Hello M.Rafay ,
My Thoughts:
This piece spanned three periods of your life. Each featured your mother. In the first we saw her when you were just a young child as a pillar of strength. Next, we saw how she was left behind when you left your land to seek your future. And finally, we see her in her last moments.
Each section was potent with memories. This piece holds both deep love, and deep regret. Even though English is not your first language, you were still able to explore the depth of the emotion you felt for your mother in all the phases of your life with her.
My Favorite Part:
I really enjoyed the first part, where you were just a young boy and still shaky as you entered the world. You were able to show how much your mother meant to you, and how you relied on her. She came through very clearly as a strong and loving woman who wanted the best for you, but still wanted you to be able to stand strongly on your own.
I was able to see her clearly through your memories. Because of this, I was able to feel your pain as well in the next two parts. It is so easy to let time slip away, to forget what is most important to us.
The allure of Tomorrow is great. But, as you found in this piece, eventually there are no more tomorrows. Eventually we deeply regret putting things off until we run out of time.
My Suggestions:
> Add a space between paragraphs. It makes the piece cleaner, and easier to read.
> I would remove the line: I was confused, annoyed, and puzzled. In the next line you say you were baffled, and it feels repetitive.
> In the line: I can’t think of my morning any worst than that in my entire life where I have to wake up without beating the evil Dragons. I'm not sure what you mean here. It is a little awkwardly written and you don't make it clear what the dragons are. Are they real dragons, or nightmares, or exciting dreams?
> In the line: Mean while when my mind was investigating the answer of unusual questions... Try this: Meanwhile, when my mind was investigating the answer to unusual questions...
> I would change 'this is my mother' to my mother struggled to wake me.
> The night before that morning would read smoother as last night.
> Now she will not there to guide my every moment is awkward. Try Now she wouldn't be there to guide me.
> I have to take decisions, I believe make would sound better.
> The morning of my first day at school still have the place in the deepest corner of my mind would read easier like this. The memory of my first day at school will always hold a special place in the deepest corner of my mind.
> It was one of the wonderful and soothing times I had with my mother in my life would read smoother as: It was one of the most soothing and wonderful times I shared with my mother.
> I was dress should be I was dressed.
> They seem to be happy and their faces glimpse that they didn’t have any worries. This is awkward. Try: Their faces showed no worry as they played.
> With huge building and so un-familiar faces I began to frighten. This isn't very smooth, try: The large building and unfamiliar faces began to frighten me.
> The next line would read smoother as: I wanted to go home to my mother, where everything was familiar.
> 'Pleasant smile in face' should read: she had a pleasant smile on her face.
> You shift a lot between past tense and present tense. Be careful with this. Example: she lifts me up and walks towards the building. This is present tense. Change to: she lifted me up and walked towards the building.
> Grips should be grip.
> Add quotations around the words your mother spoke.
> Change 'In addition, I also offered' to 'In addition, I was also offered.'
> Change 'They also offer' to 'They also offered me'.
> Shift should be move.
> happiest day should be happiest days.
> Change 'I hurriedly went home and announce' to 'I went home in a hurry and announced'.
> Change 'I could feel the disturbance' to 'I could see the disturbance on her face.'
> Change 'I couldn't find any answer to why she was worried' to 'I didn't know why she was worried on the happiest day of my life.'
> Days pass should be Days passed.
> Change 'the time came when I have to leave to the USA.' to 'and it was finally time for me to leave.'
> Change 'My mother asked me if I can say here with her' to ' My mother asked me if I would stay with her and continue the work there, but I refused harshly.'
> Change the next line to read: It wasn't sensible to give up the biggest opportunity I'd ever received.
> Change 'Her lips wanted to tell something' to 'She wanted to tell me something. It was clear she was eager to ask me a question, but in light of the bright future I saw, I couldn't gauge her expression.
> Six years has passed should be six years have passed.
> 'Work load and the race to be the best from the other busied me' would read smoother like this: The work load and the race to reach the top of my field took up all of my time. I couldn't find time to call my mother.
> She call should be she called.
> I will call you later should be I would call her later.
> and that later never comes in weeks should read: That LATER never came. Drop the weeks become months become years, and make this it's own sentence. It will give the statement more power.
> Captures should be captured.
> Change 'I couldn't find any importance to relations in my life' to 'I forgot the important relationships in my life. My responsibilities to my mother were lost in my need to succeed in my career.'
> Change 'One night when I was busy doing my work I received a call from Pakistan.' to 'One night when I was (insert a specific task so that we get an idea of what your work is: reviewing reports, sorting through applications, etc.), I received a call from Pakistan.
> Change 'my mother is in hospital and taking the last breath of her life' to 'my mother was in the hospital and she was taking her last breaths. Her last request was to see me.'
> Change 'At that time my mind flattered and I leave everything is is' to 'When I heard the news my mind came to a grinding halt. I abandoned my work and went to her.'
> Change the next line to read: Within twenty-six hours I found myself in Pakistan.
> Change 'This was the first time I was seeing' to 'This was the first time I'd seen'
> Retire should be tired.
> Hairs should be hair. Also change it to 'her hair was now'
> Change the next line to: She can't speak properly and is unable to see.
> Change the next line to: When I saw her, tears filled my eyes.
> Change 'Doctors say that she didn't have much time left' to 'The doctor told us she was running out of time.'
> Sit should be sat.
> Change 'I could see wrinkles in her face' to 'Wrinkles lined her face.'
> Suffers should be suffered.
> Change 'and I could imagine how much she agonizes by living with my memory' to 'At the sight of her pain, I could imagine how hard it must have been to live with just the memory of me.'
> Hold should be held.
> Change 'My tears fall into her palm which opens her eyes.' to 'Her eyes slid open when my tears fell into her palm.'
> Change 'I sense that she was living just because to see the glimpse of my face' to 'When I saw her eyes, I realized that she had held on to life long enough to see me one last time.'
> Change the eyes, to her eyes.
> Change 'Her eyes were saying that remember my child I told you that...' to 'Her eyes spoke to me, they whispered: remember my child when I told you 'One day all have to leave this world." The look in her eyes said it all.
Final Thoughts:
I know that there are a lot of suggestions. I believe that many of these errors are a result of English not being your first language. Even though there were a lot of mistakes with the sentence structures and word usage, I was still able to get a very strong emotional feeling from this writing. Please continue writing, and as you write, you will continue to learn. For now, I would suggest that you find someone who speaks English as a first language to proof read your work prior to submitting. This will help you weed out a lot of the errors I've listed today. I would be happy to re-read and re-rate this piece after you've had a chance to edit it.
Thank you,
~Noyoki
Write On!!
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