What you say is true, but we are of God too. In order to escape God we would have to escape ourselves too. Consider expanding this under the assumption that you are more than God's subject, you are in fact a part of him. This is a start, but too short to really explore. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you, this is a lovely piece.
One line seems opposite though to what you point to in the rest of the poem...
"It must shield itself from despair, harden its soul" .... Consider ending that line with something like "..., but not hardening its soul.
Overall it flows well and is pleasing to the ear and heart. Thank you again.
:) Fun story! I liked this - the way it changed from what I thought was going to be a horror story into something else. Well done.
There are a few issues with tense though - it should stay the same throughout the entire story... for instance, where you said "Just then a door slams behind them" should be "slammed". There are several instances of this, mostly beyond halfway through.
And in this line; "a face looking down at them with the large scowl" should be "a scowl" instead of ""the scowl"
Bravo! Well told tale indeed! Though I sort of had a feeling of the direction of the ending, you managed to pull it off differently than I expected.
One detail sort of had me confused though, and you might want to address it. Around the 10th paragraph you say "“But whatever you do, don’t go past the old ruins on the other side. They are dangerous.”" - this implies to me that there are some kind of ruins of buildings, but in your story that seems to devolve into a "ruined mountain". Perhaps you might want to look at that more deeply and see if you can clarify the thoughts.
In the 9th paragraph from the end there is a simple typo.. "...and Lucas was carefully as he rounded the bend..." should be "careful".
Thank you very much for a well written and enjoyable read!
This is a fun little story to read. I can feel the bubbling of youth in the main character.
There were a couple of things that seemed to catch as I read it...
In this sentence.. "A Nanny obeyed, is a Nanny sated after all." you do not need the comma, unless it were just after the word "sated"
Near the end is a sentence that catches the mind a bit too... "My chest swelled and my eyes roamed it’s wings furled against it’s body." The proper possessive form of "it" is without the apostrophe (its) and you should try to avoid the use of a word twice in a sentence so close together. Perhaps change the first instance to "the".
A good story overall - very well written. It feels like it belongs as part of something larger though.
Bravo! I like this poem a lot.
There is, however, one line that sticks for me... "their eyes gummy glued to Youtube" - consider reversing "eyes" and "gummy" so it reads "their gummy eyes glued to..."
..or not.
This is very well written and I can feel the sentiments you were trying to express very well.
Thank you for sharing this.
This was a fun little story. Even though you hinted it in the title, I was surprised by the twist at the end.
One line messed with me a bit... "Simon Spark sneered into his chest, the way he does." This could be just me, but should the tense change at the end of the sentence? I do understand that you are implying that he does this often, but would it not be better to end it something like "...the way he did to those he did not like..."?
It's nice to see something by you again here - perhaps I need to write something too :)
This is very bittersweet, and I like it a lot - simple and strong.
One line I found to be a bit awkward... "...that stunning eyes has lost its light" - you might conider re-wording it something like; "...those stunning eyes have lost their light" to fit better with the tense and flow of the rest of the work.
Nicely said :) It is good to see such thoughts expressed in such a short piece. It is hard for most to do this, but you have done well here. the use of italics is one of my favorite ploys, but you have pulled it off much better than I usually do. Thank you for sharing this.
The only thing that I do not like about this piece is that it is too short - grin - Honestly, this is some very vivid writing, and your English is very good. I would love to read some of your longer works. This sounds like a memory - if it is, I am sorry, but it does not diminish my admiration of your descriptive skills
This is an interesting beginning - it grabs me and makes be want to read more.
There are a few points to it that grate on my mind as I try to read it though....
In the second paragraph there is a line "...looked down upon the trailer as they stand in front of the large rose created in 1225 at the center of the facade." I understand that the statues just stand there, but "stand" does not fit the tense of the rest of the sentence - possibly stood, but maybe some other approach to the concept. It is also not clear if it was the rose, the statues, or both that were created in 1225.
In the third paragraph, do we need to know the brand name of the bow? If so, and if it is a real brand name (I am not familiar with makers of compound bows) it needs to have the (R) (Restricted) symbol after it. I think that just "compound bow" would be fine - unless you have a specific purpose to the brand name (which is not elucidated in this chapter, but may be farther in the work)
In the fourth paragraph... "...the trailer burst into flames catching the unsuspecting passerby’s surprised." - should be "by surprise" or something like "...surprising unsuspecting passersby" ... note that the plural of "passerby" is "passersby"
In the fifth paragraph is a line... "Andre, over six foot tall and in his twenties, “Ils sont en vie!” they’re alive in French." ...Andre said? ...they're alive should be in quotes too - all in all a very awkward sentence, you might want to play with it some more.
