Your poem is very visually vivid. I can see the corridor, the light, and I can imagine the voice. i really like how you make the poet's voice silent. The actual poet is an omniscient narrator, but insanity's voice is alive and the poet is implied. Very nicely done.
If I would give any criticism, I would say that both the title and the first two lines give too much away, but that is merely subjective, and it may be intended. It does set the backdrop of "Insanity's corridor," but I want to say that it takes a little force away from the poem.
This is a poem with a smirk. My mind went to depth and meaning, then the last line. And at first, I felt baited a switched, but then I realize that it was double-meaning. I like that the last line has a separating space. I do think that the last line lessens the focus. But you may also just be saying, "Don't take things so seriously." Makes me want to read more.
I enjoy the love-late metaphor you describe concerning love and war. Very relatable, very matter-of-fact, very longing, and very acquiescing.
Reading, I found myself hearkening to my own love wars and exactly the things you described. I like how you place your lover with you in the battle and not battling the lover. That was a different way of doing it.
I wonder what it would be like for you to expand this concept somewhat or spread it into a short story genre.
I'd be interested to see some dialogue instead of just description, although this is well done too. It's like reflection.
You have a lot of strong ideas in this poem, looking at God and Jesus conflictually. It is a really good concept.
I have to admit that I was a little overwhelmed at the length of the poem, and didn't want to finish. The ideas weren't bad, but it was so clustered together. At first I wanted you to chunk the poem out more, but then I wondered if you did that on purpose to MAKE me feel overwhelmed and frustrated. The concepts of the poem are so, so maybe you wanted to match the tone with structure.
However, if that is the case, the only phrase that occurs repeatedly to propel the poem with any kind of rhythm is "Manifest Jesus."
I'd be curious to know if you have a specific intent with the poem.
Some of the individual concepts it looks like you might be wanting readers to think about, but the structure makes it difficult to focus on them. You could block it out more. Or...it is a little random...I wonder what it would be like to make the thoughts more random and disjointed.
If chaos is the overall structure, there are examples of such poems that would go with that genre, but I'll admit that I'm not sure what you're aiming for.
All that being said, I love your concepts, bluntness, critique of religion, etc... Keep writing. I'll have to see what else you have written to get a feel for your style.
Enjoyed this poem. I'm biased, though. I like poetry, and I love the song "Summer Breeze," so I'm an easy target on this.
I like how you personify the "girl" in her. I like that you have the dash after listening...you want us to take notice of the dash. It signifies what listening is.
I like how the dandelions are dancing, and the fields I can picture in different colors. I like that you put 'cross instead of "across," to get the rhythm you wanted, and that cross and courting are together.
It sort of seems like "in tune" is supposed to be "in turn," but you may have meant it that way...for the reader to be reminded of music, but to remind us of in turn.
I loved that ending--it made me smile. Great story. Poor dejected Steve.
The initial humor was a little off-putting at first - "I'll just hang a wreath on it." At first it seemed corny, but I quickly appreciated Steve. It hung on the edge of believable, and it was fun.
To be honest, I'm not sure what I would change. It's a farce comedy, and just in time for Christmas!
This poem is sweet, cute, both an apologetic and a loving description of an Aquarius-type person. I love the phrases such as "Enlightened and strong," "life-giving water flows strong."
I like the first comma, because it makes "Aquarius" stand out, and I think too is ok too, although I'm not sure you need it. Nor the rest of the commas. In fact, looking at the poem, I think it might work better without them. Just my thoughts.
Also, temper and either...both end with r but don't rhyme. I do that too sometimes. I'm not sure whether it distracts here or not...I could just be being a word Nazi. Anyway, I found it noticeable.
I'll have to read some more of your poetry. Very positive!
What a vivid story! Very few words, and very well done. The story makes me wonder what Mama's disease is, why she smells, and maybe why she smells...why there's rot. You write at the end, "no one," but I didn't picture anyone there but the author. That felt a little confusing.
I like the concept a lot. I want to know how they got here, why she's pointing a gun at his chest, why she's thinks it's fun. I want to know what the mission is. Are they spies? Is he in love with her because of asking her to disappear with him?
Looking at the word "to" in the fourth line, I think that's supposed to be "too."
I'm wondering what position he's in to fall off the building. It's confusing.
I enjoyed how much you communicated in how short of time. Good job!
Very very interesting story...I want to read more. I like the tension you build about working in the colony as a tax collector and how worried the main character is.
The gap between when the husband leaves and is supposed to return felt kind of short even though "the hours were tormenting."
I like "this is your husband," because you can't tell.
and
"Where do I begin" because I want to see what happens.
I really enjoyed the rhyming rhythm and the story, as sell as the way you played with the word "fiddle." I felt bad for the Fiddler at the end. It was a little Romeo and Juliet esque in that sense.
There were a few places were the lines were confusing in the poem spacing-wise, but the organization of the rhyming let me know what was supposed to be where. Also, there were places where the rhythm was different enough that it was a little distracting to me, but the story soon made me forget that.
Gooe job!
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