First suggestion: maybe 19th century characters from specific cultures should have 19th century names from those cultures. Instead of Anna Nicole, maybe a name like Annunciata, or Rosaria. Hmm. Maybe Conception.
"Miss Kitty" is from Gunsmoke and may be copyrighted. Maybe Annabelle. Or Elizabeth. Or Elisha? (There was a lady brothel-keeper in real-life Globe, Arizona, in 1860, nicknamed "China Mary.")
"Pa" having two cousins helping him on the farm is good. Might want to give "Pa" a name so he reads like a fleshed-out person. 19th century frontier names were often Biblical, from the Old Testament. Something like Zebediah, or Jedediah. Or maybe Jonah.
I don't know about naming the cousins Chester and Fester. It's a little sing-song, although I guess that's a matter of artistic opinion.
"Sage" is a good tough guy name, but maybe it should be a nickname?
Thank you again for allowing our suggestions. Whatever you decide, good luck with your western story.
As a last suggestion, many writers look up technical information, in books or online, even when they're writing fiction. Things like the difference between a Jennifer-tree saddle and a Mexican stock saddle. A mustang as compared to a spotted Pinto pony. A .36 caliber Griswold & Gunnison all-iron Civil War revolver (from Atlanta) versus a .45 Colt. Or a Remington. A cowboy's slouch hat as compared with a plantations owners flat "kossuth" hat (sometimes also called a Jeff Davis hat).
Mexican chaps as compared to Levi & Strauss denim jeans. An iron Union canteen as compared to a wooden Confederate canteen. Just a little information on John Deere farming equipment in the 19th century might not go amiss. Maybe a little information on any Indian tribes, if they'll be involved. Like the fact that Apaches at that time didn't want to die at night, for fear that their soul would spend eternity in the dark, so they didn't attack at night. Various medical techniques, with names like Starry Night Way, Western Wind Way, Old Wind Way!
Ever see the movie "A Man Called Horse"? The scene where he's hanging by eagle claws in his nipples in a hole? That's a real New Mexican Indian ceremony. Your future readers might find details like that interesting! Your future editors, too!
Good luck on this new adventure that you're embarking on! And remember: You. Can. Do. It. We're all rooting for you, and we all have faith in you!
This was such a good article that I'm actually not good enough to review it! Was this your college doctoral thesis paper? It certainly reads like it!
Well, far be it from me to teach my grandmother to such eggs, as the saying goes! This reads like any encyclopedia article I've ever read anywhere. It was extremely well researched and thought out! The writing was clear and concise! It was certainly fun, reading about all of the political maneuvering and intrigue!
Thank you very much for the privilege and enlightenment of reading this! I sincerely hope that you got that doctoral degree in history! You clearly deserve it!
Fun read. And think that the main character reads fine. Reads like a sci-fi "any man." Story seems to read as professionally written as any paperback or hardback fiction out there. Am assuming the characters are a reference to Star Trek. Believe that there is still a market out there for Star Trek prequel fiction. Might want to consider for yourself a hook: something that other Star Trek prequels don't have. Thank you very much for the privilege of reading this.
Perfect. Wouldn't change a thing. One small detail (and it's very small): no elephants at Cannae. Otherwise perfect. Really makes a reader feel the impact.
The writing style seems of professional caliber to me, although I'm not a professional. You've obviously put a lot of thought into the characterization. The characters read clearly and are well-defined. It's also very clear that Velenis and The Black King fought it out just before the opening of this scene and that Velenis won, although at a high price. Maybe a prior scene to establish what's in-character for Velenis before portraying her out of character. Just a suggestion.
Although it's a preface, this scene seems begin in the middle of the story. I think I need to read from the beginning to fully understand everything. But it certainly makes me, as a reader, want to read more. You've certainly created as well a fleshed-out fantasy world as anything in a book store. If you keep working on it, I think you may become the next Tolkien, if that's what you want. You should definitely write on.
Good attention-grabbing beginning. The shock impact is immediate. Good premise. That something someone worked for all their life is suddenly gone. Don't know who Patrick McDonel is, but he's obviously going to be someone central to the story. Your writing style reads professionally. You could go anywhere with this. You obviously have good ideas.
Great story! Uplifting and innocent. Reading it is like a breath of spring. I liked it so much, I went back and read chapter one. It really draws a reader in. No flaws that I can see anywhere. The characters are well-defined, the action is clear and concise. It's elegantly descriptive. Only it's a little short. You might want to combine chapter one and two. Otherwise, it's a very pleasant read.
Cool Medieval dialect. Love the idea of both main characters being blind. The banter is believable and light-hearted. The attention to detail really draws a reader in. Point-of-view is clearly from Brother Jackdaw. Very well written. Would like it to be more than a single page, though. Kudos. You should keep writing this.
Very good description of the terrain: really makes you imagine that you're there. Very good evocation of character.
I'm not that interested in the color of their eyes unless it's relevant to the story. Maybe move the part about the wind ruffling their curly hair, and the color of their eyes, to when the horsemen first arrive. Maybe also have Owen lift off his hood to reveal his hair when he first arrives, to help the flow of the story. But it's a good flow throughout.
Also wanted to ask if this is narrator point-of-view or character point-of-view? Overall, I think it reads as good as anything I've read in the public library.
Can't read a review that I was sent. The computer says it's either because the review is not public (then why send it to me?), not accessible to my account, or I'm neither the sender nor the recipient. Can anyone give advice? Thanks.
I don't normally read stories involving people with super powers but I enjoyed the way you metaphorically categorize your characters, giving them both identity and a sense of mystery that kept me reading. Great description of the rain. Amazing job. I thoroughly enjoyed this.
My God, you're a natural! You know, you're a VERY strong writer! You obviously know your business, both the military and the literary. Wouldn't dare DREAM of suggesting any improvements to what you've posted. Eager to read whatever else comes next: have read published authors who don't write as strongly as you do. Good luck and keep going!
This story is very interesting, the plot very well thought out, and it is certainly well-written, although I thought it seemed a little cliche. The invention of fictional Persian tribes is well-done, although a little historical research could probably reveal the names of real Median and Persian tribes that existed.
This was a very fun read!!! Fast and clear and to the point!!! Delightful!!! Joch Traspt is a lot like Pirates of the Caribbean but different!!! Loved the use of the plot device!!! I look forward to reading more of the adventures of Captain Joch Traspt!!!
This was a most intriguing introduction. I don't know who Sand was, or what the inky night that came pouring out into day was, but I'd very much like to. I would love to hear more about the village, the other people, and Sand's relationship to them.
This story was so well conceived, so well executed, that it was like watching a movie in my imagination. The main character was vividly depicted and very sympathetic. I actually scanned ahead to the end of the story to find out what The Sound was before going back to finish reading. As a reader, it was entertaining and held my attention: just what was The Sound, anyway?
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