juxtapositional relations present, the story is easier to write.

The text is full of genius paragraphs and sentences. One of my favourites is "12 minutes later and I'm having breakfast all while mom is gazing out the window." The author can really paint a picture with words. Reading the text, though, makes it somewhat of a challenge due to the perceived sharpness in its textual commissures. Some passages makes you feel like the author overpainted the picture, = over-explained the situation to the reader. One example is "Sure it will add more time...". The bipolarity of hope and despair is wisely navigated, but here, I feel, sometimes under-painted. The colours are there, but they could use another stroke.

And sometimes the writer lets the character turn to the reader. E g "I really went from a nature admirer to trainee soldier in an instant right?!". It's a meta grip one can use, but it doesn't really fit in here. That paragraph could perhaps be elevated more if it was phrased like; "I felt myself going from a nature admirer to trainee soldier in an instant. And as I walked out...". The author can play around with this...

A few minor spelling mistakes would be noticed on both sides of the Atlantic*, but they don't really disrupt the flow of the text. The poem adds a feeling of a fresh take on writing. As it is, I would not be afraid of showing the poem as a teaser, or as a part of an exhibition, or perhaps a writers' event. But as it is now, it is too close to the text – feeling more like a résumé than as a poem. My advice to the writer? Make it more subtle or disjoint it. My advice to the Reader? You don't need the poem so close to the chapter.

And about the the thing you see first; the headline. At first glance, it makes no sense. Later, the reader discovers how it seamlessly is built in to the text. Again, a clever way of writing. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.


* examples (going both ways);
anymore -> any more
huh.one -> huh? One
cosy -> cosy
colour -> color
god -> God


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Review of Fire in the snow  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Cordal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
So this is a story about feeling connected, and later realizing the differences. Alongside a consciousness awakening, so comes a purpose.

Reading this story, will make you curious about what IT is that's following the Sun. And before you, this will evolve into a cute, almost poetic coming of age-story. The story is flowing from start to end without any drama pits or derailing. You can tell the author has written before. This is another cute piece.

The story is labeled with the genres Fantasy, Mystery, and Teen, and I myself would label it the same. Now, only teens themselves can say if the like it or not, but I'd recommend this to younger children as well. This could definitely be a good children's' book. But any person of any age can read this story. For a younger audience, this is a good story about finding purpose. For a more experienced audience, it may serve as a good reminder.

The world is not really a fantasy world. The story in this world is. In it, the author also navigates sharply between the mystic and the mundane. Questions like how can this character have a notion of man-made division of time, or how can it think about naivité and later become conscious, easily arise while reading. Some may feel odd about the Sun being a man, but what's baking the noodle is that it's the only thing with a gender. Perhaps the story could benefit from it being non-gendered. If I were to guess, the choice must be to contrast the Sun to it, or I, the main character of the story (both having a gender, and not). But that's me, as an adult saying that...

There is a beautiful poetic connection between the Sun up there with a purpose, and fire down here finding one as the story progresses. And at the end, a candlelight being a version of the sun, is a fine add to metaphors talking about candle in the wind, or of a candle in the dark. This may help anyone struggling to find their way. The sense morale here, I'd say, is everybody has it in them to be a candle, a part of the Sun, to everyone. And that type of candle is not found by trying to follow any one else.


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Review of Furs and Fluffs.  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Cordal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
The author here displays a poem, not yet complete, still wanting feedback. The author, just as the reader will do, understand there's room for improvement. But I still don't think it should be changed. And not for the reasons you first would think of...

The poem, Furs and fluffs, comes from a young, perhaps even a naive, place. It shows off emotional rawness, emanating from a personal struggle with the surrounding environment. Even if this could be perceived as one side of the story, we all know also this side is true. And from the side in the shadow, the truest, strongest emotions often comes.

The tug-of-war with the environment is shown, perhaps best, in the repeated without / with parts. It portrays a fight that cannot be won, but disseminated. Normally when someone is belittling another, apparent here, it's the belittlers carrying the awe of the belittled. And this brings me to the biggest strength of the poem.

This is from an author, and here I take the liberty of adding some easy and publicly available info, coming from Eaton, Ohio. I have never been there but a few quick searches and you have the idea of a small town. I know many such small towns, and it's a short way to ”everybody knows everybody”, and ”unity means conformity”, in such places. Again, I don't know Eaton, but I do know that writing this in such a place is courageous by the author. And someone living it in such a place makes that person a heroic figure.

