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33 Public Reviews Given
36 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Technical comments:

(1) Spellings: There were a number of deliberate, effective misspellings (like “coffe” to mimic the coffee machine into something of a “cough machine”; “herself”, comically suggesting a distorted version of Renata.). However, in the following, the “a” used in place of “at” before “two” does not seem used consistently. It appears to affect the rhythm and impact of the sentence:
“We have a wake coming up this afternoon, a body being shipped over a two, and a family is coming to the showroom at three.”

(2) Grammar: In the following sentence, the adverb “from cancer” looks like a misplaced modifier. It suggests that it was the kid that “came from” cancer (if one can make any sense of that) rather than that it was the father who died from cancer
“Renata's father passed away when she was just a kid from cancer, but her mother was a strong woman.”

A better construction would be:
“Renata's father passed away from cancer when she was just a kid, but her mother was a strong woman.”

Better to place qualifiers as close as possible to the sentence element they modify.

Structural Comments:

(1) Finally, the four major episodes ( the encounter with the boss, the funeral ceremony, etc) of the story would make the story easier to follow if they were segregated, maybe with some form of paragraphing or with asterisks. The transition would then be easier and smooth rather than abrupt as I experienced it.

Well done!

Tee
2
2
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A very lively and life-like piece with intimate descriptions that engage the reader irresistibly. The dialogue is particularly animated and quite convincing. It is fluent and unpunctuated. The depiction and characterization of Bill and James are very skillful.

I noticed the following lapses:

(1) Gagging again, his temples pulse with the force of a jackhammer on a steel hull
The construction is not grammatically accurate. It was he, and not “his temples”, that is “gagging”: the construction suggests that his temples gag. Consider:
Gagging again made his temples pulse with the force of a jackhammer on a steel hull or,
Gagging again, he made his temples pulse with the force of a jackhammer on a steel hull
(2) Comma omitted: “Six months if it’s a day isn’t it?”
Better: “Six moths if it’s a day, isn’t it?”
(3) Agreement: “We both knew what a pussy you are. “
“are” should be in past tense.

Well done!
3
3
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This part of the series is very well written. It creates a suspenseful atmosphere that heightens into a drama. The depiction of the stranger’s furtive movements and the working of his mind, on the one hand, and the brief portrayal of Sharron’s actions surreptitiously watched by the stranger, on the other, testify to a seasoned literary creativity. Skilful and discreet.

The writer’s skills appear to mature with very episode of the series: while there are similarities in personal touches between the three episodes, there a marked ascent, a distinctive creative maturation.

I noticed the following grammatical lapses, which you might wish to consider :

(1) Stopping at the corner to let a group of children cross she turned right to get to the main road that would take her to Bill’s office
A comma should precede “she” for a better read. As the sentence stands, “she” might be read as the object of “cross”.
(2)” Oblivious to her she didn’t see the Chevy sedan parked two houses behind her. “
Again, a comma should precede “she”. Besides, the two “her’s” can be somewhat confusing to the reader. Would something like this not be a little better? –
(i} She was so oblivious to her, she did not notice the Chevy sedan that was parked two houses behind her
(3) Standing, she moved to the counter and prepared a light breakfast of toast with a little butter.
While it is true that the sentence construction does not suggest that “standing” and “she moved” occur simultaneously, there is a rather outlandish “jump” from standing to moving. The transition looks as unnatural as to be mechanical. The human mind does not work in such a machine-like manner, standing and then moving without an apparent transition—except it is done deliberately as in military drilling. “Standing, she moved…” is the equivalent of “ Standing and then moving…”, which suggest robotic operations. Consider:
“She left her standing position and moved…” Her leaving of the standing position is the necessary transition.
(4) “Looked around the wooded park area and seeing no one, he exited the car. “
There is a lack of grammatical correspondence between “looked” (past tense) and “seeing” (continuous tense). Consider:
Looking around the wooded park area and seeing no one, he exited the car.
Or:
Looked around the wooded park area and saw no one, so he exited the car.
(5) Eyeing the surrounding area carefully he pulled his hair into a ponytail allowing the morning breeze to play across the sweat that bubbled along the nape of his neck
.”
A comma will do before “he”.
(6) “Stepping onto the grass of his new backyard his heart accelerated. “
It was not his heart that stepped unto the grass ( as the sentence construction suggests), so this would better written thus:
On stepping onto the grass of his new backyard, his heart accelerated.
(7) “Correction he thought with a lascivious grin, James and Shannon’s home.”
A comma belongs before “he”.
(8) “Having watched the comings and goings of this section of neighborhood James knew everyone’s schedule that lived here. “
Similarly, a comma belongs before “James”.

Well done!
4
4
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a very descriptive and detailed piece, very life-like and engaging. The word choice is colourful, and the sentence construction nicely varied in length and structure.
There was, however, a chronological lapse in the fourth segment: Wednesday, 7:56 a.m coming after Wednesday, 8:10a.m but preceding Wednesday, 10:30a.m. This order is not consistent with that of the first through the third segments.
I also have a few grammatical and syntactic suggestions for you:
(1) "The cloying odor of human waste and dried sweat slept on his tongue"
"Cloying" suggests here that the subject is unusually cannibalistic - "odor" of human waste smells "sweet" to him and can even "cloy" .
(2) "He shifted to relieve the kink in his back and a rat skittered and loosed a muffled squeal."
"loosed": Won't "released" , or something to that effect, be better?
(3) "As he squinted through his one good eye he studied the rat and its prize; a bloated jointed worm. "
A comma would seem better in place of the semi-colon.
(4) "A lime-green Pontiac pulled up to the curb"
Would "pulled up BY/BESIDE/IN FRONT OF not be more appropriate?
(5) "The honking of a car horn interrupted the summer morning"
The "honking" is a sound, while the summer morning is a period: How did sound interrupt period? WHAT in the summer morning did the honking interrupt? Got the picture? It would be better to be specific - was it the serenity of the summer morning, the peaceful calmness and stillness, or the melody of singing birds in which the observer was deeply engrossed?