You mix metric and English measurements a lot - you might want to decide on one or the other. Also, in prose it is customary to use the words for numbers - helps the text flow better to the eye... i.e.. "twenty" for "20"
All in all, this looks like a great start, and I look forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing this.
I like this! It is probably too common a feeling, but seldom mention.
One thing did strike me as a little odd - but maybe it is what you intended... in the third line from the end it says "I have big plans that I have thought of yet" - should this be "haven't" or "have not"?
Regardless, it's a nice piece and it flows well. Thank you for sharing this.
I always wondered why people thought Ulysses to be a hero for this very reason. To me, all of his great deeds fell short compared to this great wrong.
Very well done, and you've done an excellent job of matching the style and meter of the original epic.
One question, and this probably stems from the fact that I speak American English, and bot real English as do you, but would not the word "weft" fit the flow of the poem better than "woof"? I know they mean basically the same thing, but "woof" seems to sound out of place here (to my American Ear)
This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.
Your Story contained 100 words.
You repeated no words!!!!
A powerful little story - I used to run marathons and could identify well with this - you really captured the spirit, which is very difficult in such a short space - and you did a great job of keeping the syntax normal sounding.
Winners will be anounced in a day or so in the forum.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1086091 by Not Available.
This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.
Your Story contained 100 words.
You repeated no words!!!!
Naughty but nice, indeed! You pulled off telling a complete story in such a short space, and it was a really fun read. Only forty seconds though?
I do not count spelling or typographical errors against you in this contest, but note that numbers should be hyphenated to two words (eightyfive should be eighty-five), and you were two words short until I did this. (The count was counting your emoticons as words - careful of that!)
Winners will be posted in the forum in a day or two.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1086091 by Not Available.
This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.
Your Story contained 100 words.
You repeated no words!!!!
Very powerful. Not many try this exercise with all dialog, but it worked well for you here. You've made a very complete story in such a short space, and you made the syntax sound almost normal - which is VERY difficult for many.
Thanks for a wonderful entry!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1086091 by Not Available.
This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.
Your Story contained 100 words.
You repeated the following word: "around"
That was really interesting - your vivid descriptions made me forget after the first line that you were talking about the snowglobe - until that last line drove it home again. Very nice entry!
Note: "Yuletide" should be capitalized - but I don't count mechanical stuff like that against you in this contest. (Although, you were naughty and repeated a word).
Thanks again for your entry, and I look forward to seeing more of your work on this site.
Robert
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1086091 by Not Available.
This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.
Your Story contained 100 words.
You repeated the following word:
"despite"
I like this one a lot - maybe I'm biased too as I had a shadow like that myself a long time ago. Thanks for that story - and I hope that you'll try this contest again sometime!
Robert
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1086091 by Not Available.
This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.
Your Story contained 100 words.
You repeated no words!!!!
That's a very NOT naughty job there! Well done - and it's a nice complete story with a lovely ending packed into a little space, and you did a nice job of making the syntax sound normal.
Thanks again for your entry!
Robert
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1086091 by Not Available.
This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.
Your Story contained 96 words.
You repeated no words!!!!
In spite of the fact that you came up 4 words short, this is a very good entry - you got some action and a lot of passion in the tiny little space provided.
Well done, and thanks for entering the contest. Please consider entering again in the next roud!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1086091 by Not Available.
This is the official review of your entry. Winners will be announced after all entries have been reviewed.
Your Story contained 100 words.
You repeated no words!!!!
You presented me with a dillema here. Your use of "multi colored" is technically incorrect as "multi" alone is a noun, but used with "colored" it should be an adjective and all one word. That would put your count at 99 words instead of 100, but I'll let this one slide (this time ) as the piece is so very good. You've done an excellent job of telling a story and keeping the words sounding "normal" in such a tiny work.
Thanks again for your entry!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1086091 by Not Available.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/obwan
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 7:29am on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
) as the piece is so very good. You've done an excellent job of telling a story and keeping the words sounding "normal" in such a tiny work.