Hey, Raven, nice little story you have here. I enjoyed it, though I felt my mind skipping ahead at a couple of points, so it might need to be shortened, or streamlined. For example the sections where she goes back to work and then makes her way to the park was too long, too fatty. Also, you never explained how the old man was wearing a watch that had been in the case for three months, so you might need to explain that.
Also, the "said" dialogue attrubution is fine. You don't need every synonym in the book for "said." Why? Because "said" is an invisible word, and many people will read that without taking special notice of it, which is what you want. This integrates people fully into the story, and, thus, they don't concentrate on the words you're using. Only use a synonym for said if the occassion calls for it, where said just won't do the action justice. For instance, if he's whispering, then say that--that's different than said. But you don't have to have a character reply, tell, agree, respond all over the place. Ask anyone who has been writing a while, and they'll tell you the same thing.
Along the same lines, you can't really breathe or laugh a line of dialogue. And I'll point those out below. But, overall, good writing. If you work on those two things, with the dialogue I just mentioned, this would be ten times better.
I pushed my way through the doors, a little bit annoyed.
Overall, ok beginning. The object of a beginning is to hook your readers, and this isn't a strong enough hook. If I wasn't reading this for review, I don't know if I would continue reading; it just doesn't grab me.
On my lunch break, already ten minutes gone getting to this place.
ER...this isn't a complete sentence. You have no subject. You have nouns, but no subject. EX: "I was on my lunch break, which was already gone getting to this place" would be a vast improvement.
I felt it was worth the wasted time though; Stanley’s is my favorite place to eat. Stanley‘s is a Polish restaurant, rumored to have the best stuffed cabbages this side of Lansing. To me, it is a place to get a good meal for under four dollars. All their luncheon specials include soup, sandwich and fries; and if you only drink water, you can have a fantastic meal and get out the door for five dollars, tip and all.
Great paragraph here, actually. I can see what kind of restaurant this is. Advice, fwiw, look for places to use contractions--"it is" could be "it's."
I had taken second lunch shift, which started around one thirty, and Stanley’s was usually half empty at that time. Today was different. Every table was occupied and several people were waiting in line, looking annoyed.
I suggest another adjective, other than "annoyed", because when your character came through the doors, they were annoyed, too.
Lenore, my favorite waitress, stood behind the register looking frazzled. Lenore glanced in my direction, blew a wisp of hair from her forehead and shrugged.
I like the blowing the wisp bit!
I nodded in understanding, and sat down on the bench by the door. The bench was an old church pew, and the back was poker straight. Beside me sat an elderly man, looking a little depressed.
Nice.
The cluster of people waiting in line was a group of co workers. They would require at least four tables, and only one was available; a rickety two person booth in the corner.
Wrong use for a semi-colon. That sentence after the semi-colon has to be a complete sentence. Maybe use a dash.
A greasy looking middle aged waitress strolled over and asked me if I would like the booth.
What about the people already in line? Did she skip past all those people and why? You just said your co-workers would require at least two tables, and only one was available.
The elderly man, who had been there long before I arrived, looked up at the pudgy woman, then bowed his head. I was annoyed at the women’s ignorance, and turned to the gentleman beside me.
“Sir, would you mind joining me for lunch?”
He looked up. His eyes were green, and he smelled of Old Spice. “That would be wonderful,” he replied.
Again, just "said" would be fine.
“It’s not often you get to witness random acts of kindness!” he sighed, his voice shaking . He looked out the window.
You can't really sigh a line of dialogue. “It’s not often you get to witness random acts of kindness!” he said, sighing.
I felt a sting behind my eyes, and fought it off. He turned to face me again, and offered his gnarled hand.
“I’m Gordon Simmons, how do you do?” he smiled.
Again, you can't smile a line of dialogue. “I’m Gordon Simmons, how do you do?” he said, smiling.
“My name is Merry,” I shook his hand heartily.
NO comma there, but a period.
“Mary, that is a pretty name!”
I blushed. “Why thank you, but my name is spelled M E R R Y, like Merry Christmas; my parents had a sense of humor, I guess.”
Ok, so how did she guess that he was thinking her name was spelled "Mary?" Think about this logically; in normal conversation, those two words sound alike, so there would be no way in heck she could guess at his misinterpretation, especially since he never spelled it for her to clarify. Want to fx it? Here's one solution:
I blushed. “Why thank you, but my parents had a sense of humor."
Gordon raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
"Well, it's not spelled "M-a-r-y", as you'd guess. It's selled M-e-r-r-y, as in Merry Christmas."
We went to the soup counter together, he procured the bean and bacon, and I had my favorite, dill pickle soup. I sat back down, and we ate in silence for a few minutes.
Now, that comma after "together" can be replaced by a semi-colon.
“Have you lived here all your life?” I finally broke the silence.
You need "said" as a dialogue tag here. “Have you lived here all your life?” I said, finally breaking the silence.
