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I am not an expert reviewer, but I have some small amount of talent in the field of writing. I will not edit your work, but typos, grammar mistakes, etc. will be pointed out if I see them. I will give you my impression of your work, encourage you, and do my best to review the work.
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1
1
Review of Kiss of Death 1  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)

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Hello IrishHuntress,
I see it's the anniversary of your becoming a member of WdC. In my review, I'll list anything which needs to be edited, and below the listings, a suggested edit. Punctuation is what I'll be looking at today. towards the end of the review, I'll make a few comments on the story . . .

Edit list

#1 It was the first day back to school after Christmas break for the students at Falcon College, but to some it was their first day.

Xavier walked down the hall trying to find her history class this being her first day.

Brendan and Vincent, two students watched as they . . .


It was the first day back to school after Christmas break for the students at Falcon College, but to some comma it was their first day.

Xavier walked down the hall trying to find her history class comma this being her first day.

Brendan and Vincent, two students comma watched as they . . .

#2 She wore black goth clothing and a flame pendent . . .


She wore black goth clothing and a flame pendant . . .

#3 Xavier walked past two guys that were staring at her. “What so there something wrong with the way I look?”


Xavier walked past two guys who were staring at her. “What comma so there is something wrong with the way I look?”

#4 Brendan stared at her unable to speak due to her beauty.


Brendan stared at her comma unable to speak due to her beauty.

#5 "Well you know what I don’t care what you think and I don’t appreciate you staring at me,” she looked at Brendan, “What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue buddy boy?”


"Well comma you know what comma I don’t care what you think and I don’t appreciate you staring at me period" She looked at Brendan period “What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue comma buddy boy?”

#6 "I ah... oh... ahh..." Brendan could not speak. Vincent laughed and hit Brendan in the shoulder.


"I ah... oh... ahh..." Brendan could not speak. Vincent laughed and hit Brendan on the shoulder.

#7 Vincent thought that the name sounded like one of a male but he never said anything about that. "Hello Xavier," said Brendan finally speaking.

“Oh so he does know how to talk,” said Xavier.


Vincent thought delete (that) the name sounded like that of a male comma but he never said anything. "Hello Xavier," said Brendan comma finally speaking.

“Oh comma so he does know how to talk,” said Xavier.

#8 "No I don’t have one nor do I have a need for one and plus what’s any business of yours? Oh look a guy who blushes.”


"No comma I don’t have one comma nor do I have a need for one period How's that any business of yours? Oh look comma a guy who blushes.”

#9 Brendan stopped blushing and looked at the ground. "Temper, temper there goth girl," said Vincent walking off to his next class.

“I would be watching what you call me,” she yells after Vincent, “Why can’t you look a girl in the eye boy?”


Brendan stopped blushing and looked at the ground. "Temper, temper comma delete (there) goth girl," said Vincent and walked off to his next class.

“I would be watching what you call me,” Xavier yelled after Vincent period “Why can’t you look a girl in the eye comma boy?”

#10 He has no girlfriend because the way he acts and what he says."

“Well I’m used to it and I have been called worse for years. What about you?”

"Me? Well I just hang around Vincent.

“Well you shouldn’t hang out with a guy who talks that way to girls, you look too nice to do that.”

"Why thank you Xavier," replied Brendan. The two of them started to continue walking. "He is a good guy though, well most of the time. What class do you have?"


"He has no girlfriend because of the way he acts and what he says."

“Well comma I’m used to it comma and I have been called worse for years . . ."

"Me? Well comma I just hang around Vincent.

“Well comma you shouldn’t hang out with a guy who talks that way to girls, you look too nice to do that.”

"Why thank you comma Xavier," replied Brendan. The two of them started walking. "He is a good guy though, well comma most of the time. What class do you have next?"

#11 "No I have not I just started, this is my first day.
”
"Well if you have no one to have lunch with I would be gladly to join you."

“Ok why not?"


No comma I have not comma I just started, this is my first day."

"Well comma if you have no one to have lunch with comma I would be glad to to join you."

“Ok comma why not?"

#12 "Well in history right now I have Renaissance."


Well comma in history right now comma I have Renaissance."

#13 "I have that class after lunch. No this essay is for ancient history,” she said, “


"I have that class after lunch. No comma this essay is for ancient history,” she said period"

#14 "Well today I have the Renaissance and after lunch I have a general education class in literature."


Well comma today I have the Renaissance comma and after lunch comma I have a general education class in literature."

#15 "There is the one in B building and there is one on E building."


There is the one in B building and there is one in E building."

#16 "I don’t care, either one is fine with me even though I don’t know where they are."


"I don’t care, either one is fine with me comma even though I don’t know where they are."

#17 "After your class right now I'll meet you right here," said Brendan, "Is that okay?"


"After your class right now comma I'll meet you right here," said Brendan period "Is that okay?"

#18 Finally class ended, Xavier waited outside her class for Brendan. She thought that he seemed to be a nice guy and wondered if his thoughts were filled of her like hers are of him.


Finally class ended, Xavier waited outside her class for Brendan. She thought that he seemed to be a nice guy and wondered if his thoughts were filled with her comma as hers were of him.

#19 "That is very interesting that you own a tavern, and of course I'm sorry over your parents passing."


"That is very interesting that you own a tavern, and comma of course comma I'm sorry over your parents passing."

#20 "No it's in the country," she replied.


"No comma it’s in the country,” she replied.

#21 "Well there is not much interesting about me," replied Brendan, "My whole life I have lived in this area, born and raised.


"Well comma there is not much interesting about me," replied Brendan, "My whole life I have lived in this area period I was born and raised here."

"22 Not as interesting as owning a tavern I must say."


"It's not as interesting as owning a tavern I must say."

#23 "Well I live off campus How old are you?”

“Well comma I live off campus period How old are you?”

#24 Finally Brendan snapped out of his dream state.


