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Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Great story. Please see below for a few suggested improvements:

1) "Come in,” she said. “have a cup of tea.” You may want to either capitalize "Have" or put a comma in place of the period after "said."

2) He said, “sleep-overs, movies…you name it” A period is needed here.

3) The Hill’s Light Diner had been his regular stop every tuesday and thursday morning for the past twenty years, and he didn’t mean to change that now. --- Small typos: Tuesday and Thursday should be capitalized.

4) What’s more, the rash on his neck was becoming unbearable, and despite his best efforts he’d succeeding in scratching it raw. --- It should be "succeeded" since normally you wouldn't say "he had succeeding..."

Good luck and write on!


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2
2
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like how you write this opening chapter in the third person to describe how the people of this world thought and spoke. Please see the below for recommended changes:

1) He dared climb higher, leap farther, and to less solid branches, than any other of the warrior. --- Typo: "warriors"

2) It was said that he was more comfortable leaping tree to branch to leaf to twig, than even the small, nut and seed gathering chitter sailers --- It should be "sailors" and a period is needed.

3) Acknowledged as the best example of a high demand, high performance population. He was sure to be announced soon as an heir to a tribe. That tribe's warrior representative amongst the Runners. --- Only the last period should be there. The other periods should be replaced with commas to prevent these fragments.

4) The rain began to fall, as expected. Fat drops, hitting with a palpable force on the top layers, even having some fair strength driving them, fat and pounding, to his height. --- The first period should be replaced with a comma to avoid having a fragment here.

5) When the storm was so close to him that even the thicker branches able to support a woodcutter's weight, standing solid, were weaving and shaking to the point he was having trouble finding footing along them, much less purchase enough to allow his normal fleet run. Ai'Liel came to a decision. --- Please see #4.

6) As the sky fire was cracking so close that the flash and the bursts of sound came almost simultaneously, he began lashing himself to the tree, hampered by the cutting winds. --- It should be spelled "latching."

7) Ai'Liel could feel the whole tree he was lashed to thrumming with the power transferred to it. --- This should be "latched" here.

8) For an interminable time, Ai'Liel rode the storm, in this manner, whipped, flayed, scoured by wind and rain, and the small debris carried on each in its maddened rush. The storm seeming to draw more and more on the pure and raw energy of the Brown Father, from whence all life grew and to all returned, in some form, to be born again, anew and different. --- Please see #4.

9) There was an incessant thrumming throughout this part of the forest, born of the complicated and ongoing vibrations of living wood strummed by the violent fingers of the wind, playing its strings on that which withstood its onslaught, and percussion with skyfire and falling branches, Water making various accents to the dramatic, and brutal symphony. --- The word "water" should not be capitalized.

Good luck and write on!


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3
3
Review of Eyes of Mist  Open in new Window.
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This review is for the cover pic and prologue. Great start! This reads very much like a streamlined version of Lord of the Rings, as in without a solid paragraph just to describe how Gandalf looks, ha. I look forward to the rest of this book.

Good luck and write on!


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4
4
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Thanks very much for posting this poem. Please read below for suggested improvements:

1) with a message in it's mouth. --- This should be "its" instead.

2) I'm not a sparrow who,s calling you, --- Typo: "who's."

I don';t take children away, from someones heart, --- Typo: "don't."

Good luck and write on!


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5
5
Review of A Great Beginning  Open in new Window.
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Once again, beautifully written and thanks for posting here. Your poems are always both intellectual and inspiring. I am glad people at WDC are able to be treated to your work which you make seem completely effortless. Much appreciated!

Good luck and write on!


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6
6
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hopefully you got a decent grade for this assignment. Please see below for corrections:

These were not organized forces; they had no armaments to speak of. --- Although many people speak and write this way, instead of ending a sentence with a preposition, it should be said "These were not organized forces; they had no armaments of which to speak." Even though it sounds different and odd, this is correct.

