I liked the imagery you used in this... it seemed to build in strength as you neared the end. But the end seemed abrupt and unresolved, somehow. Maybe that was the idea... I just felt like it was unfinished, maybe? You created such graceful imagery in that last stanza, and the final sentence just seemed to be too straightforward to fit.
That's just the impression I got, though. Overall I liked this very much... thank you so much for stopping to post in my forum!
I like the way you wrapped up the poem in the last two lines... very powerful. In all, it is a good poem... condensed into a few lines of simple imagery, but full of emotion.
My only suggestion would be in this line:
asking you,why have you done this to"HIM" again.
The second part seems to be worded like a question, which is a little confusing. It might be better to clarify it, like:
I think the broken-up lines of this poem added to the tone.... good job! You captured a lot of the hurt and bitterness of betrayal, in so few words. My favorite part was:
He swore to me, by that
moon. (I should have known-
that inconstant moon.)
...it reminds me of a line in Shakespeare; I forget which line or even which play, exactly!
And I'm glad to know that this is fictional. In any case, I enjoyed it.... keep writing!
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"Give me a heart as big as the universe." -St. Frances Cabrini
Wow. This was well written. I think the "Black Swan" is a creature that we all recognize all too well... and you evoked a lot of familiar emotions in this piece.
Keep writing. I enjoy what I have read so far.
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"Give me a heart as big as the universe." -St. Frances Cabrini
I like this.... what series of paintings was it based on?
I like that you use references from classical mythology. Maybe just because it makes me feel proud of myself because I know a little about classical mythology? Hmm...
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"Give me a heart as big as the universe." -St. Frances Cabrini
I liked the format of this poem. The rhyme was not overwhelming, and the structure of the lines gives a sense of reflection, which fits the poem nicely.
I also loved the imagery and overall content of the poem. You gave me a very clear image in my head... I've done that before, forming wax "petals" from a candle.
One of these days, you are going to slip, and I'm going to be able to give you a non-5-star rating... I'm still waiting...
Oh... and looking up Psyche helped.
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"Give me a heart as big as the universe." -St. Frances Cabrini
This was fantastic. You wrote it in a very clear, direct style, and it gave me a lot to think about, in relation to my own writing. I liked the fact that you gave examples, too... it made your suggestions less abstract, and also showed the readers that you're using those suggestions yourself.
I think this should be featured in the Poetry newsletter, if it hasn't been already...
As always, take care.
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"Give me a heart as big as the universe." -St. Frances Cabrini
I liked this... the tone and strong words, and the underlying sense of peace and conviction, reminded me of a psalm.
Just a few comments... In the last line of the first stanza, I think corrupitble is misspelled.
Also, in a poem I think italics would work better than all capitals. I think the comment, "read with strenghth", is unneccesary, and takes away from the poem... if you have those phrases in italics (or bold) then the emphasis is implied.
I'm not sure if you're familiar with WritingML? (More help can be found under "Authors Tools") But to make something italic, you type, for instance...
{i}italic{/i} to make it italic
or {b}bold{/b} to make it bold.
Those are just my suggestions, though. I liked the poem... I hope to see more of your work soon.
Shape-poems can be at risk of cheesiness (the ones I have attempted certainly have been!) but the hourglass shape of this one is perfect. The poem itself was, of course, wonderful... as usual.
Good job with this! You gave it an ancient, traditional tone... perfect for the subject. The rhyming and imagery worked well, too.
The only problems I saw were places where you were sort of inconsistant with the rest of the poem... for instance:
Prepare ye selves and listen
‘cause soon the goddess comes
The word 'cause is more of a "modern" contraction; it didn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. I would suggest exchanging it for the word "for", instead... it remains consistant with the meaning and number of syllables.
Also, the inclusion of the "But..." before the last two stanzas grated on me a little, too. I don't think it adds anything to the poem, and just jars the rythym. I'd suggest taking that out. But, that's just personal opinion.
Once again, good job... and I hope you keep writing. Good luck in the contest!
This was a good structured poem. You did a nice job of making the rhyme scheme work, without sounding forced.... always impressive to me, since I'm someone who can't rhyme worth beans!
The only stanza that sort of rubbed me the wrong way was:
I try to relinquish
the hearts made of hay
that stay in my hands
and won't fly away.
The last line's rhyme seemed a bit forced... or maybe it's just the fact that the sentence seems to contradict itself? The painted scarecrows and heart of hay were really unique metaphors; I liked it... but the image of hearts of hay immediately brings to mind the image of something light, brief, and cheap. When you go on to say that they "stay in my hands / and won't fly away", it doesn't make sense... it would seem that is giving them unnecessary weight. Hay tends to blow all over the place. If that wasn't what you were aiming for, maybe you could try "won't stay" instead. Or I guess you could even clarify it by describing hay clinging to clothes or something? The image of "staying" and not "flying away" seems to be something far heavier.
Well... hope you didn't mind this long and probably irrelevant review...
This was very good. I really like the imagery, and the way the poem flows. It's short, sweet, and full of genuine emotion.
My only suggestion... and I had to read through it four times to find this!... would be to change the wording in the second line. "In form and in silence" doesn't flow as well, with the rest of the poem... it might work better if you just wrote "In form and silence". (This might be especially helpful, in a line which is already lengthened/complicated by adding the "and when" at the end...)
I think of you often now in form and silence, and when
I awake to the brief, green day
where a hill of sage somehow
That is only a suggestion, however! Other than that... perfect.
Wow! I wish I could hear this as a song! I really like your imagery in the fourth stanza especially:
I can't see the stars in this city of lights.
I can't see the trees in this land of concrete.
I hold in my heart those memorable nights.
When in your arms, I felt so complete.
That sounds like it would make a good chorus.
My only comment would be that I don't think you need the comma in this line:
"awaiting the day, I come back to you"
Wow. This was some of the most incredible writing I have ever read (and I have read a lot.) It is my favorite kind of prose... it held all the gritty real details that made the pictures and emotions form in my mind as I read, but it flowed like poetry.
I also liked how you started each "section" of this story with the road signs. It really made me feel like I was the one driving along, watching the road go by and feeling the memories and emotions play in my head.
I mostly read (and write) poetry on this site... but this was enough to make me venture more often into the world of prose.
Thank you for sharing this. And welcome to my list of favorite authors.
This was very depressing but I can relate, because one of my best friends was self-destructive and spent some time in the hospital. I myself am still dealing with clinical depression.
You wrote this as someone who has the "inside view" on these experiences. But some of it was not quite believable. Shawn just didn't seem real. There are lots of harsh people like that in the world, but I think adding a little humanity to him would have made him more believable. As you mentioned in the story, Shawn is a very unstable, jealous character. As such, maybe he should be more manipulative, not just plain evil. For instance, if he was trying to keep his wife from Julia, why did he yell at Julia when she was around? Obviously that was just going to make Karen side with her daughter. And to have him less blantantly a jerk would make more sense, since Karen married him and hadn't divorced him yet. People don't marry openly violent and evil people.
The plot was good, if dark, but the characters need some work and depth. Keep writing!
~Ophelia~
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Overall I liked this very much... thank you so much for stopping to post in my forum! 
This was funny... keep writing. 
In any case, I enjoyed it.... keep writing!
