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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pernille
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84 Public Reviews Given
192 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to give my overall impression, give tips for improvement if I notice anything in particular, and often highlight favourite lines or aspects I think worked well. I might comment on the form and style, and anything else that strikes me as relevant. All comments are intended to be constructive and helpful. ............................................................................ I recommend this interesting commentary from northernwrites about what rating actually means: "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. ............................................................................
Favorite Genres
Genres I like include Nature, Pets, Animals, Fantasy, Drama, Emotional, Inspirational, Romance, Thrillers, Mystery, Fanfiction, Comedy, Education etc. Most genres, really, depending on my mood and the text.
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Short Stories, Chapters, Essays, Other
I will not review...
If I don't feel like the material is for me, so that I don't have anything constructive to say, I might prefer not to comment.
Public Reviews
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Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wonderful story, and a great message. I had a feeling about what would happen, but it worked well as it didn't need to be a complete surprise for me as a reader...only for the characters. For me, the growing realization about what was going on fit nicely with the theme, and I found it to be a compelling and rewarding read. Your list at the end is also nice, and fits with the theme, although I'm not sure wether it should perhaps be a note that's more clearly separated from the story, so that the reader can digest the story's message for a moment. It's a nice list, though, I'll be thinking of it.
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Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This has a very nice ambiance, I enjoyed reading your poem very much. It has a real sense of mystery, and the feeling of comfort of nightfall is transferred to me as the reader. It's not a complete comfort, since the mystery of night is too dense and the experiences you write about too overwhelming for that, but there is a real stillness and 'soft' expectancy as well.

Overall a very enjoyable read. Personally I would have preferred the information about Nox to have been a note at the end (for instance by using dropnotes), but not marked as a footnote in the text. Also, I'm not sure about the parentheses, although I think I understand the use of them. All the extra signs just interrupt the flow a bit.

Thank you for a lovely poem *Smile*
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Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
As someone who's grown up with fish, I appreciate your article very much. I wasn't expecting aquarium fish to be a separate category, but other than that I recognize a lot of the information. It might be nice with another sentence explaining why that extra category exists. You have structured your article well, it's tidy, interesting and compelling to read. I love to see articles like this among all the fiction on wdc, it really is an imortant and interesting genre. Yours is a nice example of how an article might be structured.
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Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The title of this poem intrigued me, and I'm glad I read it. What an interesting idea. There's something mysterious and melancholic or wistful, but alo sweet about this poem. You make good use of repetition to explore the idea. I think you have found a special and effective way to express something about longing for an impossible love. The last line in the first stanza us a little bit confusing, but somehow fits with the theme anyway. A very special poem, keep up the good work.
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Review of the wise tree  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a beautiful story. I love that we follow the lifespan of a tree, and see the world from its perspective. That way we may gain some meaningful insight about our own lives. There is something so special about trees, since they are such a visible part of our lives, they are living things like us, and yet they often outlive us by several generations. Good use of paragraphs. From a purely visual aspect you might consider giving it some space above and below, and maybe capital letters in the beginning of the title words? Do it the way you prefer, of course. It was a joy to read.
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Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Here's the third of the three poetry reviews:


This is a poignant poem about forgiveness, or rather the lack thereof, that makes good use of form.

More specifically, I think it's a clever way to make use of repetition, since that's exactly how our thoughts often work when we're hurting over something unresolved. I think you do a good job of showing the dynamics of someone unable to forgive and let go, without spelling it out as a lesson for the reader. A nice example if show not tell in poetry.

I also like the way you use the idea of the heart being where it hurts, and how the confusion about this adds to the image of someone who's struggling to make sense of it all. I get the impression of someone who is still in the early stages of dealing with whatever happened, at least on an emotional level. It makes sense then that it's too soon to let go and forgive.

You've followed the form well, although a few details about the rhyming are perhaps a bit doubius, like 'shirts' seeming a bit forced (instead of shirt) and the word 'worse' not rhyming as well as the rest. Those are detail, though, and I don't think they take away from the overall experience of the poem.

To conclude: Well done on showing something important about the concept of forgiveness without spelling it out. Rather, you focus on the physical experience, and immediate thoughts. It makes for a very good read.
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Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is the first of the three poetry reviews I'm writing for you after the Mad Hatter's Tea Party:

This poem is a sweet tribute to yellow flowers, with an original twist.

Flowers are not an unheard of topic for poems, for good reasons. I think I would have enjoyed this poem if it had focused only on sight and smell, but I must admit it was a fun suprise the way you incorporated their uses as well. That way, it's not only a nature poem, but one about people and culture as well.

The reference to sunflower seeds being eaten at games (I think it means baseball) was for instance a nice detail. I can just see the empty shells littering the ground after a game, showing all the human activity that's been taking place.

