jackson's (notjackson) Reviews

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443 Public Reviews Given

443 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I am not an expert reviewer, but I have some small amount of talent in the field of writing. I will not edit your work, but typos, grammar mistakes, etc. will be pointed out if I see them. I will give you my impression of your work, encourage you, and do my best to review the work.

I'm good at...

I do my best, whether I am good at it or not.

Favorite Genres

Action/adventure

Least Favorite Genres

Science fiction.

Favorite Item Types

Short stories and

Least Favorite Item Types

No least favorites.

I will not review...

Novels.

1

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#4824602

Review of Rust and Riverbone

Review by jackson

In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Rust and Riverbone, an appropriate title, well chosen.

In the story, Evander, a man whose father tried to drown him when he was nine years old, can't forget. Who could? Seems his father received his comeupance though, drowned in his own bathtub.

Even though his past revisits him from time to time, Evander is happy; he's got a job, a life worth living and that now-fading memory. One night, Evander gives a ride to a ghost girl. She leads him to Lily, a little girl whose father was akin to his own father. Except Lily's bones are all that is left of her.

Spare words, good descriptions and dialog inhabit this story; to know the ending, read it . . . I noticed no errors in punctuation, grammar or spelling. Thanks for sharing your story with us readers.

Regards, jackson

2

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#4824274

Review of 2021 Oct 4 Plot Beginning

Review by jackson

In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Rojodi,
I understand this item is the plot of a future story, the elements you have chosen to include in the story sound good to me. The Plot, has some good possibilities; from the detail you have written up to this point, the directions in which you could resume this story are many. In The Plot, you've developed a character, Sebastion Petitjean, a pro soccer player whose father, who lives in New York, is seriously ill. Sebastion flys to New York, and has a sense of someone following him. Once in New York, he learns his father is improving in health, but still, he has this feeling of being watched. A good mystery is developing here . . .

As for the structural content of The Plot, there are no errors in punctuarion, grammar or tense, and the pov is consistent. The idea for the story is well-conceived.

I did notice one misspelled word, and I quote, 'Immediately, he (hoped) onto a plane to New York City . . .' (hoped) should be (hopped.)

Thanks for sharing your work; it's an excellent beginning. Write on . . .

Regards, jackson

3

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#4823966

Review of Even Now

Review by jackson

In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Whitney,
Below, is what I saw in my mind as I read your item. I loved it.

She waits . . . for the one she loves. Her heart is still tender for him. She longs, deep inside, for his presence. Where is he? Does his heart still beat for her? Are his thoughts of her? The ache in her heart throbs its pain throughout her body. Still, she waits. Time crawls . . . her prayers left unanswered. Will her eyes look upon his face tomorrow? Will his knock sound upon the door? From uncertainty, her mind wanders to doubt and worry. Does he love me? Is he alright? Does he need my help? Is he in trouble? Why is he not in my arms? I want to comfort his worries, soothe his anxiety and just hold him. Please, Lord . . . and the days pass with misery. Still, she waits.

. . . good expression of emotions, good details of her state of mind, and written well.

Regards, jackson

4

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#4823707

Review of Stormy Weather

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~

dragonwoman,
I enjoyed reading your story . . . well-crafted. It's about Elaina, a mage, among other things.

Elaina can sense things. She's onboard a ship when she makes an innocent comment within the hearing of the captain. 'Theres a storm coming.' Over these few words, the ire of the captain is raised. He jumps all over her, spits out insults and is otherwise rude. Then the storm, which he didn't believe was coming, came. Destruction ensues. Then the Rain Ravens arrive. Hell is let loose, rip this, tear that, destroy this. After the storm, the captain blames Elaina, kicks her off the ship for calling the storm upon them. Elaina is desperate, but angry. Where will I go now, she thinks.

. . .great story, I noticed one little typo in the first sentence of the story. You need a space between: "There's a storm coming," and, commented Elaina.

Regards, jackson

5

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#4823596

Review of How to meet new people.

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Daizy May,
Good morning, I am still chuckling . . . Those nice young genthemen who pulled you over . . . you made a fun story from being pulled over for speeding. I liked how you used your wording to make it seem as if those fellows were lonesome and needed someone to talk to. A good piece of writing with superb imagery stared me in the face as I read your item. In my opinion, the story is great, keep up the good writing. My favotite line was 'Then we chatted about how fast I was driving.' A close second favorite was, 'They must have thought I looked interesting to talk to because they did a U turn to follow me a ways . . .' You have a good sense of humor, and you exhibited it well in this story. I noticed no technical issues in your story, good job.

Regards, jackson

6

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#4823325

Review of The Golden Ring

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Emyrn,

Hello, I noticed a few places you might consider editing in your item, at your discretion . . . [It's hard to edit, and takes time, I know, because that's my least favorite part of writing.]

Write on . . . I enjoyed reading your story, the other technical aspects were great.

Edit suggestions

1 “I've heard rumors of a ring with magical properties and with a little digging I finally managed to find where it's . . ."

"I've heard rumors of a ring with magical properties and with a little digging comma I finally managed to find where it's . . ."

2 Oh just some traps and maybe a guardian.

Oh comma just some traps and maybe a guardian.

3 "Don't forget you implied magic use . . ."

"Don't forget comma you implied
magic use . . ."