In the chaos of the battle, many figures are cut down without question. --- I think you meant to say "were cut down" to be consistent with the past tense of the entire chapter.

Good luck and write on!


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7
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Another wonderfully written free verse poem, thanks again for sharing. The children of this current generation are to me targeted in the most obvious way when it comes to tragedy, especially with these school shootings. If parents can homeschool, I definitely think that's the way to go.

Good luck and write on!


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8
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Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks very much for posting. Hopefully the relative's choice of purchase did not result in being wiped out completely of his or her bank account, especially in this day and age of extreme financial uncertainty, despite the supposed new norm of the bull market.

Good luck and write on!


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9
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This last chapter really took a quick turn from light-hearted to outright sinister on the part of the knight, so great job with that plot twist. Especially good work with showing what the Crusades were really about with the "holy" knight.

Good luck and write on!


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10
10
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is one of the most laid back fantasy adventures I've read or seen. Please see below for suggested revisions:

1) Brown hair stood where gray once lain. --- It should be "had lain (as in lay, laid, had lain)."

2) No beard, no mustache, only peach-fuzz growing from a dimpled chin and sparkling white teeth shown a completely brilliant grin. --- Here it should be "showed" or "had shown."

3) Deal stood in the doorway and saw the man running after Jezebel, whom ran from him as well. This should read "who ran from him as well."

Good luck and write on!


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11
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like how you have a horse curtsy while stomping about in this chapter. I find it interesting how the last 2 chapters you have focused on the man-animal relationships as the means to continue your plot. It both does that and provides a "break in the action" with nice back-and-forths between the piebald (like a Native American wise man) and then Jezebel.

Good luck and write on!


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12
12
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great second chapter and follow up to chapter 1 as Deal gets more comfortable and wiser with the book and himself in this new light. The only thing here I may suggest is for when the book was first open and read, maybe to not use contractions as such books normally say "do not" instead of "don't," from what I've read about and seen.

Good luck and write on!


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13
13
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for the perfect logic and common sense! With me being Gen-X at 37, I was also fortunate to have had parents who were moderate and straightforward with me. I did not have such mental battles as you, but was more because of pure shyness, which I still have to a degree, although much more talkative due to maturing. Please see a couple of small suggestions to check:

1) Yet, for other, unknown reasons, I declined to take the action and chose to sit by myself and enjoy my breakfast in solidarity. --- Do you mean "in solitary (alone)" or some kind of solidarity that is quiet or implied with this woman because the word is defined as "union or fellowship arising from common responsibilities and interests, as between members of a group or between classes, peoples, etc."?

2) An internal battle is now matched up into four-man free-for-all, where the winning logic dictates the minor decision to talk to someone who they do not know. --- The correct phrase is "whom they do not know" because in grammar, "whom" precedes a phrase referring to a person that starts with a noun, while "who" precedes a phrase referring to a person that starts with a verb (i.e. "who does not know").

Good luck and write on!


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14
14
Review of Death Bed  Open in new Window.
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
As a former Catholic, while I do not agree with many of its beliefs, I still respect the tenacity of those who believe it, as you do express eloquently. And yes, "plastic priest" is rather kind of you. Thanks again for posting this.

Good luck and write on!


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15
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Review of Poetic Canvas  Open in new Window.
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I like how the second-to-last line of your poem seems to leave open that mysterious word in the great big sky (unless I'm overthinking it and the word was simply "I"). Many times the best writing is that which is left unsaid, but still is clearly seen in the reader's mind. Great job with that!

Good luck and write on!


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16
16
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The peace pipe of youth, that's a new one on me. Thanks for writing out this book. The only thing I suggest to possibly correct are a few places like in Chapter 1, “That’s not how you treated me yesterday.” head shaking as he replied. Usually, a comma follows the last quote.

Good luck and write on!