Finally comma Brendan snapped out of his dream state.

Comments

It is an interesting story about two young people meeting at college and becoming romantically involved . . .

Two friends, Vincent and Brendan, meet the new girl, Xavier, at college. She's beautiful, Brendan is smitten, and Vincent busys himself being the usual cow pie he actually is. Xavier develops feelings for Brendan. They arrange a date, dinner at her place . . . Vincent keeps showing up at inopportune moments . . .

The dialog is good, a fine example of the speech of young, college students. The flow of the story is not confusing to the reader, a big plus in stories with a lot of dialog. A good job . . .

Regards, jackson
2
2
Review of Camping..  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)

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Hi Captaintaya,

Happy WdC account anniversary. Hey, this is a pretty good story about a family on a camping trip. The man seems, to me, to be some kind of half-baked cow pie. He sort of ruins the whole trip. It begins with the man and woman buying some drinking alcohol. He flirts with a woman in the store to start the camping trip in the direction he wants it to go.

It's a good story, I enjoyed reading it. Below, I'll make some suggestions for editing . . . punctuation, a word every now and again and anything else I notice. To simplify things, I'll write your words first, and below those, my suggestions for editing.

#1 Earlier that day we made an agreement to not get too heavy on the alcohol as we walked into the liquor store picking up beers and revs.

Earlier that day comma we made an agreement to not get too heavy on the alcohol as we walked into the liquor store picking up beers and revs.

#2 Knowing deep in my stomach that it was all a lie, I still wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt as I hand the lady fifty bucks for the drinks and start to walk away watching him flirt with some other chick at the cash register, explaining to her where we are at for camping in the evening and that she should come on out for some music and drinks.

Knowing deep in my stomach that it was all a lie, I still wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt as I hand the lady fifty bucks for the drinks and start to walk away period I watch him flirt with some other chick at the cash register, explaining to her where we are delete (at for) camping in the evening and suggesting she should come on out for some music and drinks.

#3 We get into the van and drive up the road some before he even glares my direction to dare and speak even a word to me. He knows I know he was flirting but I wasn't about to let it ruin my night with the kids and everyone else that was joining us in a little family gathering.

We get into the van and drive up the road some before he glares in my direction and dares to speak to me. He knows I know he was flirting comma but I wasn't about to let it ruin my night with the kids and everyone else who was joining us in a little family gathering.

#4 We pull up to the gas station as he jumps out of the van and gets some gas I take a quick run into the store to pick up some gum. For some reason I love chewing gum when drinking. Bad habit I suppose but I enjoy it. He climbs back in and I get in and we drive off yet again.

We pull up to the gas station and he jumps out of the van and gets some gas period I take a quick run into the store to pick up some gum. For some reason comma I love chewing gum when I'm drinking. It's a bad habit comma I suppose comma but I enjoy it. He climbs back in comma and I get in and we drive off yet again.

#5 Not our fault he's no fun and we enjoy things that he don't. Perhaps if he'd lighten up a bit he'd enjoy some of the songs and fun times laughing and smiling with the kids too.

It's not our fault he's not any fun and we enjoy things that he dosn't. Perhaps comma if he'd lighten up a bit comma he'd enjoy some of the songs and fun times laughing and smiling with the kids too.

#6 He rolled his eyes at me and kept driving making loud annoying sighs enough to drive a person batty.

He rolled his eyes at me and kept driving comma while making loud annoying sighs that were enough to drive a person batty.

#7 We pull into the camp site and ask for where our family has set up at and what reserved space we are placed to at the courtesy desk.

We pull into the camp site and ask at the courtesy desk where our family has set up camp and what reserved space we are in.

#8 Lucky for us its right next door to all the fun.

Lucky for us comma it's right next door to all the fun.

#9 Kids are in the back seat highly excited to see everyone there waiting for us, as they rush to unbuckle each other and laughing while they near jump out of the van. We smile and start getting things unpacked and set up while the kids trot off to the park up the trail. While were setting up we decide to enjoy a few drinks with the family and get into the fun of camping. Aunts cooking on the bbq and uncle is relaxing in the chair while their sons help us set up the tent and toss our things inside.

The kids are in the back seat comma highly excited to see everyone there waiting for us period

They rush to unbuckle each other and laugh while they nearly jump out of the van. We smile and start getting things unpacked and set up comma while the kids trot off to the park up the trail. While we're setting up comma we decide to enjoy a few drinks with the family and get into the fun of camping. Aunt's cooking on the bbq and uncle is relaxing in the chair comma while their sons help us set up the tent and toss our things inside.

#10 This whole time he never speaks to me, not even look in my direction, perhaps afraid to talk to me, I really don't know what the reason was but it didn't bother me too much I was having a great time with his aunt cooking and cleaning up . . .

This whole time he never speaks to me, not even looking in my direction period Perhaps comma he's afraid to talk to me, I really don't know what the reason is comma but it doesn' bother me too much period I was having a great time with his aunt cooking and cleaning up . . .

#11 We have the radio playing good old country tunes as the laughter continues from the men in the back ground talking about woman and other foolishness as they always do when we gather. We give a quick holler out to the kids to come and eat and they come running as quick as their little feet will take them as if its the last meal of their life they really dive right into it.

We have the radio playing good old country tunes as the laughter continues from the men in the background talking about women and other foolishness as they always do when we gather. We give a quick holler out to the kids to come and eat period They come running as quick as their little feet will bring them comma as if its the last meal of their life period They really dive right into it.

#12 Helping clean up is always hectic but fun. I like splashing dish water on the men and blowing bubbles on the kids period They run comma acting like they don't like it! I enjoy telling the men if they don't help, their next meal will be on the same plate they just ate from.

Comments

I enjoyed reading your story; you're a good storyteller.
I hope my review helps you in some way.

Regards, jackson
3
3
Review of My Wish  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)


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Hello Starr,

Comments

Your verse, My Wish, seems to be coming from the heart. Good work . . . The words hold truth from the heart of one, to the heart and mind of another. It wraps itself across the page effortlessly, a message from one who loves to the one loved. I would call your item, free-verse. In free-verse there are no rules of constraint to consider, just write the feelings as you see fit. I enjoyed reading your work, you expressed yourself in an easy to understand manner.

Edit suggestions

In the fourth stanza, you misspelled endeavor.
 Endeavor is the American version of the word, whereas, endeavour is the preferred spelling in Great Britain. You misspelled it as, endevour.

 I noticed you used an ellipsis a couple of times, there is a standard for doing that, it should consist of three periods, and there should be a space between the ellipsis and the first letter of the word following the ellipsis.

I noticed in your item you used three periods once, and later, you used four periods for the ellipsis. And you left no space between the ellipsis and the following word. Below is an example in your item of your use of an ellipsis.

And yet...I cannot.

In your last line of the item, which follows, you need an apostrophe in (hearts).

That is my heart's wish.

Regards, jackson
4
4
Review of White Tale  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)

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Hi Gene,

Congratulations on the anniversary of the month you created your Writing.Com account.

White Tale, is graceful. It's like the feline it is written about, beautiful, ageless, mysterious . . .

Proudly, she walks across the sand in the shadows of moonlight, yet never moves from the sacred place where she stands. She knows her people and stands there, a sentinel over them across the ages.

I liked how you expressed her thoughts and feelings. She sees all, her eyes move without blinking.

Edit suggestions

In a word she is breathtaking.

In a word (comma) she is breathtaking.

She must have thoughts that inspire or encourage?

She must have thoughts that inspire or encourage? (Delete the question mark, the sentence is not a question, it's thoughts of whether she has thoughts.)

Some say she lives only in the moment . . .

Some say (comma) she lives only in the moment . . .

Some say introduces the rest of the sentence, it needs a comma after it.

. . . good story.

Regards, jackson
5
5
Review of The Green Beret  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Hello again Fyn,
I enjoyed your story, The Green Beret.

Here's another review for you. Your story about the song, The Green Beret, is great, it brings memories to my heart. I always loved that song, because my brother was in Vietnam at the time, but he was a Marine. And it was about time for me to be drafted by the U.S. government when the song was popular.

That guy who recorded the song, Barry Sadler, had a great voice. I never knew but a couple of verses of any song when I was young, but now I have a videoke machine; I still can't sing . . . Ha, ha.

Your story of Tammy changing the words of the song a little, while she was singing, to reflect a woman's point of view, is a great little story. I loved it . . . The song makes me want to cry, it's so sad, and haunts the heart. Your story does the same . . . The story exhibits insight, heartfelt memories and good writing.

Regards, jackson
6
6
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Hey KingsSideCastle,
Could you return a couple of items for me?

Kidding aside, I enjoyed your story. It was humorous, the dialog was great, and you gave them what for.

Years ago, I went to Sears to return some Craftsman screwdrivers. There was this prune sitting behind the Customer Service counter. I had about twenty screwwdrivers which were old and worn out. They kept slipping out of the screwheads. At the time, Craftsman would replace any screwdrivers you brought in, no receipt necessary.

Well, I presented the prune with my screwdrivers; she looked at me and said, "Why are you returning these?" I explained, but she shook her head and said, "I don't see anything wrong with them."

I had never had any kind of problem there before, having taken back many screwdrivers when they no longer served their purpose.

I was unhappy, I let loose my best scowl in the prune's direction and pointed to the huge sign on the wall behind her. She looked. 'Satisfaction Guaranteed, or Your Money Back.'

The prune lowered her eyes when she turned back toward me. "I'm not satisfied", I said.

She immediately exchanged the screwdrivers.

Sorry, I guess I got sidetracked there for a minute . . . lol.

Your story is great; I loved it. You have a good sense of humor, and know how to express it in words.

I did see one little thing; I'm sure it's a typo. It's in the second paragraph . . .

I remember pushing a Giant Panda through the store annoyed as the chorus of Shop Around by the Miracles played around me making me way through a crowd of shoppers waiting in line and eventually reaching the counter.

. . . making me way, should be, making my way.

. . . great story.

Regards, jackson
7
7
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)

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Hi peanutbutter,
. . . another anniversary review. I liked your story, the terrorists of the world are very evil. You told the reader the story in a compelling manner, a little editing here and there would make it much better.

I'll use the same method I used in the other review. I'll look the story over and see how it can be improved by editing. Even the best stories are not perfect, every story ever written can be improved upon. I'll just start at the begining of the story and work my way to the end. Feel free to use my suggestions in any way you see fit . . .

#1 The day the Twin Towers fell my heart sunk.

The day the Twin Towers fell comma my heart my heart sank.

#2 I was very upset over what had happened.Then later on that day i got a phone call from my brother who was serving in the military that his platoon was going to New York to help out any way they could after what had happened there on 9/11 .

I was very upset over what had happened. Then later on that day comma I got a phone call from my brother comma who was serving in the military comma telling me that his platoon was going to New York to help out any way they could after what had happened there on 9/11.

There are too many spaces between the end of the first sentence and the beginning of the second sentence. There should be only one space between the two.

There should be no space between 9/11 and the period at the end of the sentence.

Below, I'll write out the rest of the story as you wrote it, then below that, I will edit it, or make some suggestions for editing.

The story continued

Then i told him i would pray for their safe return to there base where they were stationed.Then after a few weeks I got another phone call from my brother that his platoon was going to Iraq to fight in the war that was going on at the time that caused 9/11 to occur.Then about four months went by before he could calls us and let us know he was okay.So then he served four tours in Iraq.Then a few years later he returned to his base were he was stationed. So after returning stateside he decided to retire out of the military .He decided to start to enjoy his retirement with his new wife.