4 Thirty percent and only I know where it is."

Thirty percent comma and only I know where it is."

5 Very slowly the croaking of frogs and the chirping of birds resumed . . .

Very slowly comma the croaking of frogs and the chirping of birds resumed . . .

6 The guards answering in unison boomed with a mighty voice . . .

The guards comma answering in unison comma boomed with a mighty voice. . .

7 "The scroll will take you to the castle and has the incantation on it but it takes a great deal of magic."

"The scroll will take you to the castle and has the incantation on it comma but it takes a great deal of magic."

8 "Don't forget you implied magic use and I'm sure you don't know that many mages."

"Don't forget comma you implied magic use and I'm sure you don't know that many mages."

9 Suspicious again Jargan asked, “And how did . . ."

Suspicious again comma Jargan asked, “And how did . . ."

10 "Do you know what the magic properties are?

"Do you know what the magic properties are? punctuation mark

11 Hurriedly going back to the ring, Jargan opened the glass case . . .

Hurriedly comma going back to the ring, Jargan opened the glass case . . .

12 Yesss, my queen,” responded the leader quivering slightly.

"Yesss, my queen,” responded the leader comma quivering slightly.

13 . . . but Jargan quickly relaxed again when it turned out to be only a moving bones armed with a sword.

. . . but Jargan quickly relaxed again when it turned out to be only delete (a) moving bones armed with a sword.

14 . . . and it seemed as if the castle were falling apart.

. . and it seemed as if the castle was falling apart.

The suggestions above are only on writer's opinion . . .

Regards, jackson

7

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#4823166

Review of Bully

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

onyx,

This is a Writing.Com account

review. The Bully was a satisfying read. The introduction . . . the first few lines of the story, tells us the two characters who will be involved in the action. A little later, the bully is introduced.

The plot is articulately conveyed and effectively introduced shortly after the opening lines. The reader has no trouble following the storyline.

As for the action, there is no dearth of action in the story. The details are just right, full and rich, but not overflowing.

Punctuation
Because punctuation is as important as the other parts of writing, most suggestions I mention to authors deals primarily with punctuation, with some grammar and spelling.

The reason I concentrate on punctuation is: Punctuation is a printed recording of all the inflections and nuances in a person's voice as they speak. Without punctuation, the speaker's voice sounds like a monotone with no variety in sound or thought. The printed version of a speaker or narrator's words is an extension of real life, and is controlled by punctuation.

Listed below are some suggestions for your consideration.

1 . . . so I kept (me) mouth shut and my eyes down when he stared me down and his friends laughed.

. . . so I kept my mouth shut and my eyes down when he stared me down comma and his friends laughed.

When two standalone sentences (or independent clauses) are joined together using a conjunction like and, but, or, the conjunction should be preceded by a comma.

2 'He won't be back. '

'He won't be back.'

3 (' Don't worry,') said Mr. Kim when Eddie left the store.

'Don't worry,' said Mr. Kim when Eddie left the store.

3 When I opened my eyes, which were remarkably still intact (.,) I was surprised to see that Mr. Kim . . .

When I opened my eyes, which were remarkably still intact semicolon I was surprised to see that Mr. Kim . . .

4 Mr Kim and his friends go back in there but I'm not really allowed.

Mr. Kim and his friends go back in there comma but I'm not really allowed.

You need a period after (Mr), and (but) connects two independent clauses. When two standalone sentences (or independent clauses) are joined together using a conjunction like and, but, or, the conjunction should be preceded by a comma.

5 ('Fuck you.) Eddie screamed back, but the fight was out of him now.

'Fuck you.' Eddie screamed back, but the fight was out of him then.

7 Eddie kept screaming out abuses at Mr. Kim calling him stuff like chink and (slant- eye.)

Eddie kept screaming out abuses at Mr. Kim comma calling him stuff like chink and slant-eye.

8 'I know your father,' he yelled pointing into Eddie's face.

'I know your father,' he yelled comma pointing into Eddie's face.

9 Eddie was the ringleader, and he was the one that shoved me, so I kept me mouth shut and my eyes down when he stared me down and his friends laughed.

Eddie was the ringleader, and he was the one who shoved me, so I kept my mouth shut and my eyes down when he stared me down comma and his friends laughed.

(and) connects two independent clauses, a comma needs to be placed before it.

10 I wanted so desperately to slough (of) my shyness . . .

I wanted so desperately to slough off my shyness . . .

11 I suppose (me) resolve collapsed half a step, but I was still pretty upset . . .

I suppose my resolve collapsed half a step, but I was still pretty upset . . .

12 It's one thing when a guy picks on a guy and it's another thing when he picks on a guy's friend.

It's one thing when a guy picks on a guy comma and it's another thing when he picks on a guy's friend.

When two standalone sentences (or independent clauses) are joined together using a conjunction . . . and, but, or, the conjunction should be preceded by a comma.

13 (Eddies) yelling that he's got steel-toed boots on and he's going to crack my skull.

Eddie's yelling that he's got steel-toed boots on comma and he's going to crack my skull.

and joins two independent clauses, a comma needs to come before it.

14 . . . but I admit I didn't have it in me (do) do anything about it at that moment.

. . . but I admit I didn't have it in me to do anything about it at that moment.

