 
Hello Fredrick,
Congrats on being with WdC another year. I hope you enjoy your time here. My reviews are in keeping of WdC's policy of honesty and helpfullness . . . How I'll review your item today is this: I'll place a few sections of your story on this page, below each section, I will post a suggested edit for each placed section of your story. Your story is very good storywise, but some punctuation, spelling/grammar errors were noted.
I have also formatted your story into paragraphs . . . and put the character's thoughts in italic letters.
Your story
Sammy looked at the soles of his shoes, worn at the sides with holes at the
bottom. The years of traveling had worked their wicked magic, but this didn't worry him
too much. He had a good pair in his suitcase, along with a good suit. He then took a
long look around the room, he had been too busy sneaking to really survey the area. He
had stowed away on ships for years, but because of regulations, trying to get abroad
without being killed was becoming near impossible. "Oh screw it, Sammy thought, "I've
been fine in the past and I'll be fine now."
My edit
Sammy looked at the soles of his shoes, worn at the sides with holes at the bottom. The years of traveling had worked their wicked magic, but this didn't worry him too much. He had a good pair in his suitcase, along with a good suit. He then took a long look around the room period He had been too busy sneaking to really survey the area.
He had stowed away on ships for years, but because of regulations, trying to get abroad without being killed was becoming nearly impossible. Oh screw it, Sammy thought, "I've been fine in the past and I'll be fine now."
Your story
He got up and paced the room, looking at the
metal crates with labels on them. "Plastic?" He thought reading one of the labels, "well,
glad to see that even out in the outreach of space, Plastic is still king." He had a habit of
being sarcastic, even if there was no one else to hear. He looked out a small window,
just to the left of him, he stood and stared for a second. As far as he could see was the
vast endless space, you could stare forever and still not grasp the full magnitude, but for
Sammy, it was yesterday's news. He walked back over to his suitcase and opened it up,
He shifted past different items, a slightly out-of-fashion suit, a pair of shoes, and most
importantly the merchandise. What he was looking for was a book, about the size of
his hand,
My edit
He got up and paced the room, looking at the metal crates with labels on them. Plastic? He thought comma as he read one of the labels period "Well, glad to see that even out in the outreach of space, Plastic is still king. He had a habit of being sarcastic, even if there was no one else to hear.
He looked out a small window, just to the left of him, he stood and stared for a second. As far as he could see was the vast endless space, you could stare forever and still not grasp the full magnitude of it, but for Sammy, it was yesterday's news. He walked back over to his suitcase and opened it up, He shifted past different items, a slightly out-of-fashion suit, a pair of shoes, and most importantly comma the merchandise. What he was looking for was a book, about the size if his hand.
Your story
It was basically the equivalent of a dime novel. "The misadventures of Tom
and His Long Tong" the cover said. "God this book is shit," Sammy said, "But it's better
than nothing." He cracked it open and scanned the pages, but what was the point? He
had already read it cover to cover, he could recite the thing with one hand tied behind
his ear. But still, he reads " Thomas took his long tong and look over the stone wall,
when suddenly." Before he could read on he heard a sound, like a trained soldier he
quickly stowed it and grabbed his case, and hid in a dark corner behind a box.
My Edit
It was basically the equivalent of a dime novel. The words, The Misadventures of Tom and His Long Tong," were on the cover.
God this book is shit, thought Sammy. But it's better than nothing.
He cracked it open and scanned the pages, but what was the point? He had already read it cover to cover period He could recite the thing with one hand tied behind his ear. But still, he reads comma Thomas took his long tong and went over the stone wall period
Delete (when) Suddenly comma before he could read on comma he heard a sound, sort of like the voice of a trained soldier period
He quickly stowed the book and grabbed his case, then hid in a dark corner behind a box.
Your story
Two men came downstairs with harsh shadows dancing around their faces. Sammy was
practically inanimate as he waited and listened to the footsteps as they echoed around
the room. They looked around, eyeing each box. "Why the hell do we always have to
check the cargo," one said to the other. "Because, that's our job," he replied, "besides
you're the one who wanted to join up, so you've got no one to blame but yourself."
