jackson's (notjackson) Reviews

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426 Public Reviews Given

426 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I am not an expert reviewer, but I have some small amount of talent in the field of writing. I will not edit your work, but typos, grammar mistakes, etc. will be pointed out if I see them. I will give you my impression of your work, encourage you, and do my best to review the work.

I'm good at...

I do my best, whether I am good at it or not.

Favorite Genres

Action/adventure

Least Favorite Genres

Science fiction.

Favorite Item Types

Short stories and

Least Favorite Item Types

No least favorites.

I will not review...

Novels.

1

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#4822145

Review of The Greatest Treasure

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~

bluehats#5,

On the month of your WdC account anniversary . . . a review. Nice work with the story. You probably should stick to one name for the girl, Coraline/Cora.

You used some good sentences throughout the story. I saw a couple of things, or so, that I think you need to edit. They're listed below.

1 Coraline could hear the (voices) below, loud, with no care for how their (voices) betrayed them.

The structure of the sentence is unclear. Betrayed them from what? The sentence makes it sound as if the voices have voices . . .

Coraline could hear the loud people below, they had no care for how their voices might betray their presence.

2 A good thief didn’t waste time, (“in an out”) was her motto.

And is misspelled; do away with the quotation marks, use commas instead.

A good thief didn’t waste time, in and out comma was her motto.

3 Cora shook her head, “I’m okay Mommy.”

Cora shook her head, “I’m okay comma Mommy.”

Nice work, write on . . .

Regards, jackson

2

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#4822106

Review of Serenity

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Dawn Cavalier,

A review from . . .

A summary for the reader . . . it's the story of an artist visiting a coffee shop. While there, their scetchpad handy, they try to find inspiration. Details seen through the eyes of the artist are vividly described. Starts and stops of scetches occur as the artist hesitates . . . stopping each start. At last, settling in on just the right subject, they begin . . .

I noticed a few things which need editing, at your discretion . . . these are only suggestions.

Edit suggestions

Friends chatting at the provided round tables in laid back leather chairs.

Friends were chatting at the provided round tables in laid back leather chairs.

Children desperately trying to entertain themselves with the sudden energy from their sugary drinks.

Children were desperately trying to entertain themselves with the sudden energy from their sugary drinks.

The radio occasionally peaking in with a subdued crescendo before retreating back into its relaxed jazzy lull.

The radio was occasionally peaking in with a subdued crescendo before retreating back into its relaxed jazzy lull.

In this environment of sound and energy, trying to absorb all that I can with my eyes and ears before returning to the blank sketch pad in front of me.

In this environment of sound and energy, I sit trying to absorb all that I can with my eyes and ears before returning to the blank sketch pad in front of me.

Gently and purposefully placing the tip of my pencil down the page and began to draw a short line before raising my pencil off the page again and sighing.

Gently and purposefully placing the tip of my pencil on the page comma I begin to draw a short line before raising my pencil off the page again and sighing.

Then other shapes.

Then I draw other shapes.

Same chatty friends, same unruly children, same occasional music.

I see the same chatty friends, the same unruly children and I hear the same occasional music.

In that moment I knew what I wanted to draw.

In that moment comma I knew what I wanted to draw.

Comments

Add a few words here, a few words there, a comma here, a comma there and you're looking at a 4.5.

Regards, jackson

3

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#4821854

Review of Lesson Learned

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Jacky,
I ran across your portfolio and
I'm dropping by to review an item. I enjoyed your story; it's a nice bit of writing. Sibling rivalry can be a hard thing to overcome, huh? But it seems Susan stopped her brother's meddling in her project midstride. It looks as if James learned his lesson well. And it's great that they are still very good friends.

Comments

I noticed the lack of commas in some strategic places in your story. Below, you can see them. Your written words are listed first, with an edit suggestion below.

Happy writing . . . the story is great. It shows the bond between a sister and brother is not easily broken. Thanks for sharing . . .

Punctuation

1 "If I need your help I’ll ask you."

"If I need your help comma I’ll ask you."

2 "If I have a question I’ll ask you.

"If I have a question comma I’ll ask you.

3 That was fifty-nine years ago, and James. He'd been eight, his sister Susan, seven.

That was fifty-nine years ago, and James comma he'd been eight years old and his sister Susan was seven.

4 Long married himself, James and his wife Alice . . .

Long married himself, James and his wife comma Alice . . .

5 James would blush and stutter, and say “Just lucky I guess.”

James would blush comma stutter, and say comma “Just lucky I guess.”

It's a sweet story with lots of loving memories. Write, write, write . . .

Regards, jackson

4

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#4821724

Review of The Drowned Lover

Review by jackson

In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

von Garret,
. . . a Writing.Com account anniversary review of The Drowned Lover. There were a few things I noticed, they are listed below.