17 Before then, the only video games I'd ever seen were quite simplistic involving something like a triangle moving through space . . .

Before then, the only video games I'd ever seen were quite simplistic comma involving something like a triangle moving through space . . .

18 At that moment I was terrified for sure.

At that moment comma I was terrified for sure.

At that moment is an introductory phrase which introduces the primary part of the sentence, I was terrified for sure.

The Bully, is a good example of bullying, told with rich detail and believability . . .

Regards, jackson

8

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#4823015

Review of Fantasy Novel Prologue

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

von Garret,
An

review, as this is the month of the anniversary of your WdC account.

In this story, Leom, an older man, decides to herd his goats from lower elevation grazing lands to higher up pastures. With the help of his dog, Leom is moving the goats along, with some difficulty. He regrets his decision to make the move . . . Tired, he sits down and eats. From the distance, he hears the cry of a scartharok. He knows there is possible death for some living being in the near future, because the scartharok gathers where life comes to an end. Compassion dwells in his heart . . . so Leom decides to investigate. After a search toward where many scartharoks are now circling, Leom comes to a place where he can see the slopes below. He sees a figure there, a figure walking with difficulty. He heads down a slope to get closer, and is able to discern the figure is a mam. Determined to save the man, Leom climbs down the scree-ladden slope, discovers the man is a boy, and somehow gets him up the slope. From there, he takes the boy to his home, and cares for him until he has recovered.

Comments
. . . a great prologue. When the story is completed, it will be a worthy story. Write more . . .

Punctuation/etc.
Below are some edit suggestions for you to consider at your disgression.

1 All summer he had kept his goats in the lower meadows and he . . .

All summer comma he had kept his goats in the lower meadows and he . . .

2 In the morning they had the same conversation.

In the morning comma they had the same conversation.

3 . . . and the herd would be happily graving . . .

. . . and the herd would be happily grazing . . .

4 Up in the high country above the tree line, the grass was tough but there were stunted shrubs on which the goats could graze.

Up in the high country above the tree line, the grass was tough comma but there were stunted shrubs on which the goats could graze.

5 In a panic scanned his goats.

In a panic comma he scanned his goats.

6 The scartharok continued circling but had yet to descend upon the dying creature.

The scartharok continued circling comma but had yet to descend upon the dying creature.

7 . . . while the creature screamed and spasmed with death pains with eyes full of horror.

. . while the creature screamed and spasmed with death pains and with eyes full of horror

8 . . .and following Leom’s whistled instructions the hound sent the goats down the path . . .

. . . and following Leom’s whistled instructions comma the hound sent the goats down the path . . .

9 As they drew closer the scartharok’s cries grew ever more grating.

As they drew closer comma the scartharok’s cries grew ever more grating.

10 Far below a figure could be seen moving slowly and . . .

Far below comma a figure could be seen moving slowly and . . .

11 He called out “Hey… you down there.”

He called out comma “Hey… you down there.”

12 His call echoed through the gorge but the figure didn’t seem to notice.

His call echoed through the gorge comma but the figure didn’t seem to notice.

13 Never the less he managed to reached the bottom without incident.

Nevertheless comma he managed to reach the bottom without incident.

14 He was limping badly, his head was hang low . . .

14 He was limping badly, his head was hanging low . . .

15 The scartharok continued to circle over head . . .

The scartharok continued to circle overhead . . .

16 . . . then tried to scramble away tugging the sword free of Leom’s foot.

. . . then tried to scramble away comma tugging the sword free of Leom’s foot.

17 . . . but it took them close to an hour to climb out again, all but dragging the boy up the slope.

. . . but it took them close to an hour to climb out again, with him all but dragging the boy up the slope.

18 As soon as the boy was lying down he fell into a restless sleep . . .

As soon as the boy was lying down comma he fell into a restless sleep . . .

19 Auld was excited to see him master again . . .

Auld was excited to see his master again . . .

20 As the dried blood was washed away Leom could see the extent of the boy’s wounds.

As the dried blood was washed away comma Leom could see the extent of the boy’s wounds.

21 After Leom cleaned and bandaged the boy’s wounds he let him sleep.

After Leom cleaned and bandaged the boy’s wounds comma he let him sleep.

22 After a few hours the boy awoke with a start which in turn woke Leom.

After a few hours comma the boy awoke with a start comma which comma in turn comma woke Leom.

After a few hours, the boy awoke with a start, which, in turn, woke Leom.

23 It’s okay you are safe.”

It’s okay comma you are safe.”

24 By the after noon, his short term memory was returning but he could remember nothing before waking up in Leom’s cabin.

By the afternoon, his short term memory was returning comma but he could remember nothing before waking up in Leom’s cabin.

Comments

An exciting story, with action, compassion and rich details.

Thanks for sharing.

Regards, jackson

9

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14 days may be credited.

#4822711

Review of Lost in the Woods

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Emyrn,

. . . a Writing.Com account Image #1585921 over display limit. -?- review.

, ,

The beguiling and lonesome whistle of a flute beckons an unsuspectig boy into a forbidding forest . . . The flute cries . . . its melody enchanting. Thus dazed, the boy follows the sound of the cry.

The boy becomes lost, destitute . . . crying. Of a sudden, in the midst of his confusion, his despair, a frog approaches him . . . speaks.

"Need some help?"

