A very well written story. It's tight and moves along at a good pace. Although I felt the father's intention to keep his boy with him, I didn't suspect he would commit suicide and take the boy with him THAT WAY! A surprise ending to a touching story. Good Writing Denny
I liked this...it has imagination and great potention. It does have some problems with grammar and punctuation, but that's not hard to fix. Also, it would improve greatly if you tightened it up.....it's wordy, amateurish. Again, something that can be improved with practice, practice, practice. A good rule of thumb -- one that will be sure to make you tear your hair out -- is this: count the number of words in a story, then rewrite it using only half of those used in your first draft. Yeah, I know, it sounds impossible but you will be astonished at the difference it makes. Keep going..... I'm hooked... I want to know what happens next!! Regards, Denny
This story shows wonderful imagination and simply great story-telling abilities. You are a 5.0 writer... but, you are covering up your great work with grammatical errors, point of view jumps and unexpected tense changes. These are things that can be easily corrected.
Here is one 'writer's rule of thumb' that will improve your stories immediately: stop explaining; don't TELL me, SHOW me. A very simple example of this is in paragraph 4 -- you tell your reader why the prisoner's back hurts -- instead, tell us about the floor he is forced to sleep on. Is it cold, stony, damp? Describe the prisoners back muscels...are they constantly tense, "knotted up"? Find a way to make your reader feel his suffering without ever using the words "his back aches".
I hope to see much more of your work! It's enjoyable, imaginative and truly capivating!
Hi Erin, Very interesting story; I LOVED it...... You could have pulled this right out of the "Twillight Zone" series. Telling the story through dialog is a very clever way to bind the reader to your story's character and lend a sense of urgency to the character's delema. The story itself was well thought-out and logical. On the flip side, I could not award it more than a score of 4.0 because of the obviously missing "mechanics" of punctuation and various grammar issues. All in all....VERY FINE WRITING! You will do well in the future. Denny
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