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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/normajeantrent
Review Requests: ON
432 Public Reviews Given
499 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to give friendly advice that I hope will help, not harm.
I'm good at...
I enjoy picking out spelling mistakes. Bad punctuation also bothers me.
Favorite Genres
Fiction
Least Favorite Genres
poetry, fan fiction, fantasy, anything erotic or about death, gay or lesbian
Favorite Item Types
flash fiction, short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
long stories, novels, poems, lyrics. I don't write them so I don't feel as though I can review them.
I will not review...
Anything erotic or with cruelty to people or animals. I will not review anything dealing with the gay/lesbian lifestyle.
Public Reviews
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In affiliation with October Novel Prep Challenge G...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Oops - I see a typo right off. Do you mean "nose"?

Well, this is indication of the trend in the US - no church attendance. Or at least dwindling church attendance denomination wide. All churches are feeling the pain your Father in the story feels.

Parents no longer feel the need or want to educate their children about religion. Sad state of our world.

Other than that typo, I see no other errors in spelling or grammar that are horrible.

I do, perhaps, wish that Father Green would be just a bit more upset. How? That is up to you. But his job is on the line, perhaps. If he doesn't get students, perhaps the school closes and he is reassigned or asked to resign.

Thanks for letting me review your work.
NormaJean


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2
In affiliation with October Novel Prep Challenge G...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I've stayed at places like this. In fact, the oldest continuing operating hotel in Montana is the Kempton in Terry, MT. Since 1902. And some of the rooms are feeling that age. There is said there are ghosts that live in the hotel. But I've stayed in that funky place a few times and never experienced one.

Terry, MT has a few hundred people in town and is, as you state in your work, at the end of a long stretch of highway. But actually right off the interstate. Backwoods perfect in SE Montana.

Historic Kempton Hotel Located Terry, Montana
Established June 15, 1902 | Continuous Days of Operation |
Opened 44688 Days ago

Good luck with your novel. Sounds like fun...


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3
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Review of The Antagonist  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with October Novel Prep Challenge G...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Being in the middle of any controversy is never pleasant. I, myself, had a very nasty run-in with some people a few years ago. It had to do with a Renaissance Festival we were trying to plan. I was going along, getting all the ducks in a row, and suddenly some in the committee decided things were not going their way and all bowed out. This left myself and another organizer to wonder what the heck just happened?

mama duck and ducklings


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Review of NaNo Prep 2024  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with October Novel Prep Challenge G...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You've achieve a perfect balance of terror and fear. Personally this hit home for me. As a victim of domestic abuse, it brought back bad memories.

Glad you won a prize. Good luck going forward.

I find no errors beyond a few spelling hiccups, I wouldn't change a thing.



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5
5
In affiliation with October Novel Prep Challenge G...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Interesting. The classic jilted groom/bride scenario, with undertones of a ghostly apparition. Or is it a ghost? You've given us a little hint at a mysterious person from Longfellow's past, I assume.

If I would change one thing, it would be the genre listing. Take out the 'other' you used as the first choice. That limits the searching by people on WDC. I would keep 'ghost' and 'dark' and if it applies, 'supernatural' or 'paranormal' or 'romance'.



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Review of Tainted People  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for the thoughts expressed in your work. I too am a Christian. The theme of salt and light are common in the Bible, as you mention.

I feel you did a good job explaining the concept, and your personal bias, in the word limit.

Thank you for sharing. I wouldn't change anything, as this essay seems to be well thought out and well written.
NJ


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Review of Encounter  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, this is surely reading like a dream. I keep trying to see these images, try to replay this like a movie or video. You've drawn the scene well.

I have no real criticisms except that I don't really know why this happened, don't see a reason for it to happen. Just a random event. Just like our dreams.

The spelling and grammar seem fine, no problems there.

Keep writing!
NJ


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Review of Yellow Stone  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Yellowstone is my happy place. I lived near/in the North Entrance for over 10 years. I love everything about that park. The geysers, the animals, the mountains, the rivers, the lake, the hiking, all of it. My husband and I hiked over 100 miles in the park during our time there.

