Hey, there, JJ!
Here we are to really start Threads in the Tapestry.
First sight:
Is that how Merci looks like? Wow, that's some very special look.
The quote:
Not a big fan of Nietzsche, but I gotta admit he can provide good quotes. However, as a woman, it's not very encouraging, beginning a chapter where the first words I read say I'm a blunder. Just saying
By the way, I think you should punctuate the quotes. In this case, it's only missing the period.
The first part
I really liked the introduction to this character. I like specially that you don't focus on physical descriptions, but on actions which show me how she is. In the end, that's all that matters. Unless she's about to be targeted by some serial because of how she looks, I'm all for this kind of characterization you provide here.
It flows well, and gives a lot of little bits of information about her and her place.
And I love the variety of vocabulary.
Her father's words:
Personally, I'm not into bold text along the narrative. I like italics for quotes. But that's only me.
If you make a whole bold paragraph of it, you can very well center it, to highlight it even more.
Words in other languages
*vista
*conga
*allegro tempo
Again, personally, I'm not into mixing words from another languages, even if they're usual in everyday speech.
If it's a character speaking, mixing languages works as characterization.
Funny story. Once, back in the late 70's, my elder brother was in LA, and heard a boy asking, "What are you doing?"
And his friend, a Hispanic boy, replied, "Deliberando groserías." Instead of "delivering grosseries", he said, literally, "pondering curses".
So I think it's interesting and funny, some healthy Spanglish in dialogues. But I find it a complete bump in the narrative.
I'm gonna give you an example in my own language: La casa tenía una magnífica view del puerto.
Ouch. Nope.
Every language is rich enough to need any other for narrative.
* About "
conga", I think an avalanche/race/stampede of spiders down somebody's back causes more sympathy than a happy dance.
* How many people can picture what "
allegro tempo" implies? I ask it because this kind of thing defines your target. And while many people would get "
vista" and "
conga", I think those who can get a classic music reference are a whole different target.
Have you ever read Umberto Eco? There you have an author who's a master in defining his readers target by vocabulary. It's love it or leave it, but it sure works.
Plus, I think the "
allegro" bit, just like "
conga", give a misleading feeling of the moment. Both words speak of something lively in a positive way, while you're trying to paint a moment of fear/horror/shock.
Personally, from my alien pov, I love "racing heart".
--after finishing the chapter, I didn't find any other foreign word around. Which makes these three stand out even more. Like, when writing this part, these words came to your mind. Then you took a break, and when resumed writing, the idea of using foreign words was just gone.
Manny
I think you should call the cat always like this. You're introducing a character, a situation. You don't give even this character's last name this far--yet you give two different names to a pet.
My suggestion for a super easy fix is striking the "
Mandela" and leave it at "
her cat". Because next thing is Merci calling him "
Manny", and you keep calling it that.
The lunar-reflected shine of his eyes danced alone in the darkness, eyes not focused on her,
I think you don't need to repeat "
eyes" here. Repetitions are meant to underline or highlight something. And I'm all for repetitions. But in this case, the repetition within the same sentence reads a little off.
Pain shot through her head, pain so intense it buckled her legs.
The same here. Personally I'd keep the repetition, but changing the comma to a period.
The suggestion stands for the third repetition, down below, with "
message".
she thought, a shocking new precursor forewarning an onset?
I think the second part of Merci's thought should be a whole new sentence. To take me out of the tag and back to her mind in a smoother way.
the forced memory once again played in her head—a terrifying night from twenty-seven-years ago.
I would move "
once again" after "
her head", and strike "
from"--maybe change it to a comma. And I think you don't need the second dash, because
twenty-seven works as a compound adjective for
years.
The flashback
The first part
Jeeeez, that was creeeeepy.
Loved that moment, because it worked to make me sympathize with Little Merci's fear.
I would italize the whole thing, to set it clearly apart from the situation where you started the chapter. Plus, having a part of it in regular font and another part in italics makes it look like something is not part of the flashback, but something else, which you don't clarify. Especially since you go back to regular font when she comes in.
lightening
Typo?
The Mustang
I completely assumed the old woman was talking about the person driving the car. Then you got me wondering if she was talking about the Wraith
. I think it needs a couple of words to clarify that.