5
5
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I could have been dead!!, an engaging story with the ring of reality! The emotions conveyed can readily be identified with by everyone who at one time or another has been scared to death by some dreadful, life-threatening event. Your recount of every stage of this deadly episode proceeds naturally and sequentially towards the climax of the movements immediately after which you expected the bear or moose to emerge: “Suddenly, I hear a loud rumbling and rapid pounding...bushes rustling......I can feel the earth rotating under my feet and the air becomes extremely heavy...I feel every breath...Long slow in...long slow out”. It is noteworthy that the narrative techniques used for the recount is beautifully more conversational than written. To this beautiful approach, it owes its charm and power to glue down the reader and drive him on non-stop right to the end of the story, having from the very beginning taken him out of himself to the world of horror depicted. This captivating power, interestingly, also has this hidden artifice of making everything about the story “right” because it tends to blind many a “charmed” reader to every formal and structural irregularity. To such a reader, it emphasises its content much more than its form as it appeared even to do to the writer himself. The writer seemed to be under the creative spell of a force that drove him to transfer his experiences right into paper with a little less attention to the form of his writing than he would perhaps have normally given. Such phenomenon is found more in emotive conversational narrations than in a written ones.

My suggestions for improvement are mainly formal:
The story was filled with many grammatical inconsistencies of tense. There were frequent alternations in usage between the past and the present tenses, which makes the writer appear undecided as to whether to narrate is story as a current (ongoing) or as a past event. There were also unusual punctuation errors—due, perhaps, more to the “impatience” of the narrative force I alluded to above than to the deficiency of the writer.

A. INCONSISTENCY IN TENSES

Some examples:

1. It was (past tense) a strong feeling, I knew (past) something was there. Something was in the woods. I was sure of it, suddenly, it was totally quiet. no birds, no wind but just eerie silence, well except for my heartbeat which was trying to pound it's way right out of my body. I looked at my watch, wow it read 240 HR. That can't be right? My max is (present tense) about 190. At 240 I would (past) probably be dead...I look (present) around, scanning the woods. all I see (present) is shadows. My heartbeat is (present) so loud now that it seems (present) to be echoing through the woods like a dog whistle and chanting "here boy!"

“I feel (present) hunted. Something was (past) watching me and I racked (past) my brain to figure out what to do. I assum by the noise, it had to be something big, like a bear or moose. At that moment I heard (past) rustling to the left of me. I turn (present} quickly and stare into the trees. The normal calming essence of the woods has now turned to pure fear. I am struck by the image of the mean trees in The Wizard Of Oz. Their branches appear to be reaching toward me. It seems so dark now. Was it always this dark? Were the shadows always this scary?”


“ The woods seemed [ past tense to vibrate as the raspy sound engulfs ([present tense) me again. This time much louder and surely much closer. A lump forms (present) in my throat and I can't seem (present) to force it back down.”

There are additional instances, which can be spotted

B. Spelling
“ I assum [assume/assumed] by the noise, it had to be something big, like a bear or moose”

C. Idiomatic/qualifier correctness
“There is a place called Pineland that used to be a home for the Mental retarded and now it is a huge complex. “
Shouldn’t that be “mentally retarded”?
D. Agreement
“They are a strange animal” (probably an oversight)
Better: “They are strange animals/ It is a strange animal.
E. Consistency of parts of speech
“My heartbeat is so loud now that it seems to be echoing through the woods like a dog whistle and chanting "here boy!"
Because “whistle” and “chanting” are linked with “and”, a coordinating conjunction, both words should be grammatically similar. Consider:
My heartbeat is so loud now that it seems to be echoing through the woods like a dog WHISTLING and CHANTING, "here boy!"
OR
My heartbeat is so loud now that it seems to be echoing through the woods: did a dog WHISTLE and CHANT "here boy!”?

. F. Diction
“I wish I had it now, plus it would make a good desert for the meal I was going to be.”
This will probably sound better if “plus” is replaced with a colon or semi-colon. Consider:
I wish I had it now: it would make a good desert for the meal I was going to be.
I wish I had it now; it would make a good desert for the meal I was going to be

G. Punctuation

1. “why is it so loud” – Why is so loud? ( Capitalisation)
2. “no birds, no wind but just eerie silence, well except for my heartbeat which was trying to pound it's way right out of my body” - No birds, no wind but just eerie silence, well except for my heartbeat which was trying to pound it's way right out of my body ( Capitalisation)
3. “I was sure of it, suddenly, it was totally quiet.”
Consider: I was sure of it; suddenly, it was totally quiet


All the best in your emotional creativity!
6
6
Review of Majesty  Open in new Window.
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Audra!

Your story has the special mystique of taking the reader out of his physical environment into a world of fascinating realities. It seems to owe this magical power mainly to its distinctive imaginativeness, its realistic passion, its simplicity of language and thought development and its grammatical soundness. The plot is natural and sequential, and should appeal to every aesthetic sense of balance and natural development. It is mysterious enough, yet has good conceptional basis for practical day-to-day application. For instance, the inspiration the benumbed paralytic got from the oak tree can be viewed as a practical metaphorical representation of how a man in abject distress can derive strength and courage from men and women similarly distressed yet buoyant and dogged enough to weather the storms of their current distress. The deadly approach and super-earthly threat of the monster can become a figurative rendition of such moments of unspeakable reversals in life as liaise with hell and with utter darkness. Yet these reversals do not bring the world to a standstill; they do have their limits and ends as the healing rain and the restorative Nature of the story quite correctly imply.