Tauntingly, it proceeds to inform the boy that it has no intention of helping him. Rather, its aim is to help itself, as in, "Pass me a tidbit of that boy's liver, Jim."

In the mind of the frog, and the many other frogs who have been attracted to the scene, the boy is, Tonight's dinner.

After informing their guest of the contents of tonight's menu, the frogs press in closer to the boy. Salivating . . .

Before their meal can be served, a lovely voice rises above their chorus of anticipating croaks, stopping them in mid-drool.

"I'll light your way."

Esmeralda, the fox, saves the boy from consumption . . . She guides him home, and he never listens to a strange flute again.

Punctuation suggestions

1 The fox only took a deep breath spewing forth fire burning a trail through the darkness.

The fox only took a deep breath comma spewing forth fire and burning a trail through the darkness.

Other comments

• Plot . . . a nicely done plot, leaving no room for complaints from the reader.

• Action/detail A precise combination, lending neither to overuse.

• Resolution The boy escapes the call of the flute and vows to never listen to strangers again.

I enjoyed this story, in one word, delightful.

Regards, jackson

10

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4822530

Review of Pay back

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Image #2194839 over display limit. -?-

Soul sister,

I am today, reviewing your story, Pay Back. I'll be concentrating on grammar and punctuation, as these two things are important to the health of a story. Before that, I'll give the readers a brief outline of, Pay Back.

The story involves a woman taking a measure of revenge against her rich, ex-husband. Her ex has severely abused her in many ways. He put her in a mental hospital, cut off her funds, accused her of having sexual affairs and lied to her family about her.

She is, at this moment, standing beside his historical home, which she has just set on fire, watching it burn with pleasure. As she stands there, she revisits her memories of all the wrongs he had perpetrated upon her, and makes plans for further acts of revenge. Payback is hell . . . she thinks.

Below, see the things I noticed, and an edit suggestion for each one.

1 . . . along with on lookers.

Onlookers is misspelled.

2 It would be like tangling a carrot in front of him.

It would be like dangling a carrot in front of him.

Typo . . .

3 Too bad he wasn't here to see it happening.

Too bad comma he wasn't here to see it happening.

4 Her modeling career was over thanks to Pete.

Her modeling career was over comma thanks to Pete.

5 They believed she had stole from Pete and had affairs... She was on drugs he had told them. She was a nut case he led them all to believe.

They believed she had stole from Pete and had affairs... She was on drugs comma he had told them. She was a nut case comma he had led them all to believe.

6 He had had to divorce her because she was cheating he had lied to their loved ones. She was selling dope he had made her own family believe. She was crazy he had told everyone.

He had had to divorce her because she was cheating period He had lied to their loved ones. She was selling dope comma he had made her own family believe. She was crazy comma he had told everyone.

7 He had grabbed her hair when she woke up and dared her to go again him.

He had grabbed her hair when she woke up and dared her to go against him.

8 She had had do so to protect them.

She had had to do so to protect them.

9 Oh he would begin to wonder if it was her doing. He may even try to find her or even hurt her family.

Oh comma he would begin to wonder if it was her doing.

10 Oh how she had wanted to tell them to truth.

Oh comma how she had wanted to tell them the truth.

11 But when she awoke in the hospital, that (it is the) day he had made the threat.

But when she awoke in the hospital, that was the day he had made the threat.

12 She had to do some of those things he accused (her her) like stealing. She had stole his money.

She had to do some of those things he had accused her of comma like stealing. She had stolen his money.

13 She felt an indemnity that (she she) knew she deserved.

She felt an indemnity that she knew she deserved.

14 Oh that would be enough to give him a stroke.

Oh comma that would be enough to give him a stroke.

15 But she knew in her planning of tonight she had to do it when he was away on business.

But she knew in her planning of tonight comma she had to do it when he was away on business.

16 Oh that smug look of his!

Oh comma that smug look of his!

17 Her plan (that that) had been in the making was finally coming to fruition.

Her plan that had been in the making was finally coming to fruition.

18 She knew she had to have evidence on him or no one would believe her She had found it.

She knew she had to have evidence on him comma or no one would believe her period She had found it.

19 Then, there was the clients who would be dropping their accounts with him for no reason.

Then there were the clients who would be dropping their accounts with him comma for no reason.

(Clients) is plural, use (were) instead of (was).

Comments

The story follows a good plot, the pov is consistent and her revenge has began to bear fruit.

Regards, jackson

11

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4822380

Review of Lady Rose

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Image #2194839 over display limit. -?-

Emyrn,
Congratulations on the month of your WdC account anniversary. I liked your story about Lady Rose; it's good to read about a female pirate. She really had it all figured out, how to decoy other ships until it was too late for them to fight back. The ruse of having a few of the pirate crew lounge around on deck, wearing women's clothes, was a good stroke of the pen, as was the rest of the story. The story was exciting and held my attention throughout. The pirate flag on a black background with a skull clutching a crimson rose between it's teeth . . . great imagery.

I have one edit suggestion, no biggy.

Edit suggestion

1 "It's Sloop class sporting the Union Jack.”

"It's Sloop class comma sporting the Union Jack.”

Above you have two things happening. First, he tells them it's a sloop, then he tells them what kind of flag they are flying. A comma needs to separate the two.