Everyone wants to go to Yellowstone to see Old Faithful, but the park is much more than one geyser. I'm glad you saw the park. It's something every person should see at least once. But take a few days, a week or more. And the seasons do change often in a day. Snow can happen any day of the year.

I would perhaps tighten up the sentence structure on this. The last group of thoughts could be better expressed as two or three sentences for clarity.

Thanks for honoring the world's first National Park - Yellowstone!
NJ


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Review of Itchy Feet  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice story. A few minor errors. I would change this line: My wife smiles, encircling my waist{{/b}/c} To me when I read it the first time, it read that the smile encircled his waist. But I knew that would maybe not happen. So unless you are burdened with word count here, separate the two actions.

Another item I would change would be the genre choice. Contest entry is never a good choice. It limits people from searching for a good story, a possible Quill nomination. I could see this tale being 'family', 'emotional' when it comes to genre.

Good luck - write on.

NJ


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10
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Review of Flight  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reading your piece about flying in a balloon for the first time. I've never done that. But you seem to capture the flight well. I especially like the image of clouds being great big cauliflowers. Good word image.

The only thing I would change would be the genre choice. 'contest entry' is too limiting. Perhaps 'nature' or 'adventure' would open up this little story to more readers and more reviews.

NJ


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Review of Advice  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Now this is funny. You hooked me from the first. Good ending.

I find no fault with this story. Way to play the game, buddy.

NormaJean


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12
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In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)

I am writing this review of your work. It's a quick one, just a simple review. My first opinion is that you need to break up the text. The dialogue and and description are all jumbled together. A larger font would also help some readers. This all makes it hard to read.

Another item I caught was early in the story. Brenda is first introduced on the cold ground the suddenly she is leaving a room. I didn't see any way she got into that room. Was it magic? Did she enter on her own? That made me curious. Make sure to account for your character's movements.

So, with those items, this is a passable fantasy tale. It can be spiced up a bit more. Amp up the trip Brenda and Hadeon take to the Ebony Forest.

Thank you for the read.
NormaJean



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Review of SMOKEY'S LESSON  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

SMOKEY'S LESSON
By James Fox

One dark night the skills of three Boy Scout of America = Do you really need this? Everyone probably knows of the affiliation trained scoutmasters were challenged by a wayward bear. During the years our sons were in a Boy Scout troop, a week each summer was usually devoted to Summer Camp in the mountains.

Because I seemed to be perpetually on the parents' committee, I was often drafted to go along as one of the adult leaders. And eventually cajoled into taking scoutmaster training.

Our scout troop parents' committee usually selected BSA Camp Wolfeboro, a rustic camp in California’s Sierra Nevada mountains. The main reason was we wouldn't be limited to mess hall food. We would{{/c}/c}= shorten to We’d sign up for the campsite that had an old rock chimney and grill. It also had a dry goods=metal food storage locker and several heavy-duty cedar picnic tables near the fire ring. At the campsite the boys would spend the week cooking their own meals, which we discovered was a magnet for camp counselors tired of the mess hall fare. BUT= since this idea will introduce conflict= We also feared cooking meals outdoors might become attractive for bears that occasionally wandered into camp. But= delete SO=insert the troop's previous scoutmaster had added an extra rinse bucket to the Boy Scout dishwashing system and=delete which=insert had established a clean=insert camp clean-up=delete regimen that usually kept our site bear-free.

One summer, through a fluke, three of the adult leaders going to camp with the troop were named “Jim”. The scouts quickly remedied that with nicknames. Jim Davis became Jimbo and I became Foxman. However, through logic that is understood only by the adolescent mind, Jim Schwartzenberger stayed "Schwartzenberger" or occasionally “Schwartz-B.=why not Swartz-bear= perfect ”

Jim Schwartzenberger = SwartzBear had a wry sense of humor and an unusual skill that intrigued the scouts. At any time, he would string a hammock between two trees, ease into the netting and doze off within five minutes. And to the delight of the scouts within another five minutes he would be snoring louder than a freight train!

One evening the perfect campfire built by "Jimbo" Davis had dwindled to glowing embers, Jim Schwartz-B's
Swartz-Bear ’s snores had died down and the scouts had run out of jokes, stories and ghost tales. One by one everyone had drifted off to their tents,=plural? until I was the only one left to douse the campfire and turn out the lantern. I shook the hammock to wake up Jim so he wouldn't be left to the mosquitoes and morning frost.

I began stirring the dead campfire with an iron rake, looking for hot-spots, and Jim made one final round of the campsite before heading for his tent. He discovered this night the kitchen crew had forgotten to take the ice-chest back across the river to the bear-proof storage of the main camp. "We will have to bear-bag=bear pole when I was backpacking this," he suggested as he strung a rope high off the ground between two trees.

Through training and experience we had learned that a clean campsite needed to have all edibles removed, or “Bear-Bagged” =bear-poled which is, to put in a pack or container strung high out of reach. A nighttime campsite free from any available food usually encourages any curious bears to keep on trudging down the path.

I double-looped the rope around the ice-chest to form a sling, tied off one end and=insert Jim began to tug on the other end to hoist the bundle up out of reach. The task was harder than we thought due to the weight of the full ice-chest. I dragged over one of the log-ends=delete a scout
had =past tense used as a fireside chair. Balancing on this improvised stool, I used the iron rake I'd been stirring the fire=insert with to push upwards on the ice-chest. Jim heaved on the=insert rope to draw it taut. As the bundle inched higher and higher, I stepped down from the log and used the rake to tug at=delete on=insert the chest to see if we had hoisted the food securely out of a bear's reach. The chest swung to and fro, but didn't slip from its rope cradle.

Suddenly Jim Schwartz-B =SwartzBear stopped tugging on the rope and cocked his head to stare past me. He quietly said, "Turn slowly and look what's at the table." I turned and peered into the darkness where just beyond the light from the lantern I saw a bear=period. a =A very large bear. Without us hearing it, the animal=bear had crept into the campsite and had gotten as close as the end of the picnic table where it sat back on its haunches, to=delete intently watch ing= delete =insert us at work. Like a dog waiting for its master, the bear had leaned forward to rest its muzzle on the tabletop. where the=delete Lantern light glinted off its black nose ,and=delete reflected from its = delete off= insert dark eyes as it curiously watched us at our task.

The bear’s = delete Its fur=insert was dark brown, but
its= insert muzzle was tan, creating a living replica of the US Forestry's famous Smokey Bear. When I pointed out this similarity to Jim, he reacted with alarm. "Smokey?" He gasped, "Oh no, oh no, what have you done?" I was confused by Jim's behavior. "What," I asked, "What's wrong?"

The twinkle in Schwartz-B’s SwartzBear’s = insert eyes told me I'd just been suckered as he replied, "just before he tossed a tin can that sent the bear scurrying away,= insert here“You know that Smokey can already handle a shovel - and=delete now you 've= delete taught him how to use a rake!”



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14
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Review of Raising Rabbits  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Love the alliteration - rabbit return rule. And of course, we know when you have 2 rabbits, you soon have a mathematical progression quickly...

The dialogue was believable. Totally believable. Thanks for a fun story.



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15
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In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello foxtale Author Icon !

My Thoughts: Thanks for asking me to review this fable. I am honored to read and now comment.

My Favorite Part: I like your ending, the revelation that people will wear weasel furs, if you just sell them the idea that somehow they are special.

My Suggestions: I did have a problem with your main characters names. Zuk and Zob don't really resonate with me. I think it has to do with the 'Z' sound. Perhaps work on renaming those two.

In my opinion, the use of names with just three letters lends a 'grunting' tone to the piece. Why not use real names? If you have the piece set in a time where there is real speech and with Zob 'thinking outside the box' in so many ways, then use names like Fur-man = Fhurman or ideas like that. Will's son = Wilson. Iver's son = Iverson. I think you see what I mean.