Then I told him I would pray for their safe return to their base where they were stationed. After a few weeks comma I got another phone call from my brother telling me that his platoon was going to Iraq to fight in the war that was going on at the time which caused 9/11 to occur. About four months went by before he could calls us and let us know he was okay. So then comma he served four tours in Iraq. A few years later comma he returned to the base where he was stationed. After returning stateside comma he decided to retire from the military. He decided to start to enjoy his retirement with his new wife.

When you wrote the story, you used (then) and so too many times. You don't want to repeat the same words many times in a story . . . the word (I) is always a capital letter. (I)

I hope this helps . . .

Regards, jackson
8
8
Review of Spring Day  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)


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Hello peanutbutter,

Hey, another year at Writing.Com, congratulations. I was stopping by to check out your portfolio and I found, Spring Day. It's short and sweet; I'll edit it for you . . . Keep on writing, I think you have a few good stories waiting to be told. Below are the things I saw which need to be edited . . .

Beginning with your first sentence and working down the page . . . I'll list your sentence by number, then below each listing, I'll edit your sentence/sentences.

#1 I was sitting on my couch looking out the window watching the birds fly and play.Then . . .

In the above sentence, you left no space between the period ending the first sentence, and the first word of the next sentence.

#2 They just fly around and play with there friends and family.

They just fly around and play with their friends and family.

In the prior sentence there should be their.

#3 Then I thought to my self they have a wonderful life .

Then I thought to my self comma they have a wonderful life . The period ending this sentence needs to be right after (life) with no spaces in between (life) and the period.

#4 Then (i) wonder if one of (them) birds could be a family member or a friend that has (come) back to earth as a bird.

In sentence number four, (i) should be I and (them) should be those. And (come) should be came.

#5 Then I thought that would be great if they did come back to earth as a bird because then they can look in the window and see how everyone is that is living in the house they left behind long ago.

Then I thought that would be great if they did come back to earth as a bird period Then they could look in the window and see how everyone is who is living in the house they left behind long ago.

#6 II believe that when we pass away God put us back on earth as a animal or a bird.

I believe when we pass away comma God puts us back on earth as a animal or a bird.

. . . hope this helps.

Regards, jackson
9
9
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)


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Hello Shannon,
. . . picked your name from a list, congratulations on being with Writing.Com another year.

I absolutely loved your story. It was like watching a movie. You gave just enough between the scenes, and when shifting to the next paragraph, you did it seamlessly. I liked the way you filled in the background details by having the character reminisce . . . the story is packed with action drawn out of the character's thoughts. Excellent work . . .

Look out! There's an adverb in the sentence above. . . . I use them if I feel like it.

Beginning with paragraph one and proceeding to the end of the story, I'll type your paragraph or sentence, then follow whatever I typed, with suggested edits.

#1 paragraph five

I haven't seen another breather for two weeks, and even then they were few and far between.

I haven't seen another breather for two weeks, and even then comma they were few and far between.

#2 paragraph six

At the very least I need ammo, food, water, a fresh set of clothes would be nice, some candles, a new pair of . . .

At the very least comma I need ammo, food, water, a fresh set of clothes would be nice, some candles, a new pair of . . .

#3 paragraph seven

#1 I've slept in trees, shit in ditches, and like Rambo I've eaten things that would make a billy goat puke, but I'm still here.

I've slept in trees, shit in ditches, and like Rambo comma I've eaten things that would make a billy goat puke, but I'm still here.

#2 If you’re reading this I've already moved on to the next
town.

If you’re reading this comma I've already moved on to the next town.

#4 paragraph ten

I headed for the hills. I figured where there were fewer people there’d be fewer LDs, and where there were fewer LDs I’d be less likely to have my face eaten off in my sleep.

I headed for the hills. I figured where there were fewer people comma there’d be fewer LDs, and where there were fewer LDs comma I’d be less likely to have my face eaten off in my sleep.

#5 paragraph twelve

I saw a teenage girl rip the crucifix necklace off a LD in Pennsylvania . . .

I saw a teenage girl rip the crucifix necklace off an LD in Pennsylvania . . .

The article (An) is always used before words pronounced or spelled with a vowel sound. The article (A) is used before words spelled or pronounced with a consonant sound.

#6 paragraph thirteen

Surely I can’t be the only one left, can I?

Surely comma I can’t be the only one left, can I?

Surely, is an introductory word for the whole sentence which follows it, as such, a comma needs to be placed after it.

#7 paragraph fifteen

My name is Devin Daniels. I was born in Belvidere New Jersey on June 29, 1991.

My name is Devin Daniels. I was born in Belvidere comma New Jersey on June 29, 1991. I

#8 Paragraph sixteen

If I make it out of here alive my next stop will be Brush, Colorado.

If I make it out of here alive comma my next stop will be Brush, Colorado.

Comments


Like I said in the beginning; I loved your story.

Regards, jackson
10
10
Review of The Kinfolks  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

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Hello Kodah.
I'll be reviewing your story, The Kinfolks, today. Congrats on being with WdC another year.

First, I'll look over the story for technical issues, then I'll be giving you my thoughts about it. Below, you will find a few edit suggestions, these are made solely to improve your writing experience.

Suggested edits

Beginning with the first paragraph, I'll list below any issues which present themselves to me. I'll write your passage first, then a suggested edit.

#1 . . . second paragraph.

Holding his breath he listened to the sounds of the night.

Holding his breath comma he listened to the sounds of the night.

#2 . . . third paragraph.

Drawing nearer was the sound of a woman's shrill voice piercing the air. "Ye better hope you find em', or y’all will be the ones picking up all the chores and from now on."

Drawing nearer was the sound of a woman's shrill voice piercing the air. "Ye better hope ye find em', or y’all will be the ones picking up all the chores period And from now on."

When a woman uses a dialect to speak her first word (Ye) she is most likly going to continue in the same dialect to speak her fourth word, (ye.) . . . to be consistent.

