I really enjoyed your Internal Interview, not least because it made me realise I'm not the only person to have internal conversations with myself and that quite often that self answers back!
You've written something here which is humourous and that I think plenty of us will be able to relate to. It also seems to have a touch of seriousness to it, I get the feeling that this reallty means something to you.
I enjoyed the nervous feeling at the beginning and the humour scattered throughout is great, it keeps it from getting just a bit too serious, so that we, the reader, don't feel too uncomfortable about entering this private conversation.
There's a slight element of unease here which is to be expected when one's consciouness starts talking back, but also when you're having to confront things that might seem a little scary, the things we always wonder about in the backs of our minds, like whether we qualify as writers. You've conveyed that well and like I said, I think plenty of people will relate to this feeling.
So why did I give it 4.5? Well, some of the answers sound just a touch formal and impersonal. Obviously, this is an interview and your mind is talking back and insisting that you behave, however I think if some of the later answers were a bit more casual, that might help.
All in all a great read with just the right dose of funny. I felt inspired at the end.
I really loved reading your poem. It's a very uplifting and inspirational.
The poem has an unusal rhythm that I've never seen before and I really like it. I particularly loved the pause you used between the first and second stanza, it really gives that sense of taking a breath. Those first couple of lines 'you are made of all the days' are lovely too and I instantly related to the poem and it drew me in.
My only suggestion for this is that I wonder if perhaps the ending is a little too abrupt after the fullness of the pervious of the stanzas. I'm not familiar enough with styles of poetry to know if it's necessary to have this format, but it might be something you could play around with if you wanted to. Of course you may want to have such a descisive cut-off on purpose, but for me, I find I just get into the flow of the poem and then I'm almost thrown out of it again. And that last line is so lovely, that it seems a shame to be left with that feeling after being so uplifted before.
Other than that, a superb job. I really enjoyed this.
Thank you for entering Round 4 of "Invalid Item" . I'll be reviewing your story.
General Thoughts
This story has a fairy tale or Celtic myth feel to it with a nice touch of humour.
The Good
I like how the troll could change its shape, but had to remain in that form for a day and could die in that form. A nice twist. The language and style gives it that nice fairy tale feel and you've used the prompt words to good effect. The little touches of humour here and there are good too, giving the story an amusing feel and still remaining true to the fairy tale style.
I found it very easy to visualise this fairy woman sitting watching her admirer. Although, you haven't gone into huge descriptions of setting, the small key glimpses that you do give make it very easy to build up a picture of surroundings and events. This also adds nicely to the fairy tale feel.
Improvements
My one suggestion would be to try telling the story from the first person viewpoint and see how it feels. Sometimes the narrative can feel a little stilted in places, particularly in the beginning. Although this does work with the fairytale format, a first person viewpoint may help and will also draw us in closer to Oliver's feelings.
Watch the last line, as it seems to be a bit of an abrupt halt to the story. You've concluded the story quite well in the preceding paragraph, so that last line is not necessarily needed.
The Last Word
A nice tale of good triumphing over evil, winning the girl and everyone having a happy ending (except for the evil troll of course!) Good job.
Happy Writing!
Please remember that these comments are my own personal thoughts on your piece. You should always do what feels right to you when it comes to amending your work.
Hi there, thank you for entering Round 4 of "Invalid Item" . Here is my review of your poem.
General Thoughts
I liked this poem, it successfully references Oliver Goldsmith's poem and compares the women of his time with women today.
The Good
You've managed to create a unique response to the prompt and made good use of the words given. The poem has vivid imagery and tells a story.
I especially like the idea of betrayal sending her into an endless abyss and how you've used the idea of candle and key to put your point across. I also like the contrast between the 'quivering' maiden of Goldsmith's time and the idea of a more cunning and self-aware woman of modern times.
