I wish I understood what this poem was about. At first I thought it might be about training for some sport, but when I got to the end I wasn't sure. Take one on the chin? The meaning is moving in one ear or out the other, or in the case the eyes, I suppose. Care to explain? This seems like a solid poem, I just don't get it.
The only thing that made me cringe was the rhyming of wishin' with chin.
This is just great. I didn't see the ending coming, and it was an interesting twist. How did you come up with the idea?
I think the thing I like the most is that the poem switches points of view after every verse. I love this when it happens in books, but this is the first time that I've seen it in a poem.
Excellent haiku
I need to be careful though
Else I'll respond the same way
Joking aside, I counted the syllables and noticed my first statement had five and couldn't resist. The haiku really is good. The language used in the last line, the most important line, is elegant.
I can't help but feel that you've worked a little on this piece, but its hard to over look some of the choices you've made with it. Please, please use full words. The "cuz" and "u"s really detract from this more than anything else, even more than the capitalization issues.
Interesting piece that you have here. I think some editing could really spice this piece up, though. I didn't notice much during the first half, but the second half seemed a bit sloppy. There are typos abounding. Several times you use "cute" instead of "cut". You miss some punctuation as well near the end that could make the piece seem much more professional. The biggest oddity, in my eyes, is the indenting. You start out doing it, then it stops.
I certainly didn't see that ending coming, and was surprised and delighted by it. In such a short amount of time you successfully delivered quite a package, a full story in its own without leaving much of anything for want. I thoroughly enjoyed that the tension started high without the need for any build up, and by the end, everything settled down.
While I wasn't reading with an incredibly critical eye, I did notice a couple of minor mistakes and one thing that I did not like.
Paragraph 1 - "When he came home that night, his buttoned grey jacket a size too big and tall showing only a bit of the top of his snow-white shirt and his dark navy pants would suggest- when added to the serious look on his face and business-like demeanor- that he had just been to work." : This sentence just feels too long. I'd recommend breaking it up somehow, because by the time I reached the end, I had forgotten what the sentence was supposed to be about and had to re-read a several times in order to understand that his clothing suggested that he had just been to work. This one is my personal gripe.
Paragraph 4 - "To his was a wall..." : You forgot to mention which direction the wall was in. I assume the left.
Paragraph 7 - "And I will admit, that his one mistake.." : I am making an educated guess here, but I assume "his" should be "this" because there was no "he" otherwise mentioned.
At first, I really enjoyed this piece! However, the lines 5-7 broke the structure of this piece with a couple of hard to understand and difficult to read sentences. Then, the remaining portions of this poem felt like a rap. It felt like it had background music, which didn't match the beginning at all. If this was the intent, by all means keep it like that! It just feels like three different types of writing merged into one short piece.
This is an excellent piece and put quite a few things into the light for me. I, for one, took a little something away from the repetition section.
I did notice two typos, but I wasn't reviewing for an edit, so there may be others. Since you're obviously wanting to improve on it, I'll lay the ones out for you that I noticed.
Paragraph 3, last sentence... " when reviewing...' is not begun with a capital letter.
Paragraph 4, third to last sentence... "...adverbs as any word ending in -ly; here are adverbs..." I do believe that should be "there are adverbs" as there are no adverbs listed that fail to end in -ly.
I'm not sure why, but I never thought about the process someone editing has to go through for you. I'll keep it in mind should I request the scrutiny my work will one day require. Make my own edits first; make someone's work easier.
Just the name of the title made me feel as if I was reading a humorous story the entire time, and was sent through a loop around every turn when, to my surprise, the humor was not there. It was a treat. I felt the tension build as the story went on, though there was a weird sensation when the feeling lapsed at the "party" scene. It built up until then and kind of floundered out for a second before picking back up.
As the story continued, the tension raised. It never broke a very high point, but it continued to raise more and more during the entire "Fun House" scene until the final moment of escape. I did feel a little disappointed by the ending, though. With all that tension building up, it never gave a snapping point where you have to let out that breath of air.
I felt that, for such a short story, you get a great amount of insight about the characters. It's nice when such a short story manages to give characters a history that still feels rich and manages to develop character personalities.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pandareverb
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 6:14am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
