I would like to donate 50,000 GPs to RAOK. You guys helped me with an upgraded membership. Now that my daughter bought me a year upgraded membership I don't need the points that I have, but someone else might. Keep up the awesome work.
This was a deep and meaningful piece of writing. Thank you for sharing it. The depth of a wife's love and desperation to not lose her husband and the father of her child is very clear. The symbolism of the the doe and fawn, alone without a stag, is an emotional reminder that life is often fleeting, but it does go on. Two mothers share a deep moment, so fragile, it's almost heartbreaking. As both a wife and a mother, I could almost feel the painful pushing to run faster. To break free and escape the pain of something yet to come. Well done.
I hear you, I feel where you are coming from, you are NOT ALONE. This seems to be a growing sentiment these days, trying to keep up with the next door neighbors, the next generation, or the next big thing. It's exhausting. The world we live in these days seems to be selling the idea that if you are not a perfect plastic person, you are worthless.
As an artist, I tend to see the world through a different set of eyes. I prefer the faces with character, the eyes that show a life lived and struggled through. The smile lines and frown lines, tell me this is a person who has seen things. Not just some generic plastic person who can easily be swapped out for the one next to them with little or no notice.
You are BEAUTIFUL just the way you are! Hang in there.
This is, in my opinion, an excellent poem. Sadly I am one who does not know or understand all of the technical details of writing poetry, so I can not comment on that. However, I can comment on what I liked about it.
It is a beautiful poem about faith, that does not beat you over the head with religious connotations, or blindly state that all will be well if you have enough faith.
It shows the writers struggle with life, (making the writer more human and connectable; at least to me). It shows how faith HELPS you get through, not solves all of your problems.
It is both uplifting and supporting, while remaining down to earth. Well done.
Well written piece. I found it absolutely adorable, it pulled me in from the start. I really enjoyed the way you moved back and fourth between the two perspectives. Great tone and humor.
Well written and captivating. I was caught from the very beginning. Your use of descriptive language painted such a vivid picture for me that I felt as if I could see the story unfolding. I could almost smell the dust, with just a hint of moisture to it. Creepy, and enthralling; I want so much to know what happens next. I do hope you continue this story. Keep up the amazing writing.
As an organic gardener, I really enjoyed this story. It's so true that to have healthy soil you need all of the little worms and micro organisms. That being said, I did notice some technical issues. Your story begins with a very long run on sentence that made it a bit hard to follow at first, you might consider revising for proper punctuation.
Also, there are a few places where you used the wrong version of a word or two, example. This is another run on sentence by the way, and some of words you used should be corrected.
"Enjoy yourselves while you can because tomorrow is another work day of cleaning up the soil and giving back the nutrients which is need for the trees and plants on the planet."
You may wish to revise this in this way. "Enjoy yourselves while you can. Tomorrow is another day of cleaning and replenishing the nutrients the soil needs to sustain life on this planet."
Anyway, this is just a suggestion. The writing is yours, so do as you please. Even with the technical issues; I still enjoyed this story. Keep on writing.
I loved this retelling of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Well and brilliantly done. So loving the comment on Walt of the purple aura only talking to mice, I laughed so hard I nearly snorted. If this had been a T.V. show, I would have watched the heck out of it.
Can't say I found anything in need of improvement, keep on writing with joy and laughter.
Drawing on many aspects of childhood fear of the dark, and of the unknown, and tossing in a touch of the supernatural. The story is relatable in many ways. That being said, I did notice a few technical issues with some of the wording here and there. Those things can be easily fixed though. However, I really didn't find the story much more than a little bit tense, it never really caught me or creeped me out much.
I found it a bit predictable, and a little cliche. Not that there's anything wrong with that. A predictable cliche can still be very creepy when done well. In fact a really well done horror story can show you exactly where it's headed and still give you a nasty case of the shivers.
The problem for me is inside the tunnel. Everything that happens in there could easily be written off as a little boys imagination. The sound of splashing footsteps following could simply be echoes of his own footsteps. The way that you describe the thing that grabs him could be written off as an old tangle of dead tree roots that had broken through the ground in years past.
If you decide to revise this story at any point, you might want to consider adding more of the senses than just sight, (or the lack thereof) and sound.
Take us into the tunnel with the child, let us feel our hearts pounding along with his. Show us what there is to fear in the dark. Don't just tell us there is a boogie man in there, show us by the hairs standing up on the back of our necks and the sweat of our palms. Let us smell the scent of decaying leaves and rotting garbage. Let us feel that there is something truly unnatural after us.
Involve all of our senses so that we get a more visceral feel for what is going on.
I understand that you may have wanted to leave some things vague on purpose so the reader is left wondering, but to me it felt just sort of incomplete. There is no sense of closure. Did the children outside hear their friend screaming, or did he just vanish without a sound? Was the tunnel closed due to a missing child? The thing in the dark could have just casually been going the same way, if there was anything really there at all. Maybe it was all just a big misunderstanding.
Anyway, that's enough rambling from me. This is all just my opinion, and I hope you are not discouraged by it. Keep writting, it's the only way we get better.
I loved the flow and topic of this poem. It evokes a sense of longing for the warmth and ease of summer days to last forever. Or at least for a little while longer. I can almost picture warm evenings on a porch, barbecues with friends and family. Well done, keep on writing.
You have a knack for filling my head with questions. I found this story to be both sad and poignant. It left me wondering who they are and what led them to this end, and why they felt this "their last day together" was the the best day of their lives. May I ask what the motivation of this story was?
Oh so many questions... again, well written. Your story draws me in and holds me enthralled. I was on the edge of my seat, waiting and wanting to know more. I do hope that you continue with this story. I would greatly like to know more about the protagonist and the world in which he lives.
Interesting and well written. It left me curious for more of the story, as teasers go, it does its job well. I find myself wondering who he is, how he came to know of this relic, what it is, and where it came from. So many more questions, well done. I look forward to finding out more eventually.
I wasn't entirely sure what this poem was about. A young man's birthday, his love of grapefruit, or just who he was. Some of the words used, caused more than a bit of confusion for me. I don't know what a "Yuckster" is, and am truly confused at the usage of the word "toot" in reference to (I'm assuming) his mouth? Could use more than a bit of clarification, but this is just my opinion.
Okay, well done. Bravo! That creeped me out completely. The only area where it needs a bit of work is the transition from loving husband to creeping stalker. I feel it could be a bit smoother, but it still gets your message across very well.
Rather fun old fashioned style fairytale. I really enjoyed the twist of the lazy man becoming a good troll husband. Nice analogy of "be yourself, and love may still find a way".
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