This is a good little story which has the premise to be slightly extended and "filled" out. I know you have a penchant for psycho's, this time a doctor, but I would've so loved to see some form of the Occult, Paranormal or Supernatural in here as well. Or at the very least, the reason for his foul deeds - Most psycho's are created.
Kept to the Prompt - 10/10
Kept to the Rules - 10/10
Originality - 7/10
Psycho Doc's aren't that new, though the cattle prod was inventive - but surely the leather straps would leave a mark?
Grammar - 9/10
Early on in the story a few of the sentences feel quite passive and a little long winded (but that could just be me ) - However, in the second part of the story the pace picks up nicely and keeps going 'till the end.
"Leonard body convulsed"
Should be "Leonard's body convulsed"
Dialogue - 10/10
Right length for the piece and realistic to boot - good work.
Characters - 7/10
Not much in characterisation in this short piece as you have four characters portrayed in so few words. I would've cut the other two's parts down and built on the main characters of the Doc. and Leonard, trying to get the reader to empathise with either of them a little.
Pace and Flow - 8/10
As I stated above the first few paragraphs are a tad bit slow, where as the second part steams ahead.
Feeling / Emotion - 8/10
I think you did right to go with the shock value in this story - though a little more fright on the kids behalf would've gone down well.
Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself)
Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.
I enjoyed this story, though when the syringe came out I knew kinda where we were heading with the plot. And when you mentioned the mannequin, I knew the dreaded truth (When I become a Rock God - leave the girls with BIG boobs alone ).
This is a very well written piece which deserves more Ratings and Reviews.
Overall Conclusion
Kept to the Prompt - 10/10
What can I say, it is a Rock Stars Nightmare.
Kept to the Rules - 10/10
Everything's there as I asked for, thank you kindly.
Originality - 5/10
This was the only let down in the whole story - a psycho groupie (I understand there's lots of them about
Grammar - 10/10
Didn't find any errors or typo's anyplace - Good work
Dialogue - 10/10
Even though there's very little of it, you used it well to add to your Groupies character.
Characters - 9/10
As I said above, you used the dialogue well with the groupie, though I think the Rock Star would've been pleading a little more, with fear.
Pace and Flow - 10/10
Well written throughout, and was an effortless read -
Overall Feel - 7/10
In the "captive" second half, I think you need a little more fear, especially where the Rock Star is concerned. Maybe a little more sycophantic love from the groupie wouldn't go amiss either - though it would probably take you over the 666 word limit, if you added everything I said - unless you did a major rewrite.
Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself)
Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.
A job well done - I liked this piece a lot, and though there are some strands of horror and sci-fi, I think the character and the drama would make this a great read for anyone.
In fact I ask anyone that reads this review to read the story - I don't think you'd be disappointed.
You got the tone and narrative for your narrator down, right from the start; and the opening line sets everything up.
The only drawback was that I missed you usual descriptive text - which wouldn't have gone with this
story - so good job.
Kept to the Prompt - 9/10
"Those nasty diseases can't kill us all" isn't exactly "They can't kill us all" but what's life without a little writers "artistic license"?
Kept to the Rules - 9/10
About 590? You're telling me, you didn't count them : There are actually 582 words (not including the title) - but what's eight, tiny words, between writers .
Originality - 9/10
What with the setting and the simpleness of the character I couldn't help myself from thinking of The Stand and "M. O. O. N. That spells Tom Cullen" - thanks for those memories, I loved that book and especially that character.
Grammar - 10/10
Nothing found and nothing noticed in my read throughs.
Dialogue - 10/10
Since the entire story is a monologue and you pulled it off splendidly.
Characters - 10/10
Only one character her, and you did a great job in making him realistic within the wordage limits - very good job.
Pace and Flow - 10/10
Easy and steady pace to this one. It doesn't meander and it doesn't race - it kinda keeps time like a trusted grandfather clock, from the start to the conclusion.
Overall Feel - 10/10
It's loaded with a happy sadness, the feelings portrayed by the narrator keep the story strong and alive, while everybody is dying around them.
Please remember any opinions which are given, are given in the spirit of helpfulness - If you do not agree with my opinions then please feel free to ignore them - after all this is YOUR story (be true to it and yourself)
Thank you for taking part in the contest - hope to read more from you soon.
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) - However, in the second part of the story the pace picks up nicely and keeps going 'till the end.
"Leonard body convulsed"
Should be "Leonard's body convulsed"
