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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pellehcim
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35 Public Reviews Given
35 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Natural, positive with constructive feedback.
I'm good at...
I am really good at spelling and grammatical reviewing. I can also help you rearrange sentences to help with clarity. I love to give feedback and enjoy hearing other people's work.
Favorite Genres
Short Story, thriller, memoir, fiction (novels)
Least Favorite Genres
Non-fiction- scientific or technology Business technical writing
Favorite Item Types
prose, short story, writing prompts, musings
I will not review...
I am probably not the best at reviewing poetry, therefore, I will abstain from that genre.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Avoiding Alicia  
Review by MichelleP
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Oh my gosh.
Just...wow.
Oh my gosh. I have such intense emotions.
Partly it is because I can relate so much to the way this daughter feels about her mother, and partly because your writing is excellent and I am stunned by the last sentence.
This story just flowed so easily. I felt as if I was reading something that has already been published. You are extremely good at this...
The dialogue was great. I know so much about the daughter and how she feels, simply by what she says and the way she says it.
And the narrator...I suppose I should feel sorry for her. But you did such a good job making us dislike her almost as much as her daughter. Or perhaps that is my own "stuff" getting in the way because I have similar feelings for my own mom.
I don't know how to give you any sort of constructive criticism because this entire piece just WORKS.
You should really enter this in a contest or try to get it published.
I am so glad I found you so that now I can read more of your writing.
Thank you for sharing,
Michelle
2
2
Review of Revenge  
Review by MichelleP
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Wow, you have very powerful imagery in this story. I believe this is the same Ivy from the story about Grandma's attic. This story flows well and you are very good a using dialogue to move the story along. I can see that there is definitely something evil in this girl, especially to cause her to do such horrible things. I would like to hear MORE about this girl and find out where the voices came from. Maybe there is more in your portfolio, I am going to go check!
Thanks for sharing!
3
3
Review by MichelleP
Rated: E | (4.0)
Zeke, this poem is so sweet. I love it. It reminds me of a man who loved me truly for who I am inside and wants nothing more than that.
The words and phrases that you put together are beautiful. You express so much with so few words.
My favorite line is "critics would be at a total loss."
Wonderful to read. Thank you for making me smile.
4
4
Review by MichelleP
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
HI Ellis,
I was very impressed with the twist at the end of your story. This is a great start to an excellent, prize winning story. You have a knack for moving the reader through the story easily and the dialogue you use helps us really get to know the characters, even better than lots of description might. I especially love the interaction with his brother at the end.
I do have one suggestion to improve your story. I think you have such a good flow to your writing and that too many adjectives or adverbs actually detract from it. If you take some of your adjectives out, and just make some of your verbs stronger, they will be able to stand on their own.
However, that is just my opinion. All in all, I LOVED the twist at the end! Nice job!!!
5
5
Review by MichelleP
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Charlie,
I was surprised that a story written with only one syllable words could be this....well- GOOD.
It is you, your writing style. You have this voice that makes your writing effortless to read. Everything seems to fall logically into place. It is like you are inside of your character's heads, whether they are male or female, and you bring the reader right along with you. I envy that natural talent.

May I ask, does writing come effortlessly to you? Are there certain steps you follow to get to what is inside and wants to come out? Or are you one of the lucky ones who can just spill words onto paper and have brilliance? My impression is that you were born with this gift. Am I correct?

Thanks,
Michelle
6
6
Review by MichelleP
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Alexander, you definitely achieved your goal of avoiding passive verbs. Your writing here is simple and descriptive, without the overuse of "passive" verbs, adjectives and adverbs. I could see the entire scene. Your description is powerful throughout the entire piece. My favorite lines of the piece are " The horror-stricken faces on the deck stared back at him, even as he weakly hailed them, and continued along, turning away from the island of Das-Vearna. He would not want to risk the plague either." However, I did have to read the first line two or three times as the sentence structure made me first think that he weakly hailed them and then continued along, turning away from the island, instead of the ship. It may just be the way I read it, but changing the structure may be something to consider for clarity.

I am going to read more of your writing next, as I enjoy your style. You are the kind of author who brings me to another place and make me want to binge read for days straight. Thank you for sharing.
7
7
Review by MichelleP
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
HI Erika,
I think you have a great start here. I think you have some strong descriptive areas. For example, when you describe Amber the first time Hunter sees her in the institution I can see her in front of me as well. I also believe you have some good flashbacks that can take the place of some of the "Telling" instead of showing that you use in this story. I believe if you use more flashbacks with dialogue, the reader will get a better feeling for Hunter without you having to TELL so much in the two paragraphs on the bottom of page 3 and top of page 4. One of my favorite flashbacks is the one where they are discussing Amber's new dog. That exchange between the two of them tells WAY more about Hunter than most of the paragraphs where he says he is power hungry...etc. I would shoot for more scenes like that.

SHOW the reader what happened to him and how he reacted. SHOW us how he became obsessed with wanting more power. We need to believe that what happened to him caused him to want power so much that he would kill. In the beginning of the story, Hunter seems pretty scared, at least that is what my first impression was. I think you want him instead, to be angry. Try to find ways to show his passion for power at the beginning of the story so his character is believable when he describes his need for power later on.

I have another suggestion which works for me and the authors in my writing group. Go back through your writing and look for clichés. Watch for words and phrases that are used all the time. Usually, they are phrases that pop easily into your head because you have read them somewhere else or heard others use them. AVOID them like the plague. (You see...I just used one!!) Some examples I found were "heart pounding a mile a minute." "I stopped in my tracks." "My teeth were chattering." Look at those phrases and try to think of other ways to say them that are more creative. You actually did it when you said "My heart was still running a marathon." THAT was excellent! Now I know the character's heart is beating really fast and you didn't have to say it the way everyone else says it.

One more suggestion...and I have to always go back to my writing to check for this, too- be careful with using the same words or phrases over and over. For example, you say "I craned my neck" at least three times in the story. Try to find a different way to say that each time.

Remember, it takes MANY edits and rewrites to get to a finished piece. I would love to read this again after you have done some editing.

I think it is fantastic that you are pursuing writing and putting your work out there for others to read. Starting at such a young age will guarantee you success! Congratulations!
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