1 Every day I followed her down to the (river;) amidst the weeping willows and the wild roses.

Every day comma I followed her down to the river comma amidst the weeping willows and the wild roses.

The semicolon is used to separate two independent clauses. Every day, I followed her down to the river is an independent clause. but amidst the weeping willows and the wild roses is a dependent clause. The dependent clause can't stand by itself and make sense; it depends on Every day, I followed her down to the river to make sense. You need to use a comma between the two clauses.

By the way, (Every day, I followed her down to the river, amidst the weeping willows and the wild roses.) is a good selection of words. It sounds like poetry.

2 She hummed her Siren's song, and for a time I lived as if in a (dream;) her silent watcher.

She hummed her Siren's song, and for a time I lived as if in a dream comma her silent watcher.

The same with the above sentence, a comma instead of the semicolon.

Other comments
The whole story has a flow and rhythm as if it was poetry. The words complement each other, as a result of the deep emotions present in the narrators mind. For me, it's a stand-out work. Thank you, for sharing . . .

Regards, jackson

5

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#4821593

Review of who is she?

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Chan,

Welcome to Writing.Com. I read your poem, who is she? You said in your bio that you don't know anything about poetry. I'd like to help. What I will say is: I noticed you could express yourself really well. This is evident in the lines of Who is she? What I'd like to do is, reformat your poem, and see if you like it better. I'll do the first stanza only. Your first stanza is directly below, and below that, another way to format it . . . to give it rhythm.

Who is she ?

She don't know who she is anymore?
But whatever she is its not her , the real her is trapped, so far away.
That the key to her freedom is lost and its not coming back.
She is trapped , trapped in a way that she doesn't even know how she got there.
Her wings? Are cutted off in pieces , her hopes? Are shattered , her voice? Is lost , her heart? Forget how to beat , her mind? is not hers anymore.
It's like she is their physically but her mind is being controlled by the demons inside her , making her difficult to breath , to work , to speak , to think rationally .
She is lost , so lost that she forget to come back and now doesn't even know the way back.

New format

Who is she
Anymore she doesn't know
Whoever she is
It's not her inside
She is trapped
So far away

The key
To her freedom
Is lost
And its not coming back
She is trapped
Lost in her own heart

Her wings
Are cut off
Her hopes are shattered
Her voice is lost
Her heart
Forgot how to beat

Her mind
Belongs to another
She is there
But not there
The turmoil inside her
Makes it hard for her to breathe

To speak to work to think
She is lost
So lost she forgot
To come back
Now she doesn't
Know the way back . . .

I hope you like this, It's more like poetry this way. It's only one writer's opinion, disregard it, if you don't like it. Write on . . .

Regards, jackson

6

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#4821551

Review of Story From a Bison Rancher

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

MrH,
On the anniversary of your WdC account, a review . . . I enjoyed reading your story. It let's us know that animals, contrary to the beliefs of many scientists, do have thinking ability . . . the ability to reason. And a bison mother does have love for her offspring.

The study of animal behavior is a complex undertaking.

No matter how many brain scans are performed, no matter how many scientists pore over the resulting pictures, observation in the field is the true key in determining to what extent bison can think, and even observation has its limits. Thank you, for sharing this story with us.

Punctuation/spelling

I took note of a few mistakes in punctuation and spelling in your story, they are listed below, along with a suggested edit.

1 Scanning the (heard) of several hundred he noticed a cow circling and hovering over her calf that was on the . . .

Scanning the herd of several hundred comma he noticed a cow circling and hovering over her calf that was on the . . .

2 With their horns and in as if they communicated with each other, used their horns to attempt to lift the calf up on its feet.

The sentence above is a little awkward . . .

With their horns comma delete (and in) as if they were communicating with each other, they tried to lift the calf to its feet.

With their horns, as if they were communicating with each other, they tried to lift the calf to its feet.

3 . . . the entire herd returned to where the calf had breathed it's last, and filed past, some walking some in a slow trot,

. . . the entire herd returned to where the calf had breathed it's last, and filed past, some walking comma some in a slow trot,

4 A Bison rancher . . .

Bison doesn't need to begin with a capital letter.

5 Not long after leaving her calf two young bulls come charging over the hill to where the calf still lay.

Not long after she left her calf comma two young bulls came charging over the hill to where the calf still laid.

Not long after she left her calf, two young bulls came charging over the hill to where the calf still laid.

6 It seemed like they had only one option which was to kill it and move on, which they dd.

It seemed like they had only one option comma which was to kill it and move on, which they did.

7 They prodded and nudged (but) did something never seen before.

They prodded and nudged and did something never seen before.

They prodded and nudged and did something never seen before.

Comments
Hey, it's a neat story about the behavior of bison. Animals are not without emotions and the ability to think . . .