However, the mysterious depictions, if savoured directly, without an attempt to relate it to “realistic” facts of life, have the quality of bringing the reader into the personal inner experiences of some men and women in deadly distress. The depictions can make the reader feel something of what such agonized people do PERCEIVE and go through inwardly. When such a reader reads these portrayals and recollects the deadly distresses of such people, he might be able to sense a part of WHAT the people ACTUALLY go through inwardly.

I have the following suggestions for improvement:

AThought Development

(1) “Wait a minute - maybe I wasn’t paralyzed - maybe I was dead! I realize as you read this sipping your coffee in the safety of your home the idea seems unrealistic”

”I realize as you read this sipping your coffee in the safety of your home…” Doesn’t this statement suggest that the piece is meant for only those sipping coffee in the safety of their homes? And that the narrator has a metaphysical perception that makes her see what all these coffee-sipping readers do as they read her story? She sees how they sip their coffee and she also “realizes” that the idea seems unrealistic to them? (She reads their mind, knows their thinking?) Perhaps it will be more realistic to write something to the effect of “I realize as you read this, the idea MIGHT seem…”
2. He grinned at the thought of my bad fortune
This sounds like a categorical statement of certainty: Did the narrator really see what informed the monster’s grin? Did she even CORRECTLY sense it in spite of her freezing terrors? The monster grinned, yes. But why did it grin? The total unfamiliarity of the narrator with the monster would have hardly made her able to correctly guess at what lay behind the grin. Such a statement of certainty conflicts with other more natural ideas in the story; for instance, the terrified mystery that characterized her inner reactions to the approach and looks of the monster. Therefore, it would seem better to write something like,” He APPEARED to grin at the thought of my bad fortune”, or “Was he grinning at the thought of my bad fortune …?”

3.” All I could focus on were its teeth. They appeared larger than the rest of its face. And the color - what color was that? A disgusting yellowish-gray. I cringed at the thought of them encircling my helpless body.
“I cringed at the thought of them encircling my helpless body” suggests that the teeth were flexible enough to be made into a circle. Ordinarily, teeth are rigid, never pliable, so “encircling” is out of the question for normal teeth. The writer omitted to depict the flexibility of the teeth. A colourful depiction of the teeth’s flexibility, perhaps a depiction of an “encircling flexibility”, would add more life to that paragraph. By “encircling flexibility”, I mean something along this line of thinking: The teeth, apparently straight and rigid, are capable ONLY of bending into a circle in AN ELASTIC MANNER, that is, they can encircle every body, every thing, irrespective of the body’s or thing’s width or size, holding it in quite firmly in their grip. To depict this fact, perhaps a preceding illustration of how it did encircle the oak tree will do.

B.Grammar

1. “Realizing I must be on the bank, damp all over erased some of the comfort the river's song had provided”
A comma was omitted after “over”
2.” The crunching sounds the leaves made as they died beneath his heavy claws were screams of horror to my ears. I cried for them”
“Them” has no definite antecedent: to what does it refer? To “my ears”, “screams”, “his heavy claws”, etc. I think a specific noun should be substituted for “them”.
3.” I wanted to be up in the safe arms of the oak tree away from this monster”
Doesn’t a comma belong after “tree”?


Well done! And do write on!

Tee
7
7
Review of Majesty  Open in new Window.
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Audra!

Your story has the special mystique of taking the reader out of his physical environment into a world of fascinating realities. It seems to owe this magical power mainly to its distinctive imaginativeness, its realistic passion, its simplicity of language and thought development and its grammatical soundness. The plot is natural and sequential, and should appeal to every aesthetic sense of balance and natural development. It is mysterious enough, yet has good conceptional basis for practical day-to-day application. For instance, the inspiration the benumbed paralytic got from the oak tree can be viewed as a practical metaphorical representation of how a man in abject distress can derive strength and courage from men and women similarly distressed yet buoyant and dogged enough to weather the storms of their current distress. The deadly approach and super-earthly threat of the monster can become a figurative rendition of such moments of unspeakable reversals in life as liaise with hell and with utter darkness. Yet these reversals do not bring the world to a standstill; they do have their limits and ends as the healing rain and the restorative Nature of the story quite correctly imply.

However, the mysterious depictions, if savoured directly, without an attempt to relate it to “realistic” facts of life, have the quality of bringing the reader into the personal inner experiences of some men and women in deadly distress. The depictions can make the reader feel something of what such agonized people do PERCEIVE and go through inwardly. When such a reader reads these portrayals and recollects the deadly distresses of such people, he might be able to sense a part of WHAT the people ACTUALLY go through inwardly.

