Hi Ann -
I always enjoy reading your material. This piece feels like it should be set to music. My first read seemed forced somehow but, when I went back and read it as a song it was beautiful. It needs a few more verses. What you and your husband have sounds so much like my husband and me, BUT... I can never put words to it, and you do it so beautifully making it look simple while you're at it.
I find no room for improvement.
a suggestion though to put a few returns after your last line as it is gets lost in the copyright.
We all have been here at one time or another, but few will share this truth. The struggle of everyday life can get us down, make it tough to rejuvinate and eventually we stop trying. I'm glad you found your spark and were able to fan it into a flame.
Your writings are always an inspiration to me and I assume others find strength in your gift too.
Again there is no room for improvement. You always say so much in so few words and your messages are always deep and cut into my heart.
Ann, you share your life so freely and you touch our hearts. Your ability to make us feel the agony, disbelief and shock. You have a gift with words that brings them to life and makes them tangible rather than just some organized letters on a slate.
You always write from your heart I pray with you if this you and your husband or even the experience of your friend.
Please keep those letters dancing and let us know how we can support you.
Ann~
You've done it again. You remind those that have a love such as yours how to dance on the moon. Love like ours is so precious and amazing.
I enjoy reading your work; it always runs very deep, I wish I could express the love in my life as articulately as you do but I will be very satisfied just reading your description of it.
Thank you for sharing your life with us, reminding us to dance on the moon.
Pen/Michelle
Dom
I look forward to seeing the new you.
It's nice to have you back.
I like this poem although it I think it is a little short and you could probably write a couple more stanza's to go with it.
Only saw one thing that needs your attention
whizaing should be whizzing.
I actually was a bit disappointed in this survey. You left out several options such as:
-I have a/multiple family member(s) diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.
I could think of a dozen others such as my life has been effected by someone with bi-polar (this could be stated various ways to demonstrate to what degree your life has been effected)
Are you looking for a general public perspective and acceptance of bipolar disorder or are you looking for information about personal experience?
Also the way you worded the intro it sounds like you have already written the article and formed an theory and now you are trying to manipulate the survey to support your statement.
My son suffers from BiPolar Disorder, when he was finally diagnosed it was an immediate relief. It was distroying the family and his future was looking rather bleek. His future is still much in question and the entire family is effected by his condition even today with treatment. But now that he has a treatment regiment we can at least function like a family and support him and each other through his "bad days".
Ann
I just spent the last 30 minutes reading, crying and reflecting. We all have hurt at times but few can articulate that pain the way you can. You have way of taking words and in just the right combination I can feel your pain, your joy, your disappointment, your fear, your love and your compassion. You are gifted with words.
Keep writing Ann, and please try not to discourage. There are times when the least little thing can make a world of difference in someone else's life.
I remember when my son was sick. There were people that really did a lot to help us. My in-laws were there for us and of course I drew so much strength from them but, I remember most those little bursts of faith and hope I recieved when a nurse patted my shoulder or I would visit the hospital and discover someone took the time to comb his hair and straighten his covers. Sometimes the little details are the ones that carry the strongest message and express the greatest love.
Thanks for sharing this. I hope you get back to this soon, it has been far too long.
This was well written in the fact that it made me go visit the website. I think this is a tremendous opportunity for authors and am so glad you chose to place an "advertisement" on writing.com.
The fifty movies from short stories that you posted on your website are awsome I knew a few of them had begun as short stories but, there actually were a few that I was surprised to find on the list.
Thanks for sharing this and good luck in this endeavor. I think it is a wonderful idea.
Ok I can understand your percpective on anonymous reviews. Especially since the motivation behind the negative reviews is very questionable. I also can understand, somewhat, why someone would want their reviews to be anonymous.
I have not done any anonymous reviews and at this point don't expect to any time soon. But, I can actually comprehind some reasons I may want to.
I'm not a poet and can't say much in regards to the proper formatting of this. But...
I liked the rhythm and flow of this. I think you raise a good question -- my answer is:
No of course not -- nothing has changed except perhaps the perception that we give the world.
Thanks for sharing this Susan - I'm glad I took the time it read this.
This was absolutely cute - we were able to visualize three very out of shape men running a race. Without giving anyone a name the reader is still able to distinguish each contestant. Any observer of this race would have had a difficult time not laughing hysterically.
Suggestion for Improvement
only one-
the fourth from last paragraph is a bit ackward -
The jerk referee was there, laughing at them, laughing so hard his face was completely red. Gasping, he went for the last twenty.
Technically you have the "jerk referee running for the last twenty rather than The Chin.
However, since this was a writng prompt for "the best done the fastest. I think you did an awesome job.
I do wonder about the sanity of eating the powder donuts from The Chin's pocket along with pocket lint - eww!!
This was beautiful -
I don't have to know poetry to know what I like.
This I like.
I love the sisterhood that you built between the snowflakes and the falling clouds of pink petals was a nice touch. You drew a nice full circle with the leaves. Nicely done.
I'm so glad I took the time to read this story. What a nightmare. If it makes you feel any more normal I have a similar nightmare with the car, only I have hit a child in mine. I always wake-up before I know if I’ve actually made contact or not.
I only have a couple of suggestions on this one; actually it may only be one.
Review the rules on ellipses
Ellipses should only be three periods
Also they are used for:
To indicate that some words have been left out of a quotation
To indicate that something unwritten came before or after
Sentences breaking off - to entice you to continue reading
To indicate slow-downs in thought or conversation
Or to indicate a long, slow break
A fast, crisp break is indicated with hyphens
Check out your second and third paragraph and consider revising – well, not revising exactly - tweaking is probably a more suitable word.
Otherwise –
This has some nice visual to it and I could feel your anxiety (remember you can use hyphens to show faltering speech/thoughts and build anxiety even more).
I’m glad I took the time to read this one too.
Thank you for sharing
I'm so glad I took the time to read this story. Every woman that has ever been pregnant can relate to the boredom and redundancy of every day life as their protective cradle goes ever larger.
I have a couple of suggestions for improvement and much of this is my opinion so toss out what you don't agree with
Paragraph 1
morning sickness was bad but this was even worse
-I believe you need a comma after bad
I though would recommend dropping the word but and replacing it with a hyphen.
Paragraph 2
But I was bored! Bored senseless, I just sat around reading and cooking and getting FAT.
- I would recommend changing this sentence -
I was bored; bored senseless! I just sat around all day – reading – cooking – and getting FAT!
Paragraph 3-11
-You need a comma after night and in the last sentence
Before I realized what I was saying, I said, “I want to go with you!”
-Consider changing to
Before I realized what I was saying, “I want to go with you,” had enthusiastically escaped my mouth.
-Consider
He looked at me incredulously.
-Consider
I patted his knee as if I had done this a hundred times.
Paragraph 13-14
-consider
sucked the belly in; finally succeeding in getting the suit zipped up
We head off in the truck
-add ed to head
Paragraph 17
He takes the gun from me and starts off
-When did you get the gun? Or did you mean the flashlight?
- you need a comma after Finally
Paragraph 19
You need a comma after long
Paragraph 20
Ellipses should only be three periods
Also they are used for:
To indicate that something unwritten came before or after
Sentences breaking off - to entice you to continue reading
To indicate slow-downs in thought or conversation
Or to indicate a long, slow break
A fast, crisp break is indicated with hyphens
Considering these general rules you may want to reconsider several ways to write this paragraph
Paragraph 22
You need a comma after finally and
he snatched to gun from me to save it from damage
_ I think you meant
he snatched the gun
One more suggestion would be to go back and add a line space between each paragraph.
****I loved the descriptions you used throughout this short. The visualization was well-crafted and you kept my attention throughout. I was cheering you on. Everyone knows how important it is to prove ourselves just once especially to someone who loves us but is almost condescending in their perception of our ability in a particular area. Good for you. The tone throughout this piece was consistent and it was a pleasant read that I’m glad I took the time to read.****
Thank you for putting these together. You actually hit quite a few of them. I especially like the way thank you for your support is put together the multiple cables required to give the stabelist of supports. But, my ultimate favorite is the "MY FOOT"
I seem to always be putting my foot in my mouth.
This is a nice image and specially unique. There are usually two standard poses for Swans and this is a nice unique pose I sespecially like the peacock feathers in the young girls skirts, and the innocence in her pose.
First I'm sorry for Mindy's family and my heart goes out to the family.
This was poignently written, hopefully at least one parent will heed the warning. We've always had very strict rules on auto safety in my home. Now, my teenagers have taken over the the safety patrol; reminding my to fasten my seatbelt before I even finish getting settled into my position. Watching the speedometer and the traffic etc.
My son is 17 and we haven't allowed him to get his license yet because we are in a very high traffic area, with a high rate of high speed accidents. At least weekly; Last year there were six accidents that consisted of fatalities, without safety belts there would have been more.
There are a few opportunities for improvement in this I would like to point out.
the world behind of power of that killer monster, {/b}
try this: the world behind the power of that killer monster,
hospital, she had had hours to live!
try this: hospital, she had only hours to live!
truck into park unless you and
try this:c:blue} truck into gear unless you and
family though some of the financial burden
try this: family through
some of the financial burden
out to them in this sad time in their lives.
try this: out to them at
this sad time in their lives.
> seatbelt should be one word
> I think you need more paragraph breaks (but this is just my opinion)
. you do need extra spaces between paragraphs, specifically right after your introduction
> you mention statistics it would strengthen this if you were to cite some statiistics
overall this was a good piece thank you for sharing.
First I'm sorry for Mindy's family and my heart goes out to the family.
This was poignently written, hopefully at least one parent will heed the warning. We've always had very strict rules on auto safety in my home. Now, my teenagers have taken over the the safety patrol; reminding my to fasten my seatbelt before I even finish getting settled into my position. Watching the speedometer and the traffic etc.
My son is 17 and we haven't allowed him to get his license yet because we are in a very high traffic area, with a high rate of high speed accidents. At least weekly; Last year there were six accidents that consisted of fatalities, without safety belts there would have been more.
There are a few opportunities for improvement in this I would like to point out.
the world behind of power of that killer monster, {/b}
try this: the world behind the power of that killer monster,
hospital, she had had hours to live!
try this: hospital, she had only hours to live!
truck into park unless you and
try this:c:blue} truck into gear unless you and
family though some of the financial burden
try this: family through
some of the financial burden
out to them in this sad time in their lives.
try this: out to them at
this sad time in their lives.
> seatbelt should be one word
> I think you need more paragraph breaks (but this is just my opinion)
. you do need extra spaces between paragraphs, specifically right after your introduction
> you mention statistics it would strengthen this if you were to cite some statiistics
overall this was a good piece thank you for sharing.
This is unlike any of your other work, that I have read thus far. However, it is still impressive. You did a fine job on this. You could do more, personally though I like your inspirational, make me stop and think works better.
I want to go to Athens, Greece and you can't stop me.
Wow Ann you did it again. The imagery in this is great. You make me want to move. My heart aches and you have made me homesick for a place I've never been. Perhaps it's the nostalgia of it all, but still my heart aches.
This was poignantly written and again you have made me cry. You have a wonderful heart the way you are able to express such emotion, often speaking for others' that can not find the words.
I always welcome the opportunity to read your work.
Thanks for sharing.
I always enjoy reading your work, and this is no exception. I always gain something from reading your work and am glad that I took the time to read this one too.
You did this so smoothly. The way you seemingly are comparing contrasts in the community and roll right on into a statement of societal contrasts and the way all of this reflects on our veterans. It was a different approach that I don't believe I had heard before.
The color changes is a nice touch and helps to emphasize the contrasts.
I like your style. You kind of remind me of Raymond Carver, with some of your stories. He wrote of the poorer working class and really gave them life, meaning and understanding.
I'll be visiting your port frequently
P~
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