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Sun, Oct 26, 2025

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Heard With New Ears

My first and only attempt at poetry

Guardians of Muraycia - Chapter 1

A young girl embarks on a mission to save her planet from a sinister sorceress.

Swimming through a Sandy Sea

Share the magic of a hatching sea turtle nest.

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WdC Masquerade - Lara Croft #1

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Socks and feet

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Vapid Sanctuary: Limited Visions!

Push & pull from pleading legislators who seek financing for their chosen agendas - a poem

The Discovery

Father met his child.

READ A NEWBIE

Preschool Days

What I hope is a highly humorous account of 1980's Preschool life from memory.

Our Silent Hero

This is a poem that was inspired, by my boyfriend who is an Ex-marine.

Who Am I?

Every day I wake up, and I never know who I am or where I will be.

The Stone Confidants

This poem personifies the walls as silent, eternal listeners and keepers of human secrets.

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Journalistic Intentions

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Lost

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Pepper

Review Requests: OFF

259 Public Reviews Given

268 Total Reviews Given

Public Reviews

< 1 2 3 >

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4664891

Review of Under Penalty of Law (298 words, 1st pl)

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Just dropped by to offer a review. Please take the feedback for what it is worth - just one writer's opinion!

WHAT I LIKED:
Just a cute story overall
Imagery was great. My favorite was the boy hanging from the rope trying to pull up his trunks. I suspect you had someone specific in mind when you wrote that scene.

Dialogue: Great use of dialogue to move the story along.

SUGGESTIONS:
Tighten - just a few spots. Example: "I read that the other night...." Could be deleted.
Verb Tense: "Zach remembered his cousin Jack stayed the night." Should be "had stayed..."
Pronoun: "Jack’s swim shorts slipped from his waist, and the piggy bank dropped out of Jack’s hands..." Change second Jack to his.

OVERALL I loved this story! Your creativity shines through and you have a mastery of the English language too many writer's lack!

Full disclosure: I am reviewing my daughter's work. I am obviously super proud to see her using her talent!

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4133230

Review of CUTTING THE TURKEY

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Joy's busy haunting

of House Florent.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS I love humorous holiday stories, even if they are fiction.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Characterization — I really liked that Pete was not physically perfect. I also liked that he saw Bettie's parents in a different light and that perhaps he could help her see them that way too. Too often our view gets colored by our perceptions and it's hard to see beyond that.

2.) Family dynamics — I thought you managed to capture these rather eloquently. I bet you get asked if this is based on your family: hence the "This is FICTION" disclaimer.

3.) Irony — She ends up meeting the love of her life at a family dinner.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) I saw the relationship with Pete coming a mile away. Not that this is a problem——just an observation.

2.) I really did have an aunt Betty Davis....

3.) The comedy factor was amusing but not laugh-out-loud. Of course, this is strictly a personal opinion.

GRAMMAR

1.) Verb tense — Switch to past perfect tense whenever it is an ongoing action in the past. Example: "I had all my life." Instead: "I had had all my life."

2.) Spacing — Example: " I am in a...." Instead: "I am...."

3.) Comma between independent clauses — Example: "Chicago and my sister...." Instead: "Chicago, and my...."

PARTING COMMENTS Cute story.

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Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4133222

Review of A Walk through the Woods

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Joy's busy haunting

of House Florent.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Fall is one of my favorite times of the year. Since many of your other stories have great imagery, I looked forward to one written about this time of year.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Characterization — I liked the way the two characters talked in fragments, which illustrated how neither really knew what to say.

2.) Imagery — Favorite: "scattered the fallen leaves on the water."

3.) Plot — It was beautiful how nature led the father down the path to forgiveness.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) Formatting — inconsistent spacing between paragraphs.

2) Characterization — The mother doesn't seem to have much of an emotional reaction other than displaying shock. She does seem to try to persuade her husband to accept her daughter but again this doesn't seem very emotional. I would suggest adding onto the scene where she settles Fran in. She could take her up to her old room, give her sheets, and reach out to push back a stray hair of Fran's but then pull back as if afraid of rejection. After she leaves the bedroom, she could close the bedroom door and even have a few silent tears. These are just a few suggestions to heighten the emotional charge of the story.

GRAMMAR

1.) Verb tense — Example: "a full year did not pass...." Instead "a full year had not passed...."

PARTING COMMENTS I loved the concept of the story and the nature setting.

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Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4133221

Review of The Skull

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Joy's busy haunting

of House Florent.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Nasty ghosts? Sounds intriguing.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Imagery — Favorite: "the trees stood shivering, crackling, and naked...." I thought this was beautiful.

