I have my Master's in teaching. Hope this helps. Gail
1. Always try avoiding using the same primary word twice in a sentence and possibly in a paragraph. Such as the opening sentence when the word "Nomad" was stated twice.
2. I would also place more urgency on the very first sentence, such as, "Hurry! We need to be on our way!"
3. There are some simple punctuation errors. MS Word grammar check should help.
4. Can you change the term "grub things" to something more descriptive? Such as grub creatures?
5. Watch your punctuation: ""... with the corpse!”. "" Should be: "...with the corpse!" (delete the extra period mark)
6. Try to avoid using filler words such as "that"
7. Watch for run-on sentences that can be broken into at least 2 separate sentences. There are a few run-on sentences in the document.
8. I like this wording: " Knut smiled ruefully"
9. Restructure this sentence and watch your punctuation. I had to read the sentence 3 times before I fully understood what was being said: He was wrestling with the idea of bringing this up when the German seemed to read his mind
10. You have a good story. I would like to see more word pictures to get a better feeling of sights and sounds.
You have a good start. I have my Master's in teaching and glad to help...
1. Using Wally's name is good, but try replacing his name in about half the document with "him" or "his" instead
2. Restructure sentences that begin with the word "when". This is ok for 1 or 2 sentences, but this word is repeated too many times in the document.
3. Avoid using filler words, such as: when, now, if, then. The word "if" can be used, but when used at the beginning of a sentence it tends to weaken the sentence dynamic.
4. Restructure: "Looking around to see if anyone else was watching..." Try something such as: "Was anyone else looking?" And then start a new following sentence.
5. "When she answered the doorbell, her little Chihuahua always snarled and barked at him, but he did not mind." This sentence is a little confusing. I would restructure to something such as: The doorbell rang sending her little Chihuahua, Pepe, into a wild yapping frenzy. Wally glared at the snapping dog. He sighed, but didn't seem to mind. Pepe was only doing his job.
6. I am assuming the "he" in the sentence about the Chihuahua is Wally? This is unclear. Also, I am not clear about who the "she" may be?
I have my Master's in teaching and glad to help you...
1. You have a very good base for your poem.
2. Avoid using filler words such as just, "quite," "just," and "but".
3. My question is why are you kicking yourself?
4. Try creating more word picture phrases to describe what you are feeling instead of stating your feelings. I understand this is difficult when trying to set a rhythm. Example: Instead of "but my mind is far away" Try: "My mind is miles away" This describes how far away your mind is instead of just being far away.
I have my Master's in teaching, so am glad to give a hand...
1. Good word pictures. You certainly caught my attention.
2. Watch for run-on sentences.
3. "its living Hell" should be "It's a living Hell" also watch punctuation
4. "The captive has my horse because I’m the new guy. “Let him have one last moment of dignity,” they had said."
I can't wrap my mind around what this means? Also try to avoid using word segments such as "had" when writing "they said"
5. This is good: "I’m in a world of orange, a
world of fine orange grains and orange wind. Wind so savage it
pounces at the first living thing it sees, whirling and whooshing it
surrounds its prey and suffocates the unsuspecting target"
6. I am wondering if the main character is wounded? Exhausted? Lost?
7. Can you describe what your prisoner looks like? Male? Female? Old? Young? etc...
8. I think you have a good start and can see this turning into a short novel rather than a short story.
Hello - I have my Master's in Teaching. Here are my thoughts off the top of my head...
1. Please watch for run-on sentences, such as your opening sentence. It can be broken up into 2 or 3 sentences and try to describe to me what the painting looked like and how the room looked, smelled, was it hot in the room? Cold? etc.
2. "The two dimensional paintings" What does this mean? Were they cartoons? What did they look like? How big were they? Were they masterpieces?
3. You speak of the painting dimensions, but I cannot image what they actually look like. Were they landscapes, portraits?
.
4. I'm sorry... but you lost me when you threw in the forest. Were we in a room with paintings, in restaurant, or in a forest?
5. The imagery and descriptions did get better as I read further into the first paragraph. There were some good word pictures.
6. Do not start any sentences in a story with the words "Now" or "Well"
7. Again, please watch for run-on sentences
8. A few dashes - between sentence are okay, but there are far too many. Try another grammar option such as semi-colons
9. In conversation, an entire sentence can indeed be just one word; such as "Yes". Please eliminate the dashes.
10. "...you would be quite strange. And also quite OLD." Try describing "quite" such as... as strange as a clown on prom night, or as old as... Be more descriptive
11. I understand that you can see what you are writing in your mind, but I cannot clearly see. Write as if your readers are blind. I want to be able to smell, feel, touch, and experience the words you are writing.
Hope this helps, Gail
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