I notice you were following a particlar form, and I think that was quite successful. The last stanza was the one where your word choices perhaps seeed most forced by the form, but only by a little. I think you pulled the form of well, and the way you structured the poem thematically was well done.

I like the way similarities and contrasts were used thematically both within stanzas and overall.

For instance, it was a nice twist that the first two flowers are edible, but the last is poisonous. That gives the title an extra layer, since not everything that's a tempting buttery yellow should eaten.

All in all, well done on a lovely poem!
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Review of Mephistopheles  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very interesting poem, with rich and fascinating word choices and imagery. I like the way you use the descriptions of nature to create a mood. The story that unfolds is quite mysterious to me, but that fits well with the overall feeling of the poem. To me this is a poem that most of all creates rich, complex images and impressions. I also enjoy the rythm of the last stanza, it almost feels like song lyrics in some parts. I look forwards to reading more from you.
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Review of The Abuse  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You tell a big story with few words here. It's very sad to read, and you are good at making me feel for the main character. It feels just as angry as sad, because of some of your forceful word choices. Keep up the writing, I'd love to see more from you.
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Review of The Fall  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is very nice. I love the way you use rhyme, and your comparisons and imagery.

My favourite lines:'My fear of heights keeps me,
From making a leap of faith,'

Your theme is fascinating, you're showing that something we think of as a positive feeling can get so intense that it gets scary instead.

Mind that you write it's, not its, when you mean "it is".

One thing you could work on moving forwards is using syllables to create a rhythm, like having a syllable pattern that's the same for each stanza (that is, working on meter).

This poem is great the way it is, I just think working on your meter is something you might enjoy.

Thank you for sharing your poem, please keep 'em coming!
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Review of A Decision  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this a lot, you are very good at setting the mood and making descriptions. Very film noir, very dramatic and mysterious. You show the strong bond between these characters in a very convincing way, and the problem the main character is grappling with is compelling. The importance of the relatinonship which might be about to end makes the stakes feel high, and getting Corsona to set a deadline is a clever way of making the problem feel urgent. I get very curious, of course about what will happen next. I worry if the choice to leave might have more serious concequences than the main character thinks. He's sure he knows her well, but she's already suprised him by wanting a family. Still, his view of unpaid debts makes his leaving a believable choice despite his suprise. Well done!

I'm also a fan of Rocky, he's an adorable addition to the story.

Here are some of my favourite lines:

"He's a big snuggly dog who's very insistent he's a lapdog."

"She owes me.It's how we've always made our way back to each other in the past. A debt left unpaid. "

"... and the lazy receptionist with her cheap magazine and cheaper cigarette"

"'I want a family,' she said like she was talking about brunch"

As for constructive criticism, I think I spotted a few minor spelling mistakes, so maybe look for that. Here's what I remember seeing:

stupied, twisted, broken, wrong

Like clockwork for over nine year


And there are some strange line breaks. You could maybe add some air to your formatting, though.

All in all a very nice story, I would love to read more about these characters.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Humble Pi  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very cute poem. I like that it's both fun and informative, and has a nice rythm. The word play 'humble pi/pie' is also a very clever way of starting and ending the poem. A perfect poem for making pi day fun.
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Review of Storm Music  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Fyn,

This review is for the "A GHA Fundraiser" Open in new Window..

I love this poem, it's very beautiful! The title is intriguing, and the poem certainly does not disappoint. I interpret this poem to be about thoughts and feelings, and about change. It seems to me that this is about what it's like to once have been in the throes of difficult thoughts and emotions, but to then experience the joy of realizing you made it through.

Anyone who have gone through a difficult time, and then experienced a change for the better-whether that's due to time passing and wounds healing naturally, or a process of actively seeking change-will know that it can feel like the sky finally clearing up. You can then look back at how you used to think and feel with distance, and realize with great relief that the thoughts that used to keep you trapped now can't hurt you anymore. This is what I believe your poem is really about, and I think it's beautifully done.

The imagery is very striking, and the poem reads well on that level as well. I like the idea of the storm becoming like music you can dance to, once the rainbow is out and everything is growing and changing.

There's a good use of contrast from how the poem begins, to how it develops after the change. You manage to change the mood completely and convincingly, within the span of a short little poem.

Tiny detail: Is illumine a word that I'm just unfamiliar with, or should it be illuminate or some such?

I also got very curious about this line: "Mobius memories circle..". I interpret this as having to do with the concept of a Möbius strip. That woud be very interesting imagery. I think a on one hand, a Möbius strip would fit your poem, because it gives the impression of being a bit confusing, and invites the idea of travel and movement. At the same time, it only has one "side", which is interesting if this poem has anything to do with relationships between people. The talk of regrets in the begining hints at that.

I do love the use of ivy as an image, since that really makes it feel like this poem is about unstoppable, but also unpredictable growth.

All in all a lovely poem, which I'm glad I read.

Write on!
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Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Coffee Queen Sox,

This review is for the "A GHA Fundraiser" Open in new Window.!

I love your poem, it's very effectful. It really brings forth the image of a fitful night of nightmares and sleeplessness. The last line, "sleep awaits the morn'" gives leaves the reader with little hope for the terrible dreams to give way for a good, deep sleep. It does, however, remind me that this might thankfully be just a nightmare, that will end when morning comes.

I think you're doing a great job of your word choices. You're focusing a lot on the senses, rather than thoughts and emotions, which is an excellent way of drawing in the reader. The poem feels visceral, and I'm right there in the nightmare, rather than just being told about someone having a nightmare.

There is no real explanation for why this nightmare is happening, and that make perfect sense. When you're lying in your bed, dreaming, you're not really aware of where the thougths and impressions are coming from.

You use a lot of auditory words, which I think is very effective. Right from the first line, you're preparing the reader to be ready to "listen" to your poem. The second line, "silence broken, grinding fear," is my favourite. This is when the nightmare really starts, and I love how you follow up silence being "broken" with a sound word, "grinding", but it's the noise of fear itself.

All the sound words that follow in the poem thereby become linked to fear, which I think is very effective. I also like how the sound words bleed seamlessly into movement words, which is what helps make the poem so visceral.

I'm not sure if I needed the line "visions of Armageddon in the night,", because it seems a bit on the nose. However, it does serve a purpose, like bringing vision into play as well, and setting the scene "at night".

The title is quite exciting, since it makes me wonder if one of two things is happening here:

Is there a conjurer who is brining these nightmare upon a poor soul? An outside force at play?

Or is this perhaps a cojurer's own dreams, as some sort of consequence of their actions?

It brings an interesting new level to the poem, and adds atmosphere and mystery.

You are throughtout the poem doing a good job of using repetition, alliteration and assonance in a way that keeps the pulse up, and fits the fitful theme of the poem.

There are commas, but no other punctuation, and only lower case letters, which I think also contributes to the pace and the mood of the poem. It feels right for a poem where the impressions are supposed to give a feeling of vague, restless unease.

The shape of the poem is also interesting, since to me it gives the impression of waves. I'm not sure about the word "tree" getting such a highlight, though, it feels like it's getting a focus that's not warranted.

All in all, I think you've written a very good poem, it was a fun read. Keep up the good work!
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Review of My Drummer Boy  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Fyn,

This is a review for the "A GHA Fundraiser" Open in new Window.!


I think this poem is a gem, it works really well. A poem about a drummer boy should be structured and rhytmical, and I think you've achieved that. It has an air of nostalgia, playfulness and mystery. I interpret this as being about a man who used to play the drums, and now has refound childhood joy by getting the old drumset out of the attic. It comes across as a love poem for this man.

I think it's clever to allude to the song Little Drummer Boy, since it immeadiately brings a lot of feelings. It also sets the stage of someone finding old memories, since for many people that song is a childhood memory.

I think you use rhyme and repetition in a good way, and you give this poem both the right kind of rhythm and variation. It flows nicely.

One of my favourite lines to read was "He played the riffs, the rolls, the licks.", because it flows nicely. You've done something clever here, where you've used both assonance and alliteration to tie the word "riffs" to both of the others. It's very well done.

One line that didn't flow as well was "that his welder's fingers couldn't wield the sticks", because it seemed a bit long. It also made the poem fell more personal, so I think it might be worth it. Perhaps it can be tinkered with to make it flow better anyway?

The last stanza makes me a bit confused about who's glowing, so maybe I don't understand the scene completely. The last line is strong, though.

All in all I really enjoyed reading this poem, thank you for writing it.

Write on!
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Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is great, thank you for sharing such a useful tool. I especially appreciate the world-building angle here, it's often overlooked or treated very simply as 'setting'.

Thank you for sharing this, I think I'll look back at it next time I'm reviewing a short story or a chapter.
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Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This is great, I enjoyed reading this very much.

The title is intriguing, and stays in my mind. You've done a good job of painting a picture, both with that line and the rest of the poem.

I like the juxtaposition between those who fought and perished, and those who 'stood as stone'. The time aspect makes this particularly interesting. It's clever to have almost 'eternal' onlookers, who put the great Battle, and rise and fall of cities, into perspective. And then even the onlookers must perish, nothing is eternal after all. It all makes me think of Ozymandias, the king of kings.

The names in your poem are intriguing, if they are references I don't recognize them. It's a mystery to me who is speaking, and that just makes it more fun.

All in all a very good poem, which I'm sure I might enjoy reading again and ponder more about.

Well done!
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Review of Meeting Him  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is wonderful, I love it!

I'm reading it at the wrong time of year, and I don't mind at all.

It's a very sweet story, just gives a happy feeling, really. I love the idea of it, and it's well done too. I like it that it's in the form of a poem, it makes it very fun to read.