Improvements
Just a few here. I'm not familiar with pentameter, so my suggestions may not work. However, I would personally change the second line of the first verse from 'starting like this' to 'starting with'. I would also consider rephrasing the first line of the second verse. 'The maiden in that poem kills herself'. Perhaps something more along the lines of His maiden in that poem took her life'. You've started with an 'older' feel to the poem that matches Goldsmith's, changing that line would, in my eyes, help maintain that feel.
In line 1 of the fifth verse, I would make 'Grand father' all one word.
I would also suggest including Goldsmith's original poem beneath this one for readers to compare. Although you have a link to another parody that includes the original poem, I think it would be better to have it here. It will make it easier for readers not familiar with Goldsmith's poem to fully compare.
Last Thoughts
Overall, a unique way of utilising the prompt and some lovely imagery. Nice job!
Happy Writing!
Please remember that these comments are my own personal thoughts on your piece. You should always do what feels right to you when it comes to amending your work.
Thank you for entering Round 3 of the A-2-Z Contest.
This was an original response to the prompt and I really enjoyed it. I liked the gnarled tree twisted into the form of an X. That was a nice touch.
It's refreshing that it ends, not with the result the men were expecting, but something much more touching laced with a wry twist of humour.
My only suggestion would perhaps be for more description of the island itself and the surroundings.
Please remember that these comments are my own personal thoughts on your piece. You should always do what feels right to you when it comes to amending your work.
Thank you for entering Round 3 of the A-2-Z Contest.
I loved this story. I found it very moving. Starting it the way you did with dialogue was a brave move. In some cases it wouldn't have worked, but you managed to weave description into the dialogue so that it didn't seem stale or bland.
The twist at the end is neatly done without being overblown. I thought her dress losing its colour the further she went with him was a nice touch.
In this line: “Just follow me.” He reminded her with his soothing voice. I think that perhaps the word pleaded would probably work better than reminded. Or something similar. He isn't really reminding, so much as asking again.
This was a lovely story, but I've given it a 4.5 because of the grammar after dialogue. Things like: “Yes” a soft voice replied. should really have a comma after yes. For example, “Yes,” a soft voice replied. Where you say 'he said', or describe how something was said, then a comma is needed after the dialogue as demonstrated above.
Also, in sentences like this: “Do you remember how we used to play in your father’s orchard?” she started. where a comma hasn't been used, but an exclamation mark, full stop (period), or question mark have been used then the next bit of the sentence (she started) needs to be capitalised. So it should read like this: “Do you remember how we used to play in your father’s orchard?” She started.
Apart from that, I really did think this was a very touching story and you made very good use of the prompt words, slipping them into the story so that they flowed naturally.
Please remember that these comments are my own personal thoughts on your piece. You should always do what feels right to you when it comes to amending your work.
Thank you for entering Round 3 of the A-2-Z Contest.
You made nice use of the prompt words and there are nice little touches of detail that really give you a sense of her surroundings. I also like how you've conveyed that little things can bring back memories of loved ones. It's a very poignant story and you can sense that she really is soaking everything up to remember it. You've made good use of changing the camera angle too using the items in the box.
My one suggestion is that it's a little confusing on the timeframe of the story. At first you get the sense that it is the early to mid-1900s, but it becomes clearer that is actually a much more modern setting. Perhaps just consider clarifying this, or perhaps an earlier timeframe would work.
Other than that one point, I thought this was a really moving story.
Please remember that these comments are my own personal thoughts on your piece. You should always do what feels right to you when it comes to amending your work.
I really liked this poem. The poem builds up a nice picture of this journey through nature.
The Good
You used good imagery and the flow is nice. Metaphor is also nicely done, for example: on a whimsical breeze. The poem has a peaceful feel to it and gives the sense of a larger being.
Improvements
Only one thing, and it's entirely a personal choice on your part,is the use of the word flow in the line maybe flow through the air. I wonder if fly or drift might not be better to use here. Granted, flow does give off the sense of lazy, relaxation that permeates the rest of that stanza but it doesn't tend to fit quite so well.
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