2.) Plot — I liked how the gypsy mother communicated with her daughter.

SUGGESTIONS

1.) Plot — I doubt Martha would be allowed to start her candy striping immediately——all that paperwork and parental permission. Plus, no way would a candy striper be given access to someone with an unknown contagion. Also, wouldn't that kind of skin disease be a huge deal? I can just see the CDC swarming in on little Nora's Creek and quarantining everyone.

GRAMMAR

1.) M-dash — Example: "angels--only" These look like two hyphens strung together? I know the m-dash never looks long enough either, which is why I always put two of them together. Instead: "angels——only" Tip: Hold down the alt key and simultaneously type 0151 to get a clear m-dash.

2.) Introducing a list — Example: "anything; the teachers..." Instead of a semicolon use either a colon or an m-dash. "anything——the...."

3.) Word Choice — Example: "snuggling into her snorkel...." Snorkel? Isn't that a tube used to breathe underwater? Since she's trudging through the snow along a creek bank, this doesn't make sense here. Could this be a colloquialism common to your area?

4.) Spelling — Example: "shopping back." Instead: "shopping bag."

PARTING COMMENTS With some revising of the plot issue mentioned above and some minor editing problems, the story has the potential to be quite good.

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Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4133217

Review of BREAD

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Joy's busy haunting

of House Florent.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS I have a soft spot for stories about the Holocaust, so I couldn't wait to read this one.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Humor — Favorites: "little schnitzel." and the engagement scene with the dough. That was easy to visualize.

2.) Voice — the voice of the narrator is strong and clear. There is humor laced with seriousness. I also thought the feeling of distance comes through as well. That is authentic to anyone who is older and telling about events from a long time ago. The emotion is there but it is muted.

3.) Title — I loved how the title fits so well and how bread is woven throughout her memories. At every stage of her life, those connections pull the reader along right with the main character.
It's funny but food really does often play a central part in many of our memories.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) Point of view — Just a personal opinion, but I find questions at the end directed to the reader to be distracting from the story.

2.) I wanted to slap the teacher.

GRAMMAR

1.) Comma between independent clauses — Example: "bread and I...." Instead: "bread, and I...."

PARTING COMMENTS I really enjoyed this story and how the memories all connected to food. I'm giving this a 5 star rating, and I don't do that very often.

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14 days may be credited.

#4133209

Review of Fairy’s Favor

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Joy's busy haunting

of House Florent.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS I loved the description as this tooth fairy did almost get caught.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) I suspect that this poem will bring a smile to any reader's face. I had to smile as it brought to my memory the time I was almost caught. I was bent over my son's head as I was blindly searching for his tooth. He woke up and asked me what I was doing. I just smiled and said, "Giving you a kiss goodbye." Since I usually left for work in the wee hours of the morning, he believed me. Phew!

2.) I like that this is first person told from the point of view of the child. Gives it a playful feel.

3.) I loved the description of the tooth fairy. Favorite: "sulking on Mommy's palm"

SUGGESTIONS

1.) Confusion — "stopped to play." This may be one of those "I am really over-analyzing things", but I wasn't sure what image this was portraying. She holds up the tooth and then stops to play? Is is possible this is suppose to be "stopped my play"?

TECHNICAL

1.) Rhyme — Follows a rhyme scheme of aabb - no major issues.

2.) Rhythm — Rhythm is strong and consistent.

PARTING COMMENTS What a charming poem that made me really think about my own children and tooth fairy encounters.

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14 days may be credited.

#4130092

Review of Hunter Wilde's Run

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for L. Stephen O'Neill

of House Targaryen.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Well, the description made me think of Chaucer from the movie A Knight's Tale. LOL! Sometimes my mind goes in the strangest directions. I shall endeavor not to allow that silly image to color my reading of this tale.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Great imagery. Favorite: "low gray sky hung lower and lower..."

2.) Unlike most bards, Hunter was multi-demensional. Instead of being the stereotypical bard who is a bit wimpy, Hunter is also an accomplished hunter.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) Vocabulary — I learned a new word: skald. Thanks!

2.) Internal thoughts — There is no need to add a "thought Hunter" after every italics thought. The reader will understand that it is his internal thoughts they are reading.

3.) What happened to the first village? I kept expecting to discover that Murchadh had something to do with it but it was never mentioned again.

GRAMMAR

1.) Comma splice — Avoid using commas to join two complete sentences. Example: "strong, he...." Instead: "strong; he...." Since these two sentences are closely related a semicolon will work here.

2.) Verb Tense — Example: "he hoped...." Instead: "he had hoped...."

3.) Capitalization — Seasons are not capitalized: winter.

PARTING COMMENTS I would love to hear more of Hunter's tales and travels.

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14 days may be credited.

#4126850

Review of In honour of Spock

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Smee

of House Targaryen.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Though I rarely review poetry, I am a huge Star Trek fan. I've come across several of these tributes to Leonard Nemoy written as a part of a contest, and I can't wait to read this one.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) I loved how the poem progressed with running dialogue. That made the poem unique and also brought back a lot of memories for this Trekkie. I could just hear Spock talking.

2.) Favorite line — "Fascinating, Jim." What an iconic statement.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) The break at the end to talking to Leonard Nemoy was a bit jarring for me. The poem seems to be focused on the character of Spock, so I would suggest changing Leonard to Spock. In other words: stay in character.

TECHNICAL

1.) Rhyme — Poem follows a scheme of abcb and holds this fairly well.

2.) Rhythm — At times there seems to be a natural rhythm but then it loses it and really seems forced. However, keep in mind that this is one of my biggest weaknesses so take this comment under that consideration.

PARTING COMMENTS The use of common Star Trek phrases really takes readers on a journey where "No poet has gone before."

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14 days may be credited.

#4125561

Review of The Steps

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for GrueSum1

of House Martell.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS I don't normally review satire but the description caught my eye.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) I loved the opening description, especially since it sat in the middle of a modern city.

2.) Great use of personification. I particularly liked the naming system and how each had a personality and a history of its own.

3.) "deep baritone voice of the wall...." My favorite description.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) No real suggestions — perhaps a few of the flashbacks could be expanded to provide a bit more description. However, I don't know that it is necessary.

GRAMMAR

1.) Commonly confused words: lead vs. led. Example: "them lead up...." Instead: "them led up...."

2) Comma splices — Avoid joining two independent sentences with a comma. Example: "now, don’t...." Instead: "now. Don't..."

3.) Comma in direct address — When using a name in speaking directly to someone, set off that name on both sides with a comma. Example: "right Four, we are...." Instead "right, Four; we are..." I changed the comma after the name to a semicolon because it is actually another comma slice and should end as a sentence.

PARTING COMMENTS A great piece with a solid message: each of us has value.

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14 days may be credited.

#4124566

Review of Anomanunka

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS As someone with Native American Ancestry, I am always attracted to Indian legends of any kind.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Voice — A legend is really told with a different, almost distant voice, than a short story is. This story maintains that voice throughout.

2.) The story frame is well-woven to include all the elements of a good legend: a hero in tragic circumstance with a good moral lesson to save the day.

3.) I liked how the reader stayed in suspense about the meaning of Anomanunka for the entire story. I also liked how the art work at the top of the story ties in.

SUGGESTIONS

1.) No real suggestions. This could be made longer with greater details, but I don't think it is necessary.

GRAMMAR

1.) Avoid repetitive words or phrases — Example within one sentence: "without his wife... find his wife...." Instead: "find her...."

2.) Tighten — Example: "sub-chiefs of the village." Since it has been established that the main character is watching the village, there is no need to clarify that the chiefs are from that village.

3.) Avoid comma splices — Example: "snuck in, I only...." Instead: "snuck in. I..."

PARTING COMMENTS Just a great Indian legend. Thanks for sharing.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4124565

Review of Coffee Shop

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

FIRST IMPRESSIONS The title and the description intrigued me. Was this literal or figurative? (SPOILER ALERT: Do not read further if you intend to read this story.)

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Loved the opening paragraph — pulled me right into her world.

2.) You balanced the real world with her inner thoughts perfectly. I almost felt like I took the journey with her, and when she gets pulled back, I almost felt as disoriented as she did. Bravo!

3.) I liked that the voice was familiar.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) Wait! What is the question? What is the answer? I'm not sure whether to admire your storytelling craft or be ticked that you left me hanging. LOL! However, I guess the question and even the answer is not the point, is it? It's more about finding the answers deep within yourself. In my family, we call that zoning. Hmmmm, could she be a writer seeking the answer to some conundrum in her story?

2.) Because the reader never knows the answer either, he/she is left with a sense of solidarity with the narrator.

GRAMMAR

1.) No major issues.

PARTING COMMENTS Well, other than still grumbling

about not knowing the the question or the answer, I thought this little short was fabulous. I'm giving it a five, and I don't do that very often.

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14 days may be credited.

#4124564

Review of Jolene!

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

FIRST IMPRESSIONS When I first saw the title, I immediately thought of the old country song "Jolene." I wondered if this piece would have any connection?

WHAT I LIKED

1.) I thought the characterization of abuse was very realistic.

2.) I liked the alteration between the present and the past. It flowed very well and really provided a lot of background info.

3.) It is extremely easy to sympathize with Jolene. Because both characters are believable, the reader really dislikes Ed and is rooting for Jolene.

SUGGESTIONS

1.) Formatting — Double space between paragraphs. The white space gives the eye somewhere to rest between paragraphs. This may not seem like a big deal, but readers will give up or react unfavorably if they keep losing their spot.

2.) Jolene tells us about the abuse, but it might be more dramatic if Jolene actually flashes back to the it.

GRAMMAR

1.) Misplaced Modifier — "Jolene’s father being the old fashion type, they...." The way this reads the sentence should be about the father. Instead: "With Jolene's father...."

PARTING COMMENTS Well, the story didn't have anything to do with the country song, but the story could definitely be inspiration for a good one.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4124563

Review of The Visitor

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS When I first saw the title and the description, I wasn't sure how the two connected.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Ahhhh, when he said he didn't know about the past, but he knew he loved her now, my heart melted. Then when he said he would go to sleep just to "rush the morning light." What a sweet ending.

SUGGESTIONS

1.) Formatting — Paragraphs should be indented 1/2 inch. These look like maybe the space bar was used?

GRAMMAR

1.) Verb tense — Example: "what he came...." Instead: "he had come...." Example: "hobbies he had...." Instead: "he had had...." Any time the narrator talks about an on-going past activity that did not have a specific beginning and end, switch to the past perfect tense.

2.) Tighten — Look for unnecessary words or phrases. Example: " He stirred in his bed, and as he did this she looked up...."

3.) Commas with introductory phrases — Example: "her finger she left...." Instead "finger, she...."

4.) Spell-check error — Example: "her check...." Instead: "her cheek...."

5.) Run-on — Example: "him One...." Instead: "him. One...."

PARTING COMMENTS This was such a sweet story that renews the reader's faith in love and mankind.

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Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4124562

Review of Hard Truth

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

FIRST IMPRESSIONS The title made me ask, "What truth?" The description made me wonder if this was one of those "ah-ha" moments?

WHAT I LIKED

1.) The descriptions of the other character were mesmerizing. My favorite: "eyes never ceding their lock on mine."

2.) I liked the message inherent in the story: we are each responsible for finding our own happiness. I also fervently agree with the last lines about jealousy—such a destructive emotion.

SUGGESTIONS

1.) I never quite figured out who the narrator is talking to. Is it some kind of supernatural being? Some kind of mystic?

GRAMMAR

1.) Tighten — Look for words or phrases that are repetitive or unnecessary because the reader will make the leap on his/her own. Example: "he knew the power he held over me at that point in time." The last phrase is really not necessary because the reader will assume it is at that point in time. Clarification might only be necessary if it was a past power.

2.) Avoid double punctuation. "?!?!" While it is intended for emphasis, it is really more of a distraction. Instead, use a speaker tag with screamed or shouted.

PARTING COMMENTS I enjoyed this short piece but ended up feeling like I missed something. Was there a word count limit on this?

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Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4124561

Review of River Run

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

FIRST IMPRESSIONS I tend to like nature stories. Plus, I like photo prompts and always enjoy seeing what other writers do with them.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) The sprinkling of technical jargon made the whole story totally believable.

2.) What an adventure! I had no trouble following the action as the descriptions are fantastic. My favorite: "My ears filled with the crush of swooshing sounds as my ear drums imploded."

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) I know it is not always possible, but I would have loved to have seen the pictures. You can insert a link back to the contest sometimes.

2.) Do those kinds of scientist really survive flash floods like that? Incredible. Don't get me wrong, I bought the whole thing; I just want to know after the fact if you made it up?

GRAMMAR

1.) Avoid repetitive phrases — Example: "Demerchant, and I set up camp, making sure to tie down...." However, "set up camp" already appears in the previous sentence. Instead: "I tied down...." Another one: "rest of the day..."

2.) Typo? — " ports., We...." Instead: "ports. We...."

PARTING COMMENTS Great fast-paced action keeps this story moving.

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Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4122552

Review of "UNGH!"

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Angus

of House Night's Watch.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Family reunions can be horror stories in themselves. (Warning: Spoiler Alert — Don't read on if you plan to read this story.)

WHAT I LIKED

1.) Loved the title.

2.) What a cold-blooded thing to do. I loved it! (Not sure what that says about me.

