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68 Public Reviews Given
181 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Oh, I like the sense of humour in your writing that shows through here. You are very entertaining *Smile*

I'm impressed by your punctuation in your dialogue, as a lot of people struggle with this. Just make sure you watch whether you use commas or fullstops based on what follows:

‘’I think your evil laugh is sexy.’’ he said serious.
should be:
"I think your evil laugh is sexy," he said seriously.

Notice that it should be a comma here, and also it should be 'seriously', not 'serious'.

‘’Takuya!’’ Kanon cried relieved.
Needs a comma after 'cried'

Use your exclamation marks sparingly when you can. I assume you're using them here for impact and excitement, but you don't need to use them all the time. I would cut at least half of them out.

An enjoyable read all the same!

Write on,

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Review of Summer Snow  Open in new Window.
Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow, I really like this *Smile*

You've used some great imagery throughout:
I watched the pristine flakes delicately kiss the angel’s honey-colored skin and collect on his eyelashes and in the tousled waves of his long hair.

Light from the moon outside was streaming in through the large stained glass window just to the right, tinting his deeply tan, faintly luminous skin with muted jewel-tones, making him look even more exotically-colored than he already was.

There are a few issues with tense which could be corrected:

The angel seized hold of me, folding me in his arms and kissed me deeply.
should be:
The angel seized hold of me, folding me in his arms and kissinged me deeply.
Any tense changes within a sentence need to be seperated by punctuation. The first part is correct, you have 'seized' and 'folding' seperated by a comma. Then 'folding' and 'kissed' are in the same part of the sentence, so need to be kept consistent. Alternatively you could change 'folding' to 'folded' and it would still read correctly:
The angel seized hold of me, folded me in his arms and kissed me deeply.
However, it doesn't sound as good this way *Smile*

At the beginning, when you first mentioned your Angel, I was very curious for some backstory. While I appreciate it wasn't important for this story, it did leave me wondering how they had come to be together in the first place. Maybe there's a prequel? *Bigsmile*

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Review of Salvation  Open in new Window.
Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I have to admit that when you submitted a chapter into the Bogie and Bacall Competition, I was very skeptical *Smile*

However, the chapter is very well-written and can be read as a stand-alone piece.

You drop the reader straight into action, which is very descriptive and contains some great imagery.

I'm still not a big fan of stories written in the first person, but you have managed well here, to sustain the story from the POV of our main character. Given that I haven't read the previous chapters, I was curious as to who this person was though, and didn't even find out her name until well into the piece. This is what happens in first person though, and given that it's a chapter, rather than the beginning of a story, it can be excused *Smile* I would assume that in the beginning you were quick to explain who was telling the story.

I have to say, you have made me very curious to read the rest of the book, which has got to be good!

There are some minor spelling and grammatical mistakes throughout, but nothing you wouldn't pick up on editing.

Well done!

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Review of THE OSMOTIC FLOOR  Open in new Window.
Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I love your imagery in this piece *Smile* It's especially nice to read something I can relate to geographically *Wink*

The only thing I found a little confusing, which is an easy fix, was that it's quite condensed, spacially. Sometimes you write thoughts, which just carry on from your main writing, and it's hard to switch. Try spreading out your work a little, so that it doesn't run on too much.

example:

About smoko time on many a summer afternoon, cumulonimbus plays “let’s soak the picnic”. The higher the accumulating vapours rise the bigger the drops of rain. Hail can shred the day. Does as Flo emerges from the sea, runs exhilarated for the hut, finds Eddy picking out a warm riff on his guitar. Ah what better sound than the snare-drum of ice at terminal velocity shattering on a tin roof to make up to. Out to? Hendrix, live at the Albert hall, London England, February 24th 1969, that precise moment; though they can't hear him for the hail.
Nor can they hear her father’s landrover.
Lawrence Redfern’s stature causes him to stoop through most doorways and it is this motion combined with a habit of kicking the toe of his boots on any step he passes over, whether it be church, homestead or hut, that allows the young lovers to disengage and almost, almost, cover up. Looks pass like those of sentries from opposing forces surprised by the others proximity. Nothing could be uttered. Something had strayed where it did not belong and the door closes quietly, almost apologetically on it. The hail stops and a square of sun comes blasting golden through the tiny window to the mattress on the floor.

Revised puncuation and spacially:

About smoko time on many a summer afternoon, cumulonimbus plays 'let’s soak the picnic'. The higher the accumulating vapours rise the bigger the drops of rain.

Hail can shred the day; does as Flo emerges from the sea, runs exhilarated for the hut, finds Eddy picking out a warm riff on his guitar.

Ah, what better sound than the snare-drum of ice at terminal velocity, shattering on a tin roof to make up to. Out to?

Hendrix, live at the Albert hall, London England, February 24th 1969, that precise moment; though they can't hear him for the hail.

Nor can they hear her father’s landrover.

Lawrence Redfern’s stature causes him to stoop through most doorways, and it is this motion combined with a habit of kicking the toe of his boots on any step he passes over, whether it be church, homestead or hut, that allows the young lovers to disengage and almost, almost, cover up.

Looks pass like those of sentries from opposing forces surprised by the other's proximity. Nothing could be uttered. Something had strayed where it did not belong and the door closes quietly, almost apologetically on it.

The hail stops and a square of sun comes blasting golden through the tiny window to the mattress on the floor.

You'll find this quite common on WDC, that the writing is more spread out, making it easier to read, especially on the screen. It just makes it more 'inviting' and easier to read through.

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Review of Blood Red Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Oh, I thoroughly enjoyed this *Smile*

I liked the surprise at the end, which was just that.

Your plot, characters and imagery are very detailed and believeable.

There are very few grammatical mistakes here too, which is a nice relief! *Cool*

I like how you've told this from the POV of the vampire and the way he instantly falls for this beautiful human woman he was going to devour.

Just one hint that I would give, and that is to try not to start a sentence with the word 'and'. It's generally a joining word within a sentence. Normally taking it out still leaves the sentence in the correct form.

And I know, with each new beat of my heart, it beats for her and her alone.

And I know, with each new beat of my heart, it beats for her and her alone.

Or you could replace it with another word, like 'besides' or 'however'

I'm still a little 'on the fence' about the last paragraph. Don't get me wrong, it's a perfectly acceptable ending, but I did find it a little cliche in comparison to the rest of your story. I suspect you may have ended it this way to give it a truely romantic ending, but I don't think it needs it. You've already portrayed his feelings for the woman through your story. Just my opinion! *Wink*


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Review of The Valley  Open in new Window.
Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Another great story *Smile*

I felt it lacked a little in the middle, when Ellis decided to stay for a few months. I was quite strange that you didn't put any of his thoughts into this. It would have been good to get some explanation....like, he needed a place to lay low anyway, so he decided to stay for a while to see what happened. Another few sentences would have just linked this nicely.

In this respect it felt a little rushed. I know most of your work is short stories, and often we are restricted to a word count, so I understand how this happens. I'd really like to see you write something longer...just let it happen as it flows out.

A modern short story for publication can be as long as 10,000 words.

I'd like to see something you've written expanded to it's full potential! *Bigsmile*

You have a nice, engaging style.

Write on!

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Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Oh, this is really sad!

I was hoping that at the end you'd say that he released his song for Beth and she found her way back to him...

But I do like how you've finished it here...there's an unknown element to the story. I reader could take whatever they wanted from it. I'll just keep my happy ending, hoping that oneday this will happen for Jesse! *Smile*

Just a few tips:

When you write thoughts, you should italicise them to make it clear to the reader of the switch:

But why? Why did it change?

These are the characters thoughts, so highlight them in italics.

Impatient for the performance to end, he so wanted to take her in his arms, aching with the desire to cradle her next to his heart and keep her there for all eternity.

Although not technically incorrect, you should keep your verbs in correct context when you can. Here you have 'wanted' and then 'aching' one past and one present. Even though it is seperated with a comma, I felt it would be better if you split it into two complete sentences:

Impatient for the performance to end, he so wanted to take her in his arms. He ached with the a desire to cradle her next to his heart and keep her there for all eternity.

Overall, a nice 'slice of life' story. You captured his pain and sorrow very nicely in few words. Some nice imagery there with the mountains and surroundings.

Write on!

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Review of Don't Tempt Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love the imagery in this story...starting right from the beginning when those cookies appear! *Smile*

I would have liked to keep reading, although I appreciate you were probably restricted by a word count here.

Any thoughts on lengthening the end so we find out how they got their revenge on the girls?

