(RE-POST: EARLIER POST OF THIS REVIEW WAS WITH THE WRONG ITEM...)
This is an absolutely beautiful piece in terms of content. It is poignant, touching, and thought-provoking. You have obvious talent! You're discovering how to tap into your own inner emotions AND demonstrating cognizance and consideration of those of others. BOTH of these talents are instrumental - and of immeasurable value - in culliing "ho-hum" writers from the phenomenal ones. In this piece, you've masterfully hurdled the the most challenging of all obstacles for a good writer - you've distilled your piece to its most intense potential in terms of emotion and humanity. Resultantly, you have here an absolute diamond in the rough and can now commense the polishing process. That process involves first the basics - insuring that all grammar, spelling, and punctuation best serves your purpose and optimally enhances your piece. Then polish further by reconsidering more subtle nuances (such as choosing maximally powerful words and more dramatic word arrangement, and utilizing creative punctuation) in terms of enhanciing the power, impact, delivery, etc. of your thoughts. The "polishing" is as much fun (and far less daunting) as the process of intially penning your thoughts. Think of words as affording you innumerable uniquely shaded hues with which to paint your thoughts, and add as many 'colors' to your pallette as possible. Once penned, sit back and read your words with the eye of a newcomer to the piece - take in and savor them thoughtfully with the 'tastebuds' of your mind. Ideas for "flavoring" your work in varying ways come more readily this way. Before you know it - you'll have a polished diamond, brilliant with many, many facets. I've noted a few suggestions for such polishing below - but keep in mind they are ONLY suggestions to offer you avenues of your own to explore. Your immense talent will be a natural asset in the process of polishing - DO WRITE ON !!!
Sincerely,
Kelly
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She came into his life for a moment,
but she would have a eternal effect.
He was lifeless now,(;) all he did was weep.
For his wife was dead.(consider deleting "For" here - it will make your line more dramatic and add punch.
He rocked his head ageist (against) his knee,
slowly(,) like a whisper in his ear he herd(heard,),
"don’t cry for me, move on with your life."
His head raised and he stared at the gentle light,
("He raised his head and stared/or gazed) at the gentle light"
his mouth waved (wavered?);and then broke away from the cry(weeping or tears?) and into a smile.(Consider deleting the un-needed conjunction, "and")
Only last week they(they'd) said their most sacred vow(vows),
In a church full of both family and friends.(Deleting "both" here might tighten up your line and enhances flow...)
The priest standing out front, his clothes shinning.(shining) - (Consider another adjective here - perhaps 'resplendent" or some other adjective a bit more applicable to the noun, 'clothing'.)
Now today the family and friends stood by him. (Consider dropping the "Now", since it is redundant when used in conjunction with "today". Deleting "now" and leaving the "today" makes your line more taut, rendering it more powerful)
There(their) faces long gone with smiles, but replaced with tears. (This line is a bit awkward, but only needs a bit or re-arranging - something like 'From their faces, long gone the smiles; replaced by tears' maybe?)
The priest who glorified(Perhaps you meant, 'sanctified' here?) the wedding now was mourning(Using, "now mourned" resolves the problem of mixing tenses in this line)
She lay in a coffin, still wearing the ring he (he'd)placed on her hand.
Slowly the coffin was lowered into the ground and with it,his heart.
The rain started to fall as he muted (Do you mean, "muttered" here?) to him self(himself,)
"TILL DEATH DO WE PART."
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