I have the following suggestions for improvement:

A. Thought Development

(1) “Wait a minute - maybe I wasn’t paralyzed - maybe I was dead! I realize as you read this sipping your coffee in the safety of your home the idea seems unrealistic”

”I realize as you read this sipping your coffee in the safety of your home…” Doesn’t this statement suggest that the piece is meant for only those sipping coffee in the safety of their homes? And that the narrator has a metaphysical perception that makes her see what all these coffee-sipping readers do as they read her story? She sees how they sip their coffee and she also “realizes” that the idea seems unrealistic to them? (She reads their mind, knows their thinking?) Perhaps it will be more realistic to write something to the effect of “I realize as you read this, the idea MIGHT seem…”

2. He grinned at the thought of my bad fortune
This sounds like a categorical statement of certainty: Did the narrator really see what informed the monster’s grin? Did she even CORRECTLY sense it in spite of her freezing terrors? The monster grinned, yes. But why did it grin? The total unfamiliarity of the narrator with the monster would have hardly made her able to correctly guess at what lay behind the grin. Such a statement of certainty conflicts with other more natural ideas in the story; for instance, the terrified mystery that characterized her inner reactions to the approach and looks of the monster. Therefore, it would seem better to write something like,” He APPEARED to grin at the thought of my bad fortune”, or “Was he grinning at the thought of my bad fortune …?”

3.” All I could focus on were its teeth. They appeared larger than the rest of its face. And the color - what color was that? A disgusting yellowish-gray. I cringed at the thought of them encircling my helpless body.
“I cringed at the thought of them encircling my helpless body” suggests that the teeth were flexible enough to be made into a circle. Ordinarily, teeth are rigid, never pliable, so “encircling” is out of the question for normal teeth. The writer omitted to depict the flexibility of the teeth. A colourful depiction of the teeth’s flexibility, perhaps a depiction of an “encircling flexibility”, would add more life to that paragraph. By “encircling flexibility”, I mean something along this line of thinking: The teeth, apparently straight and rigid, are capable ONLY of bending into a circle in AN ELASTIC MANNER, that is, they can encircle every body, every thing, irrespective of the body’s or thing’s width or size, holding it in quite firmly in their grip. To depict this fact, perhaps a preceding illustration of how it did encircle the oak tree will do.

B.Grammar

1. “Realizing I must be on the bank, damp all over erased some of the comfort the river's song had provided”
A comma was omitted after “over”
2.” The crunching sounds the leaves made as they died beneath his heavy claws were screams of horror to my ears. I cried for them”
“Them” has no definite antecedent: to what does it refer? To “my ears”, “screams”, “his heavy claws”, etc. I think a specific noun should be substituted for “them”.
3.” I wanted to be up in the safe arms of the oak tree away from this monster”
Doesn’t a comma belong after “tree”?


Well done! And do write on!

Tee
8
8
Review of A Single Strand  Open in new Window.
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This poem, apparently, announces the writer’s deep, tender and intimate love and concern for a little bird. It brings the reader into the writer’s world of dreams and hopes for the bird, and lets the reader know of his perception of the bird’s receptivity to human beings and how much the well-being of the bird means to him. With the poem, the reader can infer the writer’s appreciation of the world of this little bird, considering that the single strand of hair not only has a “frayed edge”, but is capable of catching the “best intentions of the sun” for the ultimate vitality and zest of the bird. The “frayed edge” which, perhaps, can become visible to human beings only through microscopic or similar instruments, is ordinarily perceptible the bird in its world. The writer hopes that the potential spark of gold that lies hidden in the strand will come to life through the hair’s union with the essence of the sun. Thus the possibilities of a beneficial impact of the sun on the hair strand are one of the possibilities and realities of the bird’s world.

The writing is, of course, a highly figurative representation of perceptions and wishes. The strand, for instance, far from being a literal strand of a physical hair, probably has to do more with the idea of what a simple but genuine concern and care for a little pet bird can do for the little creature in a severe February cold. It seems to convey the notion that it is not too difficult to contribute significantly to the well-being of a bird so long as the intention of the one concerned is genuine rather than frivolous. The necessity for genuineness, that is, the necessity for the care to arise from out of the inner being of the one offering the care, is suggested by the reference to the strand of hair: the care and concern must be a part of him, must be a part of his inner self of, just as the strand is a part of the one from whose hair it drifted out of the window. The figurative descriptions also seem to refer to the far-reaching multiplier returns of such outwardly simple acts of solicitude: the enlivenment and increases zest for life which the promoted well-being of the little bird will have on the one offering the care. The strand (which corresponds, in this case, to the simple act of genuine solicitude) will drift “toward a new meaning” beneficially giving the caring one’s living a “reason”.

Suggestions for Improvement

Would it not strengthen the poem to include what kind of “reason” the writer hopes the enhanced vitality of the bird will give to his “living”? Perhaps in one line or more of more literal than figurative language—just to make the idea clearer and more emphatic. Or in a readily accessible figurative language that stands out. Such an inclusion, I think, will provide a striking climax for the poem, enhancing its essence.


Well done!

Tee
9
9
Review of Sensual Rain  Open in new Window.
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Ski-ster!

The main strength of this poem seems to lie in the genuine, realistic expressions of the writer’s emotions. These emotions, themselves credible and realistic, are easily identifiable with. Therefore, such exaggerations as, “her sensual essence…” and “engulfing every inch of my …body”, serve to bring these sensual emotions to greater clarity and liveliness before the reader’s eye. There is also the beauty of its consistency in thought development which redounds to its credibility: it is not here a question of a loose, contrived imagination, but a fact, a reality, something which did happen. This observation is, of course, without prejudice to the realising power of creative imagination, through which fancies can be transformed into reality. This “recount” might well be an expression of such imaginative creativity relating something which “did happen” only in the imagination. But the consistency of its expressiveness must be cited for its empathetic vicariousness or for the reality of its virtual experientiality. This realism is further corroborated with the unrestrained flow of the emotive sixth, seventh and eighth stanzas:

“A soft glow appears, highlighting a silhouette in the window
showing distinct womanly curves. The vivacious mannerisms and an aura of sensual energy
are radiated through the rain and into my own body.