)

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.) Point of view — In such a short story, it is often better to tell the story from just one character's point of view. Readers have a limited time to connect to characters, and this can help ensure that they connect to at least one character. The opening seems to start from Ben's point of view but then switches quickly to his wife's. How would the opening scene be different if it was told from hers? There are also points later in the story that seems to shift back to Ben's point of view. Example: "Ben felt...." Jill should only be able to see what is happening to Ben.

2.) I know sometimes in contest entries there are often word count maximums to contend with. However, I would love to see this story expanded. Prior to the big scene, it might intensify the conflict if the reader could see more of Jill's anxiety through dialogue and actions. There could even be an exchange between Jill and Tracy that might shed more light on the subject.

3.) Plot Point — I'm not sure that I buy that Mike has hated Tracy all this time. I mean, the football game happened over 20 years ago and Mike still married her. That seems like a long time to plot their demise, even for a cold-blooded killer. Now, I could see it as an excuse but there would have to be more background to build this idea.

GRAMMAR

1.) No major grammar errors. Dialogue flows well.

PARTING COMMENTS Well, I'm not sure Mike thought this one through. I wonder how he is planning to get away with it?

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Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4120699

Review of Nightmare

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Amalie Cantor - We Got This!

.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS I really was not sure what to expect with this story. Though I don't normally find a factory setting to be intriguing, I decided to give it a whirl anyway.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) I loved the personification given to the internal conflict that Robert seems to be having. I especially thought the names were very revealing.

2.) I liked the suggestion that our dreams may reveal a lot about us—a lot more than we are sometimes willing to admit even to ourselves.

3.) I found it amusing that certain emotions were up to mischief and no good.

4.) The fact that Amnesia forgot to leave an on call number is hilarious. I actually chuckled out loud.

SUGGESTIONS/OBSERVATIONS

1.)I found it particularly revealing that Stoicism was the foreman. The dictionary defines a stoic as someone who represses emotions and is indifferent to pleasure or pain. In this short story, that seems to indeed be Stoicisms job. He has to repress all of those emotions that are conflicting.

2.) Though I found the piece to be somewhat amusing, I never really felt engaged. However, this might be because I tend to gravitate toward more emotional or adventurous pieces.

GRAMMAR

1.) Spelling — Numbers under 10 should be spelled out as a word. Example: "at 3 in the morning...." Instead: "at three in the morning...."

PARTING COMMENTS Though short, this piece was an amusing allegory for the emotional battle that often goes on within each of us.

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#4118062

Review of The Haunted Mansion

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for Sandy~HopeWhisperer

.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS I love a good ghost story, and this has the makings of a great one.

WHAT I LIKED

1.) "A snicker came from deep in the darkness." This sent cold chills down MY spine.

2.) Loved the scene where the narrator is feeling around in the darkness. That was a bit creepy because I thought she was going to grab something like a snake or a spider.

SUGGESTIONS

1.) Consider putting direct thoughts in italics.

2.) Avoid the cliché plot points like slamming doors. I think in almost every ghost story I have ever read there has been a slamming door. I almost rolled my eyes until I realized I've written the exact same thing and had no room to talk! LOL! It's hard sometimes in a genre like ghost stories to avoid these types of clichés, but I know I'll be watching for them more in the future. Thanks!

3.) I was confused with the introduction of the character Lizzie. Was she a neighbor girl from the narrator's childhood?

4.) Perhaps more time could be spent describing the dreams that seem to be haunting the narrator. This might help to strengthen the narrator's motivation for going into the house. It might also set up why she was carrying a Rosary and holy water. For me it was just a little too convenient that the holy water was in her pocket because she had purchased it a couple days ago. However, if there is a conflict established early between the narrator's Catholic upbringing and her drive to investigate the house, it would make perfect sense for her to come prepared.. You could also have the narrator have flashbacks to her dreams. For example, she might have dreamed about the ball bouncing down the stairs, and it could really freak her out when it happens.

GRAMMAR

1.) Sentence Variety: Avoid starting sentences with the same word. For example, look at your first paragraph. How many sentences start with "she"? Can you revise for variety?

2.) Tighten Sentence Structure: Look for places that are repetitive or unnecessary. Eliminating them will increase the pace of the story. For example, "Arial picked up the chain and lock that threatened to disintegrate which held the gate together." The readers will assume that the lock and gate are holding the gate together, so there is no need to tell them that.

3.) Use commas to set off introductory phrases: For example: "the first step the flame...." Instead "step, the...."

4.) Run-on sentence: "the Rosary she feared...." Instead "Rosary. She...."

PARTING COMMENTS This is a great start to a creepy, riveting ghost story. I really hope you finish it.