But overall, the story has a good pace. There is believable drama and a good conclusion. I saw no glaring errors in grammar or spelling,

Zob is one heck of a salesman with a good pitch to the king and all the crowd. Sable and ermine = measley weasel furs. Who knew?

Thanks for an enjoyable read.



Keep Calm and Write On!!

NormaJean Queen *Crown*

“All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” Ernest Hemingway





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In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Fun - but it could be funnier if they put on the masks and feathers after he left. Just my thought. Good luck in the contest.


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17
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Review of Mermaid Thrift  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clever. I like the image of the thrift store. A few tweaks I thought of while reading:

Thank you Mx = Where did the MX come from? Or is this referenced in another section of your story.

I like the fact the wife concentrated on practical items, while hubby is distracted by 'ohhh - shiny bright' fun things. She would want to continue 'building the nest' for the baby. It's something all pregnant women do.

Perhaps use the term all stores use = 3-T for size 3 toddler.

How big is their HAB unit? Will a full-size crib fit? Perhaps a 'pack and play' portable crib, or a smaller cradle to start?

And thrift stores are usually dim and dusty. Smelly and overcrowded. At least that is my experience. Unless this is an upscale consignment shop.

Thanks for sharing.


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18
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Review of Bother Climax  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This review is just taking apart a bit of your offering. It by no means has any bearing on the telling of the story.

This part of the line: Simeon, you got any ideas on what to do next?
I think it should be separated from the comment to Bother.

Finally, the strangle hold that silly cow - is the person he's referring to female? Cows are usually female, in my mind. Males are referred to as bulls.

microfiber cloth - necessary detail?

Just my first impressions when I read this.
Thanks,
NJ


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19
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Review of 132256  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is a chilling tale. I don't want to think about what is in the basement, but I hazard a guess as to what is in there. You've left a few clues.

I think you need to check the spelling. 'Natzi" should be 'Nazi', in my opinion.

Write on.
NormaJean


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20
20
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)

I am reviewing your work as per your request and on behalf of The Talent Pond.

I note that this is a poem, with the first line of each stanza not rhyming with the remaining two lines. Since I am not a poet, I am not sure if this rhyming scheme has a name. It does seem to be consistent throughout your work.

I noted this line Asking, “Am I the real cause” and wondered why you didn't insert a question mark, since you prefaced it with the verb "asking"???

You do seem to be praising a friend, although a bit clunky in places. It's almost as if you're trying to hard to make the rhymes fit the feelings.

Thank you for asking me to review your work. I think this could do with a bit of reworking. But the basic framework is there, just polish it a bit more.

Write on!
NormaJean



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21
21
Review of A Starhawk Tale  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

First off, sorry for any delay. There have been a number of problems here. Not an excuse, just an explanation. Check my BLOG if you'd like any details.

Okay - for my notes on your story.

I did find this an enjoyable read. It had a good mix of humor, derring do, adventure. and then there is the whole 'who's on first?' 'Keystone Cops' vibe going on. I liked the pace you set.

There were some spelling inconsistencies. And then some words were in italics, not sure about that.

So, a few ideas:
'glaring with impatience' - perhaps change that just to 'glaring impatiently'. That to me sounds more active.

Then it was:
'Foster' 'Forster' 'Forester' Spelling was three ways. Intentional? Or was this in error?

All considered, you kept my interest to the end. I didn't see the switch coming. Good job.

Write on!

NormaJean


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22
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In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)

I am reviewing this poem at your request and on behalf of The Talent Pond.

Just so you are aware, I am not a poet. I rarely write poetry. So I will review this from the point of view of a reader, not a poetry expert.

As I first glanced at the poem, I see immediately that you chose as one of the genres 'contest entry'. As a word of advice, if you ever want any of your work on WDC to be considered for an award such as the Quills, don't use that genre. Use for this piece, animal, or emotional and experience as you already have. Few will search to read a poem with that genre.