”I can feel her soul watching me, I can imagine her warm breasts and her sensual essence
completely engulfing every inch of my hard wanting body.
A slight shiver travels through me as I toss my cigarette to the curb and
turn to meet her eyes with mine.

”The instant our visions touch an electrifying charge momentarily freezes me
I grin showing approval and desire.
I walk slowly away, knowing she will follow.
She always does as my control over her is strong.”


In these stanzas, the passion and fever of the emotions makes the structures “circumvent” the consistency of the structure observable in other stanzas. These stanzas sprawl and scatter in a fever of sensual paroxysm. Genuine emotions, more or less bursting the bounds of inner composure (which the consistent and “gentle” structure of the other stanzas suggests).

I have the following suggestions in Thought Development :

(1)” A window I have spent many nights watching and waiting.”
I am aware that poetic license allows the circumvention of grammatical rules, yet grammar seems to have a “poetic say” here in the context of the entire poem: Have you been “watching” the window and also “waiting” [?] the window? That is the question Grammar obliges one to ask. Of course, unconventional as it sounds, it is quite possible to “wait” a window—in poetry; for instance, to leave it intact—open, closed, clean, dirty, etc—to make a window “wait”. But there is hardly any evidence of “waiting the window” in latter stanzas of the poem. If on the other hand, this sentence is taken to mean, ‘I have spent many nights watching the window, waiting night after night”, the latter stanzas will provide no justification, for there is nothing about a “night after night” waiting in them. Suppose the nightly waiting is described, or hinted at, in further stanzas? Or the “many nights” in the first stanza removed and substituted with such a phrase as “so much time”. And if “nights’” was used figuratively to refer to this very sensual-rain occasion, then it might be necessary to explore the progressive phases of the “night” on this occasion, for consistency of thought. For instance, the appearance of moons, the changing clouds, etc. Otherwise, won’t “A window I SPENT many nights watching and…” do?
(2) The second line of the fifth stanza, “The vivacious mannerisms and an aura of sensual energy are radiated through the rain and into my own body”, I think could be made more concrete—more descriptive and definite. “The vivacious mannerisms” does not appear to give a very clear clue about what the woman was doing. Consequently, the nature and intensity of the “sensual energy” that was radiated cannot be clearly visualized.

Well done! Write on!

Tee
10
10
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Audra!

This piece reveals something of your world of romance as an individual. With it one gets to know something of your individual preferences in romantic celebrations and how these celebrations reflect the love you feel for the object of your adoration. One also gets to know what special, incisive impact your divorce has made on your love life. The story lives more in the world of feelings than in the world of thought; the plot development as well as the sentence constructions clearly expresses this romantic sentimentality.

Consider the following suggestions for improvement:

A.Plot
The power of feeling more than the power of thought determined and seemed to affect the plot.
“I practically waltzed to the beautifully decorated table”, shows that your walk to the decorated table was “practically” light and nimble. From the descriptions in the story, your man stood close to the decorated table. One might wonder: Where was your man when you entered into the room, before you moved towards the table? Was he standing close to the table? What was he doing or what might he have been doing? How did he react to your entrance? The man seemed to be out of the living picture here, and the story appears to invest him with a kind of immobile inanimateness until you gazed at him. Was it your gaze that gave him life?

“My heart melted as I realized Come Rain or Come Shine was playing ...” This might raise the question : Is it characteristic of this “melted heart” to be so enthralled by “Come Rain or Come Shine” and Valentinous flower decorations that it would take no notice of its object of affection? Was the man standing there in a propitiatory or conciliatory gesture, trying to reconcile with you?

He “stood before” you. Does this standing not suggest he suddenly appeared from nowhere, epiphanically? In what kind of gesture was he standing? Were his eyes closed or open? Whether closed or open, what impression did these eyes convey to you when you first entered that room? And now when you stood close to the table? Were they so comparatively unimpressive that you ignored him on the strength of “Come Rain or Come Shine” and the decorated table, and simply “waltzed” to the table? Why did he not facially or verbally react to you presence as you entered the room and expressed admiration for the decorations? And who really is this “man”, a metaphorical symbol or a human reality? A mere figurative, inanimate representation of a romantic book or something else without humanness?

What I am implying here is that whether the “handsome man”, the love of your life, was really a human being or not, much more attention should be given to his reactions and character on this romantic occasion. He was as central to the occasion as you were. But he seems to have just stood there like a servant in attendance until he knelt before you. I understand you had a 300-word limit, yet a few sentences substituting for others not so important, I believe, will suffice. There was barely any background information on the role or character of this apparent male object of affection.

B.Grammar
1. “It was merely a parting of lives; a time that was long overdue”
A comma seems more appropriate than a semi-colon, since “It was merely a parting of lives” is a clause, while “a time that was long overdue” is a phrase.


Well done and do write on!

Tee
11
11
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Audra!

A highly imaginative, exquisite piece. The simplicity of its grace and poetry will captivate the reader and keep him attached from the start right to the end. This creative recount of an actual or a fictional discovery of a laboriously-sought inspiration has both practical and romantic merit. It suggests that a recollection of early-childhood days of adventure, whether imaginary or real, does contain a good deal of hidden inspiration sources for current creative writing purposes (practical); it also emphasizes and brings to life the fact that good literary imaginativeness of the mythical or fairy-tale kind has powers to magically “wrap up” the reader and transport him into realms of recreational and didactic realities (romantic).