So leave the text as it is. The text is simple, not really tickling the educated mind. The ending feels more cliché than forceful. It could be a time capsule for later, proving growth. And a view into how the feelings flowed at the time of writing. How could it be written better? By adding sensory detail, or poetic connections to universal feelings. But take that lesson into the next work.

The courage alone makes this poem worth reading. And keeping as it is. Others in the same ”place” would probably need to read it.


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Review of Alchemy  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Cordal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A festival of skin is easy to understand. It's a celebration experiencing the skin of another, even though ”my body” is present. Were the author to celebrate a couple in love, or lovers no matter how many, the poem could be named A festival of skins.

In it, the author uses a clever technique; the poem is universally applicable - I could write this to my lover, and you to your, no matter the age or sex or sexuality.

Reading this poem is a little like experiencing love and desire at the same time - you seamlessly float between a dreamworld and every day bodies. And everyday activities. Real mundane life is in the background, sometimes used as cultural references (e g … a matinee in Piccadilly.), but the author does not lift in cars or modern technology, making this a more timeless poem. The rich hopped-between imagery from both everyday life and the mythical world could be experienced as a rough road for some, but the author makes it work fine here due to the flow of the text.

Erotic intimacy is presented in a celebratory way (e g … Desire quivers .. piping-hot bites) and the power of real love is given room (e g … you turn my scars into stars). As a reader you're carried into the rush of an over time experienced intimacy without it being vulgar or contorted.

For the cynic, this poem could be a measure of a how relation should be, where everything else in comparison is less worth. (Now I must add; many more types of relations can be healthy, but this is a passion we desire.) But every reader is left with a sense that intimacy can be magical.


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5
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Review of Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Cordal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Here, a person is faced with a choice of returning to a (tiring?) world - or death.

The author presents a glimpse into a creation theory, where we're all given a major choice, and in that, we have the chance to remake ourselves. The setting and story is easy to imagine and the possibilities presented in this text tickles the readers' fantasy.

The text is based on easy mundane stories and many known stories involving God and Hell, life and death. As on earth, we in 'heaven' are also responsible for our conscious choices, and those we miss. If you don't state the age you want when reinserted, it might be chosen for you, but yours to live with.

The author presents the process of choosing for the reader, and includes the exiting black spot. Not fully described when first spotted the excitement grows as the spot does. Shifting from “lazy Sunday afternoon”, to “emergency exit”, and to “death”. Eventually the reader is left uncertain about what's chosen in the end. A good thought provoking end.

Some may find the dialogue to be repetitive. But that technique functions well in this created universe. The repetitive pattern puts the reader in a different 'world', and the text forces the reader in to thinking about major issues about them selves. If I had another chance, what would matter? Clearly not age as much as children, creativity, or sexuality. In that, the text can be read as a sharp contribution to ongoing public debates. The writer lets the “Try everything” triumph for life.

It's a good Sunday afternoon read *Devilish*


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Review of The Last Argument  Open in new Window.
Review by Michael Cordal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This short story could be seen as a coming of age-one in a world where humans and androids coexist. The Main character realises that this andoird is more human than what he belives, and finds himself dumbstruck at the newfound (universal) truth.

The author is not afraid of showing filosophical questions raised in this setting. The most present one is what is the nature of creativity, a question intertwined with many others. The short story doesn't have room to answer them, so the author adeptly does what is possible; move through them. The tool of dialogue is quite cleverly used here.

A layer of growth is added and the total mix makes this a good read.


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Review by Michael Cordal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A well written short story, rich in detail.

The writer creates contrast by decribing two characters from one set of eyes in a present scene. The contrast through time is then used to create similarities, leading the reader to further construct the present scene. It leads to a story of a caring household with a funny end.

This is probably from a conscious author, able to compress the big notion of love spanning over time into a short story.


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Review by Michael Cordal Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Short. Deep. Structured, with lines marking the different views/voices of different characters. This actually makes the transition in points of views from the slave to the writer (a thought. ... The master) a bit out of place without a marked line. It may raise the thoughts; is the slave not so hateful as he was in previous paragraph? What made him change?

The ending; wonderful.


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