"It's sloop class comma flying the Union Jack."

Comments

. . . a good story, I enjoyed it. Write, write . . .

Regards, jackson

12

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4822145

Review of The Greatest Treasure

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Image #2194839 over display limit. -?-

bluehats#5,

On the month of your WdC account anniversary . . . a review. Nice work with the story. You probably should stick to one name for the girl, Coraline/Cora.

You used some good sentences throughout the story. I saw a couple of things, or so, that I think you need to edit. They're listed below.

1 Coraline could hear the (voices) below, loud, with no care for how their (voices) betrayed them.

The structure of the sentence is unclear. Betrayed them from what? The sentence makes it sound as if the voices have voices . . .

Coraline could hear the loud people below, they had no care for how their voices might betray their presence.

2 A good thief didn’t waste time, (“in an out”) was her motto.

And is misspelled; do away with the quotation marks, use commas instead.

A good thief didn’t waste time, in and out comma was her motto.

3 Cora shook her head, “I’m okay Mommy.”

Cora shook her head, “I’m okay comma Mommy.”

Nice work, write on . . .

Regards, jackson

13

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4822106

Review of Serenity

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Dawn Cavalier,

A review from . . . Image #1585921 over display limit. -?-

A summary for the reader . . . it's the story of an artist visiting a coffee shop. While there, their scetchpad handy, they try to find inspiration. Details seen through the eyes of the artist are vividly described. Starts and stops of scetches occur as the artist hesitates . . . stopping each start. At last, settling in on just the right subject, they begin . . .

I noticed a few things which need editing, at your discretion . . . these are only suggestions.

Edit suggestions

Friends chatting at the provided round tables in laid back leather chairs.

Friends were chatting at the provided round tables in laid back leather chairs.

Children desperately trying to entertain themselves with the sudden energy from their sugary drinks.

Children were desperately trying to entertain themselves with the sudden energy from their sugary drinks.

The radio occasionally peaking in with a subdued crescendo before retreating back into its relaxed jazzy lull.

The radio was occasionally peaking in with a subdued crescendo before retreating back into its relaxed jazzy lull.

In this environment of sound and energy, trying to absorb all that I can with my eyes and ears before returning to the blank sketch pad in front of me.

In this environment of sound and energy, I sit trying to absorb all that I can with my eyes and ears before returning to the blank sketch pad in front of me.

Gently and purposefully placing the tip of my pencil down the page and began to draw a short line before raising my pencil off the page again and sighing.

Gently and purposefully placing the tip of my pencil on the page comma I begin to draw a short line before raising my pencil off the page again and sighing.

Then other shapes.

Then I draw other shapes.

Same chatty friends, same unruly children, same occasional music.

I see the same chatty friends, the same unruly children and I hear the same occasional music.

In that moment I knew what I wanted to draw.

In that moment comma I knew what I wanted to draw.

Comments

Add a few words here, a few words there, a comma here, a comma there and you're looking at a 4.5.

Regards, jackson

14

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4821854

Review of Lesson Learned

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Jacky,
I ran across your portfolio and
I'm dropping by to review an item. I enjoyed your story; it's a nice bit of writing. Sibling rivalry can be a hard thing to overcome, huh? But it seems Susan stopped her brother's meddling in her project midstride. It looks as if James learned his lesson well. And it's great that they are still very good friends.

Comments

I noticed the lack of commas in some strategic places in your story. Below, you can see them. Your written words are listed first, with an edit suggestion below.

Happy writing . . . the story is great. It shows the bond between a sister and brother is not easily broken. Thanks for sharing . . .

Punctuation

1 "If I need your help I’ll ask you."

"If I need your help comma I’ll ask you."

2 "If I have a question I’ll ask you.

"If I have a question comma I’ll ask you.

3 That was fifty-nine years ago, and James. He'd been eight, his sister Susan, seven.

That was fifty-nine years ago, and James comma he'd been eight years old and his sister Susan was seven.

4 Long married himself, James and his wife Alice . . .

Long married himself, James and his wife comma Alice . . .

5 James would blush and stutter, and say “Just lucky I guess.”

James would blush comma stutter, and say comma “Just lucky I guess.”

It's a sweet story with lots of loving memories. Write, write, write . . .

Regards, jackson

15

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14 days may be credited.

#4821724

Review of The Drowned Lover

Review by jackson

In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Image #1831899 over display limit. -?-

von Garret,
. . . a Writing.Com account anniversary review of The Drowned Lover. There were a few things I noticed, they are listed below.

1 Every day I followed her down to the (river;) amidst the weeping willows and the wild roses.

Every day comma I followed her down to the river comma amidst the weeping willows and the wild roses.

The semicolon is used to separate two independent clauses. Every day, I followed her down to the river is an independent clause. but amidst the weeping willows and the wild roses is a dependent clause. The dependent clause can't stand by itself and make sense; it depends on Every day, I followed her down to the river to make sense. You need to use a comma between the two clauses.

By the way, (Every day, I followed her down to the river, amidst the weeping willows and the wild roses.) is a good selection of words. It sounds like poetry.

2 She hummed her Siren's song, and for a time I lived as if in a (dream;) her silent watcher.

She hummed her Siren's song, and for a time I lived as if in a dream comma her silent watcher.

The same with the above sentence, a comma instead of the semicolon.

