You need to not rush the bee part so quickly into the drama over the loss of your brother. YOu wil forget the real purpose of why you are in the country side. Say something like, I was thinking about my daft brother and all his stupid things he did as i accidently rubbed against a tree. This tree belonged to a massive nest of bees. Ecetra......
A good start to a story that could take several different turns.
This was great! Are you a teenage boy? That is who i thought of as the criminal? Definatly male anyway, but women are carnivores too, dont forget..
Great write..
I liked the flow and the unadulterated messiness of the subject.
Very first sentence does not work. The grammer is completly off. Most of the story your grammer is off actually, to be blunt. I had a hard time understanding this story.
YOur characters were believable but i was still confused about the plot.
Spelling: realize, color
conclusion: A new reality? Not sure?
Sorry to say but your story needs a lot of work to be complete. Get a friend to edit it for you....good luck with your writing!
Very nice flow, some grammer errors but a nice poem. If only we could be fixed by others? Unfortunatly we have to love ourselves in order to love another....
I cant really critique this considering its your opinion. I do believe you have some intersting things here. If only one third of the world lived by those ten rules, we would all be in a better place. YOu have been gifted verbally and mentally, use that to your advantage. Thank you for your thoughts for i will try and apply them to my life.
I know the feeling. I love the ending with the lifeless bird. She took your flight, your freedom and sucked the life out of you. That is what i got from your raw emotions. Very well done.
Just a few grammer errors but a good plot and story so far. A romance novel i would like to read. I really liked the prologue, it was funny and kept me interested to start the book.
I loved this short little story of love in the slow lane...It really was brilliantly thought through clear to the end. Loved it!
I freaking hate Chicago traffic, just a side note.
We all have those dreams where we wake up and go damn.... YOurs sounded funny in the way you wrote it. You had a few mistakes as far as where periods and colons should go. This piece is almost like you wrote it at 2 am. being honest here..
sickening sweet! First of all the fist paragraph take out (of all that) at the end.You'll always be the greatest love I have ever had.
The last paragraph first sentance. It is not written correctly.
I feel so lucky to finally be able to love you. I have wanted to love you for so love.
just my suggestion
beautiful song. I really liked the words and the reference to flowers and being born anew. Unfortunetly in order to write this i fear you have been broken but newly healed. Good luck.
ok the story as a whole i would give it a 4and a half. But the beginning i so ruff i almost didnt continue to read it. The first like four little paragraphs are just plain. But the rest of the story and dialogue begin to unfold and it is interesting and has a lot of color to it. YOu had me imagining my own angel scene in my head. Good job.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/parisprincess
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 5:10am on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