Regards, jackson

7

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#4821283

Review of The Locket

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Image #1585921 over display limit. -?-

Hello Joyous,
. . . an anniversary review. Congrats on being with WdC another year.

Comments . . .

(for readers of your story.)

The Locket is an endearing story of a young woman becoming old. Her husband, because of a collapsed tunnel, disappears for long years. All she has is the locket, with a picture of her husband inside. She clutches it as she prays for his return. But he doesn't return. Still . . . she prays.

On her deathbed, she calls her relatives to her bedside to distribute her assets. To her granddaughter, she gives the locket. One visitor later, the woman dies, but in the meantime . . .
Are the woman's prayers answered with so little time remaining for her? To find out, read the story.

Punctuation

1 It had been given to my Grandmother Marie long ago . . .

It had been given to my Grandmother comma Marie long ago . . .

2 I came to her side hesitantly, by tears hidden behind a mask at the moment.

I came to her side hesitantly, my tears hidden behind a mask at the moment.

3 . . . and Grandpa hadn’t come home, yet she still prayed, and hoped.

. . . and Grandpa hadn’t came home, yet she still prayed, and hoped.

4 It was for that reason I was surprised that she had given it to me. And the reason I didn’t want it.

The phrase (And the reason I didn’t want it) is not a complete sentence.

It was for that reason I was surprised that she had given it to me comma and it was the reason I didn’t want it.

Final Comments

. . . a good story with a surprise ending. Write on . . .

Regards, jackson

8

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#4821155

Review of Rough Neck-The Gang Buster!

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Image #2194839 over display limit. -?-

Hello Ex!

Congrats on the anniversary of your WdC account.

A synopsis of your story for future readers . . .

Henry Mann is a good man turned bad. His wife is killed and his daughter gravely injured by stray bullets from a gangster fight. As he stands by his daughter's hospital bed, Henry vows revenge. Does he get it? Read the story to find out . . .

Good punctuation makes a good story better. See some things I noticed in your punctuation below . . .

He believes his (mouths) moves to respond when the . . .

He believes his mouth moves to respond when the . . .

A few hours later on comma the children’s ward of the hospital . . .

A few hours later on is an introductory phrase which introduces the rest of the sentence, a comma indicates a short pause there.

Then darkness (over takes) him.

overtakes is misspelled.

He grabs the few items that (was) requested and makes his way to the cashier.

He grabs the few items that were requested . . .

. . . where he believes his wife and daughter (is).

. . . where he believes his wife and daughter are

Wife and daughter are plural, you need to use (are).

At the counter he sees a child’s candy toy.

At he counter comma he sees a child’s candy toy.

At the counter is an introductory phrase, a comma needs to come after it.

Kalee will like this”.

Kalee will like this." The period goes inside the quotation marks.

The period should come after (this) then the quotation mark.

He (put) the items on the counter and (digs) in his pocket for money.

The above sentence uses a singular verb (put) in the first phrase, and a plural verb (digs) in the second phrase; both verbs need to be singular or plural, not a mixture.

He put the items on the counter and dug in his pocket for money.

. . . or alternatively, He puts the items on the counter and digs in his pocket for money.

Once inside he yells out . . .

Once inside comma he yells out . . .

"Hey, I bring home the iron too”.

The period should be inside the quotation marks.

"We do not believe you were
targeted”. the period should be inside the quotation marks.

He says, "Work was alright, but, I live for the (night”,) as he grabs her butt and squeezes. She smiles and pulls away, “Well if you didn’t get the groceries . . .

He says, "Work was alright, but delete comma I live for the (night,") as he grabs her butt and squeezes. She smiles and pulls away, “Well comma if you didn’t get the groceries . . .

Suddenly there is a sharp pain in his shoulder. . .

Suddenly comma there is a sharp pain in his shoulder. . .

Suddenly is an adverb, it modifies the entire sentence which comes after it, a comma needs the separate it from the words it modifies.

To be precise, your family was bystanders hit by stray gunfire.

To be precise, your family were bystanders hit by stray gunfire.

(Family) is plural and (was) is singular, you need to use the plural form of (to be) which is (were).

On the way out Lt. Mitchell turns to Henry and says . . .

On the way out comma Lt. Mitchell turns to Henry and says . . .

. . .he spies a group of men on the side of the buliding . . .

For clarity you need to say, beside the building.

"Hi daddy(!”,) she yells out,
“What did ya get (me?”.)

She yells out, “Hi daddy! What did ya get me?”

The exclamation point terminates Hi daddy! and the question mark terminates What did ya get me? There is no need for the periods.

Comments

It's an excellent story with plenty of action. The only thing I noticed was the punctuation. Write on . . .

