Hey, buddy. I like that you chose to write about a dragon. This is a pretty fresh take on having a dragon in writing. Usually, the dragon is menacing. You made this dragon feel like a dog, and I really enjoyed that. The fact that he may set fire to the trees is hilarious to me. He may even blow fire at you! Yet, you will love having a pet dragon. Try to make the dialogue less choppy, and edit out some of the diction. I'm not particularly a fan of words like "HmMm" being used. Especially with a random "M" capitalized.
This was fun to read! I write a lot of deep stuff, and my mind gets real heavy. This was refreshing. Thank you for that. It is fun to test versatility with a bit of philosophy or maybe love letters with deep philosophy incorporated in them. Can you tell I like the deep writing? I digress. I really enjoyed reading this though. This isn't even my genre of choice and I liked it. You must be doing something right.
I want to say this is about Jesus Christ. It is nicely done. You give a great point when you show the sacrifice this person made for you. Who are any of us to reject a love that strong? Even for the non-christian crowd reviewing this, this could be a person that takes a beating to keep you safe. May I ask who this was about? Or am I supposed to wonder? Nice job.
Right in the feels as the kids say. Missing a few words in certain places. I like your wording. It enhanced it in a good way. Wasn't beating my head in with big fancy words, but you let me know you're capable of heightened vocabulary.
I have to say well done. Not only did you write this really well, but you identified a major problem with people and dating! That problem the we try to pick a single trait to identify a person with. It's every trait that makes a person who they are. Now on to the subject matter. "What if I told you love can be deathly unkind?" That's my favorite line next to "Ten years is forever yet it vanishes so fast." A lot of lines in this are good. I sense that the person you love might be a problem for you. "Just a shimmer of light signaling that you might care" is the line that really says "He's perfect, but almost too perfect." His laugh and smile convinces you to stay but you know it could be fake. 5/5
I like to think the shadow was all her depression manifested into a "body." The fight showed her depression fighting against her joy. You found a way to show an internal conflict in an external fashion. It was fun to read too! Some people try to over reach their boundaries, but you pulled it off. Also, great visual were thrown everywhere. I have a few curiosities that don't count as problems. Is the Wind the voice of God or is it her conscience? Or is the Wind an actual being in this world? Great story. 4.5/5
You like to use the colors. The visuals are nice. I would like to think the title "Toymaker" refers to how you can create whatever you want. I like it. Makes me imagine! One small problem, and I'm seriously nitpicking. Why not explain who is with you in Utopia? They have a lot to do with the essence of a perfect society. 4.5/5
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/paulmann406
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 6:59am on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "