I read this story twice.
I think that its solid writing, little to no errors ("that level of important..." Paragraph 2)
I'm still trying to figure out what the story means, I suppose it was left to interpretation, so this is how I interpreted it.
Two young professional women living in a city up north, on cares about politics and is somewhat thoughtful but does less than she feels like she could, the other cares very little, it seems, about anything but herself, politics being just another medium through which she can display herself. They are not mean or nice, not Heros or Villains, though maybe one or the other is more this or more that. But they are a small sample of a much larger picture, where some support ending the war, some don't care, but no one is getting involved in it at the expense of their career. The fact is that we are all crossing through that picket line, through this mob of opinion that makes up contemporary history and as it is, current events. The cut is significant in that it makes the picket line real, palpable, and really reaches into her life, much deeper than expected. Now, like i said, it is on a smaller scale, but on a larger scale, a story about how you got blood on your shirt could be a symbol for the much larger things we did not realize we would lose when we got into all this stuff we did think we cared about.
I could be way off.
But i liked it. You get props.
But since I said all this i should also mention (in the way of serious criticism) that i felt the voice pulled me out when you mentioned the Yahoo news page and "Words i thought i'd never hear." seemed to slow things down. The first one is crucial and should stay to give depth to the level of interest in politics she has, but could be reworked for smoothness.
The second thing ("words i thought i'd never hear") is not very relevant and could probably be removed with out a scar.
But overall, i really think you should work on longer pieces, let the reader get in there a while. Id say you have a steady enough writing hand that technique isn't going to be your biggest concern, but crafting a engaging story that sustains the reader for a longer period of time.
The flow is really smooth. Its a pretty clear character you've painted and the whole thing functions realistically. Its a window into a vivid world. Albeit, a somewhat small window. The gnome thing threw me off but not as much as the incest. Its a bit offensive, but all the realism that the offensiveness brings is hampered by the fact that its a fantasy princess, when it could much more invokingly be a suburban trust-fund teenager. The whole family is here ready for use, but there really isn't anything more to chew on than their introduction. If you could paint up an entire story as smooth and clean as this i think you might have something on your hands. If its some sort of fan-fiction I'm totally out of the loop and will probably give you undue credit. Barring anything else I'd say that this is a good piece that is pretty polished. If your not going to expand it then its probably time to begin something bigger and better. Either way, "write on"
Very colorful and vivid. Some lines were musical, the sun and the husband metaphor is really good: "That warmth, similar to those of the glaring sun, embraced me in silence."
I think re-reading it might reveal a few typos
All and all it was really well crafted but see if you can take that somewhere. I like the story, but its not really a story at all-- more of a moment described. Wouldn't it be fun to watch all that vibrance dance around a plot arc?
OK. I dont know much about poetry, but i found this by clicking "random review" (does that say 2002?)
Before i could even begin reviewing this i was forced to look up "free verse" poetry as well as the word "vignette"-- i still dont know what a "Queen Anne table" is
the story is short but its magnetic in its relativity. Everyone knows what the woman is feeling when she looks at that letter. The poem as well, they were a great way to show how well you do both of them. I don't have much critique really.
Its a good idea about the dogs, it exposes how diarming we find animal lovers.
I think that the story is paced well,
I was honed in on your action, but certian cliches broke it up a bit, like "Howling wind" or "deafening silence,"
The home alone thriller thing was working but i felt like the plot itself could have used something. I was well aware of who the killer was very early on.
Maybe you could introduce another element that throws us off of the neighboor.
I think that "shed some light on the problem" is a little cliche, but that stuff was minimal. I think it felt more like a psychological thriller, shades of "The Tell-tale Heart," but in a modern kind of "aw shucks" way. I liked it, but i felt like the best parts were when he was losing his mind over this little tiny detail, like a hum, and you can totally see yourself in his doing that. Your right there with him The stuff about the dad and the landlord was great, but the best things in the story arnt comedy, they are the more spooky aspects. Like the cut on his head, i was grossed out my your description of that.
Gross as it can be but really nice, i like how you brought it all around. The attack in the bakery makes it seem like the horrible murders could really happen. But when you said keren was laying on her side, i thought you were saying she was in the bed, you might want to clarify that. Im out of it though so it could just be me. Then the "body mangle" from the dream becomes his reality! Whoa... But i thought it might seem more natural if you have the cop specify that it was that particular macabre scene that Grant did not want to see in the last line. After all, what are the odds the ol' captian has ever seen anything like that before? Also, im really impressed with some of the thoughtful details in there like the different cake flavors. But Im not sure its possible for a coroner to determine that a persons eyesight was regained at a particular time.
OK man, the story is wanting in a few key areas.
1 I get it that he is interested in the stars- but why?
Is he a Star Trek nut? Was there an incident when he was younger that prophisized an extraterestrial return?
2 Who is the friend, and where the F did that dog just come from?
I want to know more about "Eddie" and the best way to show me that is by allowing him to interact with other characters. I felt like you were summarizing a much deeper more personal story instead of getting just telling it.
Your setting is a small town. What do the little podunks think of a space rock landing in thier town? Small town people are known best for their gossip, and having them talk can be a great way to slip in info about your characters with out the reader feeling like hes being hand fed.
Other characters are great but you shouldnt bring them into the story just as they are about to play a crusial role in it. The dog is a key element in your final scene, but hes only introduced as he is running into the street. Plus how does this dude just happen to know a physicist? Is that one of his Treky pals? Or is that the friend from the bar? It cant just b there because its convient to your plot, it should seem natural...
Keep at it bro! Its a great base, just a little rough around the edges.
Its good writing. Im envious of the way you decribe settings; you had me at " mud-blackened rainwater."
That was a constant in your story, but setting and word choice wont carry it alone.
Dont be pretentious, if you use too many clever sentances they lose their effectiveness.
It felt more like back story than a story.
Why couldnt the characters go in and find out their own "innermost desires?"
They just shrug and go home?
Screw that man, get in there and make them talk! Mabie they get togeather and decide to kill the gimp-dude and keep the "Room" all for themselves?
Or the gimp just brought them there to feed them to "the room?"
Or mabie they really came to destroy it for good and theres already someone coming out of there that can now do somthing totally evil and screwed up and they have to stop him.
Shruging and going home is a metaphor for what you did with this potentially cool story.
If you can write diolouge as well as you decribe abandoned buildings your in really good shape.
I hope I did this right, its my first review.
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