Regards, jackson

9

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#4820906

Review of World View

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

lightbeam333,
. . . an anniversary review, in connection to your recent WdC account anniversary. I was impressed by your story, and many of the things you mentioned about the present state of the world, I also, hold concern about.

Image #2194839 over display limit. -?-

I enjoyed how you described your coming to awareness of the things which are important in life. I believe the most important things in life are: love, honoring the Earth, understanding, compassion, the lack of jealousy, not being vengeful and obeying the laws, of course. There are, of course, many other important things.

My favorite line of the whole item is: 'Why is everyone so damn concerned about what others have and not worrying about the things that are important or actually matter.'

You need a question mark at the end of the above sentence. I noticed a few other things as I was reading . . .

1 My soul is old as i have been told many times. I needs to be capitalized

2 Just like i have been told i am an Earth Angel sent to . . .

3 . . . to the things i have seen and have experienced that I just cannot explain.

No matter where it occurs, the pronoun I is always capitalized.

I enjoyed your story, your descriptions of your rebirth into awareness of what is important in life and your growth to reach that state. The Earth needs more people like you.

••• A final thought

Our Earth becomes what we change it into, let us leave it pristine.

Regards, jackson

10

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#4820774

Review of Just an Alabama Girl

Review by jackson

In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Image #1831899 over display limit. -?-

Soul sister,
Congratulations on being at WdC another year. I am sending you some comments on your story, Just an Alabama Girl.

Memories are special, huh? They reside in our hearts, waiting for that special moment they will be released to once again have the breath of life.
My earliest memory, brought to life by your story, is standing in a crib. It was pine, I think, just stained, no paint . . . Along the top were red and blue wooden balls, about the size of marbles. You could spin them around and around.

I enjoyed the way you described your early life. The details about your brother, your father and the rest of the family, give us a vivid eye into what it was like growing up in Alabama. I especially liked the parts about farm life, as I was born on a rural farm in Kentucky.

Since your story is not yet completed all I speak of is: the way it was told, the interesting detail of your ealy life and my enjoyment of it.

Five

s, an excellent story.

Regards, jackson

11

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#4820500

Review of The Creation of Man - Part One

Review by jackson

In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Image #1585921 over display limit. -?-

Good morning Ben Haye 11,

Happy WdC account anniversary . . . an aniversary review.

In The Creation of Man-Part 1, you have honored God.

The story is a wonderful tribute to our creator. You use as your source, the words of the writer of Genesis, who at God's direction and approval wrote the account.

But, 'only the one's who have eyes will see' the truth of Genesis. The blind ones lack the eyes of wisdom.

. . . great writing.

Regards, jackson

12

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#4820356

Review of The Hem of His Garment

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Alex Morgan,
. . . a review from

Image #1585921 over display limit. -?-

Congratulations on the anniversary of your account here at WdC.

A little note to show my appreciation of The Hem of His Garment. This item shows us that stories can be anywhere, it is our obligation as writers to find them in our hearts. You found one . . .

I like how you took a Biblical source and transformed it into this tale. It gives the reader a face to look upon as they read the Biblical account. We see not only a face, but a person. A person whose hope has died in her heart stands before the reader as they read your story. We can see this forlorn woman, experience her emotions, have sympathy in our hearts and experience the joy which filled her when she touched the hem of Jesus' garment. You did a fine job of looking inward and developing this story. You show us her despair from suffering a horrible affliction for twelve years, but more importantly, you show us her faith that the son of God can cure her.

Other Comments

I noticed one little thing, and I know you just missed it when editing. See it below . . .

Rachel put on a brave face as she returned at their greetings . . .

At needs to be deleted.

Five

's

Regards, jackson

13

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14 days may be credited.

#4820096

Review of Nightfall

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Image #2194839 over display limit. -?-

Midnight Dawn,

Good morning, I have just finished being entertained by your item, Nightfall. To congratulate you on another year at WdC, I send you this review.

I enjoyed your descriptions of the stranger, you didn't concentrate on just his outer surface; you gave us a glimpse of his mindset. The rest of the story followed right along the same path which you established with those descriptions. We could imagine sitting there watching the story unfold as if we were a part of it. It's a great story, packed into just a few words. I noticed a couple of places where you need a comma in your story, see them below.

1 Playing cards was his specialty, and playing cards with drunken fools he found in little saloons like this one, well that was his bread and butter.

Paying cards was his specialty, and playing cards with drunken fools he found in little saloons like this one, well comma that was his bread and butter.

In using the word well, well, it's an introductory word which introduces the whole sentence, or phrase which follows it. It suggests a slight pause before someone continues speaking.

2 Under the sherriff's watchful eyes, the stranger mounted up and rode out of town a little richer for his time.

Under the sherriff's watchful eyes, the stranger mounted up and rode out of town comma a little richer for his time.