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#4117858

Review of Ithareal

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

A House Stark review for "King's Landing updating "

, for brom21.

First Impressions

Being caught in a dream world is a common theme so I was intrigued to find out how you would handle this. I wanted to know how you would make it different?

What I Liked

I liked that you had a spirit guide helping the narrator. This was what truly made this story unique.

I loved your description of the glowing orbs and the tormented souls.

I liked the explanation that the narrator was actually trapped in the mind of an evil person. It reminded me a bit of Nightmare on Elm Street.

Suggestions

Tighten your prose to create a faster pace and better flow. Example: "The glowing sphere retreated from the presence of the man and backed away." If he retreated, didn't he back away? Also look for those pesky "ly" words. Most of the time, they can be replaced by stronger verbs. "Suddenly a wave of fear came over me...." Instead try "A wave of fear engulfed me..."

It is always better to show rather than tell, especially regarding emotions. Example: "I was afraid to jump and I held up my sweaty hands and screamed." This is a good example of giving your readers some credit; your basic description is good so your readers will understand that the narrator is frightened.

I would love to see more descriptions of the dream world. What was the Tower of Strife like? The narrator mentions a spiraling staircase but was it old and crumbling? How tall was it? I was a bit confused by "at last we had made it to the top." The ascent was described as a short one but the "at last" implies that it took a long time. Also was the narrator out of breath? Also what was the being like? Dress? Did he float on the ground?

Plot suggestion: if you were looking to expand this story, maybe the narrator could struggle with the evil mind he had traveled to? That might create a tremendous amount of conflict and tension.

Grammar

Avoid doubling punctuation as it is a distraction to the reader. Example: "here?!" If you want to add emphasis, do so with a speaker tag "'here?' screamed...."

Word Choice = "read deeper" Did you mean "reach deeper?"

Use a comma to separate two independent clauses (sentences). Example: "he meant and I felt...." Instead "meant, and I...."

Parting Comments

I do think there is potential here because having the guardian act as a guide was unique. With some editing/revising that includes more descriptive detail, tighter prose and more tension, you could have a fantastic story.

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#3916368

Review of The stalker

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

DEAR DIANE,

I am reviewing "The stalker"

for the Rockin Review Forum.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion!

OVERALL IMPRESSION: In this flash fiction, a stalker watches his prey, making the reader squirm with anticipation or something else?

STRENGTHS:

Plot twist: I don't want to give anything away, but I didn't see the ending coming—even though all of the clues are there. It truly is one of those pieces where you read it and think, "What?" Then when you reread it, you have to admit that you should have seen it coming. Those are the best plot twists. Bravo!

Verb Tense: Normally, I do not personally care for stories written in present tense. However, I do believe that you chose wisely with this one. The present tense pulls the reader in and ratchets up the tension. I tried switching the verbs to past tense and rereading it. It just does not have the same effect.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

Word Choice: There is a suggestiveness throughout the piece that had me raising my eyebrow. I actually felt a little uncomfortable or dare I say perverted when reading it?

Then the ending.... Loved it.

Description: "I press in closer still, the hairs on my body standing on end." Made me shiver.

SUGGESTIONS:

Am I correct in assuming that this was written for flash fiction? I would suggest that you label it as such to avoid reviewers, especially newbies, from dinging you because it is too short.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

Multiple Comma Splices: "She sees me, screams, her foot comes toward me." Two independent clauses cannot be joined with a comma. I do like the rhythm of this though, so maybe use a semicolon instead?

Awkward Structure: "into shoes two sizes small." This phrase kept bugging me, but to be honest, I'm not sure it is a technical error. Perhaps, it should read "two sizes too small." Just something to consider if other reviewers mention it.

Comma Error: " I scramble to retreat but it is too late." Should be a comma "retreat, but..."

BOTTOM LINE: An absolutely delightful piece! With the great tension and misdirection, this makes for a fantastic short read. I loved it.

HAPPY WRITING!

Pepper

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#3848239

Review of Lost... On the dark side of the library!

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

DEAR SPARKYVACDR,

I am reviewing "Lost... On the dark side of the library!"

for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion!

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This story takes the reader into a library and then leaves them afraid to ever go back.

STRENGTHS:

Plot — What a clever plot line.

Narrator — I liked having the narrator as someone who eavesdropped and then witnessed poor Sara's fate.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

Description — I loved the description of the reflected books. It made me almost wonder if there are any such shelves at my library. I hope not!