Other comments
The whole story has a flow and rhythm as if it was poetry. The words complement each other, as a result of the deep emotions present in the narrators mind. For me, it's a stand-out work. Thank you, for sharing . . .

Regards, jackson

16

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14 days may be credited.

#4821593

Review of who is she?

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Chan,

Welcome to Writing.Com. I read your poem, who is she? You said in your bio that you don't know anything about poetry. I'd like to help. What I will say is: I noticed you could express yourself really well. This is evident in the lines of Who is she? What I'd like to do is, reformat your poem, and see if you like it better. I'll do the first stanza only. Your first stanza is directly below, and below that, another way to format it . . . to give it rhythm.

Who is she ?

She don't know who she is anymore?
But whatever she is its not her , the real her is trapped, so far away.
That the key to her freedom is lost and its not coming back.
She is trapped , trapped in a way that she doesn't even know how she got there.
Her wings? Are cutted off in pieces , her hopes? Are shattered , her voice? Is lost , her heart? Forget how to beat , her mind? is not hers anymore.
It's like she is their physically but her mind is being controlled by the demons inside her , making her difficult to breath , to work , to speak , to think rationally .
She is lost , so lost that she forget to come back and now doesn't even know the way back.

New format

Who is she
Anymore she doesn't know
Whoever she is
It's not her inside
She is trapped
So far away

The key
To her freedom
Is lost
And its not coming back
She is trapped
Lost in her own heart

Her wings
Are cut off
Her hopes are shattered
Her voice is lost
Her heart
Forgot how to beat

Her mind
Belongs to another
She is there
But not there
The turmoil inside her
Makes it hard for her to breathe

To speak to work to think
She is lost
So lost she forgot
To come back
Now she doesn't
Know the way back . . .

I hope you like this, It's more like poetry this way. It's only one writer's opinion, disregard it, if you don't like it. Write on . . .

Regards, jackson

17

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14 days may be credited.

#4821551

Review of Story From a Bison Rancher

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Image #1585921 over display limit. -?-

MrH,
On the anniversary of your WdC account, a review . . . I enjoyed reading your story. It let's us know that animals, contrary to the beliefs of many scientists, do have thinking ability . . . the ability to reason. And a bison mother does have love for her offspring.

The study of animal behavior is a complex undertaking.

No matter how many brain scans are performed, no matter how many scientists pore over the resulting pictures, observation in the field is the true key in determining to what extent bison can think, and even observation has its limits. Thank you, for sharing this story with us.

Punctuation/spelling

I took note of a few mistakes in punctuation and spelling in your story, they are listed below, along with a suggested edit.

1 Scanning the (heard) of several hundred he noticed a cow circling and hovering over her calf that was on the . . .

Scanning the herd of several hundred comma he noticed a cow circling and hovering over her calf that was on the . . .

2 With their horns and in as if they communicated with each other, used their horns to attempt to lift the calf up on its feet.

The sentence above is a little awkward . . .

With their horns comma delete (and in) as if they were communicating with each other, they tried to lift the calf to its feet.

With their horns, as if they were communicating with each other, they tried to lift the calf to its feet.

3 . . . the entire herd returned to where the calf had breathed it's last, and filed past, some walking some in a slow trot,

. . . the entire herd returned to where the calf had breathed it's last, and filed past, some walking comma some in a slow trot,

4 A Bison rancher . . .

Bison doesn't need to begin with a capital letter.

5 Not long after leaving her calf two young bulls come charging over the hill to where the calf still lay.

Not long after she left her calf comma two young bulls came charging over the hill to where the calf still laid.

Not long after she left her calf, two young bulls came charging over the hill to where the calf still laid.

6 It seemed like they had only one option which was to kill it and move on, which they dd.

It seemed like they had only one option comma which was to kill it and move on, which they did.

7 They prodded and nudged (but) did something never seen before.

They prodded and nudged and did something never seen before.

They prodded and nudged and did something never seen before.

Comments
Hey, it's a neat story about the behavior of bison. Animals are not without emotions and the ability to think . . .

Regards, jackson

18

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14 days may be credited.

#4821283

Review of The Locket

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Image #1585921 over display limit. -?-

Hello Joyous,
. . . an anniversary review. Congrats on being with WdC another year.

Comments . . .

(for readers of your story.)

The Locket is an endearing story of a young woman becoming old. Her husband, because of a collapsed tunnel, disappears for long years. All she has is the locket, with a picture of her husband inside. She clutches it as she prays for his return. But he doesn't return. Still . . . she prays.

On her deathbed, she calls her relatives to her bedside to distribute her assets. To her granddaughter, she gives the locket. One visitor later, the woman dies, but in the meantime . . .
Are the woman's prayers answered with so little time remaining for her? To find out, read the story.

Punctuation

1 It had been given to my Grandmother Marie long ago . . .

It had been given to my Grandmother comma Marie long ago . . .

2 I came to her side hesitantly, by tears hidden behind a mask at the moment.

I came to her side hesitantly, my tears hidden behind a mask at the moment.

3 . . . and Grandpa hadn’t come home, yet she still prayed, and hoped.

. . . and Grandpa hadn’t came home, yet she still prayed, and hoped.

4 It was for that reason I was surprised that she had given it to me. And the reason I didn’t want it.

The phrase (And the reason I didn’t want it) is not a complete sentence.

It was for that reason I was surprised that she had given it to me comma and it was the reason I didn’t want it.

Final Comments

. . . a good story with a surprise ending. Write on . . .

Regards, jackson

19

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14 days may be credited.

#4821155

Review of Rough Neck-The Gang Buster!

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Image #2194839 over display limit. -?-

Hello Ex!

Congrats on the anniversary of your WdC account.

A synopsis of your story for future readers . . .

Henry Mann is a good man turned bad. His wife is killed and his daughter gravely injured by stray bullets from a gangster fight. As he stands by his daughter's hospital bed, Henry vows revenge. Does he get it? Read the story to find out . . .

Good punctuation makes a good story better. See some things I noticed in your punctuation below . . .

He believes his (mouths) moves to respond when the . . .

He believes his mouth moves to respond when the . . .

A few hours later on comma the children’s ward of the hospital . . .

A few hours later on is an introductory phrase which introduces the rest of the sentence, a comma indicates a short pause there.

Then darkness (over takes) him.

overtakes is misspelled.

He grabs the few items that (was) requested and makes his way to the cashier.

He grabs the few items that were requested . . .

. . . where he believes his wife and daughter (is).

. . . where he believes his wife and daughter are

Wife and daughter are plural, you need to use (are).

At the counter he sees a child’s candy toy.

At he counter comma he sees a child’s candy toy.

At the counter is an introductory phrase, a comma needs to come after it.

Kalee will like this”.

Kalee will like this." The period goes inside the quotation marks.

The period should come after (this) then the quotation mark.

He (put) the items on the counter and (digs) in his pocket for money.

The above sentence uses a singular verb (put) in the first phrase, and a plural verb (digs) in the second phrase; both verbs need to be singular or plural, not a mixture.

He put the items on the counter and dug in his pocket for money.

. . . or alternatively, He puts the items on the counter and digs in his pocket for money.

Once inside he yells out . . .

Once inside comma he yells out . . .

"Hey, I bring home the iron too”.

The period should be inside the quotation marks.

"We do not believe you were
targeted”. the period should be inside the quotation marks.

He says, "Work was alright, but, I live for the (night”,) as he grabs her butt and squeezes. She smiles and pulls away, “Well if you didn’t get the groceries . . .

He says, "Work was alright, but delete comma I live for the (night,") as he grabs her butt and squeezes. She smiles and pulls away, “Well comma if you didn’t get the groceries . . .

Suddenly there is a sharp pain in his shoulder. . .

Suddenly comma there is a sharp pain in his shoulder. . .

Suddenly is an adverb, it modifies the entire sentence which comes after it, a comma needs the separate it from the words it modifies.

To be precise, your family was bystanders hit by stray gunfire.

To be precise, your family were bystanders hit by stray gunfire.

(Family) is plural and (was) is singular, you need to use the plural form of (to be) which is (were).

On the way out Lt. Mitchell turns to Henry and says . . .

On the way out comma Lt. Mitchell turns to Henry and says . . .

. . .he spies a group of men on the side of the buliding . . .

For clarity you need to say, beside the building.

"Hi daddy(!”,) she yells out,
“What did ya get (me?”.)

She yells out, “Hi daddy! What did ya get me?”

The exclamation point terminates Hi daddy! and the question mark terminates What did ya get me? There is no need for the periods.

Comments

It's an excellent story with plenty of action. The only thing I noticed was the punctuation. Write on . . .

Regards, jackson

20

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14 days may be credited.

#4820906

Review of World View

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

lightbeam333,
. . . an anniversary review, in connection to your recent WdC account anniversary. I was impressed by your story, and many of the things you mentioned about the present state of the world, I also, hold concern about.

Image #2194839 over display limit. -?-

I enjoyed how you described your coming to awareness of the things which are important in life. I believe the most important things in life are: love, honoring the Earth, understanding, compassion, the lack of jealousy, not being vengeful and obeying the laws, of course. There are, of course, many other important things.

My favorite line of the whole item is: 'Why is everyone so damn concerned about what others have and not worrying about the things that are important or actually matter.'

You need a question mark at the end of the above sentence. I noticed a few other things as I was reading . . .

1 My soul is old as i have been told many times. I needs to be capitalized

2 Just like i have been told i am an Earth Angel sent to . . .

3 . . . to the things i have seen and have experienced that I just cannot explain.

No matter where it occurs, the pronoun I is always capitalized.

I enjoyed your story, your descriptions of your rebirth into awareness of what is important in life and your growth to reach that state. The Earth needs more people like you.

••• A final thought

Our Earth becomes what we change it into, let us leave it pristine.

Regards, jackson

21

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14 days may be credited.

#4820774

Review of Just an Alabama Girl

Review by jackson

In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Image #1831899 over display limit. -?-

Soul sister,
Congratulations on being at WdC another year. I am sending you some comments on your story, Just an Alabama Girl.

Memories are special, huh? They reside in our hearts, waiting for that special moment they will be released to once again have the breath of life.
My earliest memory, brought to life by your story, is standing in a crib. It was pine, I think, just stained, no paint . . . Along the top were red and blue wooden balls, about the size of marbles. You could spin them around and around.