In the sentence above, the main objective of the sentence is to tell the reader (the sheriff watches the stranger as he mounts up and rides out of town.) Following that, you give us the extra information that the stranger is now a little richer. A comma needs to separate the two things.

. . . great story.

Regards, jackson

14

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14 days may be credited.

#4819959

Review of Cemetery Rd...Story

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Image #1585921 over display limit. -?-

Hello ~BABYLOVE~,

. . . a review on the anniversary of your creating an account on WdC. This is meant to be a helpful review, I hope you are still writing, because your story was enjoyable. I will offer a suggestion . . .

What a writer wants to do, is to have their work read. It's the writer's need, to draw the reader's attention. A good opening will catch the reader's attention, inducing them to continue reading. With this in mind, I offer this suggestion . . . Instead of your opening lines which are below . . .

Your opening

This girl is getting ready to leave her home. She gets in her car and turns the engine on, she stares straight out of the window and starts the strange thoughts of things happening and thoughts of things that might be happening.

I would open your story something like this . . .

Strange things happen on Cemetery Road. The last time she drove on that road, weird thoughts crept into her mind. But here she was, sitting in her car with the key in her hand, only seconds away from driving on Cemetery Road again.

Oh Lord, she thought. Please don't let that happen again.

Punctuation
I will give you a few tips on punctuation below . . .

I am listing your sentence/sentences first, followed by an edit suggestion.

1 There is no cars passing by or coming towards her.

Above, if your sentence was talking about one car, (is) would be the right word to use, but if you are talking about two or more cars, you need to use (are.) Always use (is) when speaking of one object, and (are) for more than one.

2 She put the blinker to turn left and presses the gas and then turns to the left and accelerates.

In the sentence above, replace the first two (ands) with a comma. Your sentence is an (and) splice.

She turns on the blinker to turn left comma presses the gas comma turns to the left and accelerates.

3 She (hires) the volume on the radio . . .

She turns the volume higher on the radio . . .

Final thoughts

Editing is as important as writing, use your own judgement on whether to edit or not, but the fine-tuned product is like a guitar, it sounds better when tuned. Always keep writing, because you have a lot of words that want to be said.

Regards, jackson

15

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14 days may be credited.

#4819798

Review of Forgotten Hero

Review by jackson

In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Image #1831899 over display limit. -?-

Hi bonrose68,

. . . a WdC account anniversary review. Your poem, Forgotten Hero has a good rhythm, it sounds good when read aloud. I appreciate your appreciation of all the forgotten heros of the world. They need to be remembered, and not only on Veterans Day, or with the laying down of plastic flowers on Memorial Day. Although these things do show a measure of gratitude, the forgotten heros need to be remembered in our hearts, as you have remembered them with your words.

Regards, jackson

16

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14 days may be credited.

#4819599

Review of To sit down on the train

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Image #2194839 over display limit. -?-

A review from Anniversary Reviews, congrats on the anniversary of your opening a WdC account. Ha, ha, ha! It's a great story. I have been in some lines about like that in the Philippines. I usually stand up, with one hand on my wallet. The only thing I noticed which kept me from rating your story as perfect was comma placement. Whenever there are two or more actions in the same sentence, a comma needs to separate these actions for ease of reading. Below, I'll list the ones I noticed.

If he tarried too long comma he’d get bypassed. If he went too soon comma he’d get trampled.

Looking to his right comma Jack saw his counterpart.

Long before the train arrived comma Jack heard it.

Usually he was several places back in the line, and only on the weekend did he ever get to actually sit down.

In the sentence directly above, Usually is an adverb, it modifies the entire sentence, so it needs a comma after it.

But as he pushed his way in comma he stepped on the man’s foot as he went towards an open seat.

My final thoughts regarding the story . . .

It's a good, sound story, with just the right amount of detail to make it humorous. Action abounds, and the thoughts and actions of Jack lend believability to the story. Great job . . .

Regards, jackson

17

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14 days may be credited.

#4819492

Review of DWG: Badge Dream, We Dream Big!

Review by jackson

In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Image #1831899 over display limit. -?-

Hi dogpack . . .

I've been meaning to send you a review . . . got your port from Anniversary Reviews. I have recently read a little from your blog, the words there told me you are strong. Strength of the heart keeps us going . . . Dreams give us strength. . . yours presented on this page are delightful. A well-presented, ambitious, thoughtful, beatiful page stared back at me as I looked upon it. Way to go . . . a lovely page design, great work.

Regards, jackson

18

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14 days may be credited.

