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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/panchamk
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29 Public Reviews Given
415 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Terrific!

I'm surprised and glad that someone got away from all that begin with a bang blah-blah crap and began with something akin to a case study. Like a sober crypt keeper who doesn't cackle his garish cackle all the way through the introduction.

Further, I'm glad you didn't waste my time explaining too much or giving too much detail.

Now both these are great beginner tips for writers, but it's just as important to know when not to use something.

Great work here. :)

---Chimp.
2
2
Review of What Is It?  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Okay. First, what's good: your language. Your grammar. You stay true to your first person, present tense voice and never deviate from it. You also don't fall prey to the big pitfall of first person, which is writing as if you were watching yourself from the outside.

The bad: this is not a horror story. You could classify this one as comedy, and that'd work better.

Also, this kind of story, where there's a supposed boogeyman outside that door and then it only turns out to be some trivial thing (like a dog) has been done so many times it's almost like a deus ex machina. You'd do well to stay away from it in the future.

And here's something I learned from my own mistakes as a horror writing newbie: good horror is not just about a scary scene. A good story still has to be the backbone behind all that scare. I only mean to help you here, not discourage.

Write on,
---Chimp. *Smile*
3
3
Rated: E | (3.5)
A fairly good story.

Here are a few things you might want to change:

Paragraph 1: 4 ½. Make this four and a half; that is, words instead of numbers. Most writers follow this rule upto one hundred.

Paragraph 2: A woman was walking along side the road in the same direction as we were going. Her back was toward us and she was on the other side. No need for the second sentence, since she's walking in the same direction as you are, it's natural that her back's towards you.

Paragraph 3: I finished driving my mother home and seen saw her safely inside.

...I seen saw I was approaching...

Unless the "seen" is something your character writes, change it to saw.

Paragraph 6: All of a sudden she screamed at me again and brought this her bony skeleton hand up and put it on my window.

Paragraph 8: He walked to the rear of my mini van and screamed at that thing himself. It ignored him, so he took a couple more steps toward it and screamed at it again. The thing stopped and turned toward him. It screamed at him like it did at me. He turned on a flashlight he was carrying, (I didn’t even notice it before). He shined it into the thing’s face and he about fell to the ground running back to his truck. This paragraph sounds too... impersonal. Like a newspaper reporter reporting fact. Tell us what the driver screamed at the thing. Tell/show us how eerie it all looked in the headlights/backlights. A few details--the right ones--can greatly enhance this bit; especially since this is the central point of the story.

Paragraph 9: I didn't stop until I got home. I ran into the house and told my Husband. Hmmm, the narrator is female. Now I highly doubt a woman stopping in the middle to pick up a stranger.

Also, meeting the ghost/thing on a road has been done before. Check Stephen King's Riding The Bullet. The reason why I'm telling you this is that maybe you can take what you have written, twist it, write something new.

Keep writing,
---Chimp. *Smile*
4
4
Rated: E | (5.0)
I wanna say a lot, but if I say all I have to say this year, what will I say next year? How about the year after that? And after that? Ten years later?

Fifty years later?

Man, I don't think we have fifty different synonyms for "congratulations" in English, do we?

*Smile*

I love this place.

And I love the work you guys do.

Take good care,
---Chimp. *Smile*
5
5
Review of Little Green Men  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
There are two versions of kiddy tales. One stinks, the other doesn't.

This one doesn't.

The dullest thing you could do to a kid is tell him a bad tale, dull his expectations, reinforce his belief that adults are basically boring people who make it their personal business to dumb everything down.

This one doesn't do any of the above.

And that's all you need to know, I think.

Take care,
---Chimp. *Smile*

PS: Where'd the half-star go? This one could be funnier. Really, really funnier.
6
6
Rated: E | (5.0)
You know what? As of this moment I wish I could strip off my profane narrative voice and write a beautiful children's tale like this one.

There's so much to say about this tale, but I think I won't, because just like this tale, it's always best to keep things simple. *Smile*

The story's got the kind of feel that reminds you of cozying up to your mother's side at bedtime, reminds you of one of those foregone fairy tales that somehow everyone forgets after the becoming called adolescence.

Your style is nice too, not too sugary-sweet, not too garrish (you know, the one which sounds like, "Yeah, I'm a grown up telling a kiddy tale. So what else did ya expect, fellas?").

No grammar/spelling dings, no mechanics dings, nothing! *Smile*

I'm a guy, a snotty little guy, and let me tell you: boys act like they don't like fairy tales all the time. And if I was seven right now, I'd proclaim that I liked this tale. Even though I'd probably know that the girls would tease me about being such a sissy for the next three weeks or so. *Smile*

Good work here,
---Chimp. *Smile*

PS: Do keep writing. *Smile*
7
7
Rated: E | (5.0)
Go W.com!

Excellent, in-your-face, not too patronizing.

You've stated the facts as they are.

And the last line ("Shame on you"), is in my (and I suspect every other W.com member's) opinion, very rightly deserved. *Smile*

Take care,
---Chimp. *Smile*
8
8
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Yeehaaw. If there's one thing I like more than a good horror story, it's a LONG horror story.

This one's good. Great. And it's long. Perfect. *Smile*

Nice execution (pun intended, seriously *Smile* ), the story moves on smoothly, with just a little hiccup somewhere in the middle (it's not really a hiccup, more like a soft belch. But that's just me. Transitions almost always knock me down. *Smile* )

Nice language. And special commendation for the accents. Reminds me a bit of John Steinbeck.

Ha, and the ending, I consider WHAT WENT BEFORE as the point where the ending actually starts. And it's played out beautifully.

Great work overall.

A few grammatical dings did pop up though, but guessing from the rest of the story, those must be deliberate. So I ignored them.

