"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Hi Carly-March into spring,
Congratulations on being here at WdC another year. Nice, isn't it?
I'll be reviewing, The Notice, today. I'll begin with a short synopsis of the story. The reason for my synopsis is so the author will know whether I actually read their story, whether there were any confusing parts and the noticing of any technical errors. To me, a review is akin to a book report, no review is complete unless you tell what the story is about . . .
Synopsis
Marlene trembled while reading the post, tears crawled down her cheekbones. Finally, it was her son's turn. Anthony would be scared . . . Marlene remembered her own notice. The government had a policy that all people reaching the age of thirteen years must leave the planet and spend one year off-planet, in a designated school.
For some, it was heartbreaking, for Marlene it had been. For her mother and father, it had been. She could still see the mist of her mother's heart spreading across her cheeks and the heartbreak which gathered in her eyes and formed little rivulets alongside her nose. The forlorn expression on her father's face told of his misery. It had been a nightmare for her, she had been too young to be forced from the love and care of her father and mother and forced to live with strangers. But it was the law, the law of the ones with power, there had been nothing . . . nothing they could do, except obey.
The failure to obey the notice would result in severe penalties and fines levied upon the parents, there was no escape . . . The notice informed her it was her son's time to leave, to be torn away from his mother and father and placed in a school off-planet, under the authority of, who knows . . . Were they kind? Could they instill in the heart of a precious child the love and kindness a mother could? Her mind somewhat calmed itself, at least she knew where he was going, that he would not be a slave of abuse as she had been.
She and her husband had scrimped and saved so Anthony could go to a better school than she had. It would be hard, missing him, but they would survive. For this, she gave thanks.
Comments
It is a fine story, easily understandable and follows a good path from the beginning to the end.
Edit suggestions
There are a few places, scattered here and there, where there is more than one space between words.
In paragraph six a semicolon should be changed to a comma. Semicolons join two independent clauses, both the clause before the semicolon and the clause after the semicoln need to be independent clauses in order for a semicolon to be used. The section of your sentence after the semicolon is shown below, . . . two mere six hour sleeps and meals on their feet. That part of the sentence is a dependent clause which is why you need a comma there.
. . . great writing, I loved the story.
Regards, jackson |
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