#4819358

Review of The Day His Hair Turned White

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Image #2194839 over display limit. -?-

peoplewatcher,

From Anniversary Reviews, a review of, The Day His Hair Turned White. I like the story, it's refreshing to read true to life stories. Yours is the story of a young boy, delivering newspapers before daylight. Toward the end of his route, he is badly frightened by the sudden appearance of a weird, out of place man. He runs away as swiftly as he can. Upon arriving home, he asks his mom to tell him the truth . . . '. . . has my hair turned white?'

I did notice a few things you missed when editing the story, see them below . . .

1 (Normally) he and his siblings were not allowed to go anywhere except school or errands.

You need a comma after Normally, it's an adverb and modifies the entire sentence.

2 Why not set the alarm to get up earlier than usual, do the route and then go fishing.

Above, you are asking yourself a question as the narrator of the story. The sentence needs a question mark.

3 After that he needed confirmation from his mother that he was allright.

In this sentence, the boy performed an action in the previous sentence and . . . After that comma he needed confirmation from his mother . . .

4 He had a question he needed to ask her but they needed to be in the light when she answered him.

In the sentence above but is a conjunction which joins two independent clauses, you need a comma before it

5 "what is wrong? You look like you have seen a ghost!"

" begin (What) with a capital letter "What is wrong? You look like you have seen a ghost!"

6 he had to come up with a plan..

An ellipsis is three dots.

7 He looked over his shoulder every now and then to see if the person was chasing him.

(every now and then) needs a comma before it and it needs a comma after it.

8 "hey, I just seen a dead body standing upright in that doorway back there".

8 "Hey, I just saw a dead body standing upright in that doorway back there".

Begin (hey) with a capital letter, and (seen) needs to be saw)

9 . . . before 8:00A.M.

A space is needed between between 8:00 and A.M.

I enjoyed reading your story . . .

Regards, jackson

19

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14 days may be credited.

#4819187

Review of Walk the Plank

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello Rick Dean,

It was a pleasure to read, Walk the Plank.

A brief synopsis of, Walk the Plank.

It's the story of two men aboard a pirate ship, Stuart, a thief, and Edward, a former stowaway. Stuart loses his share of their last act of piracy while throwing the bones. He decides to steal the markers Pegleg Will carries against him, but is caught in the act. Onboard ship, the penalty for theft is death. A trial is held. After the verdict. Stuart is grabbed by the scalp and the breekers, then fed to the sharks. Edward decides at his first opportunity, he will take his leave . . .

Good story . . . I also really liked your other story I reviewed

To be helpful, I offer suggestions in punctuation, use it as you see fit . . .

Edit suggestions

He only saw one paper(;) his own marker – his final marker - disappearing into the meaty paws of Pegleg Will, the crippled cook of The Diving Swan.

Directly above, is an incorrect use of a semicolon. The part of the sentence before the semicolon, I only saw one paper is an independent clause, but the part after the semicolon, his own marker – his final marker - disappearing into the meaty paws of Pegleg Will, the crippled cook of The Diving Swan. This is a dependent clause, depending on the first clause to make sense. Both clauses need to be independent when using a semicolon.

Stuart's eyes sunk, crestfallen, barely hearing the gravelly voice.

Stuart's eyes sank, he was screstfallen, barely hearing the gravelly voice.

"Oh, that's right, ye' can't. Like I always says, 'you can't pay, you can't play!" He loosed a coarse belly-laugh and announced, "who's next?"

"Oh, that's right, (ye) can't. Like I always says, You can't pay, You can't play!" He loosed a coarse belly-laugh and announced, "Who's next?"

Note: for consistency, you need to use the same pronoun throughout what Will says directly above. Use (ye) or (you), one or the other . . .

After dark he grabbed a piece of scrap lumber. . .

After dark comma he grabbed a piece of scrap lumber. . .

"You may be broke but you're not in debt."

"You may be broke comma but you're not in debt."

He just rented Edward, not to mention that in Edward he trained his future competition.

He just rented Edward, not to mention that in Edward comma he trained his future competition.

. . . the master lost out his investment.

. . . the master lost remove (out) his investment.

Mostly they ate and drank what they captured . . .

Mostly comma they ate and drank what they captured . . .

"Care to roll the bones again, lad," taunted Pegleg Will?

The question mark is in the wrong place . . .

Pegleg Will taunted, "Care to roll the bones again, lad?"

He shared Edwards sense of isolation from the rest of the crew.

He shared Edward's sense of isolation from the rest of the crew.

. . . groans of the ships timbers soon had Edward . . .

. . . groans of the ship's timbers soon had Edward . . .

He lie awake thinking.

He laid awake comma thinking.

The bricks floor, though heavy, added one more protection against the threat of fire.

The brick floor, though heavy, added one more protection against the threat of fire.

Upon further inspection he realized he was looking at several pairs of very large women's underdrawers.

Upon further inspection comma he realized he was looking at several pairs of very large women's underdrawers.