Among others, the concise and charming description of the inspirational doe, your changing attitudes to this creature, the adventure into the woods and the portrayal of the manner you experienced it—these all help the development the piece in its striking romanticism. Besides, the skillful movement from the colourful portrayed world back to the reality of the very story being read and the unexpected connection at the end of the piece, between that world and the story are strong points of high merit. The magical doe simply came on a romantic practical mission to help you out of your inspirational predicament.

There are, however, few grammatical lapses, probably due to oversight:

(A) I saw two in the sentence: “I decided since my hallucination had been kind enough to give me a nonthreatening animal with such poise and stature, I could have the courtesy to answer it.

(1) A comma, I believe, should precede “since” thus: I decided, since……., I could…”
(2) Nonthreatening: I also think a proper hyphen is missing: NON-THREATENING. Except, as it seems unlikely, a new coinage, “Nonthreatening”, was intended.
(B) “I touched the water disbelieving” : A comma after “water” will match the meaning you intended, as suggested by the context of the sentence. Left as it is, the sentence can mean, “I touched the DISBELIEVING water (i.e. the water THAT WAS disbelieving).

In addition to these two formal omissions, there are one or two seeming creative inconsistencies in the transition from the two worlds portrayed in the writing—from the world of the twenty-six-year old to that of the ten-year-old. In the realistic world of the twenty-six-year old, the magical doe saw not a twenty-six-year-old woman but a ten-year-old child. The doe apparently lived in its own world in which she saw this adult as a child—contrary to the woman’s perception through which she hardly saw herself as a child at twenty-six. However, the fact that she found the woods familiar (...”the woods I remembered well from my childhood.”) and noticed a difference between her current walk and her walk as a child(“ I recognized a change in my stride…”)—this fact suggests that she was not quite ten years of age as she walked beside the magic doe. But is the conception of this story not that of a traveling back to her ten-year-old days, a transition into the realm of the doe where she can only be ten years of age? Or was the particular place (where she walked in silence through the woods and watched for ogres) not yet fully in the realm of the doe, but perhaps a transitional realm between her real world (in which she was twenty-six) and the doe’s ( in which she was ten)?

Apparently, she travelled back into time, sixteen years back, into the realm of the magical doe which only lived in her childhood years and had not been part of the sixteen years that had made her twenty-six. For the doe, the reality of her ten – years-of- age childhood is the only reality and she had not left that reality—as far as the doe is concerned. So she called her “child” because the doe saw no more than a child in her . Because no transitional description of a PROGRESSIVE movement BACK into time was given in the writing, the writer’s RECOLLECTION of her childhood years or of the past as she walked by the doe suggests that she was about twenty-six in the world of the romantic doe where she could really only be ten.

This fact highlights an inconsistency.

The writer’s suddenly becoming ten by the water confirms her intention to convey a movement back into past where the doe had always lived. There she could be but ten years old, never more: there, there could be no question of her RECOLLECTING her childhood years, but only of RELIVING them.

I would suggest either the introduction of a transitional world where things would not be exactly as in the woods but would resemble something between woods and non-woods realities; or the introduction of ideas that suggest that you went back to your ten-year-old self directly, as soon as you strode by the doe in the woods towards that water of self-recovery. Then, the surprise you experienced would belong only to your twenty-six-year-old self. Not, however, in the woods, but BACK in the world where you wrote the story, where you had an inspirational predicament.
12
12
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Audra!

A highly imaginative, exquisite piece of writing. The simplicity of its grace and poetry should captivate the reader and keep him attached from the start right to the end. This creative recount of an actual or a fictional discovery of a laboriously-sought inspiration has both practical and romantic merit. It suggests that a recollection of early-childhood days of adventure, imaginary or real, does contain a good deal of hidden inspiration sources for current creative writing purposes (practical); it also emphasizes and brings to life the fact that good literary imaginativeness of the mythical or fairy-tale kind has powers that inevitably “wrap up” many a reader and transport him into realms of recreational and didactic realities (romantic).

Among others, the concise and charming description of the inspirational doe, your changing attitudes to this creature, the adventure into the woods and the portrayal of the manner you experienced it—these all help the development the piece in its striking romanticism. Besides, the skillful movement from the colourful portrayed world back to the reality of the very story being read and the unexpected connection at the end of the piece, between that world and the story are strong points of high merit. The magical doe simply came on a romantic practical mission to help you out of your inspirational predicament.

There are, however, few grammatical lapses, probably due to oversight:

(A) I saw two in the sentence: “I decided since my hallucination had been kind enough to give me a nonthreatening animal with such poise and stature, I could have the courtesy to answer it.

(1) A comma, I believe, should precede “since” thus: I decided, since……., I could…”
(2) Nonthreatening: I also think a proper hyphen is missing: NON-THREATENING. Except, as it seems unlikely, a new coinage, “Nonthreatening”, was intended.
(B) “I touched the water disbelieving” : A comma after “water” will match the meaning you intended, as suggested by the context of the sentence. Left as it is, the sentence can mean, “I touched the DISBELIEVING water (i.e. the water THAT WAS disbelieving).

In addition to these two formal omissions, there are one or two seeming creative inconsistencies in the transition from the two worlds portrayed in the writing—from the world of the twenty-six-year old to that of the ten-year-old. In the realistic world of the twenty-six-year old, the magical doe saw not a twenty-six-year-old woman but a ten-year-old child. The doe apparently lived in its own world in which she saw this adult as a child—contrary to the woman’s perception through which she hardly saw herself as a child at twenty-six. However, the fact that she found the woods familiar (...”the woods I remembered well from my childhood.”) and noticed a difference between her current walk and her walk as a child(“ I recognized a change in my stride…”)—this fact suggests that she was not quite ten years of age as she walked beside the magic doe. But is the conception of this story not that of a traveling back to her ten-year-old days, a transition into the realm of the doe where she can only be ten years of age? Or was the particular place (where she walked in silence through the woods and watched for ogres) not yet fully in the realm of the doe, but perhaps a transitional realm between her real world (in which she was twenty-six) and the doe’s ( in which she was ten)?

