Hey, Evil, how are ya? This is, like, my first review of yours on wrting.com. Don't you feel special? Overall, this wasn't bad. I have a few comments below, but I think my main problem with it was the story itself. I know you have a theme that dreams can become reality, but, as a story, it doesn't really work because it's predictable, and the dream pretty much told us the ending, so why continue to read to the ending? True, the dream was vague and didn't really give away the ending, but....I really don't want to read a story where a guy dreams that he dies, then does just that at the end. It's why I hated the movie "Premonition" with Sandra Bullock. I loved it until the end. She does all this suff to save her husband, then, when all her efforts are in vain anyway, I felt like I wasted my time. Anyways, I hope I'm not being too harsh, but, I know for me, I always appreciate honest criticism because it only improves my writing.
William sat up in bed with a start.
Hmmmmm, not really crazy about this beginning, but I think it's necessary because of the dream. So, I suggest to choose a stronger verb instead of "sat." Maybe he jolted awake, or something.
The nightmare had been so real. He reached over to the nightstand and turned on the bed side lamp which radiated a soft glow about the small flat he called home.
This second sentence is a little wordy. You don't need "to the nightstand" because it will be assumed that the lamp will be on a nightstand if he's in bed. I don't like "about the small flat he called home" either. Learn to play with words, to condence, to maximize their power. Here's an example: "He reached over and turned on the lamp, illuminating him in a soft glow."
He was chilled as a breeze blew in from his open window and wafted over the his sweaty exposed skin.
Delete "the" before "his."
Why am I having this dream over and over? he thought to himself.
Again, delete "to himself." If he's thinking, it's obviously "to himself."
The nightmare was always the same. William was sitting on a beach, enjoying his vacation when suddenly there was a terrible rumbling. The air itself vibrated with power as everything grew a bright white. William found that he couldn't move at all in this whiteness, he was trapped.
Either replace that last comma with a period and start a new sentence or with a semi-colon.
It was like being buried alive.
Nice line.
William shuddered as reality came back and the fright faded. He got up and put his Yale sweats on and went to his computer.
Nice detail about the Yale sweats. Think about another verb that is stronger than "went." Skipped? Walked? Shuffled? I suggest "shuffled" since he just got up, and is probably still half asleep. Verbs are vivid, and will implant the action directly in a reader's mind.
He checked his email and itinerary. He was speaking at a conference in Aspen tomorrow evening. He almost forgot.
How could he almost forget? It seems pretty important to me.
William had turned down a real vacation with Jasmine in Hawaii to take this job.
Wow, is he dedicated! <G>
He knew that this conference might just make his newly forged career in Radical Exotic Matter Experimentation. It was a budding science founded on the theory that it may be possible to create new, exotic matter from anti-matter.
Wow, cool.
This conference would introduce that into the scientific community as a new, accepted field of research. He got up and took a shower and tried to go back to sleep; attempting to get a few more hours before having to go to the airport and prepare for his lecture.
This semi-colon is used wrong. When you attempt to join one sentence together with a semi-colon, that last sentence has to be a complete sentence. What would work better is if you deleted the semi-colon and just replaced that with "and." Of course, then it would be "attempted."
.........
William's plane landed on time in Denver and he departed the plane then went down to the shuttle area where a van waited for him from the Aspen Convention Center.
Commas after Denver and plane.
He got in and they drove the snowy roads out of Denver.
William looked at his screen as he finished up some last minute notes. He turned and gazed out the window, thinking about how he wished he could be on the beach with Jasmine, spending much needed time together. Suddenly, a low rumbling was making itself heard over the sound of the chains on the road and roaring of the motor making it's way up the mountain.
Er...this last sentence needs seriously reworked. First of all, you have "making" twice, in close proximity to each other. Second, your verbs are passive, with "was making." You don't need "making its way up the mountain." It makes your sentence wordy and cumbersome. If you wanted to give the visual of this van traveling up the mountain, then do it in some other place(and, besides, you have that visual later anyways), maybe in some scene setting as he is looking out the window, enjoying the snowy backdrop. Here's an example of what I I might do to make the sentence more exciting. "Then, over the engine's roar and the crunching of tire chains on packed snow, he heard a low rumbling, that was getting louder with each pasing second." I'm not totally satisfied with that sentence, and, if this was my story, I would work with it some more, but I think you get the idea.
William scanned the area but found no reason for the sound that now grew louder, almost deafening.
Nice sentence!
“What the hell?” The Driver said
Driver is not capitalized here.
as he leaned forward to get a better view up the side of the mountain they were navigating. “Holy Shit!”
LOL.
The Van rocked violently and flipped as the exterior grew bright white. Windows breaking and snow flying about the cabin soon became a murderous spinning and flipping until finally the vehicle came to rest.
THis is almost excellent. Try this: Windows exploded and snow flew about the cabin, which soon became a murderous spinning and flipping until, finally, the vehicle came to rest.
But, yeah, other than that, I dug the action!
Nursing a small head wound, William sat up as best he could and surveyed the situation. The Driver was dead, his body like a rag doll in a landfill.
Nice simile.
No light at all except for the random, chaotic flickering of the dome light. He looked to the windows and saw that they were packed with snow on the outside, some of it coming in in the places where the window broke.
Again, look to where you can cut. I do not think you need "where the windows broke." It would be obvious that that is the only way the snow can start coming in.
The cold was seeping in as well, chilling him.
Great sentence!
He thought back to the dream and wondered why he didn't go to Hawaii.
LOL! Poor guy.
As the severity of the predicament revealed itself, William screamed until there was no more voice or air and then slumped to the floor of the van.
Downer, but I suppose that was your point! I hope I helped. Take care. |
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