By the way, if she's actually talking about the Wraith, then the Mustang becomes a confusing element.
Back to present day
a marathon of weakness
I think this is a beautiful kind of oximoron.
Marathon speaks of energy, motion and resistance, while Merci's
weakness as she
crawls to her bed has nothing to do with any of the things "
marathon" conjures.
followed by a more customary emotion rising in her throat
Question: is it an emotion or a physical sensation?
an overstuffed chair
You've already mentioned an
overstuffed recliner, and "
overstuffed" is not a word that goes unnoticed, so the repetition stands out.
its master's behavior
You've already referred to the cat as "
him", so I think you should settle for one pronoun and stick to it.
There must have been a solar flare last night,
Okay, this totally hooked me. Paranormal experiences triggered by natural events sounds great!
Why hadn't Roger called? Why didn't he warn her?
This is in italics, as part of Merci's thoughts. Yet it's in third person and in past perfect, like it's actually narrative.
Hit the ground running Merci, and don't look back.
Okay, I know what you told me about commas. But you really need one in the first clause. Else, there's no telling what "
running" is modifying--because maybe Merci's father said this to a "running-Merci", a Merci trying to run away from the events. I mean, I know the saying, but no matter how subjective commas may be, they exist to mark pauses. And there's a pause that's not reflected, and where it falls changes the meaning of the whole sentence.
the melodic voice of Annie Lenox
This made me like Merci a lot more.
the open-air shower
I think this deserves a little description/explanation/clarification.
Is she naked in her yard? In plain view? Or does she live in a secluded place, no neighbors around? Or is her house surrounded by trees? Or she just doesn't care if anybody sees her? When she sits, "water pools around her navel". Is the shower in some kind of tube that stores the falling water? Or is she more laying back than sitting?
It's just like I couldn't get the picture. I mean I did pictured the scene, but it felt a little weird.
About this part of the setting
I think that if you ask anybody from anywhere else what weather-related word comes to mind when they hear "
Seattle", nine out of ten will say "
rain". And if you ask them to pick "
warm" or "
cold" for "Washington State", they will pick "
cold".
So, all this part is a little baffling. Especially when you mention a sort of warm west wind. Meaning from the Pacific Ocean, right? Usually, the wind blowing from the sea--any sea--is rather cool or straight cold, unless you're between tropics in a hot summer. But maybe that island has some sort of unique weather. Or Merci feels it in a special way due to some very personal and particular feature, like her special skin.
Water pooled around her navel, where a vivid green and red dragon seemed to grapple for purchase as it emerged from a dark pool onto an arctic ice flow, sparking the memory of her father granting permission to have an aging Chinese ink artist affix the colorful image to her taut nine-year-old belly-button.
Ha! I dare you to read these six clauses aloud, pausing only at the commas and giving all the text in between commas, and from comma to period, the exact same tone.
She applied the KIWI waterproofing grease
This should be past perfect, since it happened before the moment you're telling in past simple.
She'd applied...
Oh, by the way. Capitalized words read as shouts nowadays, thanks to social networks. So the "
don't shoot the cat" bit, and now this "
kiwi", are bumps--why is JJ yelling at me? Or why does Merci yell at that poor cat? If "
kiwi" is the brand, you should italize it, or at least use quotation marks.
Okay, this is a hell of an introduction for Merci. I have no idea what will happen to her from now on, but I sure wanna know.
There's so much information, like little waterdrops suspended in the air. And that main, dreadful thing of her "events"! Not only how this one knocks her down, and the flashback, and then how she sort of passes out. And everything working to suggest something big is coming.
The final words are a great hook.
The name of the next chapter hints it's gonna be a little while until I meet Merci again, but I will sure be waiting for that moment. So as far as the goal of this first chapter about her, mission totally accomplished!
So I'll get ready to see what you have in store for me next. Because I have Mikhail stranded on that mysterious island with an invisible barrier, 250 years ago. And now this young woman that seems to be so speciall in many different ways. So I definitely want more!
Just in case: reply whenever you can, I'll keep going even if you don't answer by next week.
Hope you're having a great week!
Read you around!