I love your imagery in this piece It's especially nice to read something I can relate to geographically
The only thing I found a little confusing, which is an easy fix, was that it's quite condensed, spacially. Sometimes you write thoughts, which just carry on from your main writing, and it's hard to switch. Try spreading out your work a little, so that it doesn't run on too much.
example:
About smoko time on many a summer afternoon, cumulonimbus plays “let’s soak the picnic”. The higher the accumulating vapours rise the bigger the drops of rain. Hail can shred the day. Does as Flo emerges from the sea, runs exhilarated for the hut, finds Eddy picking out a warm riff on his guitar. Ah what better sound than the snare-drum of ice at terminal velocity shattering on a tin roof to make up to. Out to? Hendrix, live at the Albert hall, London England, February 24th 1969, that precise moment; though they can't hear him for the hail.
Nor can they hear her father’s landrover.
Lawrence Redfern’s stature causes him to stoop through most doorways and it is this motion combined with a habit of kicking the toe of his boots on any step he passes over, whether it be church, homestead or hut, that allows the young lovers to disengage and almost, almost, cover up. Looks pass like those of sentries from opposing forces surprised by the others proximity. Nothing could be uttered. Something had strayed where it did not belong and the door closes quietly, almost apologetically on it. The hail stops and a square of sun comes blasting golden through the tiny window to the mattress on the floor.
Revised puncuation and spacially:
About smoko time on many a summer afternoon, cumulonimbus plays 'let’s soak the picnic'. The higher the accumulating vapours rise the bigger the drops of rain.
Hail can shred the day; does as Flo emerges from the sea, runs exhilarated for the hut, finds Eddy picking out a warm riff on his guitar.
Ah, what better sound than the snare-drum of ice at terminal velocity, shattering on a tin roof to make up to. Out to?
Hendrix, live at the Albert hall, London England, February 24th 1969, that precise moment; though they can't hear him for the hail.
Nor can they hear her father’s landrover.
Lawrence Redfern’s stature causes him to stoop through most doorways, and it is this motion combined with a habit of kicking the toe of his boots on any step he passes over, whether it be church, homestead or hut, that allows the young lovers to disengage and almost, almost, cover up.
Looks pass like those of sentries from opposing forces surprised by the other's proximity. Nothing could be uttered. Something had strayed where it did not belong and the door closes quietly, almost apologetically on it.
The hail stops and a square of sun comes blasting golden through the tiny window to the mattress on the floor.
You'll find this quite common on WDC, that the writing is more spread out, making it easier to read, especially on the screen. It just makes it more 'inviting' and easier to read through.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
https://www.bluewoodpublishing.com
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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