The surest way to lose control of the crew (as) to treat even the least of them unfairly. Even the appearance of unfairness, accurate or not, could turn the ships mood against its. . .

The surest way to lose control of the crew was to treat even the least of them unfairly. Even the appearance of unfairness, accurate or not, could turn the ship's mood against its. . .

So, Harper prepared himself both any surprises that might arise, and a hard decision if they didn't.

So, Harper prepared himself for both any surprises that might arise, and a hard decision if they didn't.

He thought for a moment and remembered, "the Pegleg wears woman's drawers, sire! I saw 'em in his trunk.!"

He thought for a moment and remembered, "The Pegleg wears woman's drawers, sire! I saw 'em in his trunk!"

Final comments

An edit here and there . . . Good story . . .

Regards, jackson

20

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14 days may be credited.

#4819022

Review of Treasure of Montbars the Exterminator

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello Rick Dean,

A short synopsis of your story.

It's the story of Marta, a young girl. She's on a beach gathering driftwood for a fire. Most of the drifting wood follows the current into a cave. Marta goes inside for easier gathering. After a while, she uncovers an old chest buried in the sand, digs it out, and finds a human skull inside. It's old . . . She gets the skull outside and finds some sort of note with it . . . Here lies the head and hoard of Montbars the Exterminator. Further, there was a curse placed upon the hoard. But Marta didn't think it was true, would she find out?

While reading, I noticed a few things, they are listed below, with your sentence listed first, then a suggested edit. I do this to be helpful, use at your discretion.

Suggested edits

Little Gouverneur's Bay would disappoint tourists for the next few days(;) what few tourists it held.

Little Gouverneur's Bay would disappoint tourists for the next few days comma what few tourists it held.

An independent clause and a dependent clause, which you have in the sentence above, are joined with a comma. There must be two independent clauses to use a semicolon.

. . . but for the most part the next two months would be her vacation.

. . . but for the most part comma the next two months would be her vacation.

Better they look then not want to look.

Better they look comma then not want to look.

The storm deposited most of it but the rest had been left by dumb kids.

The storm deposited most of it comma but the rest had been left by dumb kids.

She liked to think that had she been invited she wouldn't have been too lazy to throw out her beer bottles and empty cigarette packs.

She liked to think that had she been invited comma she wouldn't have been too lazy to throw out her beer bottles and empty cigarette packs.

Meanwhile she took the round object out into the light.

Meanwhile comma she took the round object out into the light.

She shook yet tried to tell herself she was being silly.

She shook comma yet tried to tell herself she was being silly.

Two vacant eye sockets leered back at her; (their empty voids filled with sand.)

Above, the part of the sentence after the semicolon is dependent on the part before the semicolon to make sense . . . a comma instead of a semicolon needs to be used to connect the two clauses.

Two vacant eye sockets leered back at her comma their empty voids filled with sand.

Suddenly now I had a plot, and who doesn't love good pirate yarn?

Suddenly comma now I had a plot, and who doesn't love a good pirate yarn?

Here Lies the Head and Horde of Montbars the Exterminator . . .

Here Lies the Head and Hoard of Montbars the Exterminator . . .

(Horde) is a great crowd, a herd . . .

. . . great story, write on . . .

Regards, jackson

21

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14 days may be credited.

#4818672

Review of The Yellow Buttoned Jacket

Review by jackson

In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Image #1831899 over display limit. -?- )

Hey abel,

. . . an anniversary review. There's not a word I would change, not a rhythm I would complain about in this work. It crawls across the page at whatever speed the reader is reading, making word music. The heart who sees, and knows good work, follow it aloud as they read silently. Thanks for sharing this with us.

Regards, jackson

22

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14 days may be credited.

#4818339

Review of Silicon ticket

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Image #2194839 over display limit. -?-

Hello Richforce,
This review is an "Anniversary Reviews"

review.

• • •
This story is interesting, dealing with a robot facing charges for a couple of traffic violations. The robot gives its defense testimony with an expression on its face approximating that of a dried plum. Its defense of itself was about as logical as a scientist who thinks he/she can see from a horse's eyes, and determine which colors a horse can see.

It seems the robot thought it was driving an Emergency vehicle, becaue its owner made a rhetorical remark about how his wife would kill him if she didn't get the package the robot was going to deliver to her. The charges against it were, speeding and running a red light. Good story . . . Write on!

WdC recommends that reviews be, both, helpful and encouraging. it is my habit to be helpful with punctuation.

Some punctuation errors I noticed . . . with a suggested edit below each one.

"Granted they were still quite expensive."

"Granted comma they were still quite expensive."

"He doesn’t.” said a bald man who stood up from the gallery.

"He doesn’t.” Said a bald man who stood up from the gallery.