Keep up the good work,

take care,
Pan, the Blabbering Chimp. *Smile*
9
9
Review of Tuesday's Storm  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Yeah. Now that's something every reader wants to say when he finishes reading a story. "Yeah, that was a good one."

Solid writing all around.

I personally don't like emotional stories. They drip too much mush for me. But here it's controlled and tight. No sloppy LOVELOVELOVE attitude. I like that.

But mostly it's about the way you told the story. A good story told in a good way makes it something more than a good story; stories that somehow push that 4.5 to 5 stars. I think the blinking 5 stars up above will tell you what I think of the story anyway. *Smile*

Keep writing,
and congrats; you got published. I think I can see a glimpse over here about why you got published. *Smile*
Pan, the humble chimp. *Smile*
10
10
Rated: E | (4.0)
Oh yes... I had a pet once... the cutest little puppy you've ever seen... he came in when I was 4.

And for ten long, happy years, we were the bestest of chums... of course, ten years later, when I turned 14, Mr. God decided that he needed my doggy more than I did, so he called him up to heaven.

Oh yes, there is nothing like the feeling you get when you come home and he comes running down towards you, nuzzling himself in your hands... Man, you reminded me of all those things... I hope he's up there, watching me, smiling and barking like he used to...


Some thing went wrong with your word-wrap here, I think, you might want to re-edit it... only about the left-half of the page has text, and the other doesn't... I guess you've already come to know about that from the 5+ reviews you've got, but just in case all of them we're like me, and got lost into nostalgia, or went and cuddled up tot heir pet, and forgot to tell you about your word-wrap thingy, I'm telling you again *Smile*

I wish pets could read... no, on the other hand, if they could read, and did read this, they'd realize that they were making a big mistake by giving their love to stupid creatures like us, and stop doing so *Smile*

Anyways, I hope you get the word-wrapping right [and if this is a problem, try to use a different text-editor... many free ones are available on the net]

Great article,
panchamk, the humble chimp *Smile*
11
11
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Haha!! Just look at the amount of mayhem a couple of really talented people can create!

This is hysterical, no, seriously, I haven't seen a campfire like this

Hmmm, the campfire is surprisingly clean of spelling mistakes [something that creeps in every campfire, especially since the entry-maker cannot edit] and that's a big plus!!!

And you've just got to love something with squirrels in it! *Smile*

Great work here,
panchamk, the chimp who's laughing like a blithering idiot *Smile*
12
12
Review of Into the Light  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Oh my! Wonderful ending! Hit me like a... um... train *Smile*

I like the way you paced this one. Slow to begin with, and then revealing more and more as I read along...

The editing seems tight, and the spellings are okay, I just found one mispelled word :

The cold moring [morning] [it's the first italicisized paragraph after the normal ones]

other than that, okay.

now, looking at the rating : there's some stuff here about lap dancers and..um... other graphical pictures of nudity etc etc... so why not make this an 'X'? 'R' is not wrong, but 'X' seems appropriate for this *Smile*

Nothing else is wrong according to me though. And given a choice, I'd put this one as an example of correct pacing in a story.

The last five lines... really, brilliant execution [literally, and figuratively *Smile* ]

Keep up such good work,
panchamk, the humble chimp *Smile*
13
13
Review of Cargo  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Okay, the story is kinda scary, in a campy way. If you were trying to do a take on the Ramsey brother's classic 'evil dead' series... right on! *Smile*

the editing looks okay, although I would suggest one thing : add a one line space between paragraphs. I know, that's not the way a printed story should be, but on a computer monitor, spacing things out makes them a little more readable [at least this little chimpanzee thinks so *Smile* ]

in a horror story, pace is of utmost importance [I know, because I never seem to find the right pace when I write *Smile* ], and always, the end has to leave you absolutely stunned. In this case, the pace is wavery... try to keep things cool in the start, and pick up some pace along the way...

The other thing, that left me blank, were the characters. I'm tempted to say a corny line here : the characters had no character! *Smile*

they look lifeless, like card-board cutouts. The first thing any story-writer must remember, is describing how a character looks. Does the girl have blond hair? black? how tall? pretty? ulgy? so so? hows the guy? tall? fat? slobby? bald? ...

there are some opportunities in a short story, where the writer should tell all the above... in your case, I think you could tell her about Wendy's appearance in paragrpah 3, right after the 'supernatural gift'

and you could tell us more about Frank in para 4, or 7.

next, show us how the character feels... tell us that their eyes grow wide with horror when they see the man-beast... tell us how the sweat drips down on Wendy's clothes.... etc etc... in short, here's a line that many people at writing.com told me :

show, don't tell

that is, you must show us the story, like a movie... not tell it.

of course, I'm not the best writer around here, in fact,whatever suggestions I've given you, were the same suggestions that others gave me when I first joined writing.com [it was called stories.com back then *Smile* ]

oh, and my first stories were really really bad compared to what you've written! so don't feel so bad about the rating! and if it helps any, hit me in the head! *Smile*

You've got a nice imagination... all you need is a little writing experience.... keep writing, keep writing like there's no other thing in the world... make a journal here at writing.com, and write in it. write anything that comes to your mind. That's the only way to make sure your hands keep up with the pace at which your imaginative mind thinks!


and keep smiling [and two stars isn't all that bad, my first piece got ONE star. *Smile* ]

and do not hesitate to ask me if you've got any questions.. oh, and if you want to find out more about writing skills and such, visit the port of a moderator... most of them have nice articles on writing skills. for example, you can visit this one for nice articles on writing.com and writing itself:
Pita Author Icon

and of course, visit
The StoryMistress Author Icon and The StoryMaster Author Icon for more information about writing.com *Smile*

keep writing,
panchamk, the humble chimp *Smile*
[and if you're still angry, well, hit me again *Smile* ]
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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/panchamk