The last sentence needs to become two sentences, to put emphasis on, "And from now on."

#3 . . . fifth paragraph.

Charlie winced. "Well, I didn’t figure he’d be stupid enough to head into the forbidden forest.” Charlie pleaded. “We almost caught the little runt, but then Junior got spooked and wanted to turn back." He rolled his eyes. "Oh, there ain’t nothin’ out here,” Earl scoffed. “Those are just old tales made up to scare the hobos and littluns’.”

In the instance above, you need to begin a new paragraph when Earl begins to speak.

Charlie winced. "Well, I didn’t figure he’d be stupid enough to head into the forbidden forest.” Charlie pleaded. “We almost caught the little runt, but then Junior got spooked and wanted to turn back." He rolled his eyes.

“Oh, there ain’t nothin’ out here,” Earl scoffed. “Those are just old tales made up to scare the hobos and littluns'."

#4 . . . seventh paragraph.

Since she was 16 Mary had been on the run, trying to raise Billy on her own.

Since she was 16 comma Mary had been on the run, trying to raise Billy on her own.

Since she was sixteen, is an introductory phrase to the rest of the sentence, and needs a comma after it.

#5 . . . eighth paragraph.

Sitting in the forest his gut wrenched thinking about the farm. The prior sentence makes it sound as if his gut is sitting in the forest and thinking about the farm. From sunup to sundown his tiny body toiled away, while the rest of them never lifting a finger. Often he would find himself passed out in the pasture from exhaustion . . .

While he was sitting in the forest comma his gut wrenched as he thought about the farm. From sunup to sundown his tiny body toiled away, while the rest of them never lifted a finger. Often comma he would find himself passed out in the pasture from exhaustion . . .

#6 . . . paragraph nine.

Suddenly he heard the sound of steps.

Suddenly comma he heard the sound of steps.

Suddenly is an adverb which introduces the main part of the setence. A comma should be used after it.

#7 . . . paragraph ten.

All of a sudden he saw Marla walking towards him with Earl and the Cherry Boys.

All of a sudden comma he saw Marla walking towards him with Earl and the Cherry Boys.

#8 . . . twelth paragraph.

And then a loud thrashing only a few feet away. Billy jerked startled by the noise. The sound of Charlie screaming quickly cut off by a gasp. He could hear Junior yelling, what is that!?” And then Marla beginning to make panicked wailing noises. Billy opened his eyes and tried to see what was happening. Earl pleading, the sound of fighting, a gunshot.

And then he heard a loud thrashing only a few feet away. Billy jerked comma startled by the noise. He heard the sound of Charlie screaming comma quickly cut off by a gasp. He could hear Junior yelling, "What is that!?" Marla began to make panicked wailing noises. Billy opened his eyes and tried to see what was happening. Earl was pleading, as Billy heard the sound of fighting and a gunshot.

Further comments

I enjoyed reading this story . . . within it was a lot of imagination, and a surprise ending.

Regards, jackson
11
11
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

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•

Hello elizabeth,

Reviewing signature for the B.E.A.R. Fund.


Today, I'll be reviewing, a death long since forgotten.


The farmhouse . . .

A synopsis of your story in my own words . . .

As I read your story, in my mind I see a farmhouse, it beckons to me, as if it has a secret it wants to get rid of. I open the door and step inside . . . to greet me, there is no one. Dust scuttles from beneath my shoes with each step I take, otherwise, it is clean, but it's complexion is marred by the passing of time. Life has long since fled.

The nursery is an exception. There, life has painted a still portrait of itself. The crib is the centerpiece of this painting. Standing there with an expression of pain on its face, pain at the terrible loss it has suffered, it can barely breathe. I turn and walk away, barely able to breathe myself, and wiping the tears from my eyes. I know, that once, a baby laughed and cried in this lonely crib . . . © j. holloway

Hey, I just realized I wrote a story above . . . thanks for the inspiration. You made me see the things in my spnopsis of your story, by telling your story in such a good manner that my mind dove into the story. Great job . . .

All that aside, your story is a lovely piece of writing. I did notice a few things, I'll list them directly below.

In the sentence below, you need a comma placement.

The air is thick, carrying the memory of what once was comma but is now forever lost.

I'll restructure your next sentence below.

Your sentence

The only movement in the otherwise still room comes from the flimsy, worn curtains that flutter in the draft from the broken window pane.

The only movement comma in the otherwise still room comma comes from the flimsy, worn curtains that flutter in the draft from the broken windowpane.

Windowpane is mispelled . . .

. . . great story.

Regards, jackson
12
12
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hello amy-Finally writing a novel,


This is a jackson review, enjoy. I'll begin with a summary of the things I think need editing in The Bluebird Hotel.

1 First paragraph . . .

Built in the late 1800’s the facade stood foreboding and desolate.

You need a comma after 1800's.

Built in the late 1800’s comma the facade stood foreboding and desolate.

2 First paragraph . . .

Any person walking onto the property immediately felt like assaulted with the feeling of being watched.

Any person walking onto the property immediately felt delete (like) assaulted with the feeling of being watched.

3 First paragraph . . .

For most prospective guests the oak doors seemed to gleam with newness and salutation, but when you went to push through, a forse seemed to be warning them to try their luck elsewhere.

For most prospective guests comma the oak doors seemed to gleam with newness and salutation, but when you went to push through, a force seemed to be warning you to try your luck elsewhere.

You used the pronoun (you) to describe people pushing through the door, so (them) and (they) should be you and your.

3 Third paragraph . . .

The lady at the counter was always polite and wore a large smile, but in her eyes a question shined through, like she was questioning why you had possibly come in.

The lady at the counter was always polite and wore a large smile, but in her eyes a question shined through, like she was questioning why you had possibly
came in.