Apparently, she travelled back into time, sixteen years back, into the realm of the magical doe which only lived in her childhood years and had not been part of the sixteen years that had made her twenty-six. For the doe, the reality of her ten – years-of- age childhood is the only reality and she had not left that reality—as far as the doe is concerned. So she called her “child” because the doe saw no more than a child in her . Because no transitional description of a PROGRESSIVE movement BACK into time was given in the writing, the writer’s RECOLLECTION of her childhood years or of the past as she walked by the doe suggests that she was about twenty-six in the world of the romantic doe where she could really only be ten.

This fact highlights an inconsistency.

The writer’s suddenly becoming ten by the water confirms her intention to convey a movement back into past where the doe had always lived. There she could be but ten years old, never more: there, there could be no question of her RECOLLECTING her childhood years, but only of RELIVING them.

I would suggest either the introduction of a transitional world where things would not be exactly as in the woods but would resemble something between woods and non-woods realities; or the introduction of ideas that suggest that you went back to your ten-year-old self directly, as soon as you strode by the doe in the woods towards that water of self-recovery. Then, the surprise you experienced would belong only to your twenty-six-year-old self. Not, however, in the woods, but BACK in the world where you wrote the story, where you had an inspirational predicament.
13
13
Review of Celebration  Open in new Window.
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Katwoman!

Your Celebration is a very creative and imaginative portrayal of a deep, independent perceptive on the outward December celebrations, which, for you, had undertones deriving from the trials and misfortunes of the past one year. Poets, I believe, should be capable of such “cumulative” experiencing which relates the past to the present with a clear head, open mind and decisive objectivity. Thus, for you, the celebrativeness of the late December merry-making pictured in the poem went beyond the conviviality of the moment to embrace greater meaning and deeper significance from the experiences of the past year. Your use of metaphor and personification is quite skillful and stimulating—absorbing : “The finish of trying births and deaths”, “sleeping Decembers”, “gifted perfume masking the stink of submission”, “gifted perfume masking the stink of submission”, etc. These figurative phrases serve to “usher the reader into” and keep him firmly in your worlds of creative thoughts and unconcealed emotions; they keep him in the “tour” through these fanciful, heart-and-mind-revealing realms.

The only suggestion I have for now is more intellectual than aesthetic (intellectuality and aesthetics, I think, should complement each other in any creative piece of writing): The successive lines:

“With the finale of another year comes
the finish of trying births and deaths,

seem concerned with the very last moments of the year rather than the one-off celebration being recounted in the poem. Additionally, the word “finale” suggests the culmination of a SERIES of celebrations that have taken place over the past one year. If is “finale”, then it must be a PART of preceding (similar or dissimilar) celebrations. In any case, a kind of celebrativeness is suggested, similar in its purpose or commemorativenes to at least one or two such occasions that occurred in the course of the year. Would it not do to include, directly or indirectly, the idea of such preceding celebrativeness even if it be through a mere one-line or one-word hint at a previous festive or non-festive occasion?

Write on!
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14
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)

Dear Ann Ticipation,

The message of your poem stands out; viz, an admonitory, subtly reprimanding call to the stony-hearted opulent class of people in their mindless indifference to the plight of deprived, war-agonised children. The fourth stanza is particularly apt in its shape, suiting its content. (Perhaps unintentionally), it is given the form of a straight declivity (a descending slope), the topmost line referring to the aristocrats and the self-sufficient, and the lowermost, to the underprivileged. This arrangement coincides with the call of this stanza to the well-to-do or the more privileged (topmost line), to “descend” from their relative height of outward superiority towards the underprivileged ( lowermost): “descend” DIRECTLY - “in a straight line” - IMMEDIATELY, looking neither right nor left, but directly towards these bloodied victims of deprivation!

I, however, have a few points for your possible consideration:

1. In the first three lines of the first stanza:
Do you know a child
That will get up to play?
What if they died before tonight?

You seem to suggest that only at nights do children play - only at nights do they “get up” to play. This suggestion would be understandable if the “child” you refer to were not the typical kind of child, but some alien species of children, who “awake” or “rise up” at nights for their play. Subsequent stanzas, however, preclude this possibility; they imply the usual kind of child. Perhaps you meant something like:

Do you know a child
That will get up to play?
That will not die before next light?

“Next light”, taken in context of “get up to play”, should suggest the idea that there are as many “lights” in a day as there are fractions of a second; thus “next light”, evocative of the subtly ever varying shades of lights within a day, is synonymous with “ the next fraction of a second”. (The light of the sun - and of the day - varies every fraction of a second.)

2. Second Stanza:
Do you care? Do you fight?
For you have the power,
You know it can't be right
So many 'buds' don't flower.

“Do you care/ Do you fight?” suggests: “You do not care”. You, however, began the next line with “for”, a word apparently explaining why “you do not care”. It is illogical, however, not to care simply because one has “the power”, except, defined in preceding stanzas (which was not), “the power” is the power of apathy, stony-heartedness, and indifference. A word such as “Yet” or “although”, I believe, would better replace “for”.

3. Sixth stanza: “Will you stand and say no”. Consider: Will you stand and say “No”.

Please, do understand why I have rated this work as I have done - I am a stickler for logic in expression and thought-development, in every genre of writing - lyrics inclusive!