My edit
Two men came downstairs with harsh shadows dancing around their faces. Sammy was
practically inanimate as he waited and listened to the footsteps as they echoed around
the room. They looked around, eyeing each box. "Why the hell do we always have to check the cargo," one said to the other.
"Because, that's our job," the other replied period Besides, you're the one who wanted to join up, so you've got no one to blame but yourself."
Your story
Well, they made it seem like it would be a good lot of fun." This went on for several
minutes as they inspected. Meanwhile, Sammy was slowly creeping across the room to
get out of site. He kept in the shadows, moving slowly but steadily across the room,
then one of his pant legs got caught on a distant piece of metal. Before he knew it, he
had fallen on his face, right onto a grate, as well as ripping a line down his pant leg.
This, along with the fall, culminated in a loud noise that was a combination of tearing
cloth and crashing metal. Well, that was it, there laid Sammy, face down, with two men
standing over him. The silence after the crash lasted a few seconds
My edit
Well, they made it seem like it would be a good lot of fun. This went on for several minutes as they inspected. Meanwhile, Sammy was slowly creeping across the room to get out of sight period He kept in the shadows, moving slowly comma but steadily across the room.
Then one of his pant legs got caught on a delete (distant) piece of metal. Before he knew it, he had fallen on his face, right onto a grate, as well as ripping a line down his pant leg. This, along with the fall, culminated in a loud noise that was a combination of tearing cloth and crashing metal. Well, that was it, there laid Sammy, face down, with two men standing over him. The silence after the crash lasted a few seconds period
Sammy himself was stunned into inactivity. One of the men took out their flashlight and shined it down at Sammy. "Shit, it's a stowaway." Before he knew it, Sammy was dragged up the stairs and into a corridor, while the two men talked. "What do you think we'll do with him, Frank?"
"Well comma Don, we'll see what the captain says."
As this happened many thoughts flashed through Sammy's head.
How could I be so stupid, how will I get to Tanson now? His thoughts were quickly broken up comma with him being thrown on the ground period He looked up to see the Captain.
The Captain wore well-oiled boots, his pants were black with dirt and dust was evenly spread over them from years of wear. He had a light grey coat over a white spotted shirt period
The only thing to indicate that he was comma in fact comma the captain comma was the faded gold stripe on his sleeves.
Your story
His face was riddled with wrinkles from years of hard living, he wore a little mustache and
goatee, both looked slightly uneven. His hair was black with little bits of gray and white
littered throughout it. He looked down at Sammy, with a look of annoyance more than
anger. "You got a lot of balls to get past the safety locks on the cargo hold, one false
move could have fired you." "Don, what was he doing down there?" "I don't know sir,"
He replied,"we heard a crash and there he was laying on a grate."
My edit
His face was riddled with wrinkles from years of hard living period He wore a little mustache and a goatee, both looked slightly uneven. His hair was black with little bits of gray and white scattered throughout it.
He looked down at Sammy, with a look of annoyance comma more than anger. "You have a lot of balls to get past the safety locks on the cargo hold, one false move could have killed you."
"Don, what was he doing down there?"
"I don't know sir, we heard a crash and there he was laying on a grate."
The captain looked back at Sammy, who still had a shallow imprint of the grate across his face.
"So, what's your business stowing away on my ship?"
Sammy got to his feet with a little hesitation at first, but quickly got the confidence to speak. "Well comma I'm glad I'm finally getting a chance to actually say something, " he said with an air of contempt. "Well, if you must know, I'm a traveling salesman period I'm trying to make my way over to Tanson, just a couple of days away from the port I came from. I've heard there are some very interesting people in Tanson, and I thought it would be lucrative for me."
"Well, what do you sell?"
"Get my suitcase for me and I'll show you," Sammy replied with a hint of fake enthusiasm.
At that very moment, Frank stepped forward and presented Sammy's suitcase, the same ol'worn out thing he'd had for years.
"Why did you grab that," said Don.
"I thought it might be a bomb," Frank said.
Comments
That's all for today, edit along these lines and your story will be great.
Regards, jackson
|
|
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