SUGGESTIONS:

Dialogue conventions — I found that the lack of quotation marks made following who was speaking very difficult. I had to backtrack several times just to make sure I knew who was speaking. I would suggest that using quotation marks would clear up much of the confusion. It would also eliminate the need for italics when the action shifts back to the other side of the shelves. Typically, italics in such stories are used for internal thoughts of a character. Finally, it might help if speaker tags were established much earlier. We meet Bill in the second paragraph, but we do not identify Jim until half-way through the story.

Plot — One thing did confuse me. Why do Jim and Bill have to come back the next day to prove that the portal works? Why not right then and there?

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

Commas in direct address — When a speaker uses a person's name in direct address, the name should be set off with a comma.
Incorrect: "Bill I saw it!"
Correct: "Bill, I saw it!"

Paragraphing with Dialogue — Keep the speaker tag with the dialogue
Incorrect: "There was a pause and a stifled sound. Jim said," Then Jim's dialogue is on the next line.
Correct: "There was a pause and a stifled sound.
"Bill...tomorrow you....," Jim said.

Quotation Marks — Though not an error, using quotation marks to emphasize a word is typically frowned upon. Most experts consider it to be cliché and suggest using italics instead. Hence another problem created by using italics to show the switches in scenes.

Common Errors — 1.) its vs. it's 2.) wont vs. won't

BOTTOM LINE: I would love to see this story follow more conventional methods of dialogue. For me personally, much of the mood was lost in trying to figure out who was speaking and which side of the shelf the action was on.

HAPPY WRITING!

Pepper

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#3847854

Review of Grandfather's Tall Tale

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

DEAR Cherokee Rose,

I am reviewing "Grandfather's Tall Tale"

for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion!

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This story brings two brothers face-to-face with proof that their Grandfather's Tall Tale was no imaginary tale. WARNING: Some of the comments below contain unavoidable spoilers.

STRENGTHS:

Dialogue — The dialogue between the two brothers is very natural.

Characterization — I thought the two brothers interacted in a very believable manner. This may have been aided by the dialogue mentioned above.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

Imagery — I loved your description of the waterfall; it was breathtaking. I even wondered if this was a real place.

SUGGESTIONS:

Adverbs — Though adverbs can serve a purpose, they are often either unnecessary or a poor substitute for a better verb. For example "Come on!" I demanded irritably. "Will you please hurry?" Instead consider this version: "Come on!" I ground out. "Will you puh-lease hurry?" Even without changing the verb, the speaker's irritation is obvious, making the clarifier "irritably" unnecessary. If you want to emphasize the irritation, up the ante on the verb with a choice such as "ground out." You could also emphasize the please by using italics or changing the pronunciation such as "puh-lease...." With the latter, the teenager's irritation is crystal clear. Try this exercise. First, print out your story and highlight all of the adverbs; this will help you see exactly how much you rely on adverbs. Second, go through and delete all of the adverbs you can without changing the meaning. You will find that many of them do not add anything of value. Third, for those remaining adverbs, take a closer look at the verbs in those sentences. Can you use more accurate verbs that will do the job of the adverbs? You will find that by eliminating the majority of your adverbs your writing will be tighter and far more powerful.

Plot — At one point the narrator blocks Bigfoot's access to Ty, but then in the next sentence the Bigfoot is examining Ty and picking him up. At some point, the narrator has to move or was moved by the Bigfoot.

Plot — Now keep in mind that what I'm about to say is a subjective matter of opinion. However, I loved this story all the way up until the Bigfoot became a Good Samaritan. At that point, I found it impossible to buy into the civilized version of the creature. Again, that's a matter of opinion. It is your story, and you have the right to characterize Bigfoot anyway you want. In fact, it's a rather creative take on the subject. Just know that this kind of divergence from what is generally accepted can create issues of believability for the reader. I would only suggest that you give it any weight if other reviewers also comment on it. Then you will need to decide whether you want to stay true to your original concept or if you should find a way to revise that will be both believable and satisfying to you. It's a tough call, and only you the writer can make that decision.

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

Punctuating Dialogue — When separating a statement from the speaker tag, use a comma.
Incorrect: "Almost." Ty replied....
Correct: "Almost," Ty replied....

Commas — Use a comma to separate an introductory clause from the independent clause.
Incorrect: "When we arrived at camp Bigfoot...."
Correct: "When we arrived at camp, Bigfoot...."

BOTTOM LINE: I suspect that eliminating some of the adverbs will turn this into a great story.

HAPPY WRITING!

Pepper

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3847519

Review of Holding a Grudge

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (2.5)

DEAR Sca,

I am reviewing "Holding a Grudge"

for the Rockin Gift Station.

Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion!