Thank you for this little gem!

Write on!
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Review of Delta  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is great, you paint a beautiful picture. I love that you're making a word play across languages, it gives the poem an extra dimension. You have several good word plays, actually, like 'We fell from grace'.

The poem is beautiful both read as a story about a human relationship, and as the journey of water droplets. Pointing out the double meaning of 'delta' encourages the reader to see both interpretations.

There's something exquisite about the idea that participating in life (å delta) also means changes happening along the way, like being separated and spread out in a delta. I like this poem more, the more I think of it.

Godt skrevet!
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Review of Warning Siren  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A fun little story, I enjoyed reading it. This little rug rat is probably going to be a handful for a while to come.

I like the title, it's very fitting.

A tiny, tiny detail: I wish you would make some more spaced before you give the word count, or hide it. It just feels a bit distracting in a text this short, especially when the last sentence is breaking form. And a little bit more linespace overall might do it well.

The texts itself is cute and fun, I can just picture the brat punching the poor nurse.

Well done *Poseyb*



** Image ID #2249170 Unavailable **



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Review of Wicked Witch  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
What a terrifying character! I enjoyed reading this, it's chilling in a fairytale style. You paint a great picture of this character, a lot of good word choices. I think my favourite line is this:'A genuine smile is so hard to fake', more because of meaning than flow.

Since it's a long, story telling type poem, I wouldn't mind if you added punctuation. I don't think that's always neccessary in a poem, but here I miss it a bit.

Overall a very enjoyable read, well done.

Keep up the good work!
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Review of Poignant  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm impressed with how much you've managed to say with such few words. There's a big story in these few lines, both about past and future. The form is very good too, you've done a great job here.
It flows very nicely, with a nice rhythm.

Well done, write on!
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Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I loved reading this, what a great poem. I like your topic, and that it contrasts the difficult sides of the mind with the beauty. A positive ending is a good conclusion for this.

Excellent use of repetition. You have some powerful imagery, like 'Balanced on the edge of a knife'. Although that line uses an well-worn metaphor, it works well in your context.

The most akward line to read is 'Capable of bringing out our worst fears', because it's a bit long, but I do like the meaning of the line.

The font is a bit "in your face", which is a bit distracting, although bold text does make it stand out and feel hard hitting. Perhaps it can be done in bold in a different font?

I like the title, it made me want to read it. Porcelain is beautiful and fragile, so it fits nicely.

I'm glad I read this poem, thank you for sharing.

Write on! *Poseyo*
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Review of Broken  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

This packs a punch! Very strong and angry imagery, emphasised by the bold font.

As a poem, I love the force of it, even though the topic is hurt. It's very dramatic, and quite short, so it's like a quick shock to the system, with what is quite frankly a vindictive, bitter ending.

Although the words about healing leave an impact, the sentence isn't even finished before the anger shows itself again at the end. This poem speaks of old hurt and catharsis, and it leaves an impression.

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Review of A Kitten Calls  Open in new Window.
Review by PiriPica Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great story, I was hooked from the first sentence!

I think you did a good job of immediately making the stakes high, the mystery intriguing, and developing the characters, all within the first paragraph. These are all very important aspects of a successful short story, you clearly understand how it should be structured.

Using words like 'pitiful' and 'dire' sets an urgent mood that continues to drive the story throughout the boys' search. And the simple phrase 'stopped their matching Schwinn bikes' paints such a good picture of these characters and their relation to eachother—excellent "show not tell".

I think the whole story works very well, although I'll make some notes about the ending.

First though, the search which seems increasingly perilous (again, excellent storey-telling move, "increasing tension") is well done. And then the sweet scene where they carefully place the kitten in Caden's backpack...I loved that scene, and it fits nicely into the "falling tension" stage.

That brings us to the conclusion, and that part for me was sweet and good, but maybe not great. If I had to change something I would work on the very ending. It's tough, because the story needs to be rounded off at that point, and you paint a very nice picture. I think the ending is good. But there's something about the worry I've had for the cat during the long "increasing tension" part which makes me feel a tiny bit short-changed. Like the boys playing Nintendo while the kitten sleeps seems too easy/callous somehow. This isn't a big complaint, I'm nitpicking here, but maybe something can be done to soothe my concern for the cat? I expected her to be more tired, maybe she sleeps on one of the boys chest at the end, or they see that she's beginning to show interest in playing, instead of playing with her 'all day'?

Again, I'm digging deep here, but I think the story would end even better for me if I were as convinced as the boys that the kitten is really okay. I guess it's the very last paragraph I'm honing in on.

Minor detail:
'...no so tough response.'—should this be "... not so tough..."?

And there's a random gold coin at the end*Laugh* Leftover from Easter?

I really enjoyed your story, thank you for writing it*PoseyP*
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