Though I've been a member of writing.com for over 15 years, I only check in every now and then. So I am just seeing this beautiful poem of yours today. It speaks volumes to me as one who has a child gone before me. Thank you.
I applaud your effort. I'm not quite sure you made it, but it's an interesting stab at it. I, of course, am no expert on the form having never (as I recall) attempted it myself. I do think it feels a little rough and would rather the "flow" of the lines (as read out loud) be smoother and more palatable.
All-in-all, however, good work, I would say. :)
Since I am unfamiliar, could you enlighten me as to whether or not there is a rhythm or count that is to be maintained in the lines of this form? What other criteria must be met for a piece to be considered a "Pantoum"?
What a heart-rending story! Assuming it is you that this happened to, I must say that you are very brave by telling it here to strangers you've never met. I can never imagine living in such fear and surviving the horrendous acts that took place. As far as comforting you, there is really nothing I can say except that I am so glad, for your sake, that you are finally in a situation where you feel safe. The sad part is that in order for you to feel safe you must extricate yourself from society. It is understandable, but still sad. Please know that there are those of us out here who hold you and others like you in our prayers and thoughts.
As far as your writing goes, there are a few grammatical errors, places where commas should or should not be, too many spaces, misuse of line returns, but the story flows well and is told in an easy-to-follow manner that takes one in and opens up the door on a world some of us have never encountered.
I look forward to seeing this story continued, for I think it can serve not only as therapy for you (if this is truly a personal story, which I believe it must be), but also because of what it brings to light for people like me who have been much more lucky in our lives.
Though I do believe that your intent to honor those who fought, and are fighting, this year's California fires is admirable, I'm afraid that your poem lacks a "poetic" soul.
I was told by a respected professor and poet long ago that a successful poem does not 'name' feelings, but should, instead evoke the feelings the poet wishes to convey. Your poem "Wildfires" read more like a summary or essay on what took place, and is still taking place, in California instead of making me feel the heat, the intensity, the horror of the situation and the bravery and heroics of those putting themselves at risk to defeat the raging inferno.
I would like to see you rework this piece with an eye toward evoking the feeling of the situation, rather than naming or telling what is going on.
I must say I agree with another comment here posted that perhaps more breaks in the line arrangement might clarify and give more impact.
That said, there are a couple of things I'd rethink:
1. In the second stanza, the word is "toward" ... there is no "s" on the end.
2. In the second stanza, perhaps "... an angel, fallen from heaven above ..."
Fallen angel somehow conjures up a negative image.
3. In the fourth stanza, "breathe" should be "breath"
4. There are other little things, some punctuation corrections, for instance.
It's a beautiful statement you make in this poem. I think I would prefer it to be less filled with words like "greatness," "wonder," "awe," and the others you use. I think I'd rather FEEL the greatness, wonder, awe. If there were someway you can rewrite to evoke the feeling rather than naming the feeling, I believe I would be more pulled in to the mood you are trying to convey.
Hmmm ... Must say this one surprised me in a good way. I guess I wasn't expecting such a unique delivery. I'm not quite sure I understand it all, but I'm going to be reading this one for a while. That's what I like about it. You've described what IS ... what IS HAPPENING ... without spelling it out for us. You've given us something to chew on and digest.
Why only the 4.5 rating? Well ... like I said ... I'm going to be re-reading it. If I need to, I'll respond again.
Your lullaby has a very different feel from my own. However, I was captured by the haunting quality of your piece. Very well done.
I did have a couple of problems, but maybe I'm just not reading it right ... for instance, the fourth stanza doesn't quite work for me. I not sure why the speaker would want to keep the loved one a secret.
Our best plans
Are not perfect.
So stay still Love
And be my secret.
Also, the cadence of the fifth stanza didn't feel comfortable to me ... a little "choppy" compared to the rest of the poem.
Life will not
Educate you.
Its irony
Won't decieve you too.
The sadness of the piece hits hard in the last stanza. A very moving work. Thanks for letting me read.
Smiles,
doohap
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