I enjoyed the way you described your early life. The details about your brother, your father and the rest of the family, give us a vivid eye into what it was like growing up in Alabama. I especially liked the parts about farm life, as I was born on a rural farm in Kentucky.

Since your story is not yet completed all I speak of is: the way it was told, the interesting detail of your ealy life and my enjoyment of it.

Five

s, an excellent story.

Regards, jackson

22

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14 days may be credited.

#4820356

Review of The Hem of His Garment

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Alex Morgan,
. . . a review from

Image #1585921 over display limit. -?-

Congratulations on the anniversary of your account here at WdC.

A little note to show my appreciation of The Hem of His Garment. This item shows us that stories can be anywhere, it is our obligation as writers to find them in our hearts. You found one . . .

I like how you took a Biblical source and transformed it into this tale. It gives the reader a face to look upon as they read the Biblical account. We see not only a face, but a person. A person whose hope has died in her heart stands before the reader as they read your story. We can see this forlorn woman, experience her emotions, have sympathy in our hearts and experience the joy which filled her when she touched the hem of Jesus' garment. You did a fine job of looking inward and developing this story. You show us her despair from suffering a horrible affliction for twelve years, but more importantly, you show us her faith that the son of God can cure her.

Other Comments

I noticed one little thing, and I know you just missed it when editing. See it below . . .

Rachel put on a brave face as she returned at their greetings . . .

At needs to be deleted.

Five

's

Regards, jackson

23

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14 days may be credited.

#4820096

Review of Nightfall

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Image #2194839 over display limit. -?-

Midnight Dawn,

Good morning, I have just finished being entertained by your item, Nightfall. To congratulate you on another year at WdC, I send you this review.

I enjoyed your descriptions of the stranger, you didn't concentrate on just his outer surface; you gave us a glimpse of his mindset. The rest of the story followed right along the same path which you established with those descriptions. We could imagine sitting there watching the story unfold as if we were a part of it. It's a great story, packed into just a few words. I noticed a couple of places where you need a comma in your story, see them below.

1 Playing cards was his specialty, and playing cards with drunken fools he found in little saloons like this one, well that was his bread and butter.

Paying cards was his specialty, and playing cards with drunken fools he found in little saloons like this one, well comma that was his bread and butter.

In using the word well, well, it's an introductory word which introduces the whole sentence, or phrase which follows it. It suggests a slight pause before someone continues speaking.

2 Under the sherriff's watchful eyes, the stranger mounted up and rode out of town a little richer for his time.

Under the sherriff's watchful eyes, the stranger mounted up and rode out of town comma a little richer for his time.

In the sentence above, the main objective of the sentence is to tell the reader (the sheriff watches the stranger as he mounts up and rides out of town.) Following that, you give us the extra information that the stranger is now a little richer. A comma needs to separate the two things.

. . . great story.

Regards, jackson

24

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14 days may be credited.

#4819959

Review of Cemetery Rd...Story

Review by jackson

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Image #1585921 over display limit. -?-

Hello ~BABYLOVE~,

. . . a review on the anniversary of your creating an account on WdC. This is meant to be a helpful review, I hope you are still writing, because your story was enjoyable. I will offer a suggestion . . .

What a writer wants to do, is to have their work read. It's the writer's need, to draw the reader's attention. A good opening will catch the reader's attention, inducing them to continue reading. With this in mind, I offer this suggestion . . . Instead of your opening lines which are below . . .

Your opening

This girl is getting ready to leave her home. She gets in her car and turns the engine on, she stares straight out of the window and starts the strange thoughts of things happening and thoughts of things that might be happening.

I would open your story something like this . . .

Strange things happen on Cemetery Road. The last time she drove on that road, weird thoughts crept into her mind. But here she was, sitting in her car with the key in her hand, only seconds away from driving on Cemetery Road again.

Oh Lord, she thought. Please don't let that happen again.

Punctuation
I will give you a few tips on punctuation below . . .

I am listing your sentence/sentences first, followed by an edit suggestion.

1 There is no cars passing by or coming towards her.

Above, if your sentence was talking about one car, (is) would be the right word to use, but if you are talking about two or more cars, you need to use (are.) Always use (is) when speaking of one object, and (are) for more than one.

2 She put the blinker to turn left and presses the gas and then turns to the left and accelerates.

In the sentence above, replace the first two (ands) with a comma. Your sentence is an (and) splice.

She turns on the blinker to turn left comma presses the gas comma turns to the left and accelerates.

3 She (hires) the volume on the radio . . .

She turns the volume higher on the radio . . .

Final thoughts

Editing is as important as writing, use your own judgement on whether to edit or not, but the fine-tuned product is like a guitar, it sounds better when tuned. Always keep writing, because you have a lot of words that want to be said.

Regards, jackson

25

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14 days may be credited.

#4819798

Review of Forgotten Hero

Review by jackson

In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Image #1831899 over display limit. -?-

Hi bonrose68,

. . . a WdC account anniversary review. Your poem, Forgotten Hero has a good rhythm, it sounds good when read aloud. I appreciate your appreciation of all the forgotten heros of the world. They need to be remembered, and not only on Veterans Day, or with the laying down of plastic flowers on Memorial Day. Although these things do show a measure of gratitude, the forgotten heros need to be remembered in our hearts, as you have remembered them with your words.

Regards, jackson