Alright, on to the poem itself. It is free verse, as you state. There are three lines that rhyme in the middle, and then two lines that rhyme at the end.

I was confused as to what was happening at first read. Then I read this a few more times. Is this describing someone's death in a forest?

The last line I would perhaps change alast to 'at last'. I'm not sure what 'alast' means. I can't find a meaning in a dictionary that would apply to your poem.

I had no real feelings either way about this poem. It didn't excite me or anger me. It didn't make me sad. I guess I didn't care enough about the person, if this is what the poem was about, to care about these moments in the forest.

I saw no spelling errors, which I focus on. I assume that the structure adheres to the free verse structure.

My opinions are that of a writer of fiction, as I stated. Good luck with the poem. Good luck on Writing.com

Write on,
NormaJean


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23
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In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)

I am reviewing your work on behalf of The Talent Pond.

This is an interesting Science Fiction concept. I had to read this twice to get some understanding of where you were headed. It did seem a little disjointed.

Then I went to the title and tried to find out what Argus and Archimedes had to do with your ideas. So searching about Argus, the Greek mythology is all about 100 eyes and Mercury and all that. So perhaps that could be translated to the telescopes. But then the Archimedes Priniciple about a body immersed in a fluid experiences an upthrust equal to the weight of the fluid displaced - Hmm. I don't see where that is discussed. But perhaps I overlooked the reference.

I saw no big problems with spelling or grammar, those are items I usually look for.
Good luck with your writing.



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In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)

Per your request, I am reviewing your work on behalf of The Talent Pond.

As per a definition, a parody is an imitation of the style of a particular writer, artist, or genre with deliberate exaggeration for comic effect.

I didn't see any exaggeration nor did I see any comedy here, other than the fact you were singing about a candy bar. Perhaps others might find it amusing, but not funny, in my opinion.

Another fact I found online: The lyrics of the song are written in five stanzas of seven lines each. Each stanza begins with a couplet describing the setting of the scene, followed by a couplet driving the action forward and another couplet expressing the climactic thought of the verse, and closes with a one-line refrain referring to "the sound of silence".

I found this song amazing when I was growing up. It is one of those iconic songs that cannot be duplicated and will stand on its own for generations, as it has.

Now, to my criticisms:
I would change up some of this. I think you are trying to stay too close to the original words in places.

What if you used ‘taste’ of candy instead of “Sound of candy”? Candy to me doesn’t really have a sound, per se. It can have a crunch or the wrapper can have a rustling sound. But when I think of candy I don’t necessarily think of sound.

Then I would use “needs” instead of ‘seeds’ in the first stanza. ‘Needs’ to me hints more to a craving, as candy would be craved.

Instead of ‘blinding my eyes’ I would change that to ‘blinds my eyes’.

Then try ‘for the drink he was…' as a change from your original.

I also would change ‘opened up the wrapper’ not the wrapping. I wouldn’t use the word wrapping. I would say candy wrapper. I wouldn't say 'Hershey bars have a brown wrapping.'

And one last change: ‘he began to open…’ To me, that just flowed better.

Try to find just an instrumental version of the song and then sing the words. See if the new lyrics work. See if they flow as well as the original.

Then since you state this is a parody, work some humor into this.

Good luck with your writing.





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25
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In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I am reviewing your story on behalf of 'The Talent Pond'.

First of all, you are entering this in a contest with a word limit of 300. So, I can see some chances to pad this story a bit. That being stated, let me tell you my immediate impression.

"We have a problem."
We crossed half the city.
we sat down
We changed our clothes,
we sat down
We were good

Do you notice how many times you used this combination? This what I first noticed when reading your story.

Perhaps 'on the other side of town' 'crouching behind a tree we changed clothes, then pretended to be young lovers perched on a park bench. Our act was so realistic, we almost convinced ourselves.' I think you get what I am trying to explain.

You still have so many words at your disposal. 300-154=146 words you could still use.

Good luck in the contest. I have fun with this contest. It is a real challenge to write a story with a 300 word limit

Write on!
NJ


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