Well done!

Tee
15
15
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Ann Ticipation,

A good attempt, but with potentials for depth, maturity, consciousness and refinement. By these, I mean your poem could be made clearer and more logical in content, and more aesthetically pleasing in form. Your diction and rhyming are skilful, but it seems some of rhymes were rather forced to the detriment of the . For instance, in the third stanza, third and fourth lines:

Will then gradually ease
Things once more will please

The fourth line suggests that “ things did PLEASE before the bereavement” .The implication here is that "things" about the object of love AS WELL AS about the loving one - "things" about his work, family, aspirations, etc - DID PLEASE SIMPLY ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOVE HE BORE FOR THE OBJECT OF HIS AFFECTION! First, pleased whom? Your poem, suggests - pleased EVERYONE! Of course, you know this is certainly unrealistic and impractical. For even the most virtuous, or the hypothetical embodiment of impeccable uprightness, for whom all is rosy and easy, cannot be pleasant to all and sundry, however deep, pure and passionate may be the love he bore for another at any point in time!

Another instance of this drawback is in the first stanza. The “it” is ambiguous. Do you mean “love”, “meaning”, or “living”. Perhaps, here again your consideration for beauty is sacrificing sense and intelligibility. Apparently, by “it”, you mean “love” or “meaning” .But does death really take away the love - or the meaning deriving therefrom - that one has for the deceased object(s) of affection?

Now as to content. An instance of weakness in this regard lies in the third stanza. “Love is the reason for grieving. The sadness I feel for a while will THEN gradually ease. The “then” is synonymous with “ consequently”, “as a result”, or “therefore”. In other words: “ Consequent to the FACT THAT LOVE MAKES ME GRIEVE, THE GRIEVING SADNESS WILL EASE.” Or more simply: Because it is love that makes me grieve, the grief will ease.” Suggesting that the force of grieve is at the same time also the force of ease - brings relieving ease NECESSARILY AND AUTOMATICALLY! I am wondering about the logic here! For what grieves does not automatically, as a matter of course, also annul the grief it induces.

I do not contend that love is unable to remove the grief it causes, but nothing in your previous stanzas suggests this. Consequently,the word “then” stands illogical and non sequitur. The beauty of poetry, I believe, does not dispense with logical setting out of material and content, one thing clearly following from the other without any assumptions as to the premise of statements, that is, without assuming that the reader should understand unexpressed notions and basis for statements.

Well done for the attempt!

Tee.
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16
Review of England  Open in new Window.
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Ann Ticipation,

Your England is an enthralling poem. I found it stimulating and informative, intriguing and sensitive, inspired and inspiring. I do not doubt - assuming there is nothing of a fictionalisation in the poem - that you do bear a living pride and nostalgia for your native soil, and that you are filled really with enthusiasm for its abundance of physical beauty and its wealth of human and material resources. The tone, structure and diction of the poem say this eloquently. Not to be overlooked, too, is your experienced skill in rhyming and diction, which adds to the artistry of your work.

You might wish to consider these:

”I vow to thee my country sung fervently every term at school” (last stanza, seventh line)

Absence of punctuation gives this line an ambiguity: It can mean: “ I am vowing to you that my country sung fervently every term at school;” or: “ ‘I vow to thee’ was the song my country sung fervently every term at school;” or: “ the song: ‘ I vow to thee my country’ was sung fervently every term at school;” or even: “ The person or thing called: ‘ I vow to thee my country’, sung fervently every term at school.

(The latter possibility, improbable as it seems, is very well within the wanderings and exploration of imaginative poets.)

What you seem to mean is the third possibility (i.e.: “ the song: ‘ I vow to thee my country’ was sung fervently every term at school”), which I suggest you punctuate so:

‘I vow to thee my country!’ was sung fervently every term at school.

or:

‘I vow to thee my country!’ was the song every term at school.



Well done.

Tee.
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17
Review by Tee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Ann Ticipation,

The liberality of your poem greatly coincides with my yearnings! I share the bulk of your sentiments. I am especially struck by the sixth stanza, which expresses a longing for flexibility and freedom of verbal expression. I do not always believe in the strictures of word usage or word formation laid down by grammatical orthodoxy. Hence I am tempted from time to time to “liberalise” these conventions-- quite defensibly, though-- and even coin new expressions, but with care, so that I do not compromise ease of comprehension. Your theme is well-developed and is properly captured in the form and style of the poem.

You might wish to consider the following:

1.I am wondering if a “but” (perhaps preceded by a dash) would not be better for flow and tone than “however” in the first stanza.

2. “ I don’t want to be stuffy and appear imperious,
For I’ll never be a sheep, just one of the crowd.”

There appears to be an inconsistency in the thought expressed here: “I don’t want to be stuffy and appear imperious” means “ I do not want to be formal and dictatorial in manner.” But formality and dictatorialness, for all I know, are not commonplace attributes, as the second line seems to suggest: “sheep” and “one of the crowd” are indications of a herd mentality, the mentality of a rabble. Suppose the thoughts are harmonised?

3. The fourth through the sixth paragraphs: I feel a comma would do after ” cautious, cautious”, “vision, vision”, etc, just for the sake of easier read and comprehensibility. As it is now, aside from the viscosity caused by the absence of a punctuation, there is the sound of something rather weird; in the fourth paragraph, for instance: “… cautious why” sounds like a verbal use of the word “cautious” -- an adjective, by convention, though it is. But since “poetic licence” allows for such apparent perversions, the experienced reader would be halted by the ambiguity here.






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