It was the only thing I could comment on in the negative about this story. I just felt like it kind of stopped dead. I think something like this idea could be lengthened into a longer work.

I like the way you write...everything flows nicely, with great descriptions that are not overkill. It gives the reader just enough information to form their own pictures.

Nice.

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Review of In His Eyes  Open in new Window.
Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like how you take this story from Christopher and Nelly meeting at school while young, through to their college years. It shows how their relationship shifts and changes with them as they grow together.

I liked Christopher's reference to Nelly 'drawing her words', I thought it was very nice *Smile*

Your dialogue is good, and it flows well, but just watch your punctuation. Punctuation in dialogue has many rules, which took me a while to get my head around, but once you do it all makes sense. Take the time to investigate the rules of punctuation through dialogue...there are plenty of good references on the internet that will help. A few tips and examples:

When you use numbers in dialogue, don't write the number, spell it out:

"I want you guys to write all the words on this page 5 times each."

should be

"I want you guys to write all the words on this page five times each."

"Oh, I am." Christopher showed. "I can talk and write at the same time. My mom said I'm good at multitasking." He bragged.

The first part is correct. Dialogue with an action following should be closed with a fullstop. However the second part should be finished with a comma and then a small 'h' for the 'He'.

"Get up Nelly."

Always seperate a name in dialogue with a comma.

"Get up, Nelly."

Another example is

"Good Morning baby doll." Her dad answered.

should be

"Good Morning, baby doll," her dad answered.

In this case, the baby doll replaces her name, so it should be treated the same way, seperated by a comma, and another comma at the end, rather than a fullstop, because you've followed with 'her dad answered'.

"Mom did you dry my blue dress?" Nelly asked yelling across the hallway.

should be

"Mom, did you dry my blue dress?" Nelly asked, yelling across the hallway.

I was a little confused at the end of the story, because you have a couple of references to Christopher saying "It looks like..." and then you reveal that he's blind. I'm wondering if you put these in to sway the reader away from the obvious, but it doesn't work. You need to change this. Don't treat the reader like they're stupid. These mistakes will be picked up when reading. Just because the plot is obvious to you, and may or may not be obvious to the reader, don't try to hide what you're writing. Just let it flow. The fact that you've put him in a wheelchair is enough just to add that confusion of what's wrong with him. Leave it at that.

Overall I liked the story *Smile* There are a few spelling mistakes and punctuation/grammar points that could be changed, but with a little tightening it could really shine.

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Review of Play- prologue  Open in new Window.
Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I think this is a great beginning to a story *Smile*

The first lines grabs the reader and draws you in, followed by some nice imagery and character setting.

There are a few minor editing points, which I won't go into, because I don't think it's necessary...very fine details if you want to be nitpicky!

From a readers perspective I would definitely come back to check out the rest of the story. The writing is direct, without being too 'tell and not show'.

Good work. *Thumbsup*

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Review of The Question  Open in new Window.
Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like this. I like the way you've made a simple gesture, something that is done everyday, into this wonderful drama. It's broken up by his thoughts of what he'd really like to say...what he's really thinking and that's great. Why don't more people say what it really on their mind? *Wink*

Great work.

Just a few corrections there:

The regretful optimism he'd thrived on for so long melted away with each and every shaky step
I didn't think 'regretful' and 'optimism' should go together. They just sounded wrong. I understand what you're trying to say, but it just didn't seem like the two words went together.

So it seems that the only thing moving him forward was not the blissful yearning that had betrayed him so, but fear.
This should be 'seemed' rather than 'seems' to keep the tense correct.

Six little words, that would have to manage.
I didn't think 'manage' was the right word here...maybe 'suffice' or something similar.

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Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Mel, Sorry for taking so long to get this review done. *Smile* I've started by using the template for reviewing from the novel forums. It helps to know where to start!

Title of Book: 24 Hours to Nowhere
Chapter #:One
Author: Mel Grant

Setting: Review what you saw, smelt, tasted, heard and touched in the chapter. Was one of the senses missing? Did you know exactly what the author wished to describe? Was it overkill?
Mostly the setting was the railway station, in some form or another. Lots of description here, probably too much in fact. Don't 'spell' too much out, you want your reader to draw their own conclusions. You should 'show' rather than 'tell'.

Characters: Discuss the different characters in the chapter, what they looked like, how they acted and how you reacted to them! Did something seem out of place? Let the author know!
Our main character is George. He finds himself at a railway station, with no recollection of who he is or how he got there. From the way the Porter greets him we know he's a gentleman and obviously well to do considering the gold watch. He's very confused as he tries to piece together who he is and what he's supposed to be doing.

Referencing: This pertains to the little details in a story...is the Southerner saying "ya'll" or "Hey You!". What is more appropriate? Does the mansion contain a stuffy butler or a long-haired hippy serving up a bit of hummus to guests? This is where you discuss how correct the props and background are to the setting. Dialogue, too!
Referencing is very good. Everything is appropriate to the setting like the footbridge across the tracks, the steam trains, squeaking trolleys on the platforms etc.
Dialogue could possibly do with some work. It's written very 'properly' rather than loosely like dialogue should be. ie you should say "I'm" instead of "I am"

Plot: Review what the plot accomplished during the chapter. Even if you think you know what happened, that might not be what the author intended. Did it flow properly? Did something happen that made no sense?
The plot leaves the reader with a lot of questions which is always good to keep the reader wanting to carry on. The chapter flowed extremely slowly, with a lot of descriptives that didn't move the story forward. This is quite off putting. I would have liked this to be punchier and faster moving. I think you can move the plot a lot faster by 'tightening' a lot of the laugauge. My main concern is that you would lose the readers interest before they even get to the good stuff.

Grammar: Review any problematic, repeating areas here. Look for correct technical usage of sentence structure, spelling, overuse of passive voice, a clear voice of the author and proper formatting.

I'm a true believer in the words 'less is more'. A lot of your sentences can be shortened to add impact or to move the plot a lot faster. Some of the sentences are completely unnecessary. Don't treat your reader like they can't think for themselves, ie:

The stranger made his way to a foot bridge that spanned the platforms; this would allow him to reach the station exit on the other side of the tracks

You're kind of spelling out the obvious in the last part of the sentence.

Looking down at his watch again only two minutes had elapsed, he noticed he was a man of good taste for the watch was a solid gold Rolex.

This is very long winded and the reader will assume he's a man of good taste if you just say it was a gold Rolex. The following sentence says the same thing in much fewer words:

A glance at his gold Rolex told him that only two minutes had passed.

The reader will pick up the 'plant' about the gold Rolex and determine for themselves that he's well off. Here I've just cut 28 words down to 14. You could safely halve most of the sentences you have in this chapter, while adding pace and impact.

Watch your POV throughout the chapter. It should all be from the point of view of your main character:

The porter removed his cap and scratched the back of his head as he contemplated the best route for George to take, then announced...

This is the porter's point of view, not George's. I would just have:

The porter removed his cap and scratched the back of his head as he contemplated the best route for George to take, then announced...

You use a lot of dialogue tags that are unnecessary. The reader will know who's talking a lot of the time. You can take some of these out.

ie: "In what way do I appear to be different?" George was curious to know.

We know he's curious to know, otherwise he wouldn't ask. We also know it's George asking because of the actual question.

Try not to use passive langauge:

George was listening...

should be:

George listened...


General:

I think the chapter could be much improved by the 'less is more' rule. There's a lot of descriptive writing here which slows everything down, and that will only lose the readers interest. General rule, if it doesn't move the plot along then take it out. Try rewording your sentences to half the word count. They're very lengthy and this just slows down the plot even more.

The porter reached into his waistcoat pocket and pulled out a fob watch.
could be:
The porter pulled a fob watch from his waistcoat pocket.

He pulled out a wad of notes comprising of ten shillings, one pound and five pound in notes and counted twenty-three pound and ten shillings in all.
could be:
He pulled out ten shillings, one pound and five pound in notes.

The reader, I'm sure, can add. *Wink*

Last comment
The story has potential. Personally, with the story being so 'long-winded' as it is, I would not read on. You lost my interest about 2 pages in. It moves too slowly.
I have to be honest, sorry.
I do think that if you tightened this up and made it punchier and moved it along faster it would be great.

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Review of "Fine, Thanks"  Open in new Window.
Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I have to say I don't normally read a lot of poetry, but I really enjoyed this.

Great imagery for a poem, I could see and understand everything you were writing.

I even like the layout that you have here, not uniform and left justified, which helps with the flow. Great work.

Don't forget to set up your bio in your portfolio...we want to know something about you. This can help draw readers to look at your work.