In the above sentence, you used the present tense verb (come), but by using (had) before the verb, the verb should be in the past tense. (came)

In the final paragraph, I suggest deleting the word even in this sentence, The food and beverages were even strange. Another possibility is to restructure the sentence to, Even the food and beverages were strange.

In another sentence in the final paragraph pasted below, you misspelled weight.

The beds seemed soft. If you sat, though, the mattresses seemed reluctant to take the burden of your wait.

The beds seemed soft. If you sat, though, the mattresses seemed reluctant to take the burden of your weight.

Comments

You did a fine piece of work, making the readers feel as if they were visiting the hotel and seeing all the things the hotel consisted of. Your descriptive passages made the hotel become alive in the mind of the reader.

Regards, jackson
13
13
Review of Heven's Eyes  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)





Reviewing signature for the B.E.A.R. Fund.

Hi NaciraMinan,

Your story is a good story, keep up the good writing. I did notice a few things which, if they were edited, would make the story much better. This review is made in the spirit of helpfulness, from one writer to another. Today, I'll be concentrating on the grammar and punctuation of Heven's Eyes. But not without saying it's a good story. Good job . . .

Suggested edits

Your first sentence is directly below. I'll number any further sentences which need editing.

1 The city eveloped to her like the arms of an octopus with its suckers exposed.

The city enveloped delete (to) her like the arms of an octopus with its suckers exposed.

The city enveloped her like the arms of an octopus with its suckers exposed.

2 Heven kept close watch of those who would go unseen.

Delete the word (of), substitute the word (for).

Heven kept close watch for those who would go unseen.

3 It was surely not the sign which she did find as she turned away from the water.

It was surely not the sign which she delete (did find) as she turned away from the water.

Substitute found for (did find.)

It was surely not the sign which she found as she turned away from the water.

4 Electricity, the veins of the city, coursed under her shoes, their beat: unstopping.

Detete their beat: unstopping substitute its pulse unstopping.

Electricity, the veins of the city, coursed under her shoes, its pulse unstopping.

5 Slowly she walked her Honda up to the big bay door, trying to peer in through centuries of dirt and sweat that covered each window.

Slowly comma she walked her Honda up to the big bay door, trying to peer in through centuries of dirt and sweat that covered each window.

(Slowly) is an introductory word to the rest of the sentence, it needs a comma after it.

6 She couldn’t see any lights from the outside; no telltale red flashings to alert her to further security precautions inside.

Replace the semicolon with a comma. With the use of a semicolon, there must be two complete sentences, or independent clauses, which the semicolon connects. In your sentence, the part of the sentence after the semicolon is a dependent clause, it depends on the part of the sentence before the semicolon to make sense.

7 Nothing else was in the room. No a too-old-for-use delivery van. No rat-scarred equipment. Not even a battered desk took precedence from the immensity of those four walls and vaulted ceiling.

Of these four sentences, two of them have no subject.

No a too-old-for-use delivery van. No rat-scarred equipment.

These two sentences directly above are dependent phrases, they depend on a noun and a verb which should come before them to make sense.

Make the entire sequence one sentence . . .

Nothing else was in the room comma no delete (a) too-old-for-use delivery van comma no rat-scarred equipment comma not even a battered desk took precedence from the immensity of those four walls and vaulted ceiling.

8 In front of her was a heavy door. It looked as though the hinges had been cemeted shut . . .

You mispelled cemented.

Comments

I like your imagery throughout the story. Heven, at last, finds her old love. Your descriptions of the things Heven sees and feels are flawless. Well done . . .

Regards, jackson
14
14
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)


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Hi Calista,
This is a WdC account anniversary review. I'll be taking a look at The vampire jellyfish today.

It's a story about a jellyfish who's a vampire. It attacks
creatures, including humans, and sucks out their souls . . . . great creativity! It lurks in oceans, waiting for some unsuspecting victim to show up. Beware!

A few things I noticed while reading your story are listed below,

The first sentence of the story is: dared not venture, a strange and terrifying creature drifted through the currents.

Edit suggestions

These few words need a subject, a noun or a pronoun which performs the action of the sentence, I suggest the following: Into this part of the ocean, they dared not venture, a strange and terrifying creature drifted through the currents.

All three words of your title for this item should begin with a capital letter. The writer can title their works however they wish, but custom and the rules of punctuation, indicate that all important words in a title, except for prepositions and articles, should begin with a capital letter.

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I noticed another sentence which needs to be edited; the sentence is directly below.

Its venom was not only a toxin but a curse, capable of draining the life force from a creature and leaving it cold and lifeless, its soul sucked into the jellyfish’s haunting depths.

The comma after curse should be deleted.

Its venom was not only a toxin but a curse delete comma capable of draining the life force from a creature and leaving it cold and lifeless, its soul sucked into the jellyfish’s haunting depths.

Comments

It's a good story, filled with sharp imagery and detail. Good work . . .

Regards, jackson
15
15
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)


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Hello G.F. Frontera,
This is an anniversary review of Orange Juice for One. Congrats on your WdC account anniversary.

I liked your story, it's about a recently divorced man in his new living accommodations. He's sitting, drinking Jameson and smoking cigarettes as he contemplates his new life without a wife. Of all the things he must buy, when as of the moment he has nothing, he's making a list in his mind. He's worried about his children, of how they will see him now. He decides to start over, to start a new life, to quit nursing on Jameson, and if he can, get rid of the cigarettes.

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Edit suggestions


In the following sentences, I will point out edits, using bold letters, that need to be made, use them at your discretion . . .

Sentence 1 He thought about how it use to be, during the hungry years, when all they had was what they needed.

Use is present tense. You are doing it now. Use, in your sentence should be used, because it has already happened in the past.

Sentence 2 He looked what was now his new home. This sentence needs to be, He looked at what was now his new home.

Sentence 3 Making the nut each month comma plus child support comma would leave little for the other things he use change (use) to (used) to do.