OVERALL IMPRESSION: A brief scene in which a man finds himself embroiled in a fight where things go too far. Though issues with paragraphing dialogue make much of it difficult to follow there is the potential for an extended story.

STRENGTHS:

Plot — There was definite tension with the bar fight scene.

Setting — The bar scene is well-described and easy to visualize.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

"with a sickening thud...." This foreshadows the outcome perfectly.

SUGGESTIONS:

Paragraphing Rules — Whenever the speaker changes to another person, a new paragraph must be created. Because this rule is not followed, I found it very difficult to follow who was speaking and as a result the plot line. I would suggest that you spend some time reviewing dialogue punctuation and paragraphing. I think you will be amazed at how much better your writing will be received because readers can then follow it. Here are a couple of links to websites that I find helpful: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/577/01/... and http://www.writersdigest.com/tip-of-the-day/write-... You might also check out the classes offered by "Invalid Item"

here on WDC. They may have classes on writing dialogue.

Plot — I would love to see this extended so that the tension can be built between the narrator and Tom. Give the reader more time to care about the narrator and to feel the tension mounting. Maybe Mallory can have a flashback to his dealings with Tom and the ex-girlfriend? Make the reader think, "Uh oh! This is not going to end well."

GRAMMAR/SENTENCE STRUCTURE:

Commas between two independent clauses — Whenever there are two independent clauses (AKA-sentences) joined by a coordinating conjunction and comma should be used before the conjunction. Incorrect: "Harry's bar and it was...." Correct: "bar, and...."

Colon — Use a colon to introduce a list following a noun. Incorrect: "ten in the pub, two under...." Correct "ten in the pub: two under...."

Careless Errors — Carefully proofread for errors that will not be caught by spell check. 1.) "the the" 2.) then vs. than

BOTTOM LINE: This is a great start to a story that has potential to really pump up the tension. Editing to correct paragraphing issues and adding to the length will help tremendously.

HAPPY WRITING!

Pepper

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#3737664

Review of A Cowboy's Afternoon

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

DEAR LIAM,

Hello! I am reviewing this poem as a judge for the PDG Alumni Challenge. Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion.

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This was a poem about a cowboy "just lookin' for fun." I have to ask — Was your inspiration the song "Whiskey for My Men and Beer for My Horses?" Loved that song.

STRENGTHS:

Dialogue - Yes, dialogue within a poem. It was perfect and actually created the tension as reader can feel how intimidated the bartender must have felt.

Characterization - Why could I not get Clint Eastwood out of my head as I read this? I think it was this line: "His spurs gave a jingle that made my skin tingle" or it might have been the "permanent frown".

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

"His face had been fried into leathery hide."

TECHNICAL:

Rhyme - ABCB Pattern followed consistently. Plus, there was an internal rhyme scheme occurring within some of the lines that really amplified the sense of rhythm.

Rhythm - As already noted, this was very strong. I especially liked the forced pause in this line "he added a brief, 'this'll do.'" This broke up the chant rhythm and prevented the poem from becoming sing-song.

SUGGESTIONS:

None - BRAVO!

BOTTOM LINE: Thank you for submitting your cowboy narrative. You rose to the challenge, & I commend you!

HAPPY WRITING!

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Pepper

"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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#3737637

Review of Cowboy Sunset

Review by Pepper

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

DEAR MARNTZ,

Hello! I am reviewing this poem as a judge for the PDG Alumni Challenge. Please take what you feel is fair and accurate and disregard the rest as only my humble opinion.

OVERALL IMPRESSION: This poem is a somber look at the end of the cowboy era and how he must have felt.

STRENGTHS:

Imagery - I loved the way you incorporated images from the photo into your poem.

Simile - See favorite below

Mood - This poem really creates a somber mood as the cowboy seems to lament that he is a dying breed.

FAVORITE LINES/PARTS:

"my limbs hung like rags, beside my sunken chest" Absolutely love this one! Bravo.

TECHNICAL:

Rhythm - The fifth stanza which starts with "They say I am a...." seems to lose the rhythmic pattern that the poem starts out with. I especially stumbled over the last line in this stanza. It almost reads like prose.

Rhyme - No rhyme scheme (free). This was actually refreshing as most of the other entries used rhyme. Unfortunately, that can lead to a sing-song effect that is best avoided.

SUGGESTIONS:

Plot - As a narrative I would have liked to have some sense of action. There is the mention of "looking for safe passage" but nothing really beyond that.

BOTTOM LINE: Thank you for submitting your cowboy narrative. You rose to the challenge, & I commend you!

HAPPY WRITING!

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Pepper

"Writing is Thinking in Slow Motion." -- Author Unknown

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