"The offender is the one to answer charges,” said Miss Lang. “you didn’t commit the crime so you are not being charged."

"The offender is the one to answer charges,” said Miss Lang. “You didn’t commit the crime comma so you are not being charged.”

"Yeah, but if it’s guilty I still have to pay for it!

"Yeah, but if it’s guilty comma I still have to pay for it!

"Affirmative, after proving I was fully capable of driving I was granted a license so I could perform my duties.”

"Affirmative, after proving I was fully capable of driving comma I was granted a license so I could perform my duties.”

"Then tell me where did you get the idea that a delivery truck is an emergency vehicle"?

Then tell me comma where did you get the idea that a delivery truck is an emergency vehicle?”

"Your Honor, on the day in question my Owner . . ."

“Your Honor, on the day in question comma my owner . . ."

"As you can see I was preventing a homicide.”

"As you can see comma I was preventing a homicide.”

"A misunderstanding Your Honor?”

"A misunderstanding comma Your Honor?”

"Oh, so it wasn’t a real emergency.”

"Oh, so it wasn’t a real emergency question mark ”

"So it was my logic that was faulty.”

"So it was my logic that was faulty question mark ”

"Yes, however since the instruction that started this whole mess was given by Mr. Miller I am still going to find in the favor of the people."

"Yes, however comma since the instruction that started this whole mess was given by Mr. Miller comma I am still going to find in the favor of the people."

. . . not the landmark case he hoping for but it was a start.

. . . not the landmark case he was hoping for comma but it was a start.

I enjoyed reading and chuckling at your story.

Regards, jackson

23

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14 days may be credited.

#4818183

Review of Boxed

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Image #2194839 over display limit. -?-

Beholden,
. . . a botched anniversary review, er . . . er, Boxed review.

I chanced upon this image, this box . . . I couldn't help myself, had to say a few words. Well, my first thought was: Hey, that's hilarious. I'm dumbfounded at the simplicity of someone with a box enclosing most of them being so funny to me. You could create all kinds of stories about this image. The background of why they are in the box, can they remove themselves from the box? . . . if they like it in there, etc. Great image . . .

Regards, jackson

24

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14 days may be credited.

#4817872

Review of The Fog

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Eregnon,

I just read, The Fog. I have a few short comments . . .

Imagery
Your descriptions of the boy's thoughts, and his taking notice of the enviornment while walking through the fog . . . great work. I especially enjoyed the last paragraph.

The boy first hears it, growling, whining and sometimes moaning. A monster? Then, a pair of yellow eyes appear from within the fog. It creeps toward him, its jaws agape, ready to swallow him. It sildes to a halt inches from his feet . . .

The boy sighs, and gets on the bus to head for another boring day at school.

Wonderful! You prepared us readers for who knows what, and then, the bus . . .

Edit suggestions
In your sentence below, you used the word leant.

The fog leant them malevolence, as though . . .

Leant means . . . it leans, or its structure slants to one side or the other.
You need to use lent, (to loan to).

Great story . . .

Regards, jackson

25

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14 days may be credited.

#4817582

Review of The Critic

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Image #2194839 over display limit. -?-

Hey Igserio,

A review from "Anniversary Reviews"

Comments

Your story is kind of funny. I, too, have encountered The Critic. But I have found a way to slow their criticism. see it below . . .

How to keep the critics at bay. Here, I offer my humble advice to the ones who think they are being critized . . .

During your writing, write five sentences, then edit them. Ask yourself, Did I spell everything correctly? Did I use proper punctuation? Did I fill each line with words, except when ending a paragraph? Repeat the above with your next five sentences, the end result will be, when the story is completed, that you have an already edited story.

Keeping in mind your story, I humbly offer these edit suggestions below.

A few lines from your story. . . and below each line, an edit suggestion.

Allow me to introduce myself.
I am The Critic.
My real name you ask? Well let’s just say I go by scores of identities and my gender varies.

You can find me easily as I am everywhere there is something that can be judged.
I am above all gods and demons, for they to can be dissected and must bow to my point of view.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am The Critic. My real name you ask? Well comma let’s just say I go by scores of identities and my gender varies.

You can find me easily as I am everywhere there is something that can be judged. I am above all gods and demons, for they too can be dissected and must bow to my point of view.

A few more of your lines . . .

There is no escaping my opinions so do not try.

There is no escaping my opinions comma so do not try.

If I do not agree with your political point of view I will dismiss you.
I will not try and understand your trials and tribulations.

If I do not agree with your political point of view comma I will dismiss you. I will not try to understand your trials and tribulations.

If the music you listen to is not to my liking I will rip it to shreds.

If the music you listen to is not to my liking comma I will rip it to shreds.

Comments

I am not here to critize, but to offer suggestions, write on . . .

Regards, jackson