Sentence 4 He hoped the kids would be too disappointed and resentful and think he was a loser.

He hoped the kids would not be too disappointed and resentful and think he was a loser.

Sentence 5 The Dollar Store and the Goodwill will be getting most of his business for a while

The Dollar Store and the Goodwill would be getting most of his business for a while period

Sentence 6 The Jameson was starting to take effect and he began to fell sleepy.

The Jameson was starting to take effect and he began to feel sleepy.

Sentence 7 This whole ordeal had made sleeping difficult if not impossible.

This whole ordeal had made sleeping difficult comma if not impossible.

Sentence 8 He forgot about the cigarette he was holding and only remember when it burned his fingers, waking him with a start. Snuffing it out he felt wide-awake again. Another sleepless night.

He forgot about the cigarette he was holding and only remembered when it burned his fingers, waking him with a start. Snuffing it out comma he felt wide-awake again. It was another sleepless night.

Sentence 9 He wanted to pour himself another drink hoping it would knock him out, but the bottle was empty.

He wanted to pour himself another drink comma hoping it would knock him out, but the bottle was empty.

Sentence 10 Looking out he could see tomorrow was already here as the faint glow of a rising sun was . . .

Looking out comma he could see tomorrow was already here as the faint glow of a rising sun was . . .

Comments

It's a good story, a little editing would fix any errors. Write on . . .

Regards, jackson
16
16
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


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Hi a Sunflower in Texas,

. . . just a few woods to honor your WdC account anniversary. Your story has no errors that I can see. It's written well, and tells the tale of a woman acclimating herself to her new house. She goes in, examines everything, all the rooms, the floors . . . She loves the carpet, it's comfortable to lie on, soft against her skin.

She even manages to sort of outsmart the newfangled thermostat. There at the end, she orders the entertainment center to play a Beatles' song.

Well done . . .
Regards, jackson
17
17
Review of November  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Hi maggie,

. . . an anniversary review in honor of your WdC account anniversary. November, honors your Mom; that's so great! I am sure she knows how you love her.

In the item, you reveal your hurt, your loneliness and your heart's yearning to have your mom again. Don't despair, she is only sleeping, cradled in the memory of our creator. She will live again . . .

November is beautiful. My favorite lines are:

When my soul is softly weeping,
You will come, and I'll be sleeping,
And you'll wrap your arms around me with delight.

. . . lovely.
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Regards, jackson
18
18
Review of Calling Mom  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Hi Fyn,
. . . another Writing.Com account anniversary review . . .

Comments

I loved this; usually, our most precious one is our mom. Countless times, our hearts cry out for her. In loneliness, we call her name, but she is sleeping in God's memory, waiting to hear our voice again, to touch us with her love. We may know this in our hearts; but still, our love reaches for her comforting presence. We need her! But we must wait until the appointed time when God will once more open her eyes and restore her voice.

Thoughts

Calling Mom is a beautiful work, written with love and longing.

In our hearts, we reach for the telephone . . . we want to hear her voice, we want to touch her with the love in our voice through Bell's contraption. We want to feel her love again. All this, I already know, but in the words of Calling Mom I heard your voice calling for your mom in a way only you can call. Beautiful work . . .

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Regards, jackson
19
19
Review of Adjustment  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)


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Good morning,

Congratulations on your WdC account anniversary.

Comments

Yes, it was certainly a good morning when I read, Adjustment. You described the space of time between the clouds obscuring the comfort of the sun, and the revealing glory of sunlight as it bursts through, flawlessly. And if you have seen this glory once, the clouds can not obscure it, because you know it it there.

More . . . you likened it to the seeing of humans. You can see the beauty on the outside of humans, but what is it the clouds have obscured?

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Regards, jackson
20
20
Review of The Antagonist  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)


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Hi amy-Finally writing a novel,

. . . an anniversary review of, The Antagonist. Happy account anniversary, may you have many more.

Your first sentence is as follows, 'I was going to make the Mayor of my town, Grand Rock my antagonist, but something else works better.'

You need a comma before and after Grand Rock.

'I was going to make the Mayor of my town, Grand Rock comma my antagonist, but something else works better.

In your story, Lillian seems to find herself in somewhat of a predicament. Being pulled by the merits of both the Town Council and the Parish Council, Lillian is swaying on the rope of indecision. Which one will she support, the Town Council, or the Parish Council?

Both parties to the disagreement have both logic and merit in wanting to own a particular plot of land.

Father Gromely wants the land so he can better the lives of the local children. Mayor Flemming wants to own the plot to use it as a venue for various town functions so the town will have more earning power.

In the next to last paragraph of the story, (earning) needs to be changed to (earnings).

'Having the land for an event venue will add to the town's earnings. she believes.'

So, which party to the dispute will Lillian choose to support ? It's a question Lillian will decide the answer to in the pages of the novel.

. . .good work.

Regards, jackson
21
21
Review of Sky Catcher  Open in new Window.
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hello HASEYES,
. . . an aniversary review. Another year being a member of Writing. Com. Congratulations.

I am pasting your item below, so the readers can see it and know what I am talking about in my review.

Sky Catcher

I hear a little red robin,
She sings a happy tune.

I see a strong proud hoot owl,
She flies high by the glow of the moon.

I see a nesting snow white dove,
She's priming her soft feathery breast.

I see the old grey alley cat,
And she's put them all to rest.


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My summary

The pretty dove once cleaning her breast, the red robin once singing, the owl once flying in the shadow of the moon, all these I attest, have been laid to their earthly rest, by the old gray alleycat they were summarily blessed. She naps, while they digest.

Comments

I like a writer who's innovative . . . your style is not run-of-the-mill. Great work . . . short and sweet. Your rhymes are not forced, as smooth as peanut butter they slide across the page. No edit suggestions necessary . . .


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Regards, jackson
22
22
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Rated: E | (4.5)

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Hi Justyn,
This is an anniversary review, congratulations on your account anniversary. Congratulations also, on having the talent to write a ninety-nine word story.

For a ninety-nine word story, your item is pretty good. I can imagine the looks on the faces of the pharaoh's daughter and her companion . . . After sitting for a long time as a model for a sculpture and having her companion constantly fanning her, the both of them were probably too tired to elude the kiss of the cobra. Pharaoh was going to be angry . . .

. . . great short piece.

I did notice a comma out of place (two spaces away from the word), instead of directly following it. It's in the sentence directly below this . . .

In this instance , keeping the Princess cool and relaxed so the royal sculptor could work uninterrupted was crucial.

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Regards, jackson
23
23
Review of Enemy Territory  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


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Hello Carly-March into Spring,
I enjoy good stories, so here's another anniversary review.

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Initial comments

•

Finding themselves behind enemy lines is not where the average person would wish to be. But here he was . . . thirteen days of hell, not knowing if he would make it back to his lines, and not even knowing if he would be living when the sun peered above the horizon tommorrow. Staying calm is the number one thing, don't think about your fear, but think . . . if you think enough, you may come up with a way to go back to your own outfit.

•

The reviewers synopsis

Enemy Territory is a story of a man who finds himself in just that situation . . . behind enemy lines. Fear gnawed at him, every step taken wedged the growing lump of fear tighter into his throat. Every move made worried him of being taken by the enemy. It was not a matter of courage, of that he possessed a hefty measure. It was the feeling of hopelessness settling over him. The unknown lay before him, and he must traverse it sucessfully to stay alive. He knew this, but still the thoughts would not relent. What if he was captured? What if he was killed? What if . . . Worries filled his mind, but he couldn't just sit on his rear end. He must, somehow, make it back to his own lines. Moving mosty by night and catnapping here and there during the days was wearing him out, but he had no choice. His food was running out, the fear had long since gone, and dread had taken its place. If only . . .

•

Conclusion of synopsis

He hears voices, the enemy? Fear again jerks at him, but he stays calm, ready for what comes next. Closer . . . and he sees it is men from his own unit. Despair melts away . . .

•

Suggested edits

Throughout the story, there are quite a few instances where there are double spaces between the end of one sentence and the beginning of new sentences.

In the fourth paragraph cat napped should be catnapped.

In the same paragraph, . . . roamed me cerebral cortex needs to be, roamed my cerebral cortex.

In the seventh paragraph a semicolon needs to be removed from the sentence below and replaced by a comma, and I was needs to be the beginning of the sentence.

Screaming out to God in my mind; asking for his protection.

I was screaming out to God in my mind comma asking for his protection.

Final comments

The story was excellent, exciting, and showed the emotions of the main character with skill. Very good writing . . .

Regards, jackson
24
24
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)


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Hello SAC,
It's the anniversary of the month you created your WdC account. Enjoy this anniversary review.

Comments

Dad's are special to their offspring. I see your's was special. I am glad to see you wrote this item to honor your father.

He was an automobile mechanic with his own garage. I like how you used the tools of a mechanic's trade, and the jobs a car shop owner performs, with a steady diet of grease and oil, to write this. It flows well, with a melody from your heart.

I really liked this, it reminds me of the special times of the late 1950's and the 1960's. Things were good back then . . . I enjoyed imagining your Dad checking his sign every day and preparing for customers, working late to get a job done, and doing honest work to feed his family and reputation. From reading this, I can see he was a down-home friendly type of person. You were lucky . . .

Suggested edits

Only one thing, I see you use a series of periods to trail off sentences, to follow the rules of punctuation, the ellipis should consist of three periods. Sometimes, you used six or four.

. . .great work.

Regards, jackson
25
25
Review by jackson Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Hi Rojodi,
This is a Writing.Com account anniversary review. Congrats . . .

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Story summary

Longfellow Darke is to be married shortly, but at the present time he unfolds the piece of paper his bride's sister had handed to him.

He had never seen a Dear John letter, but he was looking at one now. The hurt stabbed him, clutched at his heart repeatedly and throbbed through his temples.

But in the end, despite his hurt, he would survive. He wanted to wad up the note and toss it, but he stared àt the words . . . I do love you, but I am not in love with you. He stood up, and called out to his friends, "Let's go get some food, I'm starving."

That was when he saw her . . . the other woman, she was still beautiful.

As he walked to the limo on the way to get drunk, he looked back, she was gone. How had she known to come?

Comments

It's a fine story, told in an original manner. It shows the pain a man might feel when, at his wedding, he is handed a Dear John letter. and it shows the strength a man must have to expel this hurt from his heart.
Good writing . . .

Suggested edits

In the next to last paragraph, I noticed a sentence. The sentence, by using the word (was), establishes the past tense of the sentence.

Longfellow looked back to find the familiar face, but she was gone, the church’s door slowly closing told him that she left. He had no time to dwell on her, his groomsmen came and took him to the waiting limo.

To keep the tense consistent, you need to add (had) in the final clause of the first sentence.

. . . the church's door slowly closing told him she had left.

In the fourth paragraph the sentence below needs a comma.

Pre-wedding superstitions he was told.

Pre-wedding superstitions comma he was told.

In the third paragraph, I noticed a sentence is not a complete sentence. Also, the comma after (brownstone) should not be there, and the word (into) should be deleted. I have written the sentence directly after this sentence.

No whispers from the ghosts that inhabited the brownstone, where Melissa had moved into a year before since it was closer to her job at Oldham and Newbury Attorneys, LLC.

There were no whispers from the ghosts that inhabited the brownstone delete comma where Melissa had moved delete into the year before since it was closer . . .

Sentence after addition and deletions


There were no whispers from the ghosts that inhabited the brownstone where Melissa had moved the year before since it was closer . . .

Final thoughts

I enjoyed reading your story

Regards, jackson
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