Or you could do this: I finally broke the silence. "Have you lived here all your life?"
“No, I used to live in Clarenceville, but after my wife died, I moved in with my daughter.” he said the last word as if he had a mouthful of nettles.
Capitalize "he."
Greasy Mc Attitude brought our lunches and roughly sat them down in front of us. I glanced at my cell phone. Time must have slowed down, I mused. Less than five minutes had lapsed since I last checked.
I like how she keeps checking her watch--very realistic.
“But enough about me, tell me a little about yourself, Merry.” he spoke my name like a song.
Again, capitalize "he"
I felt the clinch in my heart again. It was almost like I was attracted to this elderly gentleman. Granted, he was nice looking for eighty-four, but he was old enough to be my grandfather! I shook my head and tried to chase the thought from my mind.
Ewwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Merry?” he sang as I came out of my stupor.
“Sorry, I was lost in thought there,” I blushed.
You can't blush a line of dialogue. Either “Sorry, I was lost in thought there,” I said, blushing.
OR:
I blushed. “Sorry, I was lost in thought there."
“Yes, you looked like you were playing left field there for a minute!”
“So sorry, yes, about myself…” I began, telling him my life story.
Yes, you don't need "telling him my life story." What comes after is obvious she's doing just that.
Gordon wasn’t snoring yet, so I felt it was safe to continue.
Heh. I love this line.
“I met a man in my early twenties, and got married though I was not in love. I viewed the marriage as a way out of my mundane existence. We tried for several years to have a child, unsuccessfully. The infertility strain, and the fact I wasn’t truly in love with him finally broke the fragile fiber of our marriage. My husband met a woman at work, had an affair, and to coin a phrase, the rest is history”
"broke the fragile fiber of our marriage" isn't natural speech. In prose, it's good, but, in dialogue, not so much. No one really talks like that.
“Yes we do,” he whispered
See? Now, whispered is good.
“Gee, I have no clue,” I truthfully replied.
You can get rid of "I truthfully replied" and not lose anything. Think of dialogue as a tennis match, a vollying back and forth of exchanges. The faster it is, the more exciting it is. With two characters, it's easy to do. When more than two are involved, it's a little harder. When you want to put dialogue attributions after every line of dialogue, it slows down the pace.
I looked at our table, and my lunch was neatly boxed up, his place was cleaned, and a twenty dollar bill was tucked under my water glass. I noticed my phone, I had merely five minutes to cash out and get back to work. Crap, I’m going to be late, I thought to myself.
Ged rid of "to myself." When she's thinking, it's obvious that it's "to herself."
I was ten minutes late for work. Caren, my supervisor glared at me as I punched in. God I hated that woman. I sat down at my desk, signed in to my workstation and began chipping away at the poorly written newsletter that Caren gave me to edit. This woman is in charge, and she can’t even spell, I cursed under my breath as I clicked away at my keyboard. My resentment for this woman grew stronger with each key stroke. I looked up and saw Caren drilling into me with her icy stare. She had heard me.
Well, if it was dilaogue spoken aloud to where her superviser can hear her, it needs to be in dialogue quotes. And I'm sorry, but it doesn't feel right to me that she would get fired just for mouthing a bad comment, maybe written up.
After half an hour and one packet of travel tissue, the tears subsided. I thought about my time with that wonderful elderly man and unzipped my purse. I found the watch and held it, drawing strength from it. The face was still black. I put the watch on my wrist. I had to pull the leather strap to the smallest hole, but the watch fit nicely, and felt smooth and heavy against my skin. I rubbed my thumb over the blank dial, and it began to glow. Curious, I continued to caress the dial, and it glowed brighter, as if the warmth of my skin was bringing it back to life. I started feeling the prickly sensation that I experienced in the restaurant. It traveled up my arm, to my shoulders, and finally to my head, where my mind went blessedly blank.
This is a great paragraph. Nice description of the watch!
There was sun on my face. Strong, searing afternoon sun. I awoke and sat up in the gazebo. I was a little disoriented, because everything was blurry. I realized my glasses must have fallen off while I slept. I felt around for them, finally finding the scratched metal eyewear. I stood up, stretched my arms and turned around. My jaw unhinged. The park was no longer the garish blue and yellow monstrosity that was forced on our small town two years ago. Where the park once lived, there was an open field. Comforting sounds and smells washed over me, and I closed my eyes, to take it all in. This was a wonderful dream, and I knew if I kept my eyes closed too long, I would awake, and reality would dig into me with its untrimmed claws.
Again, nice paragraph.
I opened my eyes and the field was still there.
I felt someone take my hand. I smelled Old Spice.
I looked down and he was gazing up at me. Dark curls framed his face, and his eyes were green as willow leaves.
“You made it!” he said.
How is he gazing UP at her when she's sitting?
Overall, nice story, a story about a man and a woman being brought together through a watch--poignnant, timely. I enjoyed reading it.
|
|