Hello and welcome! I read your bio to find out a little about you after reading both your first chapter and this edited version. It is wonderful that you have that deep desire to write. Writing in something other than your native language is a huge challenge to take on, I admire your courage. A long time ago I tried to write in German---but soon decided that was for me. You have also taken on a difficult basis for the first chapter, again, you have courage. With a dream sequence remember you are bringing to life another world---the qualities of dream or nightmare crossing over into the idea of visions hinge on the words you choose. You might want to get a good thesaurus to help with word choices.
The expansion of the original idea is great. As I read I understand you are creating an eerie sense of the supernatural around these two characters. You do a good job of establishing the idea that they are connected in a way that the main character does not understand at this point.
In this sentence," Then suddenly I began to have a strange feeling, a feeling of as I was lost among the dark shadows and felt very lonely. I heard some voices and some scream. It was calling someone and it was getting nearer to me." I understand you are trying communicate Daniel's troubled senses---his is beginning to feel that unsettled reality we all feel when we realize we are dreaming but feeling it has a deeper meaning. A suggestion might be, "Eerie shadows caste by the streetlights added to the feeling of empty echoes in my heart. As they shifted darkness washed over me carrying with it a nameless fear pricked by screams and voices. Someone was calling---someone was screaming and growing closer. This is just a suggestion---
You have a great idea and are expanding it well. I am looking forward to reading more and seeing where Daniel's dream is taking him. The aura of mystery is great and some of the best I have read in a while.
I love the windscreen wipers and how " violent competitiveness wasn't tolerated" both very English ways of expression. One of the things I learn from Mom was the use of words and self control no matter what---it lends that aloof air of the British. I have become quit good at both as well.
There are a couple sentences that stood out--- 1) "Was it really necessary of her to prove to him how scared she wasn’t of him?" Could you reword it a bit? Who was she trying to prove her strength to----herself or McKenna? To create a better flow you could shorten the sentence to "Was it really necessary to prove that she wasn't afraid of him?"
2) "Her mind had been preoccupied looking at a pair of women dressed in army combats to notice that McKenna had walked into the warehouse and nonchalantly sauntered over to them." Perhaps she could be sketching the other parties this would give a reason to being preoccupied with studying other contestants. She would have been "to" preoccupied to notice.
The thing I notice the most is the structural things, i.e., "He told her it was in the Aburra Valley and is part of the Andes and that is was the second largest city of Colombia." He explained that Cartagena, the second largest city in Colombia, was in the Aburra Valley part of the Andes. for example.
3) "She smiled. Not a polite smile but a genuine smile, the first she had shown him since he met her yesterday." This is the first time in both chapters that I have felt a connection to you as an author and to your characters. It is as though you finally let down a guard. Through out the story you have shared glimpses of both your characters and the surroundings that rather leave the reader hanging. You have a wonderful gift for setting the hook and getting the reader interested. Being a person who is used to a more traditional form of paragraphs the two and three lines tend to be distracting to me. Just when I am settling into the thought it changes, for me, anyway, I like to see more development. That way I find myself even more involved. Have you ever read Agatha Christie? There is something about the way you write that reminds me of her.
Your development of your story line is great. There are times I wonder if you have actually experienced some of these things-your inclusion of the military check point is a wonder detail that many would have overlooked. You might try reading it out loud it helps to hear it. You can catch run on sentences, thoughts that just are not quite coming across clearly, etc. Again, I am looking forward to reading more.
I have really enjoyed reading this. I had to chuckle you spoke of British English----having been born in England and raised in the States I grew up with terminology and phrasing that to this day make people look at me oddly. One of the first things to jump out at me was " Toby thinking fondly of the guy who had to pull out last minute on the account of a broken arm." It might be thought that you are telling us Toby is gay with the way it is word. Another suggestion is that you might change "on the account" to "because"--- it simplifies and flows better.
There are somethings you might want to expand----these are just suggestions.
1) Uncomfortable about the situation she is in, having an enemy in McKenna, to be met almost instantly by a man who knows ones name would throw up all sorts of red flags for a young woman alone in a strange country. You might want to develop her character---Is she is strong and self sufficient? Has she been sheltered and being forced to step out on her own? Has she been the one to take care of her family and her sister? Why is the sister important? Is any of this something to be developed later in the story?
2) This might sound picky but how did she get the glass of water? Was it offered when she entered the building? Did she carry it with her because of the idea of Montezuma's revenge? Another little thing "“I think he thinks I’ll..." might be "I think he believes I'll"
3) Part of the mystery is the idea that she is involved in something she knows nothing about. As I was reading though I wanted to know more about the race she was beginning. The way this reads most of the people you have introduced us to are veterans---this would be a perfect opportunity for her to "pick their brains" and supply information to the readers.
It is a good beginning. You have included little tastes such as " just in time for the elevator to ping its arrival." and section about their lunch give insights into to both of your characters that imagination allows. Leaving this first section this way set up well for your next chapter.
Looking forward to reading more.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/oldmanschild
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 9:53pm on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "