Review #4 for Summer Splash - The aspects of this story are all there - excellent dialogue, fantastic conflict, but where's the resolution??? (I know this is only part #1, I'm just kidding. But I'm really curious to read the ending.) What sort of magical creature is Thistle? You've set things up to leave off with a bang, and I love the description "...such flames in her eyes that he worried her gaze would ignite his diaper on fire." I can see it, what's more I can imagine it, and am really looking forward to this story's conclusion.
I really liked this story. Where I am from snow is a rarity. Where I live now the snow is a pretty normal sight, more or less given the year. I find that I have absolutely no love for it. This story about Nissa the fairy and Holly the selfish winter loving girl makes me smile at the thought of a snow storm. It makes me wistful for those Christmases that were brown and warm instead of white and frosty. But most of all this story changes the way that I feel about something and that's an amazing feat.
I really enjoyed the delivery of this story. As if it allowed me to see the sweetness of childhood again.
I really liked the comedic flow of this story. I can really envision your characters as they speak to each other and the civility of your speaker is hilarious. What a funny way to fight back. Download this! is a perfect title. Thanks for the laugh. I needed it!
This is a Black Case Domination Port Raid with a review of 1500+ CHARACTERS
This story was so compelling for me. I have my own experience with meth that was very similar to the experience of the character in this story. It is a horrible drug that does so much damage year after year. Whole families, whole towns can be destroyed by its poison. The story that you tell is very true to life I think. There have been many people faced with the same decision your character had to make and that is do you trust them one more time? Do you let them in only to find out they are still in the grips of the poison? Sometimes the fact that there is or was great love there makes no difference. Not when one steps back to assess the damage the lying, the stealing and the drug itself caused.
As far as format is concerned, your’s is a little difficult to read because of the spacing. I would try adding a space between paragraphs and speakers and see if this doesn’t spread it out a little bit. Also, in the last few lines when the proprietress comes to find her and tell her Ben is waiting, there is the line “I stared at her for a moment; that fluttering in my stomach.” Is there a missing word here? Other than that one place I didn’t see any glaring grammatical or usage issues.
If this is a true story I hope that you and Ben were able to light the old fires of passion, strength and commitment and have become stronger in spite of what his choices cost both of you. If it isn’t, it’s still a good story.
This is a Black Case Domination Port Raid with a review of 1500+ CHARACTERS
First, my heart goes out to your family for the hell that you had to endure due to alcoholism. I hope that the ten kids were able to stay away from the bottle as well, but a lot of times, that kind of thing ends up being genetic. Dad’s problems become kid’s problems. That kind of thing.
In this piece one issue that I have is your spacing. I do not think this story should be centered. Left side aligned with ten space tabs for new paragraphs would look very nice. Also, after a period there should be two spaces between it and the next capital letter. This makes it easier to read and to tell when one sentence stops and the other begins. Details and punctuation aside, your story is a startling one. I wonder about why he did not want to have your mom wait on him after returning from drinking. This is unusual to me. The escape you have is a good one. The tree in the corner lot that looked God had grown it just for you is a nice touch. Alice sounds like a very strong woman, one you emulated and for good reason too. I hope that you were able to grow up to be just like her and she is still with your family.
One last thing I would look at is sentence structure. Copy and paste your story into MS Word and then run a grammar/spelling check. It probably won’t catch everything, but it will give you some ideas of where the issues lie so that you can repair them and create something that you can be really proud of.
This is a Black Case Domination Port Raid with a review of 1600+ CHARACTERS
This a great piece full of excitement and intensity. The gun, the intruder (or at least it seems at first) and the old man. I am bit confused. Do both men have a gun on each other over the wall? I’ve read your piece a few times, and the more I read it the more it leads me to believe that that is the case. If it is, it might help to make this a little clearer at the very beginning with a word or two, if it’s not it might make a little more sense to go through each possessive noun and try to make those clearer either by changing that to Corvey or to young man. Perhaps it is the he’s that are confusing.
Other than that one small issue, this piece is really very good. I like the incredulity you are able to put into words by making Corvey whisper that line “But it’s my wall”. It is conveyed very well, that he can hardly believe that someone wants to use something that is not theirs. Is the young man standing on top of the wall in a handstand position the entire time Corvey has the gunned trained on him? The young man also talks about having a deal. Could that be explained further? What was it? And why is the end result an unloaded Browning being aimed at him?
I also see a metaphor here in this story about the walls that we build. They serve no purpose really except to make us feel safer and really at anytime they can be broken down with one swift shot from a gun. It points out to me that no matter how much I like or need the walls that I build eventually someone will tear it down.
This is a Black Case Domination Port Raid with a review of 1200+ CHARACTERS
I really liked this dialogue piece because of the distinction between your two characters: specifically the explanation about tact. Your characters are believable because we all know someone that acts the way that Susan does, and we can all relate to the reaction that Amber had to Susan’s hurtful comments.
Something I noticed in this piece is that some of the transitions between speakers are a little rough and seems to be forced. This is fixed easily by reading each person’s response out loud. Does it flow? Does it sound like conversation? Would Amber use formal language, or would she use slang? You do a great job using the description hoochie mama. That sounds like conversation, but some of Amber’s replies seem to be a little outside of the conversational realm. If you’re having trouble hearing it, or it sounds like the same person talking to you, grab a family member and make them read one of the characters while you read the other. Reading it out loud will point out those places that may not fit the conversational quality you are trying to build. Other than that it was a great read, thank you very much for it.
This is a Black Case Domination Port Raid with a review of 1800+ CHARACTERS!
I really enjoyed this story because of the raw emotion that you are able to fan and keep alive throughout the entire story. Like embers you are trying to keep alive to light that last cigarette. You create a very believable and desperate atmosphere. I can smell the smoke in the car. I can feel her seething there at the base of that apartment building listening to the rain and feeling those tears burn, and suffering from that deep terrible pain of betrayal. My favorite image has to be when she steps from the car, and you say “unintentional grace”. The phrase is absolutely perfect for this scene. I imagine her climbing from a baby blue thunderbird with its top up, and her long slim legs carrying her well over the water and the puddles. That’s when my truly favorite part begins, the pure cleansing of the rain is so magical, so mysterious and yet you bring it to us, in living color so to speak. You keep supplying us with images all the way to the end of your story and I love that. I think it is very important to plug as many images as you can into the story up to its very brim. You’re ending I think is well placed as well. You have essentially created these two characters, three if you count the other nameless, faceless person. You pack a huge punch in that one little line “She never knew that the end of her hurt and grief was the beginning of his.”
The only thing I can find that would be an improvement is to perhaps extend the story. Where does she go? Does he call her? Is there a terrible and bitter cell phone call that severs everything? Does he try to get her back? Does the other woman commit suicide because he left her to go back to the woman she stole him from?
I love the story that you create between your characters. What I want to see more of is actual dialogue. Create their personalities by what they say. Something that I noticed at the very beginning when boy and father are at the dinner table you do not show why the boy is nervous. Is Dad gruff? Is he a professional fisherman? Some of those men can be very gruff and intimidating to ask questions, even if they're Dad. Explore this, deepen this relationship between boy and Dad so that when he says yes, it's hard earned, but well won.
Further down you use all of the prompts in the same paragraph. I normally would like to see this spread out a little more but in a story like your's they fit well in the placement you have them in. But you did not bold them. Something else that I recommend you do, when two people are talking there needs to be two different paragraphs differentiating the two sides of that conversation.
Other than that, this was a great read and I enjoyed reading it.
What a wonderful story. Sad, but honest. I did not give you a 5 rating because there are just a few grammatical issues, and odd sentence structure in places. To find those odd places, I recommend reading the work outloud. Put voice and feeling into your reading and you will hear those places that I'm talking about and you'll be able to fix them.
Other than those few things, the story is magical. I am able to see this lakeside mansion. I am able to imagine how hard he worked to keep her happy when all she wanted was him. And I am even able to imagine the heartbreak of each character.
Oh, and thank you for bolding the prompts, it really helps. You did a good job using them. The only placement I do not agree with is the rivulet placement. However, that is the literal meaning of the word, so it was used correctly. It just seems...odd.
My favorite part of this story is when he thinks about all the times that he should have done this when he really did that.
How many times in our lives do we wish for that precious opportunity to change something that we did or did not do? If only we could see into the future to know where exactly those places lie on our personal paths we'd all probably make different decisions that make us much happier.
I saw a few errors that are really just mechanical errors: no quotation marks where dialogue is taking place, a couple of words are missing some letters that kind of thing, but other than that the piece is well written. Perhaps look at your length of paragraphs. I agree with most of the paragraph breaks, but some of the paragraphs are very long, can you think of anyway to shorten that and make it read a little tighter without losing any of the image you are creating ?
I like how you spelled George and Cheney backwards. The subject matter is a little hard for me to read because of the emotional feelings behind it, but that doesn't change the quality of work. I commend you for writing this piece.
By reading your title I wonder if it is going to be a story on how things could have been different as compared to what really happened that fateful day, or is it a story all its own, with its own towers and terrorists? I look forward to reading what comes next.
I thought this was a great story. You build it very well and there aren't any non-essential pieces included. I did not see any grammatical or spelling errors and I like the spacing you use between the paragraphs. The story itself is a very compelling one. OCD and other anxiety disorders can be strange to other people, but it seems as though you have a good understanding of what it is to have or experience high anxiety like Jason's.
I really enjoyed this piece. There is a touch of mystery that you end with. It makes me wonder if it's the oldest profession in the world or is it a drug deal? A mention of not having a scale tips me into the direction of something else.
I particularly enjoyed the setting that you offered. Not necessarily of the park, but the atmosphere and environment on the park bench between your two characters. Their exact movements and stances. It paints a vivid picture. Thanks for the read.
I enjoyed this piece, but some places I found too much description (this was a flash fiction piece right?). I think it could be trimmed just a little bit in the first paragraph. The dialogue is fantastic, although it could also use a small trimming.
All in all, a great piece. It makes me think of the saying: you are what you own. This story takes that to a whole new level.
I love the word choice in this piece. It's fantastic. I see all fify five words as a metaphor, not just for a black widow, but for other female creatures as well. Of course, not all of us physically eat our mates, but that's what makes it a metaphor.
55 words exactly. I like that. FF is quickly becoming my favorite genre to read and to write. So much is needed in as few words as possible. I think it eliminates a lot of the filler and proves it's not really needed.
I really liked your piece because it has a definitive beginning, a middle, and an end.
Anticipation, the rise and fall of possiblity, and the let down of disappointment.
The only thing I would change is the tense you use in the last two sentences. "An unfamiliar face from the crowd comes up to me. She hands me a note."
I would use "...came up to me" and "...handed me a note."
Great Job!
--PK
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