Okay, the story is kinda scary, in a campy way. If you were trying to do a take on the Ramsey brother's classic 'evil dead' series... right on!
the editing looks okay, although I would suggest one thing : add a one line space between paragraphs. I know, that's not the way a printed story should be, but on a computer monitor, spacing things out makes them a little more readable [at least this little chimpanzee thinks so ]
in a horror story, pace is of utmost importance [I know, because I never seem to find the right pace when I write ], and always, the end has to leave you absolutely stunned. In this case, the pace is wavery... try to keep things cool in the start, and pick up some pace along the way...
The other thing, that left me blank, were the characters. I'm tempted to say a corny line here : the characters had no character!
they look lifeless, like card-board cutouts. The first thing any story-writer must remember, is describing how a character looks. Does the girl have blond hair? black? how tall? pretty? ulgy? so so? hows the guy? tall? fat? slobby? bald? ...
there are some opportunities in a short story, where the writer should tell all the above... in your case, I think you could tell her about Wendy's appearance in paragrpah 3, right after the 'supernatural gift'
and you could tell us more about Frank in para 4, or 7.
next, show us how the character feels... tell us that their eyes grow wide with horror when they see the man-beast... tell us how the sweat drips down on Wendy's clothes.... etc etc... in short, here's a line that many people at writing.com told me :
show, don't tell
that is, you must show us the story, like a movie... not tell it.
of course, I'm not the best writer around here, in fact,whatever suggestions I've given you, were the same suggestions that others gave me when I first joined writing.com [it was called stories.com back then ]
oh, and my first stories were really really bad compared to what you've written! so don't feel so bad about the rating! and if it helps any, hit me in the head!
You've got a nice imagination... all you need is a little writing experience.... keep writing, keep writing like there's no other thing in the world... make a journal here at writing.com, and write in it. write anything that comes to your mind. That's the only way to make sure your hands keep up with the pace at which your imaginative mind thinks!
and keep smiling [and two stars isn't all that bad, my first piece got ONE star. ]
and do not hesitate to ask me if you've got any questions.. oh, and if you want to find out more about writing skills and such, visit the port of a moderator... most of them have nice articles on writing skills. for example, you can visit this one for nice articles on writing.com and writing itself:
Pita
and of course, visit
The StoryWitchress and The ScaryMaster for more information about writing.com
keep writing,
panchamk, the humble chimp
[and if you're still angry, well, hit me again ] |
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