I have a soft spot for philosophical pieces. I, personally, write lot of philosophical pieces. I think you have some key points, but you have nothing to back them up. When you write something philosophical you need to back up your beliefs and opinions. I would edit this, make it longer and just work on it. Keep writing and I look forward to your next piece.
Let me say that I would give it 5 out of 5 if it wasn't theologically incorrect. Overall a well written piece, but it need some more fleshing out before I would call it finished. That is why this site is here, we review and you fix. Personally I like the darkness involved, but you need to have some kind of hope unless you want to attract the gothic crowd only. If you want to attract a variety of crowds (which you should) I would add some kind of hope. Also this is not for ages 13+ this is for a more adult crowd. If you were aiming for that then keep it if not I would water it down. I know that I am looking for a more mature audience so I understand if you were intending for the older crowd. I really enjoyed it, keep writing! I would suggest reviewing others, I could use some reviews myself =P
Okay let me start with the negative and work my way to the positive. First the story got lost in the detail. I would prefer a story with a clear plot and no detail than a beautifully detailed writing with no clear plot. With that said your detail was extraordinary and well thought, but you as a writer need to play with your descriptions a little more. Some of the detail was lost within your comparisons. This is obviously well written and deserves the rating I gave it. for your next writing you should play around with it, read it over and over until you have a piece that you are proud of. I am lazy and need to start doing this so you are not the only one who does this or you may actually review your writing. Either way just play around with your writings so they are as clear as your idea. Keep writing and review. The more you read and write the better your skill will become.
I want you to take this idea and just write about it. It is a very good idea, but add to it. A writer first starts with an idea and works on it until they have their finished product. Take time and just write upon this idea.
I liked this story. As a guy going into college this fall I know and understand these feelings. With that said there are a few things you are missing. The feeling of missing people you love is present, but not to the extent you have wrote. As an incoming college freshman we feel more excited and adventurous. We are free to choose our own future and we love it! We are so used to being told what to do that we look forward to the freedom college has to offer. We also feel excited to meet new people and make life long friends. I am not dismissing what you wrote, but we feel more optimistic than nostalgic. Other than that it is a well written story, Please keep writing! I will look forward to read more of your writings.
I liked how you showed how the victim feels. It could be easily applicable to someone who is having an internal conflict if you switched a few of the messages around. other than that it is a well thought out piece (coming from a guy who doesn't care for poetry).
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