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Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a great little storyline you have here. *Smile*

I like the first line:

Arthas dreamt of the stone. He was standing in his room, and the stone had been glowing completely white.

This draws the reader in quickly, making them want to read on. Well done.

Watch your tense throughout the story. I notice you change from present to past tense then back again a little. Try to keep this all the same.

I like some of your descriptions:
Its nails clicked the floor as it walked towards (the) sliver of salted deer

The moon gave little light; alas he could only see the shadows of things.

On the eyebrows; scales or feathers, whatever they were, made small ridges across on each brow resembling hair. The belly and the front side of the neck were connected by large plates that reminded Arthas of scale armor.


You've used some good imagery throughout the story. Remember to 'write tight', meaning less is sometimes more. If you can write something in two words rather than five then do it. If something is unnecessary then take it out.

I think you have a lot of potential in your writing, even though there are a lot of grammatical errors in this story. Don't let that put you off. These things will improve over time and with experience.

Keep it up...

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Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very nice piece of writing. *Smile*

A good short story should be character driven and yours definitely is. Willow is real and relatable.

You use nice imagery, while not going over the top with descriptions, just giving enough to draw the reader in and make them feel like part of the story.

Others turned to art, swirling their thoughts onto a blank canvas. Red for anger, blue for a sinking feeling, green for a beautiful spring day they will never forget.
I like this!

The winter months depressed her. Willow had decided that she was somewhat of a chameleon; her moods changed with the weather.
And I like this *Smile*

I like how you come full circle with the story, finishing back where you started with that 'blue for a sinking feeling'. However I did feel it was a little bit of a contradiction, because you had said 'others turned to art', indicating that Willow didn't. Maybe if you changed it to 'some turned to art' it would fit better with her using the analogy at the end. Just a thought *Wink*

I look forward to reading something else from your portfolio *Balloon5*

Helen

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Review of Meep and Squee  Open in new Window.
Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed this *Smile*

The only thing I noticed is that you tend to change your tense all the time.

Example:

The tiny little fairy,
Trudged away from home, past tense
Dodging acorn boulders, present tense
And each apple seed tomb.
Whistling a little ditty, present tense
Swaggering as she walks, present tense
Lo and behold!
She met a cat who talks! past tense
First the cat tried to bite, past tense
But Meep told it no. past tense

If you kept it all either one or the other it would flow much better.

Helen

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Review of The Unrescue  Open in new Window.
Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
An amusing tale. *Smile*

I was a little confused when you said he scooped her up and put her on the front of the horse. Then you were referring to things like she glared at him and wanted to strangle him. If she's on the front of the horse, she wouldn't be able to look at him or strangle him as her back would be to him.

I felt like I had been left hanging a little at the end, I really wanted to know what his problem was...

The piece however is well written, your dialogue is good and there are very few grammatical issues. Well done.

Helen

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Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A strong piece of writing. I like the first line, it sets the pace for your thoughts with contradiction.

“I Love you – I hate you – I Love you – I hate you.

A couple of mistakes that I picked up:

Where you from and Why do you do what you do?

Should be 'Where are you from...'

You’ve broken many hearts and left many to pieces..

I felt it should have been 'in pieces..'

Write on...

Regards,

Helen

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Review of The Orchid Bride  Open in new Window.
Review by Helen McNicol Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A nice 'slice of life' story. I thought the end was a little abrupt, however I noticed you had a word count there, so were probably restricted to 2000 words.

Suggestions:

Her mother’s screeching cry pierced through the fog that had once clouded the daydreaming young girl’s mind.

I thought you could change this around a little, ie:

Her mother’s screeching cry pierced through the fog, that which had once clouded the young girl’s daydreaming mind.

“Please let me help,” he asked again, reaching out for the pot, but she smacked his hand away and shrugged, now suddenly finding the strength to walk those final steps up.

you've written 'asked' but it was not actually a question.

She could see the outskirts of her village now, the chickens kicking up a cloud of dust as they ran around the compound being chased by half-naked children for entertainment.

The way you have written this is as if the chickens were entertained by the children, not vice versa *Smile*.

“Oh no,” she gasped, already wading towards the ocean.

You've put 'wading towards the ocean' but if she's wading then isn't she in the ocean?

I like how you brought the orchid into the story, this was a nice touch.

Regards,

Helen

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