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17
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Review of The Time Spent  Open in new Window.
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
As always, thanks very much for posting another wonderfully written poem. Working any job, professional or not, is a challenge especially in today's world. I definitely appreciate how much you value hard work and how one ought to see themselves because of it.

Good luck and write on!


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18
18
Review of The Big Promotion  Open in new Window.
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Perfect choice of name for a daydreaming janitor, Johnson. Thanks for posting. The only thing I can see to correct is where it says --- "His foreman answered "Johnson, you better not be foolin' in there, empty the garbages or you'll be back to cleaning lobby bathrooms" A comma is needed after "answered," and a period is needed at the end.

Good luck and write on!


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19
19
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Perfectly written for a short writing prompt. I find it amusing how self-aware and aware of the author's immediate surroundings, and beyond, that both Walker and Samantha seem to be, especially when you say "Friends have asked her to write more about us..."

Good luck and write on!


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20
20
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed reading this, and I thank you very much for posting. The only thing I suggest to correct is where it says, "He is our God, our Father ,and can see us through and through." Typo: I think you meant to have the comma directly after "Father" instead.

Take care and write on!


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21
21
Review of The Last Guardian  Open in new Window.
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
The ending was brilliantly funny. Thanks so much for posting. Please see the below suggestions:

1) Where it says, "Just as my role is well defined, was not the Seer bred to foretell our fate?" The word is spelled "well-defined."

2) Where it says, "Denk argued no more and searched outside for life giving flora." It should be spelled "life-giving" instead.

3) Where it says, "In seconds I will die, but I am determined to attack for I am a guardian of the tribal nest, the last of a valiant species." A comma is needed after "attack."

Good luck and write on!


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22
22
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
As with a lot of interactive stories, this should be entertaining. Thanks for sharing.

Chapter 1: Where it says, "Jake should be here, they can hear his phone but can't see him." A semicolon should be used in place of the comma to prevent a run-on sentence.

Good luck and write on!
23
23
Review of Touch of Magic  Open in new Window.
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Wonderfully descriptive and a great opening to what seems to be an epic tale, and thanks for posting. Please see below for suggested improvements:

1. Where it says, "Below her, the old Andhun Road ran to the south, its brown, weathered cobble stones covered now and again by grasses encroaching from the hills at its sides." It should be spelled "cobblestones."

2. Where it says, "Covered by a wide sward of short, green saw grass at its entrance, the vale climbed quickly to a narrow rocky shelf above, squeezed between two massive shoulders of rock, children of the mountain that was home to Stormguard." It is "sawgrass" instead of "saw grass."

3. Where it says, "They had almost had her, whoever they were." It actually should be "whomever" here because typically "whoever" is followed directly by a verb whereas "whomever" is followed by a noun then a verb (grammar).

4. Where it says, "Everything after Thayne’s was fuzzy, her memory was incomplete." Please correct to read "Everything after Thayne’s was fuzzy, and her memory was incomplete," to prevent a run-on sentence.

5. Where it says, "Moving with care, her senses peaked, she resumed her approach." Please revise to read "Moving with care, her senses peaked as she resumed her approach," to avoid a run-on sentence here.

Good luck and write on!


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24
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Review of The Beginning  Open in new Window.
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like how you put your story simply enough to change from steamy backseat to marriage. It was oddly romantic. Please see below for suggested revisions:

1) But, you see, I'd been satisfied, up to this point, to be dating a variety---with no strings attached---and I didn't want to get 'hooked'!. --- The period at the very end should be removed.

2) 'I like it when you do that. But can I ask you a personal question? --- Double quotes should be used in place of the single quote and at the end of the second sentence.

3) 'Go ahead and ask. Depending on what it is, I might even answer!' --- Double quotes should replace the single quotes here.

Good luck and write on!


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25
25
Review by Stallion Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is well-written, but unfortunately just too short. It may help to flesh it out a little bit by painting a picture of both how the love developed, and then how the love died an awful death. Your free verse